Why do I resent my mother?

Is it okay to feel resentful that my mother didn't protect me? I know she was a victim too, so why do I feel all these negative things about my mother?

I don't blame her for what others did ... well, I'm wondering, maybe there's a part of me that does idk. I don't see two of the perpertrators in my family but I still see my father. It's like I expect less from him and therefore cut him more slack. I figured out my father's awful behaviour when I was little and he is a changed man now - no longer violent - so anything he does is better than it was.

With my mother it's different. She was neglectful but I didn't see it until recently. Also, I thought thibgs would change when she left my father, but they haven't. So now I'm stuck on all her failings as a parent and I feel overwhelmed by resentment for her. Her current behaviours remain difficult to deal with and I feel like I do not trust her, not the slightest bit.

Is it okay to feel this way? I don't want to blame her for others abusive behaviour, but I feel hurt about her neglect, emotional distance and complicity in providing a dysfunctional and chaotic environment.

Can anyone relate?

Yes, it's okay to feel this way ... And while you don't blame her for what she did (and didn't do), I certainly blame my father for knowing how badly I was being abused by my mother and older siblings and CHOOSING TO NOT take action on my behalf!

It doesn't matter if the other parent is being abused too or not ... As the other responsible (or even irresponsible) adult in a child's life, it's their job to get themselves and their children out of those living hell's ... They certainly know right from wrong and there's no excuse for NOT PROTECTING ONES CHILDREN!

If they choose to not do this, then to me they are JUST AS GUILTY as the abuser because basically they are sacrificing the physical, emotional and spiritual well-being of their children on the altar of the abuser's depravity.

That's how Pfrog sees it, and I ain't cuttin' nobody no slack for failing me! ... An innocent vulnerable child that couldn't protect or defend herself!

As an experiment for this moment, think solely of the present.

To what extent is your mother consistently kind to and supportive of you, her daughter, in the present?

---versus---

To what extent does she criticize and undermine you in the present?

I don't know your age, but it seems like you are mentally processing your childhood and analyzing different things that happened. I think this is a normal part of healing. In my case I went thru treatment and therapy 25 years ago and since then I have come to terms with most things. I had issues with both parents and I decided one day to let the past go. (This does NOT mean I "erased" the abuse done to me. I decided that I wanted to live without the bad feelings.) They (parents) were still the same as ever, but what changed was me inside. I didn't tell them, didn't care what they thought or said or did. This was a very long process but once I decided not to let the past rule my present I felt like a burden was lifted.

I think you are making great progress. Keep it up!

She is not kind or supportive to me. She does not have respect for me or my boundaries and she continues to treat me poorly and without affection.

And so you have very strong grounds, very strong justification, for resenting her just on the basis of the present, regardless of what she may have done or not done did in the past.

Yes.

With regard to coming to some sort of understanding with her about her role in the past: It will be very difficult to come to some sort of mutual understanding with her about the facts of the past, and it will be very difficult to examine with her your feelings and resentments about the past, when she is hostile in the present, when in the present she gives you no reason to trust her or even to like her.

(((((ThingWithFeathers)))))

I feel bad for feeling this way. Like I'm not allowed to hold those negative feelings toward her. I couldn't say I hate her, but there's a hidden anger inside me. Mostly though, I feel hurt and disappointed by the lack of care and protection. The lack of trust I have in her is a big factor in the way I feel too. How can you trust someone who has let you down so many times, on so many levels?

You are not bad for feeling how you feel. You didn't choose it. It would help to accept your mother the way she is and realize your relationship will probably never change. Then you can start to heal. The pain might never go away, but you can have a better future in spite of it.

Yeah. In my own experience over many years there was crushing guilt if I believed anything negative about my alcoholic, narcissistic mother. It took those many years to be able to look at her more or less objectively without that guilt.

You can't. For your own safety, you may just have to not to trust her--and accept that you'll feel guilty about not trusting her--rather than assuage those feelings of guilt by trusting her and thereby risk/expect further hurtful behavior on her part.

You stated above that she treats you poorly and without affection. In the last five years, for example, when were there times (if ever) that she was kind and affectionate to you, consistently, for (say) two months' time? One month's time?



(((((ThingWithFeathers)))))

Oh, she has never been consistently kind for a period of a month. And she has never been affectionate full stop! Not in five years, not in childhood years.

You and Iris have it right. I need to learn to accept what I have. Where that leaves me and my mother I don't know. But, I will continue to try to work it out, even if that means cutting ties.

It's unfortunate, but there are a lot of people out there that simply do not understand how to be a good parent. They expect their children to love them and obey them without realizing a child becomes a mirror and tends to learn so many how to's from the parent.

Sometimes a parent self protects unknowingly because they were hurt themselves and are deeply afraid to attach and love for fear of being hurt. Some parents have no idea about child development, that they need to consider a child as a kind of computer that depends on the parent to put in the information and life experiences that the child can build on, in a way it's like a library, creating a library, but a complex library with words, actions, sense of safety, love and complex emotions that a child is helped to understand.

What your mother gave/gives to you is "what she knows". If you spend a lot of time with remembering things that she failed to do for you, it's important that you also think about how she failed because she did not "learn". Be "angry" at the right things, be angry not just that you were not protected well enough, but that your mother did not know how to protect you well enough, because a lot of parents do fail that way.

When a mother never learns how to protect her own boundaries but somehow is herself raised in a home where she sees boundaries disrespected, this becomes "what she knows". When a mother grows up in a home where no one spent time with her, loved her, showed they cared and genuinely wanted her to be happy and feel safe, then she will not know what that means, not in her subconscious library.

