is this still rape?

My fiance is an alcoholic and he has said some stupid and some funny things because of it. The latest being alarming. Yesterday he was pushing me hard to have sex and I kept saying no. He then said he was going to rape me if I didn't sleep with him. I don't think he would actually do it, but I gave in shortly after. He then had me give him oral, which I didn't really want to do. When I told my friend about it she said it was still rape. Is she right? Was I raped? He didn't hurt me.

I would recommend getting away from that person.

Plenty of people would argue for or against that situation being classified as rape. So please don't depend on the opinions of others when it comes to what to call this situation. It could distract you or cause you to doubt your own feelings, which is no good.

I think it's more important to focus on the facts that

- He threatened to rape you
- He didn't care about how you felt at all about anything

Those are not signs of someone who loves you. Doesn't make a difference that he is drunk.

Like seriously all that matters is that this guy does not really care about you or how you feel or your boundaries, which means he absolutely has the mentality to be a serious abuser.

Your friend is correct. You were threatened with physical violence and coerced into sex. Coercion isn't consent. No one has to physically force you or hurt you to rape you.

"In a relationship where sexual coercion is occurring, there is a lack of consent, and the coercive partner doesn’t respect the boundaries or wishes of the other." From an article on coercion: What is Sexual Coercion? ? www.loveisrespect.org

I don't even know what to say. The other posters before me have put it very well.
Please get away from him!

I cannot say it any better if I try. In cases like this - what is and is not rape often come down to how it leaves you emotionally feeling - which can be confused when talking to too many people to get advice about it. That said - whether or not it is rape, this person definately has all the attributes assigned to an abuser and you should rethink your relationship status with him and decide what will allow you to be safest. All the best to you... *hugs*

This is not a good guy.

This is not a safe guy.

Please get away from him.

You deserve better.

Yes. You gave in out of manipulation, not by choice.
Unless you were gung ho with it, it's considered rape.

As stated above, our opinions and views on the matter should not affect what YOU feel happened. He coerced you into having sex, which is in no fashion consent, especially if he threatened you. We can't make you do anything, only tell you how we see it. It's not easy getting away from someone like this--I know, but you deserve far better and to live a happier life beyond abuse. Try to get help if you feel you need it. Do it for you and put your best foot forward. I wish you the best of luck, sweetie.

I feel stuck in this relationship. The other day he was performing and I wanted him to get off of me and it took me 10 minutes to get him off of me. He keeps joking about how he's going to have to rape me but I don't find it very funny. When he was in me I kept trying to push him off and I remembered how much stronger than I am. He said he was going to teach me how fight so I can fight females for him. He's controlling me an I don't know why I let it happen again and again. He has only hit me in the arm to get my attention and that hurt and he wasn't even trying to hurt me. What would happen if he did?he can be mean and intimidating

I would get away from him asap. He sounds like a nasty piece of work.

Anything you do against your desires like that is wrong.
While it may not be a rape or physical abuse, you are being emotionally abused.
Get as far away fro that as possible. You deserve better for yourself.

Are you two living together? Can you move out? Get people to support you? I am afraid this is going to be hard. But please do it for own own good

Ok - I have been in many many abusive relationships. If you are bouncing from one abusive or controlling relationship to the next, you may have a co-dependant personality or something similar.

The truth of the matter as far as being trapped - and I know this sucks to hear, I hated hearing it - you are only as trapped as you allow yourself to believe you are. He only has as much control over you as you give him. Fear is a great way people usurp control of other people - but the truth is, you have the choice of what you fear or don't too and what you allow yourself to show fear of.

I know all that sounds crazy - but a person truly has control of their own emotions, fear is an emotion. You control your emotions through choices. Choices on how you choose to view a situation and how you choose to act on that situation. Those choices - in turn cause a reaction to occur inside you which is an emotion.

He will try to cause you to view a situation in only the way he wants you to view it and to act on it in only the way he wants you to act - which will emit the emotion of fear or dread or sadness or some other negative emotion while he is in the "violent stage" of abuse, and happiness, laughter, peace, calmness, or some otger positive emotion while he is in the "honeymoon stage" of abuse - you will notice a controlled blend of the two while in the "warm up stage" of abuse.

The point is - the only time YOU are not in control of your own happiness is when you give up that control to someone else. When you do that, you aren't being fair to you. Why? Because you deserve happiness and only you can find your own way to happiness, nobody else can do it for you. He is abusing you. I am not saying you allowed him to do so - but, you allowed him to take control of your happiness. How? By believing his lies.

Abusers will isolate you and convince you that you have nowhere to go, nobody will help you, no way to get out, they will hurt your kids or animals if you do, etc. They will make sure you have little to no money, no access to a vehicle, etc.

They are good at getting inside your mind - but, you always have a choice: do I fight, or do I give up my rights? Once you choose to believe his lies, you give him control of your happiness - effectively giving up your emotional rights.

Now, you are down to your physical rights - are you ready to give those up too, or are you ready to start fighting again?

If you want to start fighting again - the first thing is to get away from him

Develop an exit plan on how you can safely get out - and then gather some items n clothing that you can easily hide til you are ready to go - grab quick n leave when it is time. Once you are safely away from him - start working on thinking for yourself again, not how anyone else says. Be your own person.

It is not okay for anyone to do the things he is doing to you, but it is up to you to make the choices to cause the change to take place in your life. *hugs*

I am sorry for the situation you are in. I agree with the others that getting away from that person is in your best interest. That said, I just don't understand rape or abusive people. If the person I am with is not interested or excited to be with me then its pointless because I couldn't rise to the occasion anyway.
Just