[Capriciousness]

Hi everyone,

I am new to this particular forum so this may be a tad long but I really need some wise advice! I have known because of therapy for a long time about the emotional abuse I have received from my parents especially some pretty severe covert incest from my father. My current therapist has helped me in ways though has not completely addressed the issue. I plan to go back and work on it more. I am reading up on the topic.

I have achieved a lot of recovery over the years. When I look at the treatment plan for recovery I have been though a lot of the steps already. I do still have a lot of lingering ickiness in terms of being with my father and knowing how to interact or deal with my relationship with him.

My question for you all is....

How do you have an adult relationship with your abuser? If anybody shares with me the emotional abuse and covert incest situation how do you deal with that? I feel it is most difficult for me because while I feel so violated/used/and abused, I think that my father has no idea that anything was ever wrong and sees it more as once upon a time we had this special relationship and I have abandoned him.

We have basically nothing to talk about. I don't feel like he respects me as an adult or respects my parenting of my own children. Plus he is an annoying self centered personality who believes he is never wrong and reacts very poorly to being disagreed with. Point being that he is not an easy personality and annoys the crap out of me.

Every time I am with him I feel tense and icky and angry but with and shot of guilt. So yeah that is where I need help and healing.

Thanks for listening to all that. I am really hoping for some advice. Hugs to you all in this forum.

Any thoughts?

[Jamles]

Hello Capriciousness. I can understand the emotional abuse and I know that it can be very hard to live with, but the covert stuff I cannot. I pretty much cut off all communications with my abusive parent which did help, especially after I started a family. I think that it would be best for you to move on with your life and be the best parent you can be for your family. I really don't think that you can expect anything positive from your father after all that has happened. I hope the best for you and your family.

[Capriciousness]

Thank you so much for sharing that with me. It is very helpful. I don't really know that I do think there is anything to be salvaged really. I don't want at this time to deal with cutting him out completely of my life (though he is mostly not part of my life. I just "see" him once in awhile for big family things). But you are making me think that perhaps the only real thing I can do in regards to all of my questions about interacting with him to to cut him off as much as possible and not feel bad about it. That that may be all I can do. Whether he knows he abused me or not.

[Quarter life]

Hey Capriciousness,

I totally agree with Jamles on this one....Whether a parent appreciates that they hurt you is neither here nor there, you as an adult get to decide who you allow in your life. Having the title of 'parent' blood or otherwise is not a 'get out of jail free' card. A perpetrator is a perpetrator plain and simple....there is no excuse. So to answer your question 'How do you have an adult relationship with your abuser'?....you don't. Your father gave up that privilege years ago.

Be kind to yourself Capriciousness.

[RedEagle]

Originally Posted by Capriciousness

Hi everyone,

I am new to this particular forum so this may be a tad long but I really need some wise advice! I have known because of therapy for a long time about the emotional abuse I have received from my parents especially some pretty severe covert incest from my father. My current therapist has helped me in ways though has not completely addressed the issue. I plan to go back and work on it more. I am reading up on the topic.

I have achieved a lot of recovery over the years. When I look at the treatment plan for recovery I have been though a lot of the steps already. I do still have a lot of lingering ickiness in terms of being with my father and knowing how to interact or deal with my relationship with him.

My question for you all is....

How do you have an adult relationship with your abuser? If anybody shares with me the emotional abuse and covert incest situation how do you deal with that? I feel it is most difficult for me because while I feel so violated/used/and abused, I think that my father has no idea that anything was ever wrong and sees it more as once upon a time we had this special relationship and I have abandoned him.

We have basically nothing to talk about. I don't feel like he respects me as an adult or respects my parenting of my own children. Plus he is an annoying self centered personality who believes he is never wrong and reacts very poorly to being disagreed with. Point being that he is not an easy personality and annoys the crap out of me.

Every time I am with him I feel tense and icky and angry but with and shot of guilt. So yeah that is where I need help and healing.

Thanks for listening to all that. I am really hoping for some advice. Hugs to you all in this forum.

Any thoughts?

