Need help getting over mentally cruel stepmother

Hello. Please forgive the length of this post, I just found this site, and I have needed to get this off my chest for years. I apologize if it sounds whiny, I know there are people here with much worse problems, I just want somewhere to finally say these things.

I am a 25 year old married woman, and I am still dealing with some issues from my childhood. My parents divorced when I was a baby, and I lived with my father due to the fact that my mother didn't want a child. My father remarried when I was young. My stepmother was the disiplinarian of the family. From the beginning, it was obvious she didn't love me. She would say things to me like "If I had a daughter, I'd buy her this" or "If I had a daughter I'd do this with her" etc... As i got older, she began telling me that I was so weird she didn't understand how anyone would want to be my friend. She would accuse me of doing something I didn't do, just so she would have an excuse to punish me. She would taunt me until I cried, then tell me I was such a crybaby, no one would ever like me. She made me eat dinner in a seperate room from her and my father, saying that she didn't get to see him all day, and that they needed time together. I was a "daddy's girl" growing up, and she made sure that didn't last long. When I was 10 years old she told me I was too old to continue hugging my father goodnight. She attempted to keep me away from him at all times, she wanted him all to herself. She would buy nice, expensive clothing for herself, and dress me in Kmart styles, stating she didn't have the money to buy me anything better. When I was in 2nd grade she cut off all my hair, and made me look like a little boy. She said I wasn't smart enough to take care of long hair, and she didn't have the time to fool with it. In high school, I was not allowed to go anywhere with my friends, or date. I had a 40 hour a week job for the last two years of high school, so I didn't have a lot of extra time. I was happy to get away from my stepmother. She wouldn't allow me to date, yet asked if I was a lesbian because no boys called me. They knew not to call because I wasn't allowed to talk to them. As silly as it may be, there is one thing she said to me as I was growing up that really bothered me. She once said to me I was so skinny I looked like I had AIDs. Try being a gawky teenager and hearing that from your parental figure, it really doesn't do much to the self esteem. lol

When I was married a couple years ago, she suddenly turned into a different person. She wanted to help with the wedding, and now all she can talk about is how much she wants a grandbaby. I have tried to be nice to her. I have never confronted her about the way she treated me growing up. But I still think about it. There are many things that happened that I haven't mentioned here. I feel as though I still act like a 13 year old, ackward and weird. I feel as though people think I am anorexic looking and strange. I cannot get her words out of my head. I am a very anxious person, and I have no close women friends. I simply don't trust women. I want to go to therapy, but cannot afford it. I am a college student, and called the campus mental health counselling area, but they say they are booked up through the beginning of the year with their 'regular" clients, and cannot take on anyone new. I have other issue, but will make a seperate post about them.

Any ideas on how I can get over this? As i said above, I know it isn't nearly as bad as many people have had it, but it is something that bothers me. Thank you for reading.

Avaa,

I think what your mother did to you was horrible, and very damaging. You deserve to have someone hear that and there is no need to minimize what happened to you. We understand here.

I hope you can find a therapist. It would be really good for you!

In the meantime, you can always share things on here. And don't worrry about if you think that what you went through was not a big deal. A lot of us feel that way about our own painful experiences.

*safe hugs* if you want them. I hope you will post again, and let us get to know you.

Angela

Good morning, Avaa,

I'm glad you are here, please don't apologize, when I read your letter, I was so glad that you posted it. Cruelty is cruelty, and it is damaging whether it comes from someone's mouth or actions.

It took me a long time for me to work out my issues with my mother - and I too feel very strange when I am around her. I have to really hang onto who I understand myself to be so that I don't fall into that role she would so love for me to play. It took a long time for me to really learn who I really am as opposed to who she thought I was. I learned in that process that I am really someone I can be proud of. I learned that her putting me into that box of who she defined me as - kept her safe for some reason. I'm still not sure why, and frankly that's none of my business. But I know that I am not that box, I'm much more. Much of this was discovered in therapy. And all of it was accompanied by a lot of patience. The damage that she did to you didn't happen all in one day, it won't resolve all in one day. My therapist helped me to see that I could really enjoy the life I was making for myself - and work on the issues with my mother a little at a time as I was ready and able to do so. It happened just like that. The neat thing is that my mother has not changed. I changed. For the much better!! And I'm at peace. I hope you find the same.

Beth

Thank you for your comments.

Hi Avaa,

I have read your letter over twice. You have suffered from what I call 'rubbishing', and you have been very strong to get through it. It is the persistent nature of this cruelty, when we are looking for love and approval, that messes so many young people up.

