Is it possible for an abuser to change?

When I was 16 I met my husband, we were long distance. I lived in New Zealand, him in the USA. We met in person, spent my 17th birthday together. On our first anniversary he proposed. The next year I went to America for 3 months and we got married on our birthday (18th). Went through immigration and in July of 2011 I moved to America. I was ecstatic to finally be with the person who I loved. Who loved me. Or at least I thought so.

The first incident happened over pasta. I love cooking, and he's very critical with my food. I was making fettuccine alfredo and was so excited to make fresh pasta! I'd never made it before and the whole idea was just so awesome to me. I can't remember what I asked, I think it was for him to buy some parmersan cheese, and also some dried fettuccine, in case it didn't work out as I had planned. I rolled out my dough, cut etc, started cooking it. I asked him how it tasted, if he thought it was bad I was going to go to plan B, and use the dry pasta. He said it tasted fine, so I continued until it was perfect! I was so excited, gave him a bit to try. He said it was disgusting. He didn't like it. I was just.. So mad. Why wouldn't he have told me in the first place? It's not like cooking it an extra 5 minutes changed the taste of the pasta. I knew I was mad, so I left the situation. I went into our bedroom and slammed the door (to which I regret). He came barging in, absolutely engulfed in anger. He grabbed my wrists and I was so terrified for my life. I started kicking and screaming and he grabbed my ankles. I don't really remember how it all stopped, but it did, thankfully. He left the room and I just rolled over and cried.

I was going to leave him. I don't know why I didn't.. I ended up apologizing to him? Oh dear..

The second incident, about food again. I made some fried rice. He loves rice. I was still trying to perfect my recipe, but it tasted okay - not the worse in the world. I asked him to try it, he said it was awful. So I went back into the kitchen, and I threw it in the bin. If it was terrible, why should he eat it? "Did you just throw my dinner in the trash?" He got up out of his seat and picked up the trash bin and tipped it all over top of me. Hot rice, raw bits of cut off chicken. I screamed. I just locked myself in the bathroom and historically tried to get my clothes off and get into the shower. When I got out he was gone, food all over the floor. I began to clean it all up, he came home with burn ointment and aspirin. He hated that I had made him so angry and for him to do that to me. Again, I apologized.

So fast forward a year and we're still together (I know, right?) We headed to Australia to see my family - I hadn't seen my brother since I left NZ and I was so excited to meet my niece! Things were okay when we first got there, and then it wasn't. He said that he doesn't want to have kids anymore - this broke me. I've always had the dream of becoming a mother, and i'm absolutely terrified of myself because I know I would give that up for him - even though I know that it's not right and that he doesn't even deserve that.
One day, not too long ago, we had an argument. I don't remember what it was about, something stupid. He told me that he think we're over. He's done. I let him cool off for the day and left it at that. Over the course of the next couple of days I BEGGED him. I apologized profusely. I told him I would get better, WE would get better. But no, he refused & then I accepted it.
I am not a very confident person. I'm very self conscious, and he has called me fat and other names more times then none. I felt so unloved and alone. I sent naked pictures of myself to men and sexted with them also. I'm not proud of this, and I kind of feel disgusted that I had to do that to make myself feel better.
A week after he wanted to talk. He wanted to work on us, get better. I told him what I did and my gosh.. I have never made him so angry. I don't even think I have made anyone this angry.
I slept probably 2 hours that night. "Are you awake? I hope you are. You don't deserve to sleep, you deserve to lie there and think about everything you've done. What will your mother think when I tell her that her daughter is a W hore? What do you think they will say about you?" This went on all night. To him I was a cheater, but I honestly, 100% WHOLE HEARTEDLY, thought we were over, I would never do such a thing if I was in a relationship.
He manipulated me into telling my parents, if I didn't he would. (which was the hardest thing i've ever done). He later told me that he was never going to tell them. Now my parents hate him, because they know the truth which puts more strain on the whole situation.

After I apologized again. I'm so exhausted by having things I do or say perceived as me being a terrible person when it's not my intention. I yell when I talk sometimes, it's mostly because i'm excited or upset, but I don't know when I'm doing it. He gets pretty pissed at me and tells me to stop being such a ***** to him. I've told him time and time again that i'm not trying to be a bit. He used this example: I bet the ISIS people don't think they're being terrible people, but they are.

We headed to Korea to be alone and work on ourselves together. I told him that it upset me when he made jokes about what I did with those men. This started an argument and he told me to buy a plane ticket and leave, so I did. I never thought I would ever have the courage to leave him, but I did. Even though I have no idea how I did do it. I feel like I was on auto pilot the whole time.

