[Kiya]

I've not had one in quite some time (thankfully) but last night in t i nearly did.
t likes to do visualizations verging on the edge of hypnosis. but i have told her that her "we're being calm and quiet now" voice scares the s*** out of me. So she hasn't used it in a while and the short visualizations have been good. She's going on vacation so i asked her to make a new tape for me of one... well it went back to the old format and was totally triggering. naturally i didn't tell her i was triggered
Her almost whisper-quiet voice and leading tones freaked me out.
*
*
*
I could feel my abuser in my ear, whispering to me how it's ok, how i just need to be quiet, need to relax. not to make any sounds, not to move.

i can't write any more

[Troy]

Kiya... the triggers and flashbacks seem so real it is difficult to separate the present from the past. It's all happening at the same time. Protect yourself from the recording. I don't know how to deal w T yet.

[onlymedid]

BJ

[skeksi]

Oh, bleh, that sounds awful. What a terrible way to be triggered, when your T's voice is supposed to help you feel safe. I hope you are not still giving the tape a listen--chuck it. What can you do to remember you have a voice now, and the abuse is in the past? Something active (and loud) might help. I think it would be useful to make a note of this to yourself to bring it up to T when you do go back--it's important that she know that you can't always tell her when you are triggered.

Have a safe night. Be good to yourself.

[Kiya]

ty troy, bj, and skeksi

yeah - i'm not gonna listen to the tape =( which bums me out since t is gone for 2 weeks. i know i do need to tell her that i have a hard time stopping her when i'm triggered. i just didn't want that to happen before she left.
had another mini flashback tonight =( this always happens when t leaves. hate it.

am being safe. thanks. maybe this is why md started me on meds this time when she's never chosen to do so before. maybe i'm glad she did.

[iamtwilight]

((((Kiya))))

That is horrible

Do you feel the meds are already starting to have an impact?

[bchlyn]

kiya... i know how hard it is to talk about what is going on... when your in that place of fear .... i think for me that fear triggers me into a much younger frame of mind and all of the secrets start to come into the picture... maybe email her and let her know what happened... i care about you... take gentle care...lyn

[Troy]

kiya... I just reread this and another idea comes to mind. I wonder whether it would be possible to have a conversation about triggers. You wouldn't have to get to much into the subject, just to reach the point of saying that you'd like to work out a signal since it is sometimes hard for you to express anything verbally about it. I don't know what the signal might be, but maybe something like ... Look, T, when you see me touching my right ear, please realize that what you're saying is triggering for me .... I dunno ... imho Troy

[Kiya]

((((katie))))
(((((lyn)))))
(((((troy))))
Katie -i dunno-maybe the meds are working - i feel lke i'm sitting on the edge of the abyss. but instead of spinning like i would be normalli - everything feels numb or blank. instead of panicked.

Lyn - i could email her - i am supposed to. but i haven't because i feel guilty that i asked her to do the tape for me and now i can't use it. and because i wasted her time in making it when i am supposed to have the courage to stop and tell her. it reflects on me and i just can't.... besides with her being gone i don't want her to (possibly) feel bad or concerned about me because of it. i want her to think i'm fine and can handle things.

Troy - that is a good idea. i will have to remember that. and usually i could say that i was having a flashback. but since this was the making of a tape, i could talk. make any sense? harder to explain when the moment has passed.

thanks all.

[Troy]

You said the key phrase there, Kiya ... "harder to explain when the moment has passed."

Be careful on the edge of that abyss.

Troy

[Kiya]

thanks - i am. i do think the meds are helping. i know i would have SIed by now. And i'm still functioning. so, small strides forward, i guess. lol i can't remember if i emailed t or not. i know i was working on one to her.... now i'll have to check my sent box.
Still no call from MD on the meds - i've been changing the dosage by myself since they made me too ill to move on monday.

(((((((Kiya)))))))))),
I'm thinking about you and hope you are doing okay.

[skeksi]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Kiya said:
and because i wasted her time in making it when i am supposed to have the courage to stop and tell her. it reflects on me and i just can't..

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

I know this feeling. Please understand that courage has nothing to do with it, as hard as that is to believe. When we get triggered, we shut down, our bodies and minds go into survival mode. It's much, much harder to do things like tell someone to stop, because that's the nature of being triggered-you feel like you did when the abuse happened, like you were powerless to stop it. It's not the easiest thing to change, no matter how hard you want to.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
... besides with her being gone i don't want her to (possibly) feel bad or concerned about me because of it. i want her to think i'm fine and can handle things.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Why is that important to you? What does it mean if she knows you couldn't handle this one thing? (Please note that I'm probing, curious, not trying to sound attacking!) Besides, it seems to me you ARE handling it, though it's really hard. You were triggered, and you reached out, and you're trying to find ways to get through it. Can you see the strengths you've displayed?

[Kiya]

"Can you see the strengths you've displayed? "

ummmm i guess so... i dunno on the rest.
yeah, i was feeling like i did when the abuse happened. i felt i couldn't talk at all. i felt guilty for needing something different. i felt stopping the tape would be bad and felt bad for taking up her time. i just had to bear it, get it over with so i could get out of there so she wouldn't know.

i didn't want her to feel sorry for upsetting me
i didn't want her to feel put upon by my needs
i didn't want her to know i was triggered and going into a week without her help.

[Kiya]

I don't know why this one keep coming back at random times. i know i've posted about it before so i won't again...
like still pictures of it reach out of the abyss and into my mind. but just reaching out so that i keep breaking the cycle of silence and isolation.

[Typo]

(((Kiya)))

[Kiya]

thanks (((((((((((((silver))))))))))))) !!

[Troy]

<font color="blue">
I know this feeling. Please understand that courage has nothing to do with it, as hard as that is to believe. When we get triggered, we shut down, our bodies and minds go into survival mode. It's much, much harder to do things like tell someone to stop, because that's the nature of being triggered-you feel like you did when the abuse happened, like you were powerless to stop it. It's not the easiest thing to change, no matter how hard you want to. </font>

Your comment helps me understand some of this. Thank you.
Troy

[Kiya]

grrrrrrrrrrrrr - and again last night - couldn't have the bed covers touching me. was starting to trigger badly. then today it hurt my skin to have clothes on - but what can one do? I know i was "in and out" at school today - small triggers make the mind wander... and this one teacher dude - i was ready to smack him! He kept slugging me on the shoulder and saying how kids just don't want to work, and calling all the kids "honey, sweety, sweetheart..." and talking to them like dogs... "Good GIRRRRRRRRRRRRRRL!!" *PUKE*!

grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

[bchlyn]

i am sorry that you were so triggered... i hope that you were able to keep yourself safe... or as safe as possible... take gentle care...lyn

[Kiya]

ty lyn. i'm ok. safe. urgers are there but gel coated. or lexapro coated. today royally sucks... didn't get called for work. can't seem to get my loan. can't get ins back, can't get out of bed - what's the point!? took an hour for a service to be canceled.... i need things to turn around, get better. go right. no more triggers, no more crap. called t about ins - they said "i want you to go to your appnt". i don't know if i was relieved or not. i'm ready to give up and stop caring. ready to stop trying to make things better. ready to hibernate until next.... year? life? till things go right.