I am a male and experienced the same sort of relationship with my mother. She is a narcissist which is why our relationship ended up like it did and it sounds like your Dad may be as well. The way I look at it is why continue to be in a relationship that has caused you so much psychological damage in your life already? As a kid you have no choice because you're dependent on your parents for survival. Abusers/manipulators use this dependency to exploit you. As an adult you have a choice.

I have a complete no contact policy towards my mother. It's basically like saying you want to strap a buzzsaw to yourself and try to have a healthy relationship with it, it's just not going to happen. If someone is dangerous stay away from them.

[Capriciousness]

Thank you so much for your replies. I am really listening to you all and it is very helpful to hear. I know you may think I just don't get it but I really cannot cut off all contact with him. At least not now. It would cause me such a monumental amount of stress I believe it would be very bad for me (I am Bipolar and need to avoid stress!).

The only contact I have with him right now is being in his presence on occasions with family. I think that my feelings surrounding the relationship contribute very much to the tension I feel when he is here. This thread is helping me to release those feelings.

I am hearing that you all feel that not contact is what is appropriate therefore I should not feel like I need to do any more than tolerate his presence. I do not need to feel like I need to have conversation or call him or let him visit by himself on other occasions. I think this will help me a lot.

It might be relevant to add that he has totally dropped me in terms of being his "friend". In fact I don't really think he cares all that much (loves me in his own broken way but not that matters) about my relationship with him. He has turned to my son to be his raison d'être now. Which I guess is a whole new thread. I have been on top of it though don't worry. I am sure that just adds to the argument for cutting him out. However, he is not as bad at this as my sister is. She has really cratered lately and has totally begun what I now see as an emotionally incestuous situation with my son. I have cut off all contact with her except for the family gathering too. this is relatively recent and I am learning more about all this and trying to figure it out....

Yes I do believe my father is narcissistic. And I now think my sister may be histrionic personality.

I hear you. They are dangerous.

[RedEagle]

Jesus, that sounds terrible. Hopefully you're in a situation where you can prevent your son from experiencing the same abuse you experienced. I know if I had kids I would never in a million years risk them being abused like I was. No one was there to protect me and no one had the knowledge either to prevent it and I wouldn't make the same mistake.

[Skywoulf]

I am a man 52 years old. as a child I was sexually abused by my father, and my mother knew about it and did nothing. (it was her that told me he started in on me at the age of 6 months.) now there are a lot of things I am not going to detail, if you are reading this you should already have a pretty good idea.

as to a relationship, I love him because he is my father, but I don't respect him or particularly like him. I might see him every few years or so, (he divorced my mom when I was 16) and I might call and wish him happy new year, but that is all the contact we have. if I am seeing him in person, I cannot and will not stand to be with him longer than 5 minutes or so.

I cant remember how old I was but sometime in my thirties or forties I actually confronted him and asked Why? lets just say he wasn't remorseful at all. in fact I was told he was molested and he enjoyed the tar out of it.

now I am real big on forgiveness, and as we all know when you forgive someone, it is really for you and not them. so yes I did forgive him to his face, but I still cant spend more than a few minutes in communication with him be it phone or in person.

[Angelina24]

Originally Posted by Capriciousness

I think that my father has no idea that anything was ever wrong and sees it more as once upon a time we had this special relationship and I have abandoned him.

This.

Same situation with my mother who thinks I am mean and hateful and can't see all the wonderful things she did for me. Never mind that she is narcissistic and abusive. She doesn't see any of that. She sees herself as the perfect mother. Which she is not.

I have chosen to limit contact for my own sanity, not because she acknowledges that she did anything wrong. There is an unexplainable ickiness about that relationship. Sometimes I just want to vomit when I have to spend more than a few minutes with her. I do spend holidays and birthdays with her but that is all. Anything more than that would be too much. I can't bring myself to cut off all contact because that would be too painful for me right now. I do limit contact though and that is about my needs, not hers. I have chosen to put my own needs first for once and not feel guilty about that. It is a work in progress, that's for sure.