Now 3 days later, he's wrecked. He feels absolutely horrible and he wants to change. He wants to be better. He loves me and he "NEEDS" me. I don't know if I trust him. I don't want to waste anymore of my life, what if they're all lies? What if he has changed, what if he hasn't? I don't know what to do.

Help

Some abusers can change. This one probably won't.

Don't go back. He's only wrecked because he's lost his victim. He doesn't care about you. Only having someone to abuse.

You're still so young and have so much to offer don't waste your time on this jerk.

May I ask why you think that?

That is no way to make yourself feel better about yourself even if you thought your marriage was over.....it's a lousy way of attracting even worse men than the one you married. Lower your standards to doing things like that & you aren't going to end up any happier but dig an even deeper hold for unhappiness.

Honestly, IMO, it would be better for you to get the divorce & spend a lot of time trying to get your own act together & learn to value yourself without it being based on someone else's value of you. If you really want to attract a husband who truly loves you for who you really are.

You didn't even know this guy before you married him so I'm not sure how you could really love someone you didn't know.....you don't know people when you know them at a distance without actually having REAL live interface with them & know how they really treat you.....don't waste your time on long distance relationships like that....find some real person where you live.

I would NEVER put up with anyone treating me the way that he treated you. I would have been gone the very first time....but again, lack of self-confidence kept you going back & you doing the apologizing when it should have been him that was apologizing. He had no right to treat you the way he did no matter how much lack of self-confidence you have for yourself. It's good that you left....& IMO, it doesn't matter whether he changes of not.....you both have a lot of growing up to do before you either of you are really ready for a relationship.....you need self-confidence so that you aren't seeking his approval & he needs to control his anger before he ever needs to be with anyone. I think I would blow off that marriage as a huge mistake & make sure you learn the needed lessons from it yourself.....the abuse is his responsibility, but sexting & sending nude photos over the phone is NEVER an acceptable action if you really want anyone else to value you as a valuable person....you need to take stock of how bad it made you feel about yourself & don't take their cheap reactions as giving you a feeling of value. Don't do it again if you really want to value yourself as a person & you want others to value you also.

When we learn from our mistakes we grow & mature & if that's all we can take away from something like this....then it was a valuable lesson & leave the marriage as that....get the divorce & find someone you know for several years before EVER getting married.....that way you will really be able to see any red flags before you get yourself into a marriage. Wait for the right person & don't settle for less.

"I would never let someone treat me this way" is an appauling thing to say to an abuse survivor. You have no idea how you would respond if you were them and in that situation. Everyone imagines that they would leave, yet if it were that simple, domestic violence would not be the endemic it is today. The implication of that statement is that it's the victims own fault for not leaving, and that's called abuse apologism. It's a disgraceful, victim-blaming attitude that simply should not exist, especially not in a forum about abuse. Maturity has nothing to do with it, and suggesting it does is revolting. Really your whole post ^^ was awful. You should delete it and apologize. There is absolutely NO justification for abuse EVER. Maturity is irrelevant, and calling someone immature for how they respond to abuse is disgusting.

Friend, your story sounds a lot like mine. I met my (now ex) partner when i was 15, we started dating when i was 16. We had our first child when i'd just turned 18 and our second when I was 20. We separated when I was 23.
I thought he was the love of my life, that i would never have such passion and caring that I did with him. The truth is, he made me feel like garbage, by calling me fat, a ***** etc. so that I would feel like no one else would have me. Like you, I often found myself apologizing to him after he abused me. Like you, i was baffled by his seemingly irrational rages; one that stands out is when he beat me with his fists and threw me across the furniture while i was 8 months pregnant because i didn't return his library books. He never told me he'd even borrowed them.
In the end, he nearly killed me. In a rage, with our daughters sleeping in the next room, he grabbed a hammer and chased me around the house. I tried to escape but he'd locked the door and hidden the keys. I curled up on the ground trying to protect myself as the hammer came down. By some miracle, i was able to grab and scramble to my feet, wrestling it out of his hands. By all rights I should be dead.

Abusers can change, they can change because everything they do is a choice. Even the stuff they claim is a 'loss of control'; it's all calculated, it's all deliberate. They can change, but they don't. They enjoy abusing, it works for them. They get to let out all their aggression and rage (many are sociopaths or psychopaths by the way) and in return have someone who will do everything they can to make them happy and take all the blame.

