[SweetCrusader]

I have been struggling in therapy for a LONG time, and today I think maybe I realized (or maybe re-realized) something that I'm struggling with. For some reason, I feel the need to tell some pieces of my story and just get it out there.

*****Warning: Triggers*******

I am survivor of physical abuse, emotional abuse, and neglect. Something is SOOO wrong with me inside, really deep. I just feel like I'll never have all the "pieces" of me that were supposed to be there. Might sound crazy, but I feel like as a baby, one little piece of me died.

I grew up with a severely depressed mother. She was/is basically a good woman, but a survivor herself with some deep issues. She told me that when I was a baby, she was always afraid she was going to hurt me. She had all this rage inside of her because of her own abuse. Once, she was changing my diaper and I was crying. She was so angry, but didn't want to hurt me, so she beat the bed all around me.

I was afraid to have doors closed on me. I would freak out and cry. So when my parents went to the bathroom, I tried to go with them. Once when I was 18 months old, I tried to follow my dad in and he kicked me literally across the room.

I've gone through a lot of therapy, but I'm really stuck now and have been for a long time. All I can think about or feel is this dead baby.

(((((((((sweetcrusader))))))))))

That is so heartbroken. I'm wondering.. Why do you think the baby is dead? and not just crying or sad? It sounds allot like grieving a death. Perhaps that is where you are in therapy.. a grieving stage. It is sad what you went through. Sending hugs your way...

ev

[happyflowergirl]

I too have also suffered the same abuses when I was as a child. I think you really do lose your childhood when you are forced to deal with all of that. I know I had to grieve my childhood, in fact many times during the course of threapy.

As recently as last week in fact. My stepdaugher gave birth to a terminally ill baby who lived a month. The love and caring that baby got in one day was more than I ever got in my whole life. So I was sad that I didn't have that love. So after 3 years of therapy, I am still grieving. I don't know if this helps or not, but I think I understand how you are feeling. I think it might be a step in the process of healing from your childhood. I am not sure, because I am trying to heal too.l Take care

[SweetCrusader]

ty EV and happyflowergirl.

no, it's not sad or crying it's really dead, EV. i don't know what it means.

[Cyran0]

Crusader, I'm so sorry you went through that. As an abuse survivor, and particularly a male abuse survivor, I know I run a high risk of abusing others. It's one of the reasons I take recovery very seriously. The last thing I want is to continue the cycle. I guess what I'm trying to say is I'm so sorry your mother was unable to get her illness under control enough to care for you the way you deserved to be cared for. My heart goes out to you.

Be safe.

Cyran0

[SweetCrusader]

***TRIGGERS******

When I was eighteen months, my dad kicked me across the room. Of course I don't remember, but I'm trying to, I guess, heal from this.

T said that's where the "dead baby" thing comes from, maybe. Or part of it

It's so hard to understand, because it's not something you CAN understand. Not verbally or intellectually. I just hate it.

[SweetCrusader]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Crusader, I'm so sorry you went through that. As an abuse survivor, and particularly a male abuse survivor, I know I run a high risk of abusing others. It's one of the reasons I take recovery very seriously. The last thing I want is to continue the cycle. I guess what I'm trying to say is I'm so sorry your mother was unable to get her illness under control enough to care for you the way you deserved to be cared for. My heart goes out to you.

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I know you wrote this a long time ago, but I just wanted to say I really appreciate that you are mindful of your own recovery. You sound like a responsible, caring person. I value that a lot in a person. Very admirable.

[Kiya]

maybe it's an mpd thing? that persona "died" and you created a new on in it's place? now that you are aware of the loss you have to do the grieving work?

i bet that baby thought it was dying - mom beating the space all around it - we don't have seperate senses of selves at that age yet. that woul be very scary. then reaffirmed by dad kicking the baby - the baby learns it is "not alive" - not allowed to exist.

just thoughts... hope you are safe. kiya

[SweetCrusader]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Kiya said:
maybe it's an mpd thing? that persona "died" and you created a new on in it's place? now that you are aware of the loss you have to do the grieving work?

i bet that baby thought it was dying - mom beating the space all around it - we don't have seperate senses of selves at that age yet. that woul be very scary. then reaffirmed by dad kicking the baby - the baby learns it is "not alive" - not allowed to exist.

just thoughts... hope you are safe. kiya

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i don't have DID. my t specializes in that and would know if I did. But I think that it is kind of similar to that, though. Maybe just a lesser degree of separation. ty for understanding. your words hit home

just processing little bits at a time. i'm safe. ty

[wisewoman]

Howdy stranger, I could not read and not respond. Dead baby tome was about, is about my inability to grieve a loss that is so profound and basically pre-verbal. I never had the capacity to cry from early childhood until about 4 years ago and it was because I had to beat the crying out of myself or someone else would. Thus I could never grieve for that baby. Don't know if I have but man can I cry!!! oy vey! I am guessing that some of the same things are happening for you. You had to silence the baby in your so young mind and that is why she feels dead to you. She is not. Watch some children playing and think of the beauty that is them. Alive, loved, free. And think of dead baby, not dead, scared, stuffed into a corner and abandoned for living the only way your mind knew how. You are so very alive and you are growing. peace to your aching soul.

[SweetCrusader]

ty wisewoman. long time no see!

ty for sharing your experiencing of the symbol of dead baby in your life. what sad story i'm glad you learned to free your tears.

i think my dead baby is really a dead baby

[wisewoman]

I do know that dead baby feeling. For me however baby was not dead, just silenced, sleeping so the rest of "us" couldn't hear, see, feel the pain. No I am not DID but as most people who have lived through severe life-threatening abuse, I compartmentalized pieces of me. Maybe baby isn't dead. Please try to see her and offer her kindness. For me it took real live babies to help me to that. Good luck old friend.

whats interesting is that you are certain its dead. I'm sure that must hold meaning to you -- like a part never that can be regained or restored. - a time to mourn.

(((((((((Angela))))))))