Only three words

I've dealt with this for 35 years. That's how long ago. I wanted to die with having let it go or getting it out of my head or not telling anyone or Something. If 99f hadn't put that reply mentioning her abuse, I don't know that I'd ever have told anyone. It pi--ed me off because it happened to her and that she seemed to know what I was talking about. I apologize for getting angry, and also thank you 99f for luring it out of me

35 years is a long time to carry all that weight. But this is a good place to let it out, so many understanding and supportive people.

I don't know if this is actually a good idea, to go into this, The Genesis of my darkness. It really makes me very off-balance and closer to the edge. I really want to not have to deal with this. I'd hoped getting it out here on the forums would let me go on beyond it, instead it makes it more vivid and horrible, like what Ted Turner did to movies in the '90s. At least I've still got my warped sense of humor. That stupid joke made me laugh anyway.

You are a survivor and strong. I think it’s good to let it out and confront those emotions. Doing it carefully with a t is good, if it works for you. Therapy didn’t work for me, so I vented on here, and feel much better for it. I feel like I am in the here and now instead of dwelling in the past that was consuming me.

I don't see my t until Tuesday, and then my pdoc right after. My insides keep making all kinds of noises I don't like but I think it's the antibiotics I'm on.
Why did I keep letting it happen? I was threatened several ways. "I'll kill you." "Nobody will be your friend." "I'll tell everyone you like doing it and they'll all laugh at you and pick on you."
Guess what? I'm still alive. I don't have any close RL friends. Nobody knows about it and they laughed at me and picked on me anyway.
Where's the power in the threats, other than now I have to tell someone to be able to work past it? I want them all to be dealt with, but there's no dealing that would be justice, is there? Everyone was a young minor at the time, the oldest 12, and they'd probably all get together and convince the world it happened another way or didn't happen.
I don't need to convince anyone it happened. I need to deal with it in a healthy manner. Anyone got any? I'll take any and all suggestions seriously. I simply cannot see past it on my own and don't know what really works for anyone. I looked at some sites, but they're all just psychobabble and no real world info. Right now it's spinning in my head and I think I might vomit. I'm going to eat some bread to see it if helps settle.

I think the best way to work through this is to bring it up with your T. Just tell her you need to take it slow. T's are professionals and it's not like they havent heard it all. They are trained to help people with the things you are going through.
I know bringing it up makes it feel real and almost like you're going through it again. But just remember, that time in your life is over now and the memories are shittty to have to deal with but they can't hurt you anymore. They're just memories. You're safe now.

You are correct, you don't need to convince anyone that it happened. You know what happened. And talking about it is hard. Remembering is hard. But confronting the emotions with your therapist will help in the long run. You got this, you will overcome this. I am sending positive vibes your way SorryShaped. I understand those emotions all too well.

I'm working on building courage to tell my t on Tuesday. He will wonder what else I've lied about. I told him "no" when he asked the sexual intake questions.
Full on flashbacks, war veteran style, are making it very real.
I don't feel safe at all and haven't. Not now or forever. The safest I felt was in hospital and I still found ways to force myself to sleep.
I need a shower. I didn't after working out. Parents are home. I made them lunch, cheesesteak sammiches. Now I can go be alone again before they say anything else assaten. They've already been into me a few times in under 90 minutes, for decades past things, while I was cooking them lunch that I went to the store and bought with my own money. Nevermind that I'm going to have to pull my own tooth later because I can't afford a dentist. I don't think I love my parents. Is that wrong?

(((((( sorryshaped ))))))

My heart goes out to you. I hope you can resolve the trauma.


WC

The most important person is you, your t can help you with the parts of this that is helpful for you. Others denying it will not be of importance, you know and that is the important thing. Getting it out will help you see it clearer, the issues it has (and is) creating for you- hopefully it will get easier to heal.

Regarding the love, no, I don’t think that is wrong. I think people don’t love other people for reasons. What the reasons are can be different for different people. Some just don’t feel connected- and that can have reasons as well. Some don’t love themselves enough.

You are really going through so much, and still you seem very strong. You are stronger than you think, and I do love your sense of humor.

Ps: I really really hope there is a way to get a dentist helping with that tooth, that is barbaric to do yourself.

I question if I know what love is, based on my history with saying it.
Barbarism isn't beyond me, when turning it on myself. I do not mean SH. I mean mental. This is barbarism with necessity. Sure it seems like SH, but it's really self care.

