[K2TOG]

"She's Got A Big Butt" That's what I heard a little boy say to his mom today at the grocery store today. I'm not upset with the little boy or what he said. It is true I have a big butt and I'm overweight. I am angry with myself. I'm a fat ugly pig and I'm disgusted with myself. Why can't I lose weight and be an average size woman? I'm so ashamed of what I have done to my body.

I have tried dieting, diet pills, exercising, starving myself, counseling, OA, WW and reading self help books. Nothing sinks in. Weight loss surgery is not an option because that is only a bandaid for the problem. Besides I have seen a few people who have lost a lot of weight after surgery and they have sagging skin.

One of my bad habits is eating while watching TV. I would say I am addicted to TV especially on weekends. I am married but very lonely. My husband and I don't share a bedroom anymore for a variety of reasons and there is no intimacy in our marriage. I guess I use food and TV as a substitute husband and to fill the void of loneliness. I'm not a bringer. I don't eat a bag of chips or box of cookies in one sitting. I just make poor choices and have little self control.

I am posting this in the Women-Focused Support because I want a woman's point of view and advice. As a woman being overweight I feel worthless and have virtually no self esteem. I hate myself and what I have done to myself.

Do you think people look at an overweight woman differently? Like she is less of a person? Sometimes I feel like I don't even matter as a person. Does that make sense?

[K2TOG]

P.S. This took a lot of courage for me to share this. I have not shared all my feelings with my counselor because I'm so ashamed of myself.

[unaluna]

Yeah i hear ya. kim kardashian would kill for my butt. Not for my waist tho. I am just trying really hard to be consistent. I am counting down weeks to my high school reunion - i think this is week 25 or 24 - i know i dont want to get to week 20 without some results. I really dont want to say which reunion!! Matthew Maconaughey says he breaks a sweat every day. I can break a sweat just folding half a load of laundry, so i am trying to make it a habit to break several sweats every day. And be accountable to my therapist.

[Raindropvampire]

I'm very overweight but for some reason I just accepted it. My sister was also overweight but not as big as me but had so many problems with self esteem and self worth. My heart breaks that there are people out there that judge another person's worth by their waist size and that there are people who take those judgments to heart and devalue themselves.

I truly believe a person can be beautiful at any size. I'm sorry for the pain this is causing you.

[LiteraryLark]

I got used for sex because I had a big butt. He basically told me he only wanted me because I gained so much weight since high school.

My best friend commented on how huge my butt is too.

In a couple days I should be receiving SkinnyMint, a detox tea for people my age. There are a lot of users who post their before and after pictures and their stories and they look great. Some people are super active and some people have no diets and lost a lot of weight. It's a 28-day detox and I bought double. It's expensive, but hopefully worth it.

[norwegianwoman]

I think you have a point of being seen as less as a person - subconsciously or not, our culture (and, possibly, biology) has us wired to revere beauty in a woman, as a virtue. As if it was their own doing. Society is extremely look-focused and especially on women, to the point where people feel they have a right to comment on strangers' bodies on youtube videoes or whatever because it is as though they have stopped seeing women's bodies as theirs, and started seeing it as something that belongs to society. In my opinion this is also very visible in the abortion debate, where some people clearly see women's bodies first and foremost as a vessel to carry children (but that is another debate not suited for this thread). You have Facebook groups where people can comment on the bodies of girls down to the age of 12-13. A sex focused and look focused culture where women are the central object, although men are also more and more becoming objectified as those who have long made money of making women feel bad about themselves so they feel an urge to buy a certain product, are starting to see the same potential market amongst men.

This is getting off track, but the point is that I do believe a lot of people look down on a woman who is not taking care of herself and who is not pretty because society puts such a high weight on it. So I don't think you are imagining that some people see you as less of a person.

[K2TOG]

Originally Posted by LiteraryLark

I got used for sex because I had a big butt. He basically told me he only wanted me because I gained so much weight since high school.

Really? Did you date him and have a real relationship or was it just sexual?

[K2TOG]

Originally Posted by norwegianwoman

I think you have a point of being seen as less as a person - subconsciously or not, our culture (and, possibly, biology) has us wired to revere beauty in a woman, as a virtue. As if it was their own doing. Society is extremely look-focused and especially on women, to the point where people feel they have a right to comment on strangers' bodies on youtube videoes or whatever because it is as though they have stopped seeing women's bodies as theirs, and started seeing it as something that belongs to society. In my opinion this is also very visible in the abortion debate, where some people clearly see women's bodies first and foremost as a vessel to carry children (but that is another debate not suited for this thread). You have Facebook groups where people can comment on the bodies of girls down to the age of 12-13. A sex focused and look focused culture where women are the central object, although men are also more and more becoming objectified as those who have long made money of making women feel bad about themselves so they feel an urge to buy a certain product, are starting to see the same potential market amongst men.

