[deliquesce]

it was my idea?

my memories of what happened are dream-like. but i have one very distinct memory where i asked dad to kiss me like adults do. he said only adults do that but i told him i wouldn't tell mum. i knew if we did it that he would love me more, so i kept demanding it until he did it. it wasn't traumatic, just gross. i dont think we did it again.

i am not angry or upset about it, it was my idea, after all. i was in control the whole time, so it was ok. i feel guilty about making dad do that, though. i was such a demanding little ****.

but i think - the other stuff (that i'm not even sure really happened) - maybe i encouraged that too? or maybe, it didn't happen at all, because who would want to kiss her father if they did something that was horrible?

[cantstopcrying]

Sweety, dad was the adult...demanding or not it was up to him to say no 1000 times or more if needed. Your dad was the one who should have been in control, not you. At your insistance, he should have seen as a sign to get you help--obviously there were issues you needed to talk about. IMO, your dad should never have 'given in'.

[deliquesce]

dad is a good person, i think he always just wanted to make his little girl happy and not say 'no'. i'm not angry at him, i think, he didn't hurt me.

i just wish the other stuff would go away.

thank you so much for replying to my post, cantstopcrying. it means so much that someone took the time to respond.

[pegasus]

No child can be blamed for being abused ever.

((((((((((( deliquesce )))))))))))

[imapatient]

Originally Posted by deliquesce

it was my idea?

my memories of what happened are dream-like. but i have one very distinct memory where i asked dad to kiss me like adults do. he said only adults do that but i told him i wouldn't tell mum. i knew if we did it that he would love me more, so i kept demanding it until he did it. it wasn't traumatic, just gross. i dont think we did it again.

i am not angry or upset about it, it was my idea, after all. i was in control the whole time, so it was ok. i feel guilty about making dad do that, though. i was such a demanding little ****.

but i think - the other stuff (that i'm not even sure really happened) - maybe i encouraged that too? or maybe, it didn't happen at all, because who would want to kiss her father if they did something that was horrible?

Kids ask for things all the time that their parents don't/won’t give them. And they don't because they think it wouldn't be good, would be bad or harmful, or other reasons (don’t have the money, etc.).

Did he do everything you ever wanted?

Kids want to have sex with their parent(s)--on some level, yet most parents don't do it.

You're not bad for wanting it or doing it. You want what you want and you ask for it. That goes on throughout life. But he should have recognized that it would be harmful for you. He shouldn't have done or wanted it--he was the adult who should've reconciled the idea that something like that, whatever his or your urges to the contrary, would be disastrous for both of you.

Bottom line: Wanting something and asking for it as a kid isn't bad or uncommon (it happens every day); it's up to the adult to maintain the boundaries, not the kid. He violated an enormous boundary, whatever his motivations were.

[Bellax3]

Sigmond Frued is considered to be the founder of psychology. He has a theory that every child goes through a stage where they have sexual feelings for the parent of the opposite sex. Another theory of his is that there are three parts of personality.

The ID- What young children have. They want what they want when they want it. A three year old child has no problem walking up to someone and taking something they want.

The EGO - the part that considers the id and the super ego, and finds a middle ground. Like, the kid will ask for the cookie first.

The super ego- the part that will ignore their own feelings and urges to conform to society. The child will ignore their desire for the cookie.

You where a little kid. Your dad should have used his superego for your own good. You where acting through the id-which is normal for a kid.

your dad hurt you, and he shouldn't have. it is hard to see that what he did was wrong, but it was wrong. You where the child, he was the adult.It wasn't your fault.

[deliquesce]

thank you pegasus, and imapatient, and bellax .

i wanted to tell my pdoc about this, but now if you say it is wrong, then maybe i shouldn't tell because i dont want pdoc thinking my dad is a bad person. he is good and he tries his best. it's ok if pdoc thinks i'm dirty but i don't want him to think bad things about my dad . my dad was only doing what i asked. if i didnt ask, it would never have happened.

[madisgram]

Originally Posted by deliquesce

it's ok if pdoc thinks i'm dirty but i don't want him to think bad things about my dad . my dad was only doing what i asked. if i didnt ask, it would never have happened.

deli, i don't believe your pdoc thinks of you as "dirty"... and for my 2 cents worth, i don't think you are either!! people that are abused take on the ownership of the guilt when in fact they are not guilty of anythig! the abuser is the guilty party.
when you mentioned that thing about your dad..jme, but i agree with some of the other posts, he should have stood his parental ground,and not kissed you that way. i know you love your dad. that's a good thing. but jme, i think he should have not done that to you. it's a confusing message to a child...but don't hold back with your pdoc...he needs to know what went on in your life regardless. he won't be taking measure of your dad so much as he wants to help you get better.

[pachyderm]

Originally Posted by deliquesce

i wanted to tell my pdoc about this, but now if you say it is wrong, then maybe i shouldn't tell...

Different people have different ideas about what is wrong. I did not think I got enough information about what your father actually did to decide "right" or "wrong" -- so if you really want to tell your doc, then maybe you should.

