I'm not even sure what I'm asking here, but I can't talk to anyone IRL about this and I need to talk to someone who's "been there, done that".

I've been in therapy for about 6 months - my first time ever going to therapy. The reason I decided to go was because I grew up in a very abusive, alcoholic home, and now I'm the caretaker/emotional support person for my abuser (my mom - my dad died 4 years ago this Saturday of cancer).

When I started therapy, I really thought all I would talk about was my mom. I knew I had other "issues" from my past, but didn't really think they still affected me, although I had never sought help for them before. I was violently raped (although I've never been able to say that word out loud, even in therapy) by an ex-boyfriend when I was 19. It was very violent, and very scary, and I realized in therapy that I couldn't just ignore that it had happened. So, we've talked about some, but there's a lot left to be said still.

In the past couple of weeks, there have been a lot of memories coming up about something that happened to me when I was six. This is hard to explain - I always knew that it had happened, it wasn't like I forgot it - but somehow, I always thought of it in a really factual way, like it was no big deal. I've never told anyone about it. Something in my mind seems to have shifted, or something, and I'm realizing what a big deal this thing is. I'm really sorry to type this, because I'm scared it might be triggering for someone, and I hope if it is, they aren't reading this thread. But, I was molested by a neighbor down the street during the winter when I was six. It was just one time, and I never told anyone. It wasn't violent - he just told me what to do, and I did it. I knew it was wrong, and I was bad, dirty, disgusting, ugly, etc. I really feel that way now.

I wrote a letter to my therapist and told him what happened. I gave it to him Monday at my appointment. It literally made me sick to do it. I locked myself in his bathroom and sat on the floor while he read it, and I haven't been able to eat since then. The feelings that have come up from telling feel like more than I can handle.

I've been sober for 3 years in a 12 step program, and I've totally screwed it up. Took a hydrocodone for a legitimate headache a couple of weeks ago and just keep taking more and more while this memory has been eating at me. I took some today. It totally numbs me up, and makes me feel better. But I KNOW that's not the right way to deal with this. ALL of my bad coping skills - numbing out, eating disorder stuff, etc - are back, and I don't know what to do. Between the rape, and this, and the mom stuff, it just feels like TOO MUCH. I'm going for an extra T appointment tomorrow, but I don't see how it will help. It can't change the past.

I'm 38, and I homeschool my three really cool little boys....but I feel like everything is just about to crumble around me. I just can't cope. It's just too much pain, and shame, and embarassment, and fear.

Can someone help me? How do I go on from here? I really need some help, and I'm ashamed to even be talking about this here, but it seems easier in faceless cyberspace than it would be in real life. I can't imagine talking about this to anyone in real life. I'm really scared.

[Christina86]

((((((((((earthmama)))))))))))))

Boo for things all happening at once for you. That's rough... but it seems to happen that way for many people.

I'm glad you were able to be somewhat open with your therapist... that's always a tough step. I'm sorry about your sobriety and your bad coping mechanisms coming back... if it's any consolation, I do understand since I've messed up and done harmful things to myself when dealing with past issues and memories. It never does really seem to make it that much easier to deal with though...

You are not anything bad that you think you are... but that's another hard step/thing to come to terms with.

Maybe you can give your T this post, but try to remain in the same room this time? Tell them you need more support right now than what you're currently getting from them?

[skeksi]

I think I know what you're going through. I went into T about two years ago, after the death of a parent. I thought it was prolonged grief, perhaps a bout of depression brought on by stress. Everything blew up when I stated talking about the physical abuse, which I had always viewed in a very clinical sense before. I had no emotions attached to the memories at all, just these detached recollections of awful stuff happening.

As I began talking about it, I "thawed out"--the emotions I thought I didn't have were really just frozen and the thawing out sucked! It hurt so bad and, to be honest, often still does. My T encouraged me to begin the slow process of talking about it, feeling the shame and the anger, and putting the memories back into place in my history. So you are NOT crazy, you're not losing your mind. You're in a place where you are strong enough to face what has happened to you.

Take this at your own pace. It's brutally hard to face the shame and the self-blame, but if you can be strong during this time, you may find great relief. Being able to talk about it in T gives you the opportunity to reevaluate what you think about what happened, and how you feel about it. If you can be brave enough to discuss it, you can begin to realize it wasn't your fault and it didn't make you bad.