This is getting off track, but the point is that I do believe a lot of people look down on a woman who is not taking care of herself and who is not pretty because society puts such a high weight on it. So I don't think you are imagining that some people see you as less of a person.

Thanks for the response Norwegianwoman. I am disgusted about they way society views a woman's looks, but I take full responsibility for my weight. I have started exercising again and am going to work really hard at making healthier choices and watch less TV. It's a lifestyle change.

The only way I could ever be a size 0 or 2 is to starve myself and exercise excessively. I am not built to be that tiny, but I am also not built to be a size 18-20. I really want to make some positive changes and feel better about myself. I want to be able to wear shorts and sleeves shirts again.

Thanks for listening.

Y'know, kids who are taught no manners really piss me off. They should learn that its not acceptable to say that in public about ANYONE. Try not to take it too badly, sometimes kids just say stuff for effect.

[K2TOG]

Originally Posted by 8888an8888

Y'know, kids who are taught no manners really piss me off. They should learn that its not acceptable to say that in public about ANYONE. Try not to take it too badly, sometimes kids just say stuff for effect.

He is only 3 or 4 so I took it as out of the mouths of babes. But the mom did not say anything. Maybe she did later.

[LiteraryLark]

Originally Posted by K2TOG

Really? Did you date him and have a real relationship or was it just sexual?

Does it matter?

[JadeAmethyst]

The olden days it was not ok to have any curves, but today I see lots of women being more healthy and happy in their own skin. Honestly, I have done the whole diet, don't diet, exercise everything. I understand and can relate to body image and so on. As I have gotten older and watch my daughter and her girls....I just wonder WTH? We want to look and feel our best without the artificiality....be you, be fabulously you, curves, bumps bruises, scars and all...the most beautiful women simply look the same on the inside...a heart that beats, a bright mind, and courage...all those traits you have.
Jade

[Homeira]

I am a bit overweight, my breast sag, big butt, strech-marks, never seem to be able to find the right haircut, I am a red-head and my skin is always pale and freckled... all these things I dont like about myself. But strangely enough I am told by guys that they like my body because it is feminine, and they find my strech-marks to be sweet since they show that I am a mom and that I should be proud of them. (single girls date, that would be me). And while it is true that some people seem to think it is ok to look down on overwheight people, just think about all the ones that dont! A lot of people are a lot more into a good personality and a good attitude than what size you wear. And the ones that are judgemental, well, you dont need them nor their opinions! Have you checked out pictures of full-size models? (I dont mean in a sexual way). Look it up on the internet, and see what gorgeous women they are. They wear clothes that fit their body-type, and they are clearly very sexy. And as for losin weight: please dont do it to lose some sizes and please society around you. If you decide to loose weight, do it for your health. Too much weight is not good for your body in the long run. So if you want to lose weight, then do it for the right reason, namely for you and your health.

Sorry to hear that. I've had a few nasty men tell me that I'm a cow a few times. A few women were more indirect by giving me the once over and asking me if I was pregnant. Needless to say, I gave them all a tongue lashing that they'll never forget! It's like you're not even human anymore once people see you as being fat.

Anyways, starving yourself won't work. You need to eat healthier food and drink lots of water, and get 8 hours of sleep a night. Avoid all forms of white foods and sugar in all forms. Don't drink diet soda or eat processed foods.

Look up low glycemic foods. Eat those. Don't skip meals. Go for walks and lift weights. When you get toned, you'll loose fat and burn more calories. Buy some weights or join a gym. Do interval training to speed up fat loss. Get a food scale and measure everything that you eat. Use a paper bowl or plate to put the food on, or a paper towel.

What is the Glycemic Index?

Use an app to track your caloric intake, and list down everything that you eat, including gum. Don't eat more than 1200-1300 calories a day. If you stop eating white carbs and sugar, you WILL loose weight eventually! Stay away from fruit juice and dried fruits as they're to full of sugar! Avoid jams and any food with more than 7 grams of sugar in it per serving. Also, avoid honey, maple syrup, artificial sweeteners, etc...It's OK to use stevia, xlyitol, agavae nectar (it's high in calories though).

