Has anyone been abused by a sibling?

Just a sibling, not another relative?

How did it affect you.

I was sexually abused by my brother and I'm trying to find someone who went through similiar experiences.

Yes. I was sexually abused by my brother, who is 5 years older than me. Sibling sexual abuse is not a topic often spoken about, but the affects can be the same as being abused by a parent. I went through my whole life thinking I was the only one. I am a drug addict, I SH, I have chronic sui thoughts, I've attempted sui twice, I have c-ptsd (this result triggered by a combination of the csa and the physical and emotional abuse which drenched out of my family), I have anxiety and depression, I have a sleep disorder, I can't hold down a full time job. I'm a mess, but I have to constantly pretend I'm okay. I don't trust anyone. I barely trust myself.

I'm very sorry that your brother did that to you You are not alone. Counselling has helped me enormously - do you have a counsellor or therapist?

It may very well be triggering for you but, if you feel up to it and want to know more, google 'sibling sexual abuse' there are a number of articles and websites offering information on this form of abuse. That's how I first started to feel less alone.

Feel free to pm me if you want to.

Yes, my ptsd was actually from being sexually abused by my brother who is three years older than me. I think it's quite normal to think that because they're not much older than us and because they're not an adult, that it wasn't abuse. At least that was how I saw it for most of my childhood, it took a long time for me to accept that my childhood wasn't normal. I always assumed that it was normal for siblings to bully each other so I never thought much about my brother hitting me or locking me up in a storeroom. It's not really about age either because my brother used an electrical cord to hit my sister who was older than him and that was traumatic. I think that if you felt helpless and afraid at that point of time, then it definitely was traumatic and it doesn't matter who did it to you.

In terms of the effects, I suffer from symptoms of dissociation so I'm emotionally numb and I detach from my feelings. I cannot feel any positive emotions like happiness but the good thing about that is it helps me function and hold down a job. I have major trust issues and cannot seem to form a relationship with anybody. I suffer from anxiety around people so I can only cope in jobs where I don't have to be around people much. Therapy can help a lot, find a good trauma therapist who can help you work through this. Just wanted to let you know, that you're not alone...

I was physically abused by my sibling. It's had a tremendous impact on me.

Like Wolfie it has wrecked my capacity to trust and left me with a major dissociation problem. I have great difficulty expressing anger or being around it so I have set up a life of non-intimate relationships to avoid those feelings.

T describes me as "high functioning." I hold down a job and excel at it, but that's the only part of my life that is functional. It's just like when I was a kid and focused on school to get through the abuse at home.

I have a lot of shame about being abused by a sibling because it is a category of abuse that is often not discussed. So it feels extra weird that it happened to me.

You describe me spot on. I'm also high functioning because I work. I have an extremely high startle response. I mean ridiculously high, My scream is one of sheer terror and after people recover from hearing it, they laugh and tell me I should be in horror films. Not real funny for me though.

I was abused by my step brother while he thought I was sleeping. Repeatedly.
Like everyone else in here it caused shame, confusion, dissociation, and generally hit me like a ton of bricks in my late teens/early 20s. It's amazing how the magnitude of something can be blocked out when you're just a scared kid, and how victimised you feel as an adult.

Yep. I have really strong reactions when I feel crowded at work. Someone touched me once when I was angry and I flipped out. I don't want to be "out" about my stuff at work, but it's hard struggling to keep up a normal face when parts of my life are so incredibly dysfunctional.

I was sexually abused by a sibling only one year older than me for years. It has affected me terribly. I have never been in a relationship. He was my best friend, my playmate. He abused that trust. I hated him at times. I felt angry at times. At times I feel like he ruined my life. I have learned to forgive him for the most part but it has taken many years. I felt a lot of shame and guilt for a long time but it is not like it used to be. My parents left us alone all the time so he had free access to me. I always figured if I would have been easier if it was an adult than I could say he overpowered me but it was my brother. I heard all the negative connotation. What you are traumatized by what your brother did? Are you gay? etc. I still feel this intense shame when people ask about the age difference. I know now I was groomed from the very beginning and I knew he could beat the hell out of me. I have had a lot of therapy to overcome this and other problems in my life. Trust me you are not alone.

I also have the startle reflex. I jump when anybody sneaks behind me. I hate pelvic exams and waited until I was 30 to have my first one. I hate loud noises I jump.

My slightly older brother beat me, and pinched me, taunted me, etc. Once, he touched my crotch forcibly. He hated me and openly said so repeatedly.

