Only three words

When the hate turns inward yet again, it's the hardest to get rid of, the hardest to resist, because I am my own worst enemy. I've caused more damage not facing myself and my past than if I had dealt with it then. That's all stuff for which I'm culpable. That's a big part of the growing anxiety.
Eff it all, I'm going to the gym for the need 4 hours

Thanks for the updates. Thinking of you. You know where to find me.

I am sorry you have turned your anger inward (((SorryShaped))), and if you did not correct whatever you experienced that resulted in something bad taking place, it's because you simply did not know "how" at the time so you instead did not react. Instead of continuing to turn your anger inwards, you deserve to work towards self forgiveness. I know this can be challenging because I have had to work hard on that myself in that I blamed myself for not recognizing something soon enough and I ended up facing a great deal of loss because of it. There have been times where I just did not see something the right way that resulted in something bad happening, and it's taken me time to sort through these situations where I forgive myself and learn how to gradually accept that I simply did not do something "right" to prevent.

Holding this "in" and constantly self blaming and self hating is just being unfair to yourself as a human being.

And to top it all off, that tooth is now cutting into my jaw. Going to but Emory boards

If I've ever been fair to myself, I have no knowledge of it. Life's not fair.
I did manage a decent workout after some chat with a friend helped calm me down enough to go in. Now settling after 32 minutes elliptical, 50 minutes Pound, and 60 minutes yoga. Getting very hungry!
I also had to make sure my eyes were open. Closed eyes meant I had to deal with myself and I'm not willing to do that right now. How will I sleep if I can't close my eyes? I don't yet know.
I see my t in 18 hours and change. I'm counting it down because I'm both worried he'll commit me and that I might not tell him. My insides are hyper upset, like I've been punched by a semi truck.

I did tell my t! I don't feel better about it.
He was floored. I have had a long time to practice hiding it. Of course he had no idea. I still couldn't say it out loud. I gave it to him written on a receipt. I still feel nervous and the anxiety would be about a 9. He asked the SI question and I answered honestly but I told him I'm not going to do it. He was very encouraging yet still scheduled me for next week. I feel like hell. I'm probably going to sleep in my truck after this unless I decide to go for coffee. I don't want to look at anyone right now and a waiting room of 4 patients is an easy place to make that happen.
I see my pdoc next. I'm going to ask for a prn but probably won't get one. I'm also going to ask if my meds can be adjusted to make my moods less extreme. I think the latter is both more likely and the best course.

Thanks for the update. I'm so proud of you for telling your T, even via a note. That is such a huge step.

Pdoc knew things were bad looking at me. I actually said it out loud to her.
"I'm not surprised" was her reply. Me either
She also asked the SI question. Apparently neither thinks I'm a danger to myself or others. They're probably right.
Pdoc also did the genesense test while I was there. She also thinks my meds may be counteracting each other. We're going to wait until the results come back and I take in my bloodwork from my PCP before any med adjustments.
I wanted sweeping huge changes by telling them this. I expected none. I got what I expected. I'm still miserable. I had memories while driving and pulled over just in time to vomit not in the truck.
My physical pain today is really high but that's to be expected with the rest of the problems.

I'm really sorry to hear all this. You're a good person! Do you know how to tell? The mean people don't torture themselves over the things they do.

You've suffered enough, friend.

Give yourself a break from the self-blame, if you can.

Let the docs sort out your meds, yes. This does sound like something chemical is going on. Combined with a challenging time of the year for you.

No wonder you're upset, poor thing