I was able to loose 35lbs. in a few months by doing this. At my heaviest, I was 205lbs. now I'm between 168-172lbs. which is still way to heavy for my 5'4 frame. I used to be a size 4 and 6 at my thinnest, ugh! Eat lean meats like fish, chicken, grass fed beef, eggs, low fat dairy products, fresh veggies, fresh fruits, whole grains like steel cut oatmeal, quinoa, brown rice, lentils, and good fats like olive oil, nuts, and avocado. Drink lemon water in the morning with some cayenne pepper in it to boost metabolism, drink green tea, eat spicy food, and use cinnamon to lower the glycemic index load in foods like oatmeal.

Eat 5 to 6 small meals and snacks a day. Eat lots of fiber. Don't eat past 7p.m. Don't drink alcohol. You should see results in a few months if you're consistent. If not, get your thyroid checked.

[ChipperMonkey]

Yes, people do indeed look at overweight women differently.

A few years ago I lost a lot of weight very quickly. People no longer recognized me and i was getting loads of attention for the first time in my life.

It made me sick.

I finally realized how shallow society is.

I realize that slow weight loss or gain wouldn't cause such a stir as one's own psyche would be able to adjust slowly to the change. But an overnight difference? Whoa. You can see the difference in how you're treated, and yes, its pretty disgusting.

It freaks me out to this day. I have had guys tell me that they wouldn't date me if I didn't look the way that I do. It does a number on my mind, I think that I am only wanted because I now look good.

Society is shallow, and its disgusting. If I could, I'd go back to the way things were, blissfully ignorant. Blah.

[Homeira]

This is so true! I resent being valued based on my appearance. I dont want to play into that at all. But I guess I fall for that myself once in a while. Life has taught me not to be judgemental, since I have always had body-issues, and I know that a person who is overweight is fighting quite a battle. I have had periods in my life when I have been "skinny" and quite toned, but after I got sick, all that went out the window... I remember when I had a pretty severe period of depression, and I basically stopped eating. I lost so much weight that my family and my doc was worried. But people who did not know what was wrong, gave me compliments about how great I looked being so skinny. So there is always a reason. A depression plays out differently for different people. Some people put on weight then, some people put on weight based on meds and illness, etc. And if one have an unhealthy lifestyle that is really hard to change, for a lot of reasons.

[K2TOG]

Thank you all for responding and sharing. I would like to find a happy medium with my weight and improve my overall health without extreme dieting or strict rules.

At some point I have to give up caring how society views me for being overweight and just be happy with me.

Originally Posted by ChipperMonkey

Yes, people do indeed look at overweight women differently.

A few years ago I lost a lot of weight very quickly. People no longer recognized me and i was getting loads of attention for the first time in my life.

It made me sick.

I finally realized how shallow society is.

I realize that slow weight loss or gain wouldn't cause such a stir as one's own psyche would be able to adjust slowly to the change. But an overnight difference? Whoa. You can see the difference in how you're treated, and yes, its pretty disgusting.

It freaks me out to this day. I have had guys tell me that they wouldn't date me if I didn't look the way that I do. It does a number on my mind, I think that I am only wanted because I now look good.

Society is shallow, and its disgusting. If I could, I'd go back to the way things were, blissfully ignorant. Blah.

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Wow, I can't believe that guys have told you what they did! What pigs! That is disgusting! I too was treated a bit differently when I was thinner. I would get attention from some guys, and at times they were aggressive with their sexual advances, ugh!

Other times I think that I got hired for jobs with male interviewers since they probably liked the way that I looked, ugh! Then I got sexually harassed at a few places, but it wasn't more severe than one jerk who roughly grabbed my arm in front of everyone, WTH?

I can't believe that both men and women have dared to call me fat and ugly names like I'm a cow to my face. It's not as if they were models to begin with! I'd never say such mean things to anyone. Now that I'm heavy, hardly any guy looks at me twice anymore, but that's OK with me as I don't want or need that kind of attention.

[Homeira]

What makes us beautiful is strength, courage, pride, kindness and a good heart. A person who walks through life with that will always be beautiful in my eyes.

I'm overweight, I weigh the most I ever have. I'm also addicted to TV and love to eat while watching it. It is starting to take its toll on me... my job is physically demanding and I'm limping around all the time. I'm now in the process of getting healthier. I've lost a bit of weight so far. Small steps have worked for me. First cutting out pop for everyday consumption and trying to lower my sugar intake as a whole. I try to concentrate on introducing healthy foods instead of eliminating unhealthy foods. I have kept an ice cream day and a pizza day. I still watch TV but now I make myself get up during the commercials and lift weights, do sit ups or even just stretch.