Everyone chalked it up to mere sibling rivalry, but he was mostly the aggressor and it was quite one sided.

Sibling abuse is rarely talked about.

I am very emotionally detached.

Mine too, the physical and emotional abuse started from the time I could remember until he moved out. He called me hag my entire life, I don't think I ever heard him say my name. My parents also dismissed it

How does everyone handle being around their abusive sibling at family events? My family has no clue, and my brother and I never ever talk about what he did. We act completely normal around everyone...I often wonder if it really happened or if I'm making it up. No one sees how I try to avoid him or tense up when he's close. It's been getting worse the more I've been talking about it in therapy. It's horrible not being able to completely break free from him.

It's like that for me, too. I pretend like everything is fine. I tried to address it once with my parents but they reacted defensively and actually stopped communicating with me except for email for a bit, which made me feel awful, so I dropped it. Before I went into T it wasn't so upsetting for me, but that's because I was so numb and doing some self-destructive things to keep everything out of my awareness.

I know my T wishes, in a dream world, that I would draw a boundary and not attend family events with him. I wish I was able to say that instead of suffering through them. The fallout is terrible and now I absolutely dread November and December due to the holidays.

Some of us are just forced into ****** positions because nobody else in the family bubble will admit that anything is wrong. I'm lucky enough that I've moved far away enough to only have to confront my step brother and father who abused me if there's a true crisis (funeral, wedding, etc.)
It's still pretty rough that your immediate family would play dumb over breaking contact with those who caused so much damage. Sometimes I wish I could shake my mother, brothers and biological father. They'll never change. Look out for yourselves and build a safe life for you and those you love.

Physical and verbal abuse from my older brother. I had a flinch response to him as I grew up, because he liked to attack me out of the blue. Walking down the hallway he would suddenly deck me hard in the head. Sometimes I would throw up afterward. He'd punch me anywhere, for no reason, I could never know when it was coming. It was an everyday thing.

We had a single working mom and no dad, and she couldn't stop him. She would just break down into tears and scream STOP over and over if she were home and witnessing it.

He beat down so many doors in so many apartments, we were evicted from for noise complaints and had to move every year. I can remember leaning against the back of so many of those doors while he tore them apart and I knew the hinges were coming off and I had no where to go. Terror.

I didn't have a name to him, except Fat**** or Fatass, Piece of ****, or ******.

The hardest part is that as as adults, we don't talk about it. We have this strained, silent relationship, as if it were all over. But I remember everything. When I am around him, I constantly 'check' myself for irregularities, for anything that might be offensive to him. I control the way I speak and I never, ever disagree with him about anything. I play aloof and goofy, because in some way, I want him to love me. I want him to think I am good, or worthy, or something. I don't trust him, but I do things for him like give him money for his drug addictions because I can't stand to see him in withdrawal and in pain.

When he's high, he will hug me or call me bro or show me things like how to fix a truck, and the whole time I am torn between wanting to enjoy it, and wanting to walk away and sob because I'm so confused.

I read through so many replies here and I relate to the discomfort of being around our abusive siblings. I'm sorry I wrote so long, I have never talked about this. I am sorry we all had to endure this. It seems we have each other, though.

I get the impression most of the entries are made by women abused by brothers.

What about female abusers????? Cannot they be abusive as well???

I'm a man who experienced the reverse of all your experiences. I was sexually and emotionally abused by my two older sisters. I was bullied every waking hour of my childhood by them. At age 12 I was sexually abused and raped, yes, raped by these two older sisters (at the time they were aged 15 and 18). Mum condoned it too! The older one also raped me again when I was aged 14.

So just letting people know that girls/sisters can be abusive just as much as boys.

I hope there are people who can also post about being abused by their sisters.

Lastly, some of you maintain contact at family gatherings with your brothers. Why? Why have contact with them with what they do? Why do you have to put on an act like everything is fine between the two of you. Solution: no contact with them, makes life incredibly easier for you.

PH

Yes, for most of my life, but it wasn't sexual. I'm so sorry. From what I've heard, it's really hard finding stuff on this particular kind of abuse. I did read a pretty good book a few years ago called Sibling Abuse by Vernon R. Wiehe. It includes all kinds of abuse. It helped me a great deal, because up until then, I'd always been told that it was normal, even "required" for "brothers" to "torture" sisters. (What a sick, horrible culture we live in!) For me, it was beatings, constant bullying, emotional and psychological abuse, degrading (including sexual) name-calling, public humiliations, gaslighting to the point where I started losing my grip on reality...it goes on, but it's upsetting me too much to think about this right now. No one did anything except to say meekly that they shouldn't do that. Even now, no one takes it seriously when I talk about this. It's almost as "controversial" as emotional abuse. I live in a conservative state, but still, there's a ton of people who deny that these things really count as abuse at all. Totally ignoring how much damage it does to victims, long-term.