The offenders were the messed up ones. You were an innocent victim. Let it out. Get mad.

Don’t feel bad about not telling the t at first. You weren’t ready. Now you are.

Sure you feel nauseous right now. You just revealed abuse that haunted you for your whole life. Just let this drift away for now and digest it very slowly.

Good for you for confronting it. Just like a monster in your dreams, it goes away when you aren’t scared anymore.

When does a victim that allows things to repeat become a perpetrator of their own undoing? I feel like I have hurt myself by not stopping it then, any of the more than 50 times. Sometimes I did get hit and even beaten up and left on the ground, just so I would know what it would be like if I told anyone. They would punch one or more of themselves or if it were only one of them himself so they could say I started a fight and they were in self-defence. I did once fight back. I stabbed one of them in the side of his knee with a compass. I thought that would get attention of everyone, including parents. He said he fell in their shed on a nail in a board. I feel like I've hurt myself more by never feeling safe enough to ask for help. I feel like I should have done something more than let it keep happening. It's my fault for letting it happen over and over.
It was about this time that I started occasionally stealing and using alcohol and tobacco and otherwise stole and/or destroyed all sorts of other things.
How many lives did I hurt because I didn't stop it?

You were a CHILD and a victim. There is absolutely no way you are responsible for any of this.

They were too. That doesn't excuse them?

Children can have predatory behaviour. Children can be murders, etc. If evil exists, I think it wouldn't discriminate age and take whatever form necessary.

((((SorryShaped))))

I see my thread got moved. Appropriate.
I'm going to pretend I didn't open that box just yet. I'm going to put it out of my mind the best I can. I'll try to keep the idea to tell my therapist Tuesday, and hope he'll understand why I told him no to the questions before.
I'm going to go pull this blasted tooth then pack it with gauze. I put the tip of a flosser in there earlier and got sensitivity. Now is a good time because I'm into my second day of antibiotics for a sinus infection. At least something can get better today.
Edit
And it can't. I lined up the pliers and part of it crumbled with a tiny amount of pressure, not even enough to really hold the tooth. There's nothing to grab onto. Probably has to be cut out. It would have crumbled if the dentist tried it too. I'll have yet ANOTHER medical bill I can't pay all of at once. FML

I did my own therapy over the past few years on here where I revisited all the stuff from my childhood, which was trauma experience then. During which, I discussed, confided, confronted my FOO. As a result, my sister confided in me that . So, I opened that can of worms. Now, because of this ‘self guided talk therapy’, and moreso because of our mother’’s abusive actions then AND now, my sister and my mother are not speaking. But this is an ongoing abuse tactic our mother perpetrated on us our whole lives anyway.

My point is, we did therapy by ourselves without a t just by opening up and talking and venting on here. I don’t think it would have gone any better with a therapist.

Was talking a good thing? Are we any healthier as a result? IDK

What is an FOO?
I'm sorry your family is so strained. I know some of how that feels.
My parents did such a great job. I have a sister that's only spoken to one family member twice in over 20 years.
I woke up this morning drenched in sweat. I had dreams of it all night long. As soon as I woke up, I wanted to vomit because it felt that bad, but it wasn't happening. I rolled back up into my cold wet blanket and fell asleep again anyway. I've since washed it and me.
I am going to try to push this all away until Tuesday, and take it up with my t. My face looks its normal gruesome today so that's much better than yesterday. I'm going to the gym late today and I'm ok with that. I really don't need five workout hours every Sunday or any day. Do I? My knees still hurt some anyway. I'll be wearing one of my psycho shirts I got from my aunt today, "free hugs," in hope that I can give some away.

Family Of Origin

I think the truth always comes out and it sets us free. So, it was inevitable.

Enjoy your day. I’m glad you are being good to yourself.

I'm now drinking coffee completely under my blanket and have been under here long enough for the coffee to go mostly cold. Dad asked me why I was "crying all night again." Why wouldn't he wake me to ask me or try anything other than bother me about it after it happened all night? I did ask him. "I thought you wanted to be alone." In this place, I AM ALONE. I'm not going to tell them what this is about at any cost. They haven't bothered to try to understand bipolar, so they sure aren't going to try for this one. I'm certain it would be some way to blame me for it too, just like they blame me every time mania or depression sets in. I don't understand this one yet and I've had many years to figure it out. I had a long time early this morning of full-blown SI but I managed to talk myself down. REBT works sometimes. I know it's not all my fault. I almost stopped on the high bridge yesterday. I am falling apart and there's not a thing anyone can do about it. I have my weirdness too. I still can joke around and have other conversations and yet, this very sad part of me still exists in the background, consuming me anyway.
There was a woman at the gym yesterday that said "I can tell how bad you're hurting" as she walked on by. I wanted to believe she was on her phone, but I don't think she was. She didn't stop though.
I won't go back into hospital. I'm not going to let this beat me down again! I'm mad at myself for letting it bother me at all, and moreso for letting it bother me ever.
My coffee's now gone. I'm going back to sleep. I don't want to be awake right now. I don't want to dream either. I just want to get rest in every possible aspect.

