So, who is healing?

When I was a younger adult, I ignored my childhood because it was too painful to look at. I bought into my mother's "Leave it to Beaver" version of things. However, life events have conspired to create an environment where all of my "stuff" is coming back to haunt me. I am working hard in therapy to slog through the muck and the mire and feel stuck.

All I feel now is sad and angry. Although I have had a few glimpses of a sense of healing, they have been fleeting.

What is the point of dragging up all of this crap? I'm beginning to think it should stay buried, where it belongs. Although I entered therapy agreeing with the sentiment of "the only way out is through," I am beginning to doubt myself.

I feel unable to move forward in my life because of all this old pain I am experiencing. Enough already! I'm sick of it. Once was enough.

What is the point of dragging up all of this crap? I'm beginning to think it should stay buried, where it belongs

It's like having a severely infected wound.

You can put salve on it and throw a band-aid on it and hope for the best, but chances are the infection will fester and really make you sick.

But if you take antibiotics to clear it up, the infection will ooze all the yucky stuff out of you until it's gone.

Only then can the wound begin to heal.

Sister,

Therapy, in my opinion, is such a fine line when dregging up this stuff. I was hosptilized about 5 times in a 2 year period going back about 16 years ago. I had suddenly had flashbacks about being sexually abused by my grandfather.

At the time I was going through it I could not seem to keep myself together - like I was just so depressed and there was nothing that I could do about it. It was hard to face all those issues and realize that it was because of those events that I had specific issues as an adult.

To be quite honest, I realized after a time that I was going in the hospital to run away and elude the problem. I could go there and not work, have someone cook for me, talk to other people, have the attention of counselors, and hide from the world. After the fifth hospitalization, I realized that the last few were really just this "hiding" that I was doing and it wasn't helping me. I didn't know what to do.

It's so hard for me to admit all of this because I kept telling myself that I was sick and that this was all happening TO me and there was nothing I could do - right? But in reality, I knew that I didn't want to try and I didn't want to get out of my hole, I just wanted to wallow in it a little longer.

I didn't know it when it was happening, or at least I didn't consciously face it. I finally realized that talking about it over and over and over again was only going to continue to make me miserable. Please don't get me wrong - it is a process that you must go through, but for ME I knew that I was reliving the process over and over again and I really didn't need to do that.

I finally got tired of being hospitalized. I decided that these horrible things happened to me and that they had a significant impact on my life, my personality, and where I was in my own head. But then I also realized that the only way that was going to change was if I did something. I wished and wished that a therapist would make it go away but it wasn't going to happen.

It took a longggg time with alot of backslides, but I finally got to the point where I wasn't "living" my illness anymore. It was part of me and would always be, but it was no longer going to take over my every waking hour.

I still go to therapy once a month for a "tune up". I will probably always have a propensity for falling into a depression and have trouble digging out. I complained recently to my T "is it ever going to end, is it always going to be like this?". She said "you know how it is for you. you go into these periods where you can't get out of your depression and fall into a little bit of self-pity, but then you move on and things get better again".

It was so hard for me to hear that because I really hate the words "self-pity", but she was right. I have been in this mode since february and am finally starting to come out of it again.

Will it happen again? Probably, but at least I know what it is and it is not all of me, just part of me.

I hope no one is offended by any of this. I've never openly admitted any of this and it's hard for me to do so, but I think I need to so that it's not such a powerful thought in my brain.

Tranquility

(((((((((((sister))))))))))))

Dont give up. You are doing great work!!! You have almost climbed your mountain.

((((((((((sister)))))))))))

I struggle with the exact same thing. Knowing whether or not dragging it all up is the right thing to do!! It's been 2 years now and I'm still cleaning out the wound - so to speak-. It's slowly becoming easier to speak about it all, but it is a long and slow process. Hopefully, will all be the best in the end.

