If you do post to this... pls know my DX is DID.. so "I" may not feel as you do...that there are alters that "house" different feelings...

I am seeking >>>> understanding <<<<<<<

****************************************************************
And doesn't that make you angry? the question my pdoc asks me every 4-6 weeks.. for about 4- 5 years.. and I say "no".. why would I be angry?

I feel enormous shame.. a sense of "unrealness"....
an enormous amount of self awareness - looking for years and years at my body.. trying to "figure" out what was wrong with it.. that it caused men to do "this"... my Dad, and the peodphile... and finally my husband who raped me..

This teacher.. who abused me during "study hour"... then the "blackboard" was "wiped clean"... and "nothing" happened for the rest of the day..

I mean.. as an adult,, I still can't understand... I say that sometimes... I "just" don't understand out of the blue- those words come out of my mouth..

How do you as an adult .. "have sex" with a child.. in the middle of the day.. then the very next hour.. get up.. in front of a group of children.. and teach a class - lead a band..cheerful.. full of energy.. happy..

Does No One.. understand what I am trying to say??

I mean.. the "unrealness" of the "realness"..

Shouldn't there have been an "indication" - like maybe.. Oh.. a big neon sign.. saying "I just violated a child"
or something subdued.. like.. maybe his hair messed up.. or his tie crooked.. or.. maybe.. a missing belt.. SOMETHING..

To this day.. I remember exactly what he looked like.. wore exactly the same "outfit" every day.. maybe it would have helped.. if there was some differentness... but it was the same.. day after day.. Does anyone understand this???

White Shirt, Black Dress Trousers, Black Socks, Black shiny shoes - tied, Black narrow tie, Gold tie tack, Slicked back hair, comb in his back pocket.. breath mints in his front pocket.. bad breath.. covered up with mint.. large key ring clipped to his belt..


Does no one "understand" - what "this" did to ME? the person that had to straighten out clothing.. clean myself up.. worry about the physical pain - I mean.. thoughts like "it hurts"... "what just happened, what was that?" when I sat thru science class.. when I sat thru math class..sometimes.. "in shock"...
Getting on a bus of kids.. noisy.. pushing shoving.. after just having had sex with my teacher.. "in shock" once more.. the noise level a further assault to me..

7th grade.. pretty much mute... traumatized..... then further traumatized because teachers would first comment about my muteness in class.. then later at parent /teacher conferences.. my Mom.. begging me to just talk.. because she did not want to deal with the teachers.. just please say something.. I don't want another "call" she would say.. "I don't want to deal with this" - her very silent message to me..

Well...I still feel.. the enormous burden of shame.. the "ICK" factor.. the "ewieeeeeeeee" factor.. the "put on the right face" factor...the "fear" factor...the part of me that say "owie, owie,owie... cause sex hurt"..being scared.. does "that" make you die? when "will this burning, ripping feeling go away?".. "I can't sit down.. it hurts too much".....all those factors and more...

And the "unrealness" of the "realness"... THAT.. is what is bothering me the most.. that nobody says.. gezzzzzzzzzzz.. or thinks about the mechanics of the whole thing..

And that no one is OUTRAGED that this happened to ME..

Does no one care???? Is it still too taboo to talk about??
Why does no one say... I GET IT>>>>I GET IT

I understand... I understand that YOU.. lived in a world where.. you had to tell people.. I'M OK.. when you weren't OK...

I am tired.. and I needed to put these feelings somewhere..

I don't think I will understand..

Until... YOU tell me you understand...