I think that a counsellor would be really helpful for you, and it will probably take a long time for you to accept just how deep this hurt goes.

As for your stepmother being a changed person, I would feel uncomfortable about that. I can sense the manipulation even through your one post (the thing about the 'grandbabies'). Polite but cautious would be my advice. I know I'm cynical, having been in this type of situation myself, but sometimes you have to be firm with people who haven't earned your respect.

I hope that you have a lovely future, and some happy children. It's your life now, and I think you'll be a good parent because you know the importance of kindness and tolerance, learned the hard way. That's how it was for me, and my daughter is my best friend. I have learned so much from letting her grow up the way she wanted to.

Good luck, Myzen

Maybe it's a step-parent thing, I don't know. I was one and I sucked at it (tho not to that extent), and I have a step-dad that even now I still am uncomfortable with, and he's been around for 30+ years. I sure hope you can get the help you need now rather than having to wait so long like I did. Sorry I have no words of advice or encouragement, but I can hook you up with one of these big, cheesy smileys . Hang in there, kid. We're all pulling 4U.
KRD

I'm WAY familiar with the evil step mother thing. I called mine The Wicked Witch of the West. Her thing was to show me in every possible how much she loved her own children and how much she detested everything about me. I was Cinderella, but ugly. Really makes for some lovely memories.

Now she's an old coot and I just smile and nod over the occasional cup of coffee. No sense in bringing up the past, but I can't pretend it didn't happen. And she's basically the same unhappy person now. It's sad really.

I'm sorry you've had to deal with so much. Please go ahead and get on that waiting list for therapy at school. The new year will be here before you know it. Working in therapy is, imho, the best way to deal with the awful emotional abuse you lived with.

Please take care. emmy

Thanks for sharing.

I am 39 years old and still suffer from the job my step mom did on me. I just started to realize this recently and have decided to deal with it.

The worst part of it was that my father seemed to be even more abusive sometimes.

Actually after reading the above posts, I already feel better because I have evidence that Step Parents ACTUALLY ARE like that and it wasn't me.

My step mother did the classical move of speak THE WROLD of me behind my back, while "reminding" people that I was damaged due to my mother leaving. Then she would treat me like trash in private and show compassion (in front of family) in answer to my outbursts, which she would cause by saying certain things.

Basically; they are the true definition of the word witch. The reason they are so successful is that they are playing us as little children in game that we have absolutely no hope in understanding.
Even family members who understand exactly what is going on and have pity can do nothing to help.

I now recall how some family members would look at me with sorrow as my step mom would speak to me abusively.

While I am happy to have found this page, I am sorry if I seem confused in my expression.
I became emotional reading these posts

My basic message is that I am happy not to be alone and already feel better. Also I would like to remind you all that you also are not alone.

I have to say that as a Step mother myself I have a great relationship with my step daughters and my own step mother is more supportive of me than my own mother. My own mother emotionally abused me all my life, lied, criticised etc. I can no longer have contact with her and I would rather die than subject any child to that! So no step parents ARE NOT like that (abusive) some step parents ARE as are some bio parents. It's horrible to be abused by a parent I know and would advise a good therapist and also assessment for PTSD. If we are to end stigma of all kinds such as for mental illness then we should also help to end stigma against step parents. At the end of the day it's the individual who is an abuser, not the role

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Hi Avaa

One word: Deplorable.


I liked the term Myzen used to describe your abuse: ‘rubbishing’. As some people have said it would be a good idea to get into therapy somehow as you need a professional to help you go through the journey of healing, it’s hard to do that alone. Avaa your step-mother’s behaviour towards you was deplorable and very cruel in the things she said to you. I would describe the things she said to you as evil. We don’t have to get into religion here to use that word, simply by her behaviour and words it is justified to use that word. Saying things like you have AIDS because you were skinny or denying love from your father when you wanted a hug. All these things amount to severe psychological abuse but unfortunately you may not be able to have her charged unless I think there was sexual abuse. But this is determined by which country or state you live in.


I had a birth mother which is just as bad who terrorised me in every way. If it wasn’t enough that she abused me, she then got her daughters (my sisters) to do her bidding. I’m not on speaking terms at the moment with my mother due to what she did. As part of my healing journey I need distance (emotionally and physically) from her. I have also confronted her in the past but this achieved nothing. You may want to try these strategies at some point to regain your internal power. Sometimes confronting an abuser may make them realise their sins towards you. But as other people have said, getting a good therapist will allow you to start to heal from a traumatic childhood.


Good luck.


Peace

PH