Thanks Petunia, Tranquility, Esther & Kinder,
I have noticed that the day after therapy I just crash under the weight of sorrow. Last night I slept for almost 11 hours (unheard of for me). Today I feel better and ready to tackle my heartache once again. Thank you all for your feedback and support.

Petunia said:
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It's like having a severely infected wound.

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That is exactly what my T said when I first started seeing him. Thanks for the reminder.

Tranquility said:
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But then I also realized that the only way that was going to change was if I did something.

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Tranquility, maybe it was at that moment that you were able to take back your power. And if you had not done all of the hard work (and hospitalizations) you may not have arrived at that point. You don't need to apologize for saying what you said. I don't believe we can just choose a moment to say, "okay I am healed." I think that a lot of work through life experience leads up to the moment where we know we are healing. And, yes I believe it's a lifelong process. Thank you so much for your feedback.

Esther said:

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You have almost climbed your mountain.

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Oh Esther, what a mental image I conjured up when I first read this last night. Me, climbing up a gravely mountain with fingers grasping and sliding back down, only to catch myself at the last minute! I use the montain image when i meditate. Yes, it's so helpful. Today, the image is kinder and I'm on a mountain path with grass and flowers!
Thanks.

Kindergirl said:
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Hopefully, will all be the best in the end

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Kinder, we have to believe that, eh? I am rewned of spirit today, thanks to all of you....

Peace, Love

Tranquility, I so like your description of recovery. Yes I too see that I sit in my own self pity, see how I,ve run away from my problems either through hospital or other means.

Only today I was sitting rather low and realised that its only me that can pick myself up to do something, but I also see how though I can see that now, I still don't have the inner strenght to pick myself up completely.

I know that its only through therapy that I've got this far, and often feel guilty for keep going over and over the same old story in T.

When I saw today that its me that needed to get up and do something other then just sit in down in the dumps, I was almost shocked. It was a new awareness.

As you say, I dont think we ever have it all taken away from us, our pasts that is, but we learn to help oureslfs better. We gain a new compartment in our minds that was never there before. Like growing new arms.

((sister))

Sister,

I had to reply. My world seemed to be alot like yours in the fact that I accepted what everyone else told me about my childhood because I didnt remember.

Now I know it was too painful for a child to want to remember. And like you I am now having to wade through everything all over again to be able to heal.

It makes me mad. Mad at my mother, who still maintains that everything is perfect. Mad at her because now I have to go through everything all over again.

It hurts, it sucks, but it is helping. I am letting go little by little and not hurting so much as time goes on. I hope this is what happens for you also.

Thanks Mouse ((((Hugs))))

I'm glad that you are making progression as well. It's tough but the results are so wonderful!

Tranquility

(((whoknows)))

Thanks for your response. I'm not yet at the point where it doens't hurt quite as bad, but I hope to get there eventually......soon?

I am so angry at my mother right now. I would like to know what she was thinking or better yet, why she wasn't thinking. But, unfortunately, I am cognizant of the fact that her childhood was awful so.........I wish I couldn't see that, it would be easier to hold onto my anger.

In my case, my mother is no longer alive but I have siblings who have her on a pedestal of sainthood that just astounds me, the older we get. Don't they realize by now?

Hmmmmm. What's up with that?

Anyway, thanks for responding.

(((((((((sister))))))))))

Trudging onward can be so difficult sometimes. And sometimes we get stuck at a certain point for awhile and wonder what's the use? I guess it's because there is some lesson there that we have to learn and until we learn it, we can't move forward again.

I understand what you are saying about your siblings thinking your mom was a saint, and yet you feel so differently towards her. It took me a long time to understand things like that in my family too. What I finally learned was that each of us has a completely different relationship with a parent. What one sibling goes through is totally different than another. We are different people, we see things differently. Try not to think of it as you against them when it comes to your mom. It's just different, that's all, and each of you has a right to feel and think whatever it is you do. Don't get me wrong, I do understand how maddening it can be.

I hope you will get to a point of feeling better soon. Keep trudging along, sooner or later you have to hit even ground

Hugsssssss
Jean