"free will".....to select the people that now share my life.."



freewill

[InACorner]

(((((((((((freewill)))))))))))))

its like watching a movie that you understood because it was soo simple...but no one else got it...no one understood it...you sit there ...mouth hanging open....and you dont know what your missing....you go over your facts...you go over the plot line, the characters...and yet...it seems there is something missing....something thats not connecting...i GET that....but after awhile...whats real ..doesnt seem....real...its like you know it happened...but everyone acts like it didnt...acts like they dont even a thought about it...and yet here you are suffering the serious side effects...the consquences...and no one puts two and two together...even though you offer to put it together for them...

been there done that...trying to get people to understand where my bruises were coming from...my stepdad an RN ...perfect manner as always....church goer....and not to mention a hitter....but no one GOT it...i had the evidence...but no one could fathom what happened....even he acted as if nothing happened...and if i talked about it...i was to act like it was my fault..otherwise it would be my fault for that too...and i wonder...is it all in my head...even though the physical pain of being hugged reminded me...no its not a dream...it happened...

all i can say my dear freewill is keep fighting...keep understanding....keep believing..you can overcome this...and i believe you....i am here for you...i support you....what happened to you was horrible...and i am here to lend you my support anytime you would like it....good luck and all the gentle hugs i can give ...
love,
inny

Thank you... thank you.. and bless you..

Someone finally "gets it"....someone finally "understands"...
maybe.. just maybe.. there will be "some" peace...

[KarenG44]

I remember when I was young, I lifted my shirt to show the other kids my marked body, from neck to foot.
They reacted with horror and I was relieved!!!
"Oh, my gawd!" they said, "you should show the councelor" they said.....I did and nothing was ever spoken about it agian.
I'll never forget that councelor, first and last time I ever showed my injuries.
What a hero....not.

I was a mute student too.
When I got to High School a teacher pulled aside and asked e to spell the days and months of the year, I could not.
They passed me through, didn't want to waist time on me.
My Mother held my Brother over fire....burned him BAD....we were all suppose to just go to school, and LEARN? NOT.
The horror of watching a grown up hold a child over fire and watch them scream in the greatest of agony is something that still and I guess always will be inside me.
The scream I held in is still inside of me, maybe some day it will come out.
She was strong.....he faught and faught, but could not get out from the fire she held him over.
There are other things that happened, but, you get my gest.
Yup, "go to school" and then get beaten when I come home with straight F's because I can't escape from being in shock!

I get it Freewill.

Take care,
Karen
.

(((((((((((freewill, Inny, Karen))))))))))

[pachyderm]

I don't think mine was as bad as what you relate. Still, I understand.

[DePressMe]

Hi Freewill, I am sorry I don't have time to write you a real reply--I am heading off to therapy. But, I want you to know I read your post and yes I do understand.

After my uncle raped me, he sat in the living room like nothing happened. I sat on the couch and just stared into space. He had enough guts to ask what was wrong. What was wrong? What was wrong? How about the fact that you just raped me? How was I suppose to feel? Just pretend nothing happened? I was a child and he raped me...amazing.

Well, I need to run to therapy. Please, know I understand you.

[Pita]

((((Freewill)))))))

I understand, I understand. Mine always bought me very nice presents afterward and then everyone, absolutely everyone, thought I was an ungrateful, wretched child because I never accepted any of his gifts. I never told anyone why I turned down the gifts. Ah well. I understand.

To all... that answered my "cry" for >>>understanding<<<

I am overwhelmed.. by your extreme kindness... in giving me this "gift" of yourselves.. I just don't really have words that can express my graditude... I have spent, my lifetime.. for just one person IRL.. that "understands"... and you.. all have given me what I have searched for all these many years.. "understanding"

This gives me peace... finally peace.. Thank you..

I am at the same time.. feel very sad.. for each and every one of us.. that our "connection"... is this "understanding" - and the way.. in which each of us gained the knoweldge for this "understanding".

As a DID person... a "part" of me feels such compassion and love for all of us with this "understanding"..

Thank you.. you are all so brave to answer.. my plea for help....

I feel peace.. finally peace.. no more searching...

[wanttoheal]

I understand. And I often wonder looking back how no one could see what had to have been obvious if one just looked, really looked. I'm so sorry freewill. (((((((((((freewill)))))))))

[debbie_tabor]

(((((((freewill))))))

[SeptemberMorn]

Karen, your story resonates with mine; the silence, the straight Fs... and then made to feel that as a human being, I was a total waste. My mother gave me up to the rest of the family. Everyone looked down on me, not with pity, not with empathy, but with disgust. And who was at fault, truly? Everyone's GRANDMOTHER!

