[Reallyhurting]

Hello,
I could really use some support right now and I am too embarrassed to talk to my friends. Yesterday afternoon I stumbled across a very explicit pornographic image on my husband’s computer. In a complete state of shock, I naively thought it must be an image he mistakenly downloaded from a joke email one of his friends sent him. I decided to reassure myself with this by checking his internet history, expecting to see hotmail at the time the image was downloaded. That was not the case. Instead there were google searches for images of "hot *****", "gorgeous *****", "hot brunette *****", (incidentally, I’m blonde he obviously wanted a change of scenery), followed by links he then clicked on to view several different explicit images.
For many women it would come as a very nasty shock to discover that their husbands have used pornography, but this was particularly awful for me as my husband knows how strongly I feel against his use of pornography when in a relationship. Several years ago, before we were engaged, he let it slip that he had used pornography since we had been together. I was extremely upset and shocked by this. For me personally, I feel that when you are in a committed relationship with someone, you should fulfill your sexual desires with that person and that person only and I see pornography as using another person to fulfill your sexual needs. Therefore to me, the use of pornography is a form of cheating; a lower level than actually having an affair with someone, but cheating nonetheless. Now, I totally understand that for many people pornography is considered completely natural and is even a healthy part of their relationship and I respect that. I don’t feel that I’m right and they’re wrong; if both partners in the relationship are comfortable with the use of pornography, then great. However for me it is incredibly hurtful to me and destructive to my relationship. I explained my feelings about this to him during our conversation and he said that whilst he didn’t see pornography that way, he now knew how much it hurt me and wouldn’t ever use it again.
After finding the image yesterday, I confronted my husband and initially he smiled, (he later said out of embarrassment), and then attempted to lie and say that the image must have been on his computer from years ago. I then asked him if he had viewed pornographic images since the birth of our baby who is nearly 6 months old, and he said he hadn’t. I knew that this was a lie and asked if he could promise me that he hadn’t. He went quiet then said that he couldn’t. It then came out that not only had he been using pornography since our baby was born, but that he had been using it throughout our relationship. He said that he stopped for about a year following the conversation I mentioned earlier, but then started again. The crazy thing is, that before our baby was born, we had an amazing sex life, we had sex several times a week and it was always very hot and passionate, and without wanting to sound big headed, men have always found me attractive and I’m sure my husband did too, so I have no idea why he would need to look at other women naked to fulfill him sexually.
Admittedly our sex life has taken a bit of nose dive since the birth of our baby, but that’s not for lack of effort on my part. Only four weeks after our baby was born, we tried to have sex as my husband was very horny. I couldn’t have been less horny personally – I was getting absolutely no sleep, I had recently gone through a 72 hour labour and gave birth naturally to a baby with a 37cm circumference head, so I could only imagine the damage that had been done! We had to abandon the first attempt as it was excruciating for me, but I tried again the week after and the week after that, at which point we managed it, but it was still incredibly painful. Even now, many months later, it is still very painful for me but I try to have sex with my husband once a week, so that his sexual needs are being met and to keep the intimacy between us. At the times that I haven’t been able to, or haven’t felt like having sex, I have offered take care of him with my hands, but he says he doesn’t like ejaculating into a tissue, so would rather wait until we have sex. Yet, this is exactly what he does when he was watching porn behind my back, so that doesn’t make any sense. My point in mentioning this is that I am doing everything I can to meet my husband’s sexual needs, probably unlike the majority of women, who totally understandably, wouldn’t be thinking much about this at all having just had a baby. The fact that I am putting this effort in despite the pain it causes me and it is still not good enough for him, is very hurtful and leaves me feeling incredibly inadequate, at a time that I am already feeling vulnerable. Added to this is the knowledge that my husband has actually been using porn throughout our relationship, despite the previous great sex life, which has made me realize that I have never actually fulfilled him sexually and therefore I never will. This is a very painful realization.
However, it is not the feelings of inadequacy that I am having the most trouble dealing with. It is the feelings of betrayal and the complete disregard for my feelings. As I said, I understand that people feel differently about pornography use, but to me it is a form of cheating and is completely disrespectful to the other person in the relationship. My husband knew my feelings, he promised not to do it again and he secretly went on doing it anyway. At a young age, I discovered that my Dad used pornography, and to be honest, I think it scarred me. The thought of it makes me feel physically sick and incredibly upset and my husband knew this, yet he continued doing it anyway. He’s put his desire to look at other women naked above me and our marriage.