Thank you for this thread. Thank you to all you lovely ladies for your great outlooks and suggestions!

Yeah I'm totally with you. I've struggled with my weight all of my life. I was doing well for awhile, and then my meds and poor eating habits did a number on my weight. I'm now back to being too big and I hate it. It's definitely one reason I don't go out. I'm just too embarrassed about my weight. You're question makes perfect sense to me. I've noticed that people don't even pay me any attention now that I've gained my weight back. My family makes jokes about how big I am and how I don't do anything. It pains me to have to admit to myself how I'm just fat. People joke about "no fat chicks." In my opinion, yes people look at big women differently by not looking at the at all

[smoothielover]

It seems like canceling your TV subscription would be a good place to start if you want to make a change. I haven't had TV in over 5 years and I love it! When you're not hypnotized by the TV for hours, you have a lot more time to do other stuff. Also, stop your snacking at the store! Eat a good, healthy meal before you go food shopping and you'll be less likely to grab sweets, chips and the like. It's a lot easier to say no to a cookie at the store than it is when you're bored, searching through the cabinets.
Also, have you and your husband gone to therapy? It seems like you guys really need to work on things. But I'll bet both of you want to make a positive change, even if it's really hard to do... Start small and be patient with yourself and your husband... I hope you can take charge of your life and your esteem! Try making a dream board, put beautiful pictures of places you would like to go, some clothing you've been eyeing, add your favorite flower or animal, put your goal weight in the middle in your favorite color! Don't put pictures of fake women from magazines on there though! You are a real woman!

[K2TOG]

Thank you everyone for responding. My husband would NEVER cancel our TV subscription. I have been getting better at watching less TV and doing more stuff around the house. My husband will not go to marriage counseling ever and I have asked over the years. He won't even go to a one day marriage enrichment retreat. All I can do is work on myself. I like the dream board idea. I have goals and am focusing on retirement even though that is a long way away.

[smoothielover]

Originally Posted by K2TOG

Thank you everyone for responding. My husband would NEVER cancel our TV subscription. I have been getting better at watching less TV and doing more stuff around the house. My husband will not go to marriage counseling ever and I have asked over the years. He won't even go to a one day marriage enrichment retreat. All I can do is work on myself. I like the dream board idea. I have goals and am focusing on retirement even though that is a long way away.

Maybe set a timer and allow yourself only 2 hours of TV? I know when one is watching TV it's easy to loose track of time, maybe if you set an alarm to go off, and listen to it it will help you. Then go for a short walk after your TV time! After one week of taking short walks, go a little further, then the next week, go a little further and so on. Instead of telling yourself, "I don't want to be seen", say "I am proud of myself for making a positive change". And I have to say, when I see people struggling with their weight and taking the initiative to take a walk or even jog, I am so proud of them! I say, "Good for you for making a positive change!"
I'm sorry your husband is resistant to working on the relationship, that makes things hard. It might be that it's just too painful for him to look at himself and accept the pain of being human. I'm glad you've accepted all you can do is work on yourself, because you can't change anyone else! And sometimes, when you work on yourself, your loved one will notice the change and be more willing to work on themselves(not guarantees though)

[kanasi]

Hi! Don't let the beauty industry get you down-- you're beautiful at any weight!

Even if a few extra pounds are affecting your health or happiness, please don't starve yourself-- not only does it feel bad, but it won't work! The number one way to feel and eat healthy is to avoid the cycle of brief insulin spikes and crashes.

The most efficient way to do that is probably to eliminate all processed/junk foods and eat "clean," but of course that's not always possible (or desirable). So if you're going to have a high insulin index food (most starches and sugars), try to *precede* it with a significant amount of protein (to release glucagon before insulin can block it), combine it with a salad (cellulose from leafy greans, and vinegar in your dressing will both reduce reduce overall glycemic index of a meal), or at the least have it with a good portion of healthy fats (to slow gastric emptying, and prevent a blood sugar crash and further hunger). If you're at all prone to reactive hypoglycemia, the salad part might be tricky though-- I've found I have to be careful with that one myself. (In my case it's okay if there's a significant amount of protein in there though.)

Ideally if you can, combine at least a small amount of healthy fat and protein with each meal or snack and you'll probably stay full for longer too. Personally, I've done the above and *increased* my overall fatty acid intake and I seem to have achieved a lower set-point weight without even exercising at all.