"You say anything and it will be worse!" as she thumped her Bible. "Keep your mouth shut! Girls don't cry! If you think this hurts, wait till you have a baby!" Then "Don't say anything! No one will believe you, anyway!" That last threat has stayed with me all my life. I don't even say I have an ingrown toenail because no one will believe me, including the doctor. I just keep my mouth shut... and suffer silently... like I always did.

I understand!

[Mouse_]

"I don't think I will understand..

Until... YOU tell me you understand..."



I remember sitting in T saying *I* feel like I need a higher power/person/adult to forgive me. I didn't feel like the part of me that experienced the violation was worth while enought to forgive.

Then one day this *I* poked her head out from behind the me *I* have become and asked me to forgive her. This *YOU* was the me the *I* is today.

She wanted me to know the unrealness, to help her become real.

[KarenG44]

Freewill......"PEACE" is such a beautiful thing to feel.....glad you're feeling it.

SeptMorn.....hi, ya, me too, disgust.
Us children were standing around my Mom at a young age and for some reason the stories of out birth were being told by Mom. When it got around tome, she stopped talking, and so, as to "get some too" I asked, oh boy I wished I hadnt.
She said, "you're a product of rape".
Ummmmm, I was way too young to even know what that meant, but, I knew it wasnt good.
So, my older siblings wanted nothing to do with the illness in the family, me.
I was really alone.
I was the disgusting child.
I lived my life in the "sorry" mode.
I even wanted to kill myself for them....give them that gift.
But, guess what!?
The dimmest of all stars has become the brightest shining!
Oh ya, it makes others mad....LOL!!!!!
I somehow believe in a pindulum.
The farther South it swings, the farther North it swings, it just is so.
"Watch this!" LOL!
There's an old saying, "don't throw your peals in front of swine".....something like that.
I'm a pearl,
hee hee...
I feel really lucky, I've had great Spiritual experiences that helped me STAND UP.
My greatest enemies have stregthened me to unbelievable levels.
The most beautiful of all flowers, the Lotus, grows out of the mud.
hee hee...
I learned to be somewhat of a warrioress.
I got a real sword and I cut those real chords of power others had tied to me.
I was hated.
Wished dead. this was not imagined.
A huge forum full of survivors........it's such an honor to be here!!!!

[SeptemberMorn]

Karen, on a better day... for me, anyway... I'd like to hear how you became that shining star.

Unfortunately, there always seems to be someone in my life that comes along and makes me flash back to those days and I feel worthless again. That's where I am now.

[KarenG44]

I have those days too.....
(((HUGS)))

[SeptemberMorn]

[DePressMe]

one thing that sticks with me is hearing a parent tell thier child not to play with me because I was dirty.

made me feel dirty on inside

My grandma passed away (unexpectedly) when I was 17 - she died in my arms... I felt that anything that was or was to be was over for me.. she was the only person to ever love me, remember my bday...and the traditions.. nothing would ever be done again.. my mom was incapable...

when it came time for senoirs to have their pictures taken.. I refused..

I thought.. truely... truely.. thought... that the pictures would show.. the uglyness that was inside of me.. like a reflection of what my dad and the teacher had done.. that it was going to somehow show up in those pictures..

I can remember the ordeal of having them taken... the terror of picking them up... and finally the relief that my secret was still safe..because the pictures just showed a girl with waist length red hair... me... not a monster...contorted with uglyness..

Though I can "understand" where other people may not "understand"... that at 17.. I believed that.. but I did...
and I will never forget.. that "ordeal"... the waiting for the pictures so sure.. that my secret would be "there" for all to know...

The "pictures" as an adult.. safely shredded.. to be thought of no more...

[DePressMe]

Freewill....you have had a difficult road to travel. You are a strong person for dealing with all of this and taking the risk to share it with us. I am grateful you have trusted us. I did talk about this in therapy for some time and it helped me make some progress--it helped me look at things from another angle and make the connection of how feeling "unreal," and having my feelings invalidated continues to affect me today. Your posts have helped me--I appreciate it. My trauma was real--it did happen--it can no longer be swept under the carpet--I will not ignore it--it is part of my reality.