In most situations that bring families together, it's not so "simple" to avoid contact. Weddings, funerals, etc. often force these situations upon us. Family dynamics often complicate these situations further as certain members will avoid bringing up the past or deny it completely. In my case, after telling my mother that I was abused by my stepfather (emotional and mildly sexual) and stepgradfather (sexual) she acknowledged it but is still in a relationship with him. Everybody's situation is different and to suggest a blanket solution of cutting off all contact is frankly ignorant.
Also, nobody is stopping male members from sharing their stories. Of course abuse occurs for both genders. I don't see anybody here suggesting that it doesn't. Everyone has their own story. Respect ours and we'll respect yours.

I maintain contact because I feel like I have to. No one in my family knows how bad the abuse was, and especially not about the sexual abuse. I suppose it's my fault for not telling them, but I think I have many valid reasons for not telling. So they don't understand why I don't just "get over it."

Hi,

I was sexually abused by my brother. It affected me a great deal in many facets of my life. I was only 9 or 10 at the time.

Thanks Louemz for your reply. I'm suggesting cutting off people out of your life who have caused a person terrible pain. I wonder what is the value of being re-traumatised every time you see someone who abused you as a child? Then having to play 'happy family' at the same time and pretend you get on well. And I agree it is not always black and white, sometimes you have to have contact re: funerals. weddings, etc. But I have read and watched on Youtube, survivors who have gone no contact due to having an unhappy life from having continual contact with an abuser.

And I am respecting what each person's story, why do you think I'm not? I guess what I meant by my earlier post is that I'd like to hear from people abused by their sisters. And also stories from male survivors. So far it seems we have only heard about abusive brothers.

PH

Ah okay. I understand better what you were trying to suggest now. Apart from the situations in which I'm forced to keep in contact with my abusers that I mentioned above, I have absolutely no contact and that was a decision I made as soon as I graduated high school and left my hometown. There's no connection whatsoever through social media, my mum doesn't talk about them over the phone and when I go back to visit I stay in separate accommodation. It's more complicated than that but I'd have to write a novel.

You asked what the value in being retraumatized is when you do have to see the person. For me, it's a compromise. What's the value in missing the funeral or wedding of someone you love for the sake of someone who victimised you. For me (and I know it's different for some), avoiding the abuser feels like I'm being victimised anyway. The reason being that this person/people still hold power over me by making me miss out on important life events. It's very hard and has left me very conflicted in the past.

Also, I don't think you're disrespectful towards others...it's just that the way you phrased your post came off as a little agressive and accusatory to those who can't break contact for whatever reason. It probably wasn't your intention but in a thread that's so personal, sensitive and triggering it can come across that way initially.

Thanks for the reply.

Wow I am in exactly the same situation... My brother and I act normal to each other when others are around, even though I try to avoid him as much as possible.. He is now even trying to improve our relationship by asking me a lot of questions about me and my life, but all I want is to never see him again and move on with myself. My parents have no clue and often blame me for acting weird around my brother. I am not even sure if he remembers what he did or if I am also making it up...

Many people were abused by a sibling. Yes, i was one of them. And yes, it messes up your head really horribly. It gives you trust issues, anger issues, low self esteem issues, identity issues and all out feeling horrible about yourself. I suffered nightmares, insomnia, anger, rage, hate. To this day I feel just numb inside, not wanting to even go there anymore. You learn to let the past go and move forward. With work you can manage this, into a new chapter in your life. tc

I have just become aware of the effects of sibling abuse by my brother 2.5 years older. He would suffocate me out of the blue with a pillow, that way it didn't leave any marks on my body. Now, I have been aware that I have trouble breathing when I awake at the middle of the night. A few months ago when I was staying at his house he joked how "he was the only one that had power over me". It was quite sad to hear him say that. Especially, he is a therapist.
We have talked about his abuse but he has no clue the effects it has had on me. In some ways he thinks he was entitled to abusing me because he had it rough from my father. My father did say that he wished he had been more proactive in stopping the sibling abuse. The abuse happened over 45 years ago. I think I may looking into therapy like EMDR. I have been aware that when I talk to him the symptoms of a tight chest and difficulty breathing arise a few hours after a phone conversation with him.
If I have any success I will share it on the forum.