Instead of being incredibly apologetic about this when I spoke to him, he almost got angry with me. Eventually he calmed down and said sorry, but it didn’t feel like a genuine apology, always countered with a “I’m sorry, but…”, excuse after excuse, making up a conversation we had a couple of years ago where I supposedly indicated that it was fine for him to look at porn, which I would never do, and then finishing it off with, “I’m sorry you’re upset”, as if it’s my own doing that I’m upset. After we had the argument, he avoided me for a bit, which was fine as I needed the space, but then when he sat down for dinner and could see that I had been in floods of tears, he didn’t seem overly bothered, he just reached over, stroked my arm a couple of times and said, “there, that feels better doesn’t it”. What?! How does that make things feel better? If anything it made it worse as it felt condescending and showed a complete lack of empathy towards me.
On top of this, not only did it appear that he was not overly bothered by how hurt I was, he also came dangerously close to offering me an ultimatum, let me watch porn, or end the marriage. He asked me what we were going to do about this, as if the idea of him not watching porn anymore, either hadn’t occurred to him or he’d considered and rejected it. What kind of a choice is that for me? Feel like my husband is cheating on me for the rest of my life, or end the marriage, leaving me without a husband and my precious baby without his father. What can I possibly do? He said that he had needs that must be met and if he can’t look at porn anymore something else must take its place. What can take its place? My libido has all but disappeared, hopefully only temporarily, and sex is incredibly painful for me, so once a week feels like the best I can do. I have offered to use my hands instead, but that’s not good enough.
He’s even been treating me like one of these women in porn recently and getting me to put myself in explicit positions, so that he can masturbate whilst looking at me. I have found this very uncomfortable, but I have felt that it is important for me to try and meet his sexual needs if I can. However, I have previously felt confused about him wanting to see me like this, it feels very explicit and I am clearly not comfortable with it, it feels like the sort of thing you would get a prostitute to do, not your wife, but it’s what he wants. Now however, I realize that this is how he is used to seeing women sexually. He said that before we were together he used to masturbate daily, I’m guessing with the help of pornography. Had he stopped using pornography when we got together, by now he probably wouldn’t want to see me in the same way as them, but given he has still been using it, he wants me to look like one of these tarts from the internet to get him off. He wants to use me like he uses them and that feels not only hurtful but very disrespectful. I have done this in the past for him, but now that I know that he is wanting me to be like the girls on the internet, I really don’t know how I can do it, it will feel so degrading. As it is, he feels I don’t do this enough for him, so what am I meant to do?
The fact that he is suggesting that he continues to use pornography, despite knowing how deeply upsetting this is for me, has been a complete shock. I don’t know what I was expecting, but it wasn’t that. He is actually normally very caring towards me, despite what it may sound like, and normally puts my needs first so, this has totally blindsided me. I cannot believe that he would even consider our marriage ending because he can’t view pornography. I would just not imagine in a million years that this is more important to him than me, our marriage and ultimately our son. Honestly, I just can’t believe it and am in a state of total shock. It is also really shocking me that he is showing no concern for how I am feeling right now, despite seeing how upset I have been. The whole of today he hasn’t once asked me how I am or if I want to talk about it, it’s like he doesn’t want to know how much I’m hurting and doesn’t want to accept that he has done anything wrong.
I feel so hurt that he has had such disregard for my feelings and has just gone ahead and pleased himself; I feel cheated on and betrayed that he would do this behind my back throughout our relationship, it has broken my trust which I don’t know how to get back; I feel like a total mug for being in the other room or another place looking after our baby, whilst he is masturbating as he looks at another woman’s vagina; and I feel overwhelmed with sadness that viewing pornography can in any way be as important to him as me and our beautiful son.
I don’t know where we go from here. I’ve been on a few websites supporting people going through the same thing and it has suggested counseling, which is perhaps something to try. I can’t imagine that anyone will still be reading this, it’s gone on so long (sorry!), but any words of support would be greatly appreciated. Even if there are no responses, I think just getting my feelings out there has been somewhat cathartic and if there is anyone going through a similar situation, hopefully it helps knowing that you are not alone.