[pegasus]

Originally Posted by deliquesce

thank you pegasus, and imapatient, and bellax .

i wanted to tell my pdoc about this, but now if you say it is wrong, then maybe i shouldn't tell because i dont want pdoc thinking my dad is a bad person. he is good and he tries his best. it's ok if pdoc thinks i'm dirty but i don't want him to think bad things about my dad . my dad was only doing what i asked. if i didnt ask, it would never have happened.

((((((( deliquesce ))))))))

A child will love the caregiver/abuser no matter what. You are taking on board the guilt as many children do and it carries on into adulthood. Please share what you can with your Pdoc, he wants to help you.

[deliquesce]

thank you pegasus and pachyderm and madisgram.

i found an online counselling thingy in our state today - it's a rape crisis centre, and so i asked them if what dad did was wrong. the lady was very nice about it, and she said that she didnt think he did the right thing. and she gave me some numbers i could call and places i could go to where they have counselling and stuff, so i dont have to tell pdoc if i dont want to, because i dont want him to be angry at me. she said she didnt think pdoc would be angry at me, but she knew the other places wouldn't be, so maybe i could talk to them.

so now i have their number and i might give them a call. thank you all so much for replying and helping me .

[Lee ann]

I'm sorry to hear you have to deal with this. I understand not wanting to tell your doctor. It phsycially hurts to even come close with my doctor. I feel like I'm having a heart attack. But its also easy for me to tell you to tell your doctor because I do want to see you get better and despite the intial weridness you feel when you admit something to your therapist I think it feels more "undirty" after you've talked about it. I don't think your therapist will consider anything you have to say as "bad" or "good". People have manys sides to them. Its just not that black and white. Hopefully, not only does your doctor have a good educational background but I've come to find that most of them have really thought out philosophizes (sorry my spelling sucks). I hope my two cents helps!
Lee ann

[deliquesce]

than you, sweetie. what you said about people being more than just "bad" or "good" helps. my pdoc has said that to me in the past, too. also, you are right - i have told my doc some things in the past and afterwards have felt a lot better about it. thank you so much for your post - it is definitely worth a lot more than 2 cents! welcome to PC, btw. xo deli

[imapatient]

Originally Posted by deliquesce

thank you pegasus, and imapatient, and bellax .

i wanted to tell my pdoc about this, but now if you say it is wrong, then maybe i shouldn't tell because i dont want pdoc thinking my dad is a bad person. he is good and he tries his best. it's ok if pdoc thinks i'm dirty but i don't want him to think bad things about my dad . my dad was only doing what i asked. if i didnt ask, it would never have happened.

Still, you didn't make your dad do anything.

It doesn’t mean your dad was bad. He did a bad thing, or unwise, or dysfunctional, or inappropriate, etc. Maybe he never did it again. Maybe he was a great or good dad in many ways.

I suffered sexual abuse form my mother. I know she was a well-intentioned person who only wanted the best for me, but she didn't know how to act consist with those feelings about being the best parent possible. She was very mentally ill, alcoholic, and had had a horrible childhood. I'm not dirty, she wasn't dirty, she wasn’t bad, she was very sick and not in control of her behavior at times. But I've still had to deal with the results of her behavior as it contributed to making me who I am.

You had an innocent request. I don't think it's uncommon for kids to be curious about that. But despite no bad intentions on your part or your father's part, you still have to deal with what happened. I can't imagine any mental health pro thinking poorly of you for what happened. You did nothing wrong.

[deliquesce]

thank you, imapatient. i have this sense of overwhelming gratitude to you for you having written that and shared a part of your story here.

i think a part of my reluctance about bringing this up with any professional is that i still live with my parents. i'm studying at uni and can't afford to move out. they are good people and try their best. i'm scared that if i tell someone, that person will keep telling me that i have to move out, move out, move out. i guess a part of me is conditioned to think that no one will like me unless i do what they say - so i'm scared that if i don't move out i will lose the support of my therapists.

all of this is very confusing to me . i wish i'd never embarked upon this "processing the past" track.

[multipixie9]

dear d,

my answer to your initial question is no. it is not a child's fault if they ask for an inappropriate thing and the parent gives it to them. you did not really know what you were asking for because you were a child. your dad knew about sex and married intimacy and should have said no - i'm sorry my dear, but dads and daughters can't kiss like grown ups, it doesn't work that way. dads can kiss daughters and i love you and here is how i kiss you as your dad - kiss, hug, now lets go read a book or swing on your swing outside. a healthy parent gives short answers appropriate to the child's age and then distracts them with another fun activity.

because you still live at home i can see why you would want to be careful how you handled these memories you have. until you can afford to support yourself you do not want to get into a situation that can cause huge tension or destructive problems and awkwardness in the home. on some level though, you are bothered by your memories and will need to resolve them somehow. like you mentioned maybe you can call some of the numbers given to you and speak confidentially with someone who is trained to help and will not demand you do something like confront your father. - i do not mean to suggest that your T or pDoc would demand you do something you do not wish to do. i hope you can find a way to lay the past to rest and get it out of the way of your life now. all the best!

leslie and her pixie chicks

[deliquesce]

thank you leslie. the word "inappropriate" helps. i used to ask for lots of things (or try them without asking ) and i guess my parents used to try to stop me from those (e.g. sticking my finger in the wall socket). "inappropriate" is a good word... it feels less scary than "abuse" does, and also stops the blame from sitting on me.