Why?

*****, *****, ****, mooch, loser, trash, garbage, thief, low life, nastiest ***** i have ever known, ignorant ****ing *****, mother ****er, stupid ****ing ****, ignorant *****, i hate you. I despiste you (as he spat in my face) worthless, fat lazy *****,i dont give a **** aboutyou, i divorced better than you, i dont lie to you, i dont like you enough to lie to you, i cant stand being around you, ****ing garbage can, you are the reason your ex cheated, who wouldnt?, i cant wait to get the **** out of here, ,,......

It's very triggering to read that because I've heard those exact words or something similar for years from my husband. I'm sorry you have to deal with that too. It's hard to stop believing you deserve all of that. I haven't gotten there yet.

Have you read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft or The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans? They might help.

Are you still in this "relationship"?

I'm embarrassed and ashamed to say yes.

What is it that is making you stay?

I have heard these words all too many times. 😞

Dear GoneGirl711,

I'm not going to judge you at all. There are probably quite a few reasons that you ended up there where you are at right now.

The most obvious thing is to leave him. Of course it depends how independant you are financially, how old you are, etc. And it depends how independant you are emotionally and socially. It doesn't have to happen today or tomorrow.

However, I recommend to stop asking about the "why" and what you'd have do to get his approvial. Of course I'm far away and I don't know either you or him, but my educated guess is this: The reason he is doing that to you is simply because he can. He probably you picked you for this very reason. And that's why nothing would change his behavior, no matter what you would do. You could win a nobel prize, he would still call you names.

Please focus on yourself and get going.

A few years ago there was a member that taped how her husband talked to her and while I don't remember how she did it she provided a link one could click on and hear it. Reading what you posted reminded me of what that woman had recorded.

I have several recordings like that. I've considered putting them on the internet so people can hear what verbal abuse is like since most people don't seem to get it.

Its just not that easy...I am sure it seems so stupid and I don't know that I could explain...

It doesn't seem stupid at all!!! There are SO many reasons why a person can't leave or stays in abusive situations. I can say right now that it's not your fault and that staying doesn't mean it's okay for your partner to treat you this way!!

What if its me that is crazy,? What if I cause all this hardship because I'm messed up?

I wish I was in a better place in my recovery right now to answer that question for you. I've spent a lot of time blaming myself for the things that he did to me. One of the things he did was to call me crazy. He said I was a f***ed up crazy b**** when he met me, he accused me of being a sociopath, he wanted to know what my therapist diagnosed me with (nothing, by the way, other than depression, at least that's all that he'll admit to me), that I must have some sort of mental disorder. Everyone, my therapist and my therapy group, tells me it's not me, it's him. I want to believe that, but it's really hard to believe when he's cutting you down constantly. The only advice I can offer is to keep trying to believe that it's him, not you, that has the problem. HE'S the abuser. HE'S the one that chooses to treat you this way. HE has problems. And his problems are not an excuse for treating you this way. My h is an alcoholic and I chalked up all his behavior to him being a mean drunk. Yeah, he's a mean drunk and he's also an abuser. They are two separate things. And please, please, please, talk to your therapist about what's going on in your relationship. You need the external validation right now. Feel free to PM me if you want to talk.

All I read says the abuser sees nothing wrong with themselves and its always someone else's fault. What if he is right and in so f&%$%d up like he says and I don't realize it and just blaming him? I don't know anymore. He's right i don't have any friends, he says its because no one can stand me? Grrr ughh

I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that at one point in time you probably had friends. If you don't now it's because he's done everything he can to separate you from them.

One other thing. Even if you were totally f&%$%d up, which I don't believe for a minute, does that give him the right to abuse you? A caring partner would try to find ways to help, not hurt.

Please reach out to your therapist, a shelter, someplace for help. You don't deserve to be treated like this.

I stayed for 31 years;I didn't blame myself for not leaving sooner, because we are only able to do what we can do...when we are ready. Find a therapist who can help and call the domestic violence hotline; they can also help. The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans saved my life. Abusers are excruciatingly insecure and often hate themselves; they have issues they have not dealt with and take those out on you. One sentence helped me leave; "Try to let the side of you that is trying to save yourself....win."We don't cause anyone to behave in any way. Everyone is responsible for their behavior. Unfortunately, abusers blame everyone else but themselves. Abuse is also brainwashing that is why you are so confused....also called "gaslighting."

I think I did have friends before but to be honest I don't really know if they were actually friends. I know before my move 15 years ago I had friends. Lots of friends. But that's been quite some time ago. People just aren't the same. I know I have changed, I know I'm not the same person. In fact I am the opposite of that person. I find it hard to believe that I was that person. Physically. Mentally. Emotionallty, in every way. She's gone.

I can understand that. It's a strange feeling to look back at who you were years ago and wonder how you were like that, why you were like that. You may never be that person again, however; if you get away from this situation, you can move back in that direction and maybe even find a better place. It is possible. I can tell that you are very distressed right now, but let me stress, it's not you, it's him. Please, please reach out for help.

Do you feel like you are better than him?

I don't want to feel like this anymore, useless, unloved, unwanted, worthless.
Completely dependent, incapable, hopeless.

No. Is that his I present myself in my post? I never realized it if I do.

I think you are better than him. I know that you are better than him. I wish I could convince you of that truth.

Ya know, int he other thread you said you would never want to burden your children by going to them for help.

Don't you think it is a bigger burden to them for their mom to be in such horrible circumstances and not be allowed to help her? People want to help the ones they love. It pains them to see their loved ones suffering and be unable to do anything about it.

My mom went into renal failure and spent most of May in the hospital. I stayed with her the whole time and had to drop out of the semester to do it. Now, I hook her up to her dialysis machine every night, and unhook her every morning, and get her shower ready and carry stuff for her and bring her the things she wants and needs. I am not sure when I will be able to go back to art school because she needs so much help. Do you know how burdensome that is to me?

NOT AT ALL burdensome. She is my mom and I love her, and I am so glad I can help her. The worst part of her hospitalization is that there was nothing I could do to make her better. THAT was the burden watching my Mom suffer and not being able to do anything about it except hold her hand and love her.

If your kids are willing to help, let them. Not letting them is far harder on them than accepting their love and help.

I really don't believe they can, and I would never want to get them involved. I already put them in a terrible position with my bad choices.

I will consider it. They are my world and I want the best for them. I would never put them in the position to have to deal with him. Especially to try and help me. I believe I should be taking care of them, not vice versa. Not one cruel word do they need to hear from him and he has a way to find words that dig into the soul.

Being helpless while their mom is suffering is cruel too. Perhaps even more so.