[Cthomas]

Hi all. Ive been lurking for quite some time, I have add/bipolar and have also been abused as a kid. My parents had myself and my brother, he was older. They thought he was a prince, little did they know that he used to hold me down and rape me when they left me with him. The abuse didnt stop there. My parents used to say, well "steve" is good looking and smart, but colleen....hmmm....we just hope she finds a rich man. shes not very smart. I used to get yelled at on a daily basis from a abusive alcoholic father. and my mother, just thought I was stupid. I think she became a "product" of my father. My parents were only concerned with how people saw us. The clean kids, with nice clothes. Meanwhile at home I was called a *****, stupid, and lots of other things I just dont feel like saying just yet. I was abused by a man in our neighborhood whom i used to babysit for. he would have me come over to watch his kids when his wife was at work, then send the kids outside so he could molest me. I turned to coke and pot by my teens, tried to end myself many times. Im now 39 and seeing a therapist and working with EMDR therapy. Its helping, and its also dredging up stuff I didnt realize i blocked out. You will hear more and more as I get better acquainted. Luckily my husband is a good man. I guess Im feeling as if he could do better than me right now. Ive been fortunate enough to have been "adopted" by another woman, my new mom, in the last 2 years. Im diabetic and so is she. met her on a diabetes web support group and she got me into therapy. My mom now is wonderful. I wish all of you could have the second chance I am getting now. Sorry for this being so long, and possibly broken up a bit. Just felt like getting it all out finally. Nice to meet you all.
Colleen

[Sabrina]

I am glad you are done lurking! You will find lots of support and understanding here!

I am so sorry for all that you have been through and you are very brave to share with us.

I am thrilled you have a second chance.

Please share more with us!

[Cthomas]

Thanks sabrina. I ve been reading a lot of your posts here, all of the posts actually. and its helped to read about others experiences. I just hope that in time I can forgive and forget. Dosent seem like forgetting is either right or easy huh?
Colleen

[Sabrina]

Oh, you are so right ....... forgiving sometimes happens but forgetting? I don't know about that!! (In my case anyway!)

I am so happy that reading our posts helps you ... please post more - I would love to get to know you.

[Cthomas]

Thanks for the wonderful welcome. I was afraid to post for the longest time. Now im glad i did.

I cant wait to get to know you all too!
Colleen

[Sabrina]

PM me any time .........

[happyflowergirl]

Glad you came out of hiding! It isn't fair that some of us as child had to endure such horrible stuff. The effects from it affects us so much as adults.
I read you are doing EMDR, I am too. It is so hard, but so revealing. I am just really getting started in the darkest depths. I finally was able to find my safe place, in a painting on my T's wall. I figured since it was a place that really didn't exhist, then my mom could never get me. So I think that will help a lot.

Did you establish a safe place before going through the trauma work?

[Cthomas]

Yes actually she did make me pick a "safe place" . I chose my new adoptive moms house because she made me feel like I had a safe home whenever i visit her there. So thats my place to hide when we do this. It IS hard. I hear you there. We are dredging up a ton of stuff right now. Its kinda scary in that I am having nightmares about it. My parents were cruel to me, my brother, just downright sick.

It does seem to be working, but im remembering a lot of stuff I think ive blocked out over the years. Everytime I go see my adopted mom, she gets so mad when I mention my parents. (both are dead) she keeps saying if she met me and they were alive they would have gotten an earful. Im lucky that way with her. She has given me hope.

Take care, and nice to meet you!
Colleen

[50guy]

Hi Ya,
I thought I saw you out there somewhere at sometime or other. Glad you came inside to see us all here. We've been expecting you.

See now wasn't that easy? Only problem I had was seeing my abusers name in your post. Now we have that in common. My abuser died last year or whenever, I really don't care and I'm glad he is gone. He dropped dead of a heart attack. I only wish I could have been there to see it.
My brother told me he dropped like a sack of crap. Oh, joy!!

Oh, enough of that.....glad you are here.

[Cthomas]

Actually I was at the add boards too. I didnt see much to discuss there. I found the posts here and in the bipolar group much more helpful. And it appears aside from my add, its the depression of whats happened to me, and the wierd thinking of mine that keeps me here. I just feel like my lifes been a waste up to this point. I feel like I will never get out of this funk and resume a normal life. My mom that just adopted me 2 years ago, she has kept me in therapy and for that I am grateful. I was afraid to post for some time now but i have to say you guys are wonderful.

Thanks for the welcome.
Colleen

[DePressMe]

Hi Colleen, I am glad you decided to write and honored you trust us enough to share your story. I was also abused..I am familiar with being called things like ***** and what that does to a poor little child. I turned to drugs and alcohol to try to find a way to forget and cope. Welcome to PC and I look forward to supporting each other as we grow in our recovery.

[Cthomas]

Thank you so much. God i feel like the president....LOL you guys are great! I was so afraid to post. I cant believe i waited months to post. and here i got the best welcome!

I cant wait to get to know all of you. I cant wait to just unload the crap ive carried around for years. The fear over just about everything. the apprehension i have towards authority and the generally anxious feelings in a large group. Its amazing what consequences you have to deal with after being abused many different ways.

I feel like I could go on for days here. I believe a lot of my issues as an adult are stemmed from my upbringing or lack thereof.

Thanks again. sorry for rambling.
Colleen

[happyflowergirl]

Do you have nightmares after the EMDR? If you , I do also, it scares the begeebers out of me. But my T says they could be flashbacks and not dreams. Because they contain all the senses and are very real, not dreamlike at all.
I was just happy to finally come up with a safe place. I had trouble because my mom was friends with the cops and other authority figures, so coming up with a place that she could to was so important. It reminds me of my old safe place as a young child. I used to get up before my mom during the summer, make a lunch and my breakfast, and hid out in the woods about a mile away. They had these junk piles made my the amish, that has all these old things like furnture, etc. I dragged some of it out, and make my self a safe house. It was scary during the thunderstorms, but it felt safer than being home with my mom. But even this safe place wouldn't be totally safe for me now. It was just last week when he was trying to calm me down after a EMDR session, and I started to look at his painting on the wall, and it calmed me down. I pointed at the picture, and told him about it. So on Monday we are going to practice with the safe place. He wants me to picture my mom in a way she can't get me. I told him the only way I will feel safe is when she is 6feet under.

[bipolar_bear]

Welcome to PC Colleen. I am glad you decided to join us. I know at times I can feel very lonely and isolated. I am sorry what brings you here but I hope it can help you heal. Know I am here if you ever need anything.

BB

[Cyran0]

Welcome Colleen. I'd like to join everyone in saying thank you for sharing your story. I've found the people here are not only friendly, they're also pretty helpful and wise. Glad you found them too.

Cyran0

[Cthomas]

Thank you cyran0, im sorry this comes so long after you posted. been down in the dumps. and havent been back.

Ive read your posts, and it helps to hear what you have to say.

Have a good day
Colleen

hi Colleen, another survivor (or trying to) of childhood abuse here welcoming you on board. I hope you find the support you are looking for, pm me anytime...I too am dredging up the past but suffer with dissossiation amnesia and it knocks me for six when I remember anything new....abuser was a hypnotist and messed my mind up big time.........but the only way to go is up from now on I feel, if you're struggling reach out and grab my hand, together we can make this journey and start to live....

Love Jinny xxxxx