[hereiam]

I don't know where to put this exactly, so any mods can move it if they wish, but I have absolutely got to get this off my chest.

I am so angry right now, reminising on my childhood. I was watching Silence of the Lambs today, and one question Hannibal asks Clarece is what is the worst memory of her childhood. I thought for second, wondering what my worst memory was, and I realized every bad memory had to do with my dad. Then I started thinking about all the horrible things my dad has done. Like, why, if your wife made a mistake, would you rag on her mercilessly for an hour until you make her finally break down in tears and cry? Why would you do that? What kind of person does that to any other kind of person? Why would you lose your temper and chase your small child around the house until you caught her, threw her over your shoulder and brought her upstairs for her 'deserved punishment'? What the hell is wrong with you? Do you think you can really justify wailing on a 17 year old daughter who called you ONE swear word, once? Oh, yea, she 'disrespected you' GOD FORBID she hate you for what you truly are. I can't believe you think you deserve anything, any respect. I hate you so much that you don't even know, and yet I love you too much to let you know. How come on our nice little family vacation you insisted upon being such a **** and and then, for some reason, wake us all up in the middle of the night becuase you were beating the %#@&#! out of the bed? How come I had to scream at you to stop? Why couldnt you have ANY SELF CONTROL? Then, to add salt to the wound, you had to go outside and make mom go with you, just so you could yell and wake everyone else in the campground up in the middle of the freaking night. Yelling, screaming, making sure the vacation was ruined. How come I never got the chance to just come home and relax, instead of worrying when you got home, what kind of mood you'd be in, and if you would take it out on me? How come everytime I started to trust you again, to think you had truly changed...you proved me wrong every single time? Do you think maybe, one day, I can have a conversation with you where you don't make me feel like crap by letting me know I could more things, better things, harder things, perfectly? I'm going to a top notch university, im making great grades, i ask you for nothing. god i have to wonder why you couldnt just be normal.

and you, mom, why couldnt you divorce him? you left him once, why couldnt you follow through? i want to hate you for it but lord knows i love you way too much. ill always remember the look on your face when i, swung over his shoulder, begged you to help me and you stood there looking just as helpless as I was. you, my poor sweet mother, just another victim of his rage and carelessness.

im sorry, guys. i just don't know how to keep hating him and loving him at the same time. he's not a bad person, but he is. he doesnt mean to get so angry, but he does. i want him to know what he's done to me, how he's affected me in my now young adult life. control was all he ever wanted, and apparently, it's what he's got because ive recently realized how much he controls my everyday life even though he is now hundreds of miles away.

god, i hate you so much.

i love you.

[SleepsWithButterFlies]

I am sorry he was like that mom too...sounds like they both had emotional illness...If I had had a kid I was in a bad marriage and all and I bet I too would have been to weak to fight him...so you maybe love the persons but hate the behavior? HUGS

[jennie]

no one deserves abuse ((((((((((((hereiam))))))))))))))) your father doesn't deserve your love

[jmo531]

Hereiam,

I struggle with the same emotions that you do towards my father. I still do not understand why I cant hate him wit every ounce of my being and love him at the same time. I am told it is "typical". Although I cant understand it.

I think that your venting here is a good first step. I can feel the anger and hurt in your post and you shouldnt keep that bottled up. I know its difficult to feel all these different emotions and be overwhelmed by it all. I feel for you.

Please PM me if you need. Anytime.


Huggles,


jen

[hereiam]

it's like this...

as much as i hate him, i have to love him. because he provided for us (as he reminded us constantly...) and gave us things (wouldnt let us forget that either). i mean he was a good person, too. i wouldnt say he was abusive or an abuser or anything...i mean, there are people who really DO get hit and things like that. but i think he lost control way too much, too often, and kept us all in a constant fear (and still does) and i cant stand that about him. hell, i don't know. maybe he was an abusive %#@&#!. if he wasn't to me, then i know for sure he was to my mom. telling her what she was feeling, yelling at her, asking her what was wrong with her why is she so unhappy (uh, duh!? look who shes got to deal with!) and, when she did something wrong, asking what kind of idiot would make that mistake. you know - the fun things!

thanks for all your kind responses. i just wanted to get that out, i dont even know why.

[LMo]

[Azalysa]

{{{{Hereiam}}}}

I deal with very similar issues with my father. I am an only child and instead of being "Daddy's Little Girl" I was totally ignored. Period. I has an honor student and active in sports - he never came to anything I was involved with. I was basically "invisible" to him.

On the other hand, he was extremely verbally *and* physically abusive to my mother, to the point of almost killing her one time. (He was also a raging alcoholic.) This was back in the '50's when divorce was considered a disgrace and there were no women's shelters. My mother had no place to go and provided the most stable life for me she could under the awful circumstances.

Much like you've expressed, I felt like even after my mother *did* divorce my father when I was 17 and he was out of the house, that the repercussions from living in his household with the violence still affected me...and did for a long, long time.

The good news is, I have finally achieved peace where he is concerned. My mother has been remarried for 30 years to a wonderful man who I consider more my "father" than my "bio dad." My father and I are not adversarial but the only communication I have with him are exchanging Christmas cards and I still send Father's Day cards (which has always been a challenge to find a card that *doesn't* say nice things which for me would be lying!)

I also went through a LOT of therapy and "inner child" work to resolve many of the issues which I highly recommend.

I'm sorry any child has to live in this type of hell. I'm sorry for the scars we carry. Looking back, I now view my father as very likely mentally ill but did not seek help and self-medicated with alcohol and probably lived in his own private hell.