No one can tell you what you should or shouldn't do, you're the expert on your life and your situation. I would strongly recommend reading the book 'Why Does He Do That' by Lundy Bancroft. I have a free PDF download link if you're interested. I'd also recommend looking up something called 'MOSAIC threat assessment', which is a free questionnaire that gives you a numerical result telling you how potentially dangerous your partner is. Both of these things will help you understand your situation better and help you plan accordingly. There are also lots of practical things you can do to increase your safety, whether you decide to stay or leave. I'm not sure if i'm meant to post links here, but PM me if you want me to send you the links.

I think the best thing is for you to leave. I know you are self conscious and might feel like you really love him, and I mean you probably do, otherwise why would you put up with him. I am not going to criticise you for staying with him, but I think for your sake, and for your future to be happier, you need to leave him. If you leave him he cant hurt you or abuse you any more. You need to work on yourself, your self esteem, realising that you are worth more. Yes, he could change, but it could also lead to a vicious cycle of him hurting you then begging. Its just not right. It is your choice what you do but please look after yourself and consider your own wellbeing over your love for him.

Thank goodness you are safe now. His tears and frustrations and mean words and manipulation a might make you feel sad or angry, but trips to the emergency room or the morgue are a lot more painful.

Stay where he can't hurt you. You are out!! That is the hardest part, actually getting out. Once you get out, STAY out until you gain perspective. This takes more than a few days. If you go back now, his behavior could escalate even further, you could be in more danger.

Oh, your original question. I have 3 abusive exes. They all promised me change a thousand times. As far as I know, they are all continuing to be abusive to their new partners. Abusers can change but it takes really hard work, determination, and counseling. Mostly they promise change to appease you, nothing more.

Good luck and here's a hug!

I've found that people can apologize as much as they want, but if they don't change the behavior that warranted that apology, it doesn't mean anything anymore. If he's apologized many times and still acts the same way, chances are he will never change. I've waited years and trust me, some people just can't change.

I think it's so important for you to focus on yourself, recovery, and on what makes you happy. If he has made you so unhappy, surely you don't want to be in this situation any longer, and I'm confident that you are strong enough to stay out of this relationship. Maybe try to reach out to some friends or family, or even members of this site for support. You're worth so much more than how he treated you, and don't let anyone tell you any differently.

You are worth it. You deserve a happy life and a happy relationship, and it's never, ever too late.

I found this (rather long) quote online a long time ago, and I've kept it since. It's helped me keep a positive mind about relationships, and keep a clear head when I'm trying to stay out of an unhealthy situation. Maybe it will help:

Spend your life with someone who is interested in you. That does not necessarily mean someone who thinks you're cute or funny. Find someone who wants to know every detail about you, and all your beautiful flaws. Someone who wants to read every word you write (and in this case, eat all the food you make!) Someone who wants to hear every note of your favorite song, and watch every scene of your favorite movie. Someone who wants to find every scar on your body and in your mind, learn where they came from, and help them heal. Someone who wants to know your favorite brand of toothpaste, or which quotes resonate deep in your bones when you hear them. There is a difference between attraction and interest. Find the person who wants to learn every aspect of who you are, and who wants to hold and love them. Because you deserve it.

Because he's already had many opportunities to and hasn't.

It's all about him. How he feels. Not how he has made you feel.

Has he actually apologized or are you just getting semi apologies that aren't really apologies but just excuses for why he does what he does?

He has apologized, which he never does usually. He seems like he's wanting to change. He's started reading books on abuse. I'm not sure whether he'll go to therapy but he says he will do whatever he needs to do to get me back.

I feel horrible because I don't want to lead him on. I don't know if I want to be with him anymore but I feel like I owe it to him

You owe him nothing. NOTHING.

If you don't want to be with him it will only make things worse for you in the long run. Relationships even where there is no abuse rarely end well when one person is not invested.

Maybe consider attending therapy yourself. These types of relationships can do a real number on you emotionally but please don't let yourself fall into the trap of trying to fix him.

He is the only one who can fix himself.

Please look up the cycle of abuse... You are going through it...

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Look up the "Wheel of violence" Read The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans and consider counseling for yourself. you don't owe him anything, but you DO owe yourself a life of respect and no violence. It took me 31 years to leave; that book saved my life. Abusers are insecure and will do whatever it takes to keep control of the victim. He needs to go to therapy by himself. Yu cant put your life on hold; educate yourself...xo

Honey... end it. Don't go back to him. Even if he can change, it's not going to happen unless he HAS to, unless he loses something important. If you go back to him, it'll just mean that he doesn't HAVE to change.