You felt as if the pictures would reveal your "ugliness." You never were ugly and you are not ugly now. You were/are a precious child who was taken advantage of...However, I can relate to the feeling. I understand the "ugliness." I am grateful that I am sometimes feeling okay--that some of the ugliness is slipping away and being replaced with beauty and love. Yes, I still struggle, but I have hope that things will continue to get better and that some day, I will look in the mirror and see exactly who I am--not this lie I have been telling myself--I want to really, truly see me--just me.

May I say... "me too",,,, "me too"... someday... I want to look in the mirror...and just "see me"..

The legacy:

So, I think the question is will I go to the Pdoc this month for him to ask his question: "and does that make you angry?"

I wish that I could feel anger.. maybe it would relieve the pain.. that is as intense now as it was "back" then. The DX of DID, allows me to "feel" the pain.. now.. and as it was then...

No one "really" wants you to talk about it... not "really",,,, is ok to say you were sexually, physically abused... but who really wants to know.. what that "really" means... the category.. "sexually" abused so general - it could be well anything.. and that is what people are comfortable with - the vague... the foggie..

If I were to try and tell my best friends IRL... she would cover her ears... the pain for her.. too much to listen to.

If I were to try to tell my adult son.. he would stalk out of the house.. angry because someone treated his mom that way.

If I were to try and tell a minister or preacher.. well they so uncomforable.. they crawl out of their skin...

Absolutely,,, no one can bear to hear what happened in my 12 year marriage... my wonderful T... wincing at just the tinest of sharing of the abuse.. so I won't be telling him....

Aloneness... that is the legacy from the abuser.. I finally figured that out tonight.. I speak for me.. and only for me.. not for the others on this board...I wish to hurt no one.
The abusers in my life "gifted" me with complete aloneness IRL...

The T's, say over and over.. is fixable... is fixable... but is it fixable? Each person is different... each person's background is different.. each person's capicity for healing is different..I've heard "fixable" for 23 years...

But is mine? the pain is unbearable...

[KarenG44]

Free Will.....I had a "Ma"like that too.
I loved her sooooo much and when she looked at me, there was this tweenkle in her eye! She was magic.
Joy, ....... she cooked, and in her foods she would place gem stones full of love and watch and wait for people to take notice of the "extra ingredients" *

How lovely.
She had chickens and loved them.
She's place a baby chick in my hands and I was sqeelingly (is that a word?) happy.
I look like her.
I have chickens.....LOVE them dearly.

She died when I was about 8? I remember so little....but the morning I came down from my bedroom to go to school, my Mom was crying, and I asked "what's wrong?".
She said, "Ma died, go to school!".
I did, blank faced, walked the 10 blocks to school.
I was in homeroom and it hit me like a ton of brincks and in front of everyone I screamed in horror and cried.
The teacher took me to the bathroom, asked me what was wrong, I told her and then I remember nothing.......
there are so many blanks in my childhood.........only trauma really wakes me up to see myself getting older.

My Ma's love lives within me, I still can see the sparkle of love in her eye.
I feel her in the winds.
Our love will never die.....I feed it, by cooking and placing little gems of love inmy meals, watchig people eat them and seeing if they taste it! LOL.

Glad you had a Grandma like you did.
Very special Love there!

[SeptemberMorn]

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Freewill}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} If you don't tell your T, how is he going to "fix" it? It's okay if he winces in empathy for you. That's what he's there for. Him showing you his pain for you is a way to validate your feelings, believe me.

Next time he asks you if "that makes you angry," sit with the feeling of what you are talking about. What would you feel if you were witness to the same thing happening to your son or any child? What would you do?

My anger is what saved me. It was my motivator for many, many things, not just overcoming what happened to me.

[SeptemberMorn]

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Freewill}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

How are you doing, Sweety? Hope things are getting easier for you.

Love you!