Ok, rambling a bit but wanted to let you know I care, I can relate...and offer a bit of encouragement.

[bipolar_bear]

I am sorry you went through this. No one deserves that neither you nor your mother. I am sure it is confusing when the parent feels helpless to interject. It sounds like you are struggling with your relationship with both of them and I hope you come to terms with it. Take care and remember you were a victim here. Take care and be kind to yourself.

(((((((((((hereiam)))))))))))

My love goes out to you! I'm sorry you are hurting!

[hillbunnyb]

Dear hereiam, Yeh. I can relate. When my father was dying and I was on the Greyhound riding to say goodbye, I was desperate to think of something he'd done right. I couldn't imagine facing him without something beside loathing on top of my broken heart. I needed somethng to hang my daughter love onto, in the real world. I needed a concrete reason to allow myself to feel any love for him.

It was a dark and stormy night. Rain beat the windows of the bus in sheets. Two lane country road, no street lights. Oncoming headlights and lightening lit dark and looming trees, lining the road. I wouldn't have been suprised to see Ichabod Crane fly across the road. Perfect setting to highlight the stuggle I was experiencing inside myself.

About half way through the 24 hour ride, I Got It !! He taught me first aid, on winter nights, in front of the fireplace. Ahh Haa, I had my good memory, I could face him now.

At the hospital, when I was in his room with my Mom, we watched Hee Haw and football. None of us ever could have a civil conversation..... as Mom and I were leaving to take a break, My father made a sign language sign to me, which I knew I knew, but couldn't put my finger on a the moment.... After Mom and I got back to her house and chilled for a while, it hit me, he had said, "I love you" for the first time in my life.

Good luck finding your way to coping with your feelings. This is a wonderful place to find support for the struggle.

[kimmydawn]

(((((((((((((((((((hereiam)))))))))))))))))))))

[hereiam]

thanks, you guys. he went by ambulance last night to the emergency room and had to get surgery that was previously scheduled for this morning. i was probably just thinking about that last night, and what would happen if he didnt make it through and how id feel, what id reminise on... makes me sound crazy, eh? heh.

thank you for all your kinds words and the sharing of your stories. i completely understand that this isn't nearly as bad as what people who are truly abused go through, i hope you all don't think im trying to compare or anything. good luck to all of you now and in the future.

[Azalysa]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
i completely understand that this isn't nearly as bad as what people who are truly abused go through, i hope you all don't think im trying to compare or anything.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Ohhhh, nooooo....I hope my story didn't make you feel like that! As I learned when I worked in Hospice, there's no way to "compare" one situation as being "better or worse" than another. The main thing is how it affected *you*.

I tend to be long-winded but my objective in my post was to try to lend a small bit of encouragement and understanding to what you went/are going through.

Please forgive me if it didn't come off quite right.

{{{{{hereiam}}}}}

[hereiam]

Azalysa - Noooo it wasn't anything like that! I completely appreciate your post and everything in it. I'm just saying that I know this isn't like, you know, people go through much worse is all I'm saying. I was just angry and wanted to get that out.

Hope all goes well for you.

[Azalysa]

Oh, good! Whew! Sometimes in a written medium things can get misconstrued.

I think writing is a wonderful way to get feelings out! Wishing the best for you as well.

[CJR520]

I say Let it Out and Let it Go!! I went through a lot of what you did and are still going through. Now you know it for what it is. Take care and be strong!!!

[hereiam]

thank you, everyone. thank you so very much!

[JAlmazan]

hereiam I understand you also, I felt the same way when I was a child, my father getting home soooo drunk and yelling and hitting things, it was horrible be in bed scared of what he could do. That feelings are nothing we can express easily, they are burning inside of us, but some day they will go to let pass better feelings. Now I sometime think if I should talk to my father or help him, but I believe he choose that life and what could I do to change it. I don't even knowif I love him, I think I just ignore him and don't feel nothing for him, just pitty.
I am so sorry to read your pain, but at the same time happy that you are getting it out of yourself.
I give you all my support and think on you.
Love find you in the better way it could and be sure you will get thru.
Love
Jose

[girlnextdoor]

wow. i am so sorry
*hugs*
i would hate your dad & mom too if i were you

[drummergrl]

If he only knew, that bastard, how he made me feel all those years ago.........would he, could he, should he be sorry? I think not. He never told my mother the truth. Even on his death bed. He took the truth to the grave with him.
Is he in HEAVEN now............I hope he's burning in HELL!!
For the better part of my late teens to my mid 20's, I never slept in peace. I cat napped most nights. Always feeling like someone else was in that room with me. I had to pretend to be asleep. My mind tells me he tried to awake me by stroking my head and repeatedly saying " hey red, want to do something"???? Was I dreaming? Could my mind have played tricks on me? When my mom told me he would disappear from their room for 2 hours at a time...
WHERE WAS HE???? I shun to think of it now.....I have to be sure I didn't cause him to do that to me.....but why? I never understood that before. For years all I thought about was "killing" him.....so violently that it scared me. I could be very violent at times for the right reasons. He was a Marine
back then, a Vietnam Vet. He's no hero in my book!
It is said that "God" never gives us more than we can handle???? WHERE'S THIS LOVING GOD WHEN YOU NEED HIM???? I was a young girl....the last of the true VIRGINS........but virginity is a crime, not a virtue. Now all I feel is a deepened loss for who I was.....I don't even know if I know who I am now. Such a tragic eventful life for some of us...........WHY????