How bad is it that my brother touched me and I enjoyed it?

I am a 27 female and I feel very inappropriate about what happened between me and my brother when we were kids (I was about 13/14 years old and my brother 11/12). Basically he tricked me into 'teaching' him how to handle things with a girl. He told me as an older sister I should safe him from disasters with girls by letting him touch and kiss me so he wouldn't look like a fool when he tried it. I felt proud in some weird way that he came to me for this and let him do those things to me and even gave tips. Afterwards I felt really disgusted and told him he shouldn't do it again, but on holidays (when we had to share the same room) I often woke up to him touching me and jerking off next to me. I told him to stop it but he said it was normal that siblings experience things like that together. Strangely enough, it did turn me on so sometimes I even pretended to be asleep while he was touching me.

Later on I started to avoid him as much as possible and would make a scene when we had to sleep together (much to my parents' annoyance). He is very (verbally) aggressive too and I always felt I couldn't defend myself for him.

Now I have developed a massive distance to my brother and people in general actually, I often think that all that guys want is sex and nobody cares about me. My mum tries to keep the family together but all I want is to move to another country and run away forever. I have been traveling a lot in my life (3 years straight was the longest period I have been away) and I've never missed anyone (neither family nor friends) or had the urge to return back home. Now that I am 27 I feel like the secret with my brother is growing on me and that it might be the reason why I don't trust anybody or don't let anybody come close to me (I also got rated as having a dismissive-avoidant attachment style). I just want to know if I should move on from what happened because it is normal or that I should speak to somebody about it?

It might be good for you to talk to a non judgmental therapist about this.

Sometimes, experiencing pleasure heightens the guilt and shame. However, he is still wrong for touching you without your consent.

I agree with quietmind. He was 100% wrong and it sounds like it had affected your life in some pretty big ways. Yes, a non judgements pal therapist. I agree. It's time for you to take your life back.

Your body was just responding the way it should - the way it was meant to. Your body can't not respond, just because the person doing the touching was wrong to be doing it. Its like telling you not to breathe in poisonous air. If that is the only air available, at some point your body will make you breathe, no matter how much your mind didn't want it to.

Thanks for the answers I think indeed I need to get it off my chest and just let it all out. I haven't been able to cry for a long time and lately I feel really triggered that I can burst into tears any moment. Not sure why I am so emotional all of a sudden, but I do feel it has something to do with my past (especially because my brother moved back to my mum to sort out 'his problems', so I don't feel safe anymore there and didn't come to visit for 3 months already). My mum is blaming me for acting so weird around him and keeps asking me when I finally grow up and accept my brother the way he is. I wanna tell her so bad that he is exactly the reason why I am acting so distant, but I know that would break her heart and mess up the whole family...

Withinwalls,

If you can, please do see a social worker / counsellor / psychotherapist / psychologist for a safe space to process how you can cope with your brother moving back with your mum. Your feelings of losing that house as a safe(r) space is important.

A therapist can also explore options with you on how to go about telling your mum if that's your decision.

Some confidential support might be helpful for you, as you're dealing with a lot.

I don't think teenage siblings touching each other sexually is normal... furthermore he continued to do so after you requested him to stop.

Also, you experiencing pleasure is due to natural physiological responses - people can climax from rape and sexual abuse.

Sometimes also one might want the touching on some level even as one hates it. Please do not blame yourself - many people have complex feelings about things like this.

For example, you wouldn't blame someone for wanting attention and affection even if the only attention they ever got was sexual abuse.

For me, I have experienced unwanted touching and on one hand, it felt nice and I liked it, even though I wished it was my boyfriend and not the creep touching me. Fact remains that I desired stimulation and touching, but not with that person.

These feelings of possible guilt because you "wanted it", are all stuff which you can benefit from discussing with a non judgmental therapist.

I am sorry to hear you have experienced that Isn't it unfair that our bodies work that way sometimes? And when you actually want to experience, it doesn't work... You are right that I feel really guilty/ashamed that I enjoyed it and that I gave my brother probably more reasons to do it. In some way I feel like I deserved it or something. I also think my brother doesn't even remember it or at least doesn't think it was something bad. He is dealing with his own problems (we had a very emotionally abusive father) and I don't want to make my mum more worried, so I think I am gonna see a psychologist and try to deal with it that way.

Did you get to accept what happened to you in the end?

Hi withinwalls,

Our bodies just work that way, please try not to blame yourself. I understand that it can be very difficult and confusing especially given how society tends to victim-blame and say things like "well, you enjoyed it" or "You must have encouraged it".