You deserve SO much better than that.

About the sexting and nude photos- You must have been feeling terrible pain. You must have been feeling so unworthy, that you felt that you needed others to make you feel worthwhile and beautiful. I am sorry you ever felt like you needed that. You are worthwhile and beautiful- hold onto that. Don't beat yourself up about it, and don't let other judgmental people make you feel bad about it. Giving you a hard time about it will not help, and listening to them won't help either.

You absolutely owe him NOTHING. He doesn't deserve you. The way he has treated you is NOT OK, and he doesn't deserve any more chances. Let this help you grow. Get counseling. Don't let this break you. Leave him behind and don't look back. You deserve better.

Thank you so much. ♥

I always say .. If your sister, friend, or anyone you know was in the situation , what would you tell them to do ?

Stay safe

Update:

Today is day 9 since I left him. He wants to have a trail now. A week, to see if he's gotten better. I told him that he can fake it for a week, hell he could even fake it for a month. All he's done since I have left is read a book about abuse. He hasn't even had any therapy or gone to abuse group sessions. Just read 1 book.

He says that he's been working on his anger, that he has been putting himself in situations that normally make him angry so he can learn patience. I just don't feel like that fixes everything.

I don't believe him when he says he's changed, and I feel guilty for just wanting to break up for good. I'm so exhausted from the same things. I don't trust him and it hurts me to even say that i'm afraid of him. Even though he claims that he would never do anything to hurt me - how can I believe that after what he's done? I've been with him for 6 years and i'm just done. Does this make me a bad person? I don't know what to do anymore.

You are not a bad person. Your abuser is controlling and manipulating you back under his thumb, it's been 9 days with no scapegoat and nobody to take his anger out on. The honeymoon period (where abusers promise to change, treat you like a queen, and pretend they are perfect) is very short. My guess is by the third day he would be yelling at you for leaving him, being suspicious of WHY you left, what you did while you were apart, WHO you were with, any number of things.

Abuse typically escalates after the victim leaves, when the abuser convinces the victim to come back, the abuser becomes convinced that no matter what happens, the victim will always forgive and forget.

Please stay separated and safe until you gain perspective on this situation. Here's a hand you can hold and a shoulder to cry on if you need it.

Thank you so much for posting, it means a lot. I want to break it off but I don't know how.. Plus I don't know how he's going to take and i'm worried that he's just going to not take no for an answer.

He is a grown man and responsible for how he takes your leaving. You don't have to know how to do it, or if you're doing it "right" as long as you stay separated from him.

Don't meet him to talk, at home or away from home.

Don't go to your home with him to pack your things, unless you are accompanied by the police.

Don't allow him to be close enough to touch you, no matter what.

Good luck, I know how hard it is, but leaving again is harder than leaving and staying gone.

I doubt he'll change and I'll tell you why:

There's no time for him to change. Only three days have gone by and he's been abusive for years.

There's also no reason to believe he's sincere. More like he's in shock and just saying whatever to get you back. I doubt he's really thought about it or even knows the details of what he needs to do to change.

If you take him back, the message he will receive is that you have no boundaries and that there are literally no deal-breakers in this relationship. The threat of you leaving him was your only leverage and you've already played that card. Now you have no leverage. If anything, his next "episode" will probably be even worse.

I want to break up with him. I know what to say to him. But he sends me emails about his day. He says he misses me and he's sorry and he loves me so much and I feel so guilty because I'm about to crush him.

We can't tell you what to do. I can tell you what I did, and didn't do. I'm a year and a half separated from my third abusive long term relationship. I'm 40 years old, I married lucky number 1 at 18. All my youth wasted on taking care of them and trying everything I could think of to be what they needed and wanted so they wouldn't have to hurt me any more.

Obviously it never worked.

Please don't waste your youth trying to fix him. Spend your time on you!

This is what I want to do but I feel guilty for being selfish

Feelings can't bruise you or injure you, and you should not feel guilty for keeping yourself safe. It's not selfish, it's smart.

We often tell ourselves it's not that bad, we deserved some of it, we started the argument, we burned the dinner, we spent too much money, we woke up late, we can justify just about anything.

Pretend a friend of yours was in the same situation. What would you say to her? Would you let your friend take the blame? Would you tell your friend "stop being selfish, go back to that man, don't make him suffer" or would you say "come crash at my place while you figure things out."