It is very important that you understand that "you" always deserved to be "loved" and protected and have parents that helped you understand "boundaries". That the things you did not get are not because you were hated, or undeserving in anyway or that the goal was to abuse you. Instead, whatever is missing is something your parents did not know how to give you and that happens a lot. That even happens in homes where the parents are professionals, some of the worst offenders that make terrible parents are teachers and psychologists too. Often these individuals look AT YOU and not INTO YOU and REALLY LISTEN and think about how they can help you develope YOUR OWN self esteem as a human being. Instead it's about grading and judging and labeling and expecting.

I think it's even worse now because of how so many parents have a child then simply have strangers raise their child and their children are handed over to day care. When I went to parent teacher meetings the teachers would say to me that I did not have to be there because my child was doing well and not a problem. I was surprised at that because I was not there for that, and I told them I wanted to know who they were so when my daughter talks about them in any way I know who this person is that is spending time with her. I also want to make sure a teacher meets my approval and KNOWS I am paying attention to how they behave towards my child. Truth is, some teachers are jerks, something I experienced myself when I went to school. I saw teachers that BULLIED students.

You do not have to "love" your mother, love is something EARNED. However, it is important that you also understand "what your mother did not know". Often mothers fail because they themselves have "low self esteem".

I can always tell when a person did not have good parenting or a good relationship with their mother. They always have a hard time talking about the things that hurt them or the things in their life that challenged them that they did not know what to do about.

I really relate to the feelings you have with your mom. Right now I am struggling with having to help mine. She is 86 yrs. old and requires help from us daughters for her daily needs. My sisters are much older than I am (10yrs) and did not experience the neglect of my mom.

I was 10 when my brother died and it was at this point that I lost my mom as well. She couldn't care for me anymore and I was basically raised from there on by my oldest sister. On one hand, I could imagine the pain and grief she was going through and I don't know how I would be if I lost one of my children, but on the other hand---I would want to be there for my kids through this-not disappear on them. I have alot of resentment towards my mom. And she is very needy now. I also had sexual abuse that she turned her head on.

So now, having to help her live and doing her basic needs are really hard for me. My sisters don't understand me. They think I need to get over it. They did not live the same childhood that I did.

I feel so guilty for not wanting to help her but there is so much involved in it.
I need to forgive I guess. But how does one do that? I am in therapy but it's not helping with the forgiveness.

My mom's need are great right now and she needs us to help her live.
It''s a really tricky scenario.

Thanks for bringing up this conversation. I've never put this into words before. Maybe this can help me. This is my first time being in an "abuse" forum and it is just now (52) years old that I am even acknowleding that I was abused. i've been working with a therapist for the past 1 1/2 yrs on this.
Regardless of my feelings, I still need to tend to her each day-which is hard.
I so badly want to feel good about helping her yet can't seem to find it in my heart.

(((lindamine)))

If your mother suffered a loss of a child (your brother), it most likely traumatized her so deeply that she disconnected from allowing herself to love again. I know it would seem like she would be strong and love a child that is still living, but, it doesn't always happen that way with such a dramatic loss, and it's often a very deep subconscious injury where a parent can distance to avoid being hurt again "subconsciously".

You deserved to have her be strong and make it a point to give you the love "you" needed as a child. I am sorry that you had to experience that. Forgiveness is a challenge, forgiveness is not about not having "your pain and loss", instead it's more about sitting with the reality of how your mother was probably too traumatized and afraid to give love again and it's can be a fear on such a deep subconscious level that a person doesn't realize the "neglect" the way they should. However, often a parent can suffer a kind of survivor's guilt too.

I did not lose a child myself, but I did lose some ponies that were so badly damaged from my neighbor's dog. I loved these ponies like they were my children and I was so traumatized that I developed PTSD. I began distancing from my other ponies more and more, also felt incredible guilt, and also a deep fear that I had never felt before, and I disassociated A LOT, and often still do. If I had lost an actual child? I may have distanced in the strange deep way I distanced from my other ponies maybe even more intensely. I still love my other ponies, but in a very disconnected strange way and that I have come to understand is a very deep "fear/guilt" and the distancing is not really on a conscious level, it is just that when I reach out, I feel the pain of the loss I suffered and I subconsciously try to "avoid" that.

I don't think it was so much that your mother did not love you, but more of you being a child brought a deep, I mean deep, pain that she was trying to "avoid" because of the loss of your brother. The "avoidance" is very strong that can happen after a major trauma. It's even stronger then how you want to avoid her because of her neglect towards you and you know you are not going to "just get over it" as your older siblings keep telling you to do.

I can understand how hard it must be that you are taking care of her so much with "your" pain as you are being reminded of that as you do take care of her. You are taking care of a woman that never really recovered from experiencing the loss of a child. A lot of couples that lose a child divorce because they don't even want a spouse around as even that is a reminder. There is also deep anger in the mix too. A parent never really recovers from the loss of a child, it's probably the highest on the list of major "trauma".

thank you open eyes for the response.
My trouble is that I know things logically, but then
there is the emotional side of me that struggles.

I can understand what may have happened to her,
but I still went through what I did. And I still feel what I feel.

You are right, I know my mother loves me--she just coped
as best she could at the time.

But I also have another abuse situation that I know she knew about.
I know this because of specific actions she took after it.
It is never talked about-never has been.

I am 52 years old---why do I still lament on being a 5 yr. old?
It's ridiculous.

It's probably because of you're being triggered as you are now her caregiver. That five year old will always be a part of you. You have a loss to work through.

I completely understand your point of view and I share it. My father abused me, and my mother refused to believe he abused me, while neglecting me. I hated her more than him for a long time until I got a lot of therapy. Then I just disliked them equally and let go of the hate.