We are wired to seek connection, so sometimes children / youth will return repeatedly to their sexual abuser because of the few scraps of affection they get.

As for you feeling "proud in some way", I believe it's complicated and understandable

In a twisted way, I felt vaguely thrilled when molested because it meant that someone "finally saw me as desirable". and it's mixed with a lot of other confusing feelings.

It doesn't matter if your brother remembers it or doesn't think it is a bad thing. Some people rationalise and justify harm to others, or are unable to see how their actions can be harmful.

What matters is how you feel about it - conflicted feelings and all.

I really hope you will be able to find a good and understanding psychologist to process this with.

As for me,please do not worry. I have accepted it happened to me and plan to talk with my current therapist (with whom I have good rapport) on the confusing feelings of shame, guilt, desire, liking, disgust, shock and all of it.

I was one of eight children. My brother molested me also. I was 8 years old. Both my brothers molested all 6 of us girls. We grew up on a farm. Oddly enough when my brother died 16 years ago I cried behind the casket as they wheeled him out of the church. Don't beat yourself up over this. Life happens at a very young age to innocent people. You are not to blame. Your hormones were feeling joys that in your confusion you did not understand. Ask God to remove the self shame and distrust to others. Believe it or not boys get raped too. And more then they will ever admit. I am a survivor of incest, emotional abuse. Women all over the world almost all of us have suffered with incest and sexual abuse. We are sisters in the sisterhood for a reason. Any time you want to talk to me you feel free. Hugs and God loves you just as you are. He does not blame us for being victims or the confusion caused by it.

Hey guys sorry for my late reply! Im feeling a lot better actually after I was finally able to cry about everything It was really weird... especially after not having been able to cry for years and years, I just broke at some point after hearing a song. But I felt so relieved afterwards! Your comments helped me to not keep blaming myself for the situation, which I have been doing since it happened. I now know that he was the one being wrong and abusing my innocence.

I've actually discovered something really disturbing too when I last saw him... It looks like he was/is also abusing my younger (gay) brother! I saw it when we were all sitting on the couch together, that he sits really close to my brother (like almost lying on top of him) and he had an erection! I was soo disturbed by this view and when he noticed it, he pulled away from my little brother and tried to hide his ****. I also often see him 'ride' my brother for fun and making these moaning sounds. I have later asked my little brother about it and he responds kinda vaguely that it must be because he (my older bro) doesnt have enough sex and just want to be playful, which I thought was a very odd answer. I am not sure if I should ask more questions about it or even tell my own story to him, because he clearly didnt wanna talk about the subject... I also think if I tell my own story, our whole family will fall apart and it just started to get a bit better between us My older brother is not happy with himself at all and tries his hardest to enjoy life again, I even feel when our stories would come out, he might actually do something bad to himself... I would never get over the guilt when that would happen!

I have informed talking with a psychologists but my insurance doesnt cover it and I am still a student so have no income to pay for sessions... I should have a job in February so I can start by then, but I don't know what to do until then

You can't hide the truth to protect your abuser. If telling your brother or other people about the abuse hurts the abuser's feelings, that's not your fault. You didn't create this awful truth. He did. The guilt is his to live with. It's not your responsibility to protect him from it. If it hurts your family, it's not your fault. You didn't do anything wrong. This secret is should not be controlling your life. You're not the culprit here.

I know you're worried about your family, but your home doesn't seem to be a very safe place. Letting the truth come out should make your home safer.

You need to start protecting yourself emotionally -- allow yourself to health through therapy. Since you're in school - university I presume - you should have a student health center with free mental health services for students. It's important that you see a therapist about these issues. The feeling of estrangement from your family and wanting to run away are signs that not everything is okay for you personally. Trauma isn't something we're meant to handle alone. We need support.

It's always wrong to touch another person without consent and your brother had to have known that. If he shows a measure of self-disgust, it's only more evidence that he knows he's wronged you and your brother. Unfortunately he's shown a pattern of violating boundaries, not just with you. The truth will out and that's not your fault.

Thanks a lot for this message! It really has exactly what I needed to read and now I am more confident to let out the truth. I contacted my school for a therapist and they do provide them to students, so thanks a lot for the tip! Last night I had a dream what would happen if I keep quiet for ever and it resulted in me breaking with my whole family, so I definitely have a big trigger now to stop hiding

Thanks everybody for the all kind responses