Please, if you feel like hurting yourself ever message me or anyone talk it out. Don't let these feelings win. You have dig deep down and find why you're worth it. And even if you need IP again, maybe that would help to be in a safe environment working through this, so what. There is no shame in it. Do not feel shame for any of it!

I'm talking my own way out of it. It's been there so long that I know it's all wrong. All of it. I see the changes I've made, and they aren't any of them small, and I'll not let my past kill me. It's called "past" because it's behind me, so from there it can kiss my a55, if it can catch me. Lot of deep breaths. Some kava. Extra time outside my head today.

SorryShaped,

I have gradually learned that when I experience flashbacks there was a theme to all of them. Also, what I slowly began to realize is how the now in my life and the challenges I was facing was the reason I began experiencing these flashbacks. The now was so challenging and the flashbacks I began experiencing only made an already challenging now, even worse. In the now I was struggling and felt "powerless" because in the now I was literally overwhelmed with "dysfunction".

Human beings need to feel "empowered" and that is what helps a human being develop healthier self esteem. When a child is allowed to develop skills and is rewarded for their effort and gradual gain, that child becomes more "self confident".

If a person experiences a trauma in their childhood that frightens them and they feel powerless and frightened and targeted in some way that is threatening, this experience is something that child will remember and may hide talking about it for fear of how this challenge can make whatever traumatized that child "worse".

Personally, I did not really care for the "you were a survivor" comments that therapists tended to say to me when I shared some of this very challenging history. When I began having flashbacks and began even "feeling" them physically and emotionally, I could not see experiencing that as being a "survivor" especially when these flashbacks disabled me for often a few days.

SorryShaped, I have cried and cried myself. Often these flashbacks would bring back past/childhood experiences that I suffered through and when I look back with my adult mind and remember these trauma's it deeply saddens me that the child in me had endured what I was experiencing in the flashbacks. Most of these flashbacks reflect how I was abused or faced really toxic behaviors directed at me or that I witnessed that were enacted by individuals that directed THEIR rage and anger and dysfunctional problems at me or someone else that I witnessed being hurt. In these situations I felt POWERLESS. What made the now so challenging was not knowing when something in the now would trigger me to experience something I had experienced in my past. And one thing I had been facing from others were comments like "that is the past, not now, let it go, ignore it, just forget it, it's over, it's in the past, that's just kid stuff to name a few comments that as anyone who struggles KNOWS that NEVER helps. None of these comments provide a sense of "empowerment", in fact, what these comments actually do is add insult to injury instead. Often these comments represent the same dismissiveness or attitude of "your problems are an imposition to me" mentality.

One thing I did recently was I decided to give it a try to actually watch the State of The Union Address. I was not sure if I could sit and watch that tbh. However, when I sat and watched that I ended up seeing something that triggered me and yet helped me recognize something at the same time. Now, I am sharing this in hopes that it will not be considered some kind desire to talk about politics. That is totally "not" what I am trying to discuss. What I noticed about what I saw is how human beings can behave where what that human being needs the most is "how their feelings simply have to be more important" no matter what someone is expressing that shows their significant personal pain and life experience. It made me think about how I experienced that myself where I was trying to thrive despite some significant deep challenges, and my needs were literally drowned out and insignificant because of someone else's need to have THEIR feelings and opinions and anger or hate take precedent. I found it triggering in how a child can experience that in their own home were the hate and anger between the adult parents can become more important than whatever the child is being challenged with that can actually be literally "traumatizing" that child. That is what my childhood was like. It's not about politics at all IMHO, it's about the behavior overall that becomes so toxic where the hate becomes more important than whatever a child or even adult is experiencing that is traumatizing. Any "yeah but I hate" will simply prove my point and that is what I have noticed often takes precedent rather than listening and respecting someone genuine challenge being shared.