[lowinmood]

I don't feel like he is cheating. I think this is normal in any relationship.

When I fall in love, I fall in love very deeply, and whilst I'm in honeymoon period, I am not attracted to anyone other than the one I love. But when I settle down with them, I recognise beauty in other people as well as the one I love, yet I have never cheated on anyone.

I used to hate my boyfriends watch porn and would get really upset and feel like they had cheated on me, and have split up with someone because of it. Then as time went by and began to realise many couples are okay with porn, I tried to relax more about it with other boyfriends, and when I relaxed about it, I found that they didn't have as much as a need to watch it as when I've protested firmly against it. In fact, in my latest relationship, it was me suggesting we watch some to spice it up a bit, and it was him that didn't want to leaving me a bit disappointed.

Real cheating is when someone falls in love or has an affair with someone else, when they prefer to spend more time with the other person in their life, when they begin to have feelings for them.

[Trippin2.0]

I don't really know what to say, I'm not a subscriber to the "visual cheating" school of thought even though I used to be against it in the past. But that's because I used to be really insecure and I thought it made me feel inadequate. Although in reality, I am the only one who made me feel that way. So I'm not judging anyone who is anti porn, everyone has their reason or season.

Actual cheating, I can assure you there'd probably be bloodshed, I kid you not....

Back to the topic at hand.


Looks like you and hubby have reached an impasse.

While it would be nice for you if he'd just bend to your will, that's probably not going to happen, not because he's disrespectful or doesn't care, but because your perceptions are completely different on this topic.... You can't fathom why, he can't fathom why not. Yes he understands you feel betrayed, but he doesn't get how. 1+1 is just not = 2 for either of you, and he's probably not bringing up the topic because he doesn't want to be forced into making empty promises.


Soooo, you may want to consider a compromise of sorts to save your marriage and keep both parties as happy as possible, because both of you matter, equally.

The one's wants does not trump the other's.

Maybe incorporate the old "don't ask don't tell" policy.


You both agree to drop the subject and you get to live in a world where porn was never created, and he keeps his computer spotless or there will be hell to pay.


Just seems like the most logical move forward because neither of you want this to be a deal breaker.


Make no mistake your husband was wrong, he was wrong to promise to stop prior to marriage and not keep that promise. Had you known then, you could've chosen not to marry someone with such a fundamentally differing POV.


If I could make another suggestion?

Have an objective discussion about porn. Ask him why, what and actually listen to his answers.


He may surprise you and give his assurance that its not a negative reflection of you or your marriage

[shezbut]

((((ReallyHurting))))

I can really empathize with you. I feel very strongly against secretly using porn, despite your discomfort with the idea. I hold very similar beliefs as well, personally. I can imagine how painful this is for you. We have our reasons for holding such strict policies, as many might think...but as long as we're upfront, and our men agree to our terms, WTH??!

You may want to start off by clearly talking with your hub about this issue again. Remind him of how hurt you feel because he supposedly understood how disturbing the thought was to you (back in 201-). If you are still both looking at the issue like you are now, then I believe seeing a therapist would be helpful for you both. You both need to work on understanding one another's perspective, gain some compassion for the other, and work towards coming to an agreement that you're both comfortable accepting.

Not an easy fix, unfortunately. But ~ it's not the end of the relationship either. Just a big challenge for you both to work through & make your marriage stronger.

Very best wishes to you, honey. Take care!

IMHO, every man and lots of women look at porn. No matter what their relationship or status.

I think it only a problem if someone prefers it to their real life partner.

[CopperStar]

I had two thoughts while reading your post, and I mean them both very gently, because I know you are hurting.

The first is that it sounds like you may not have a normal libido, yourself. The vast majority of people masturbate. Do you not masturbate, ever? If so, then you might be missing out on something wonderful, having not explored your own sexuality to the fullest. If no matter what, you just have no interest in masturbation and are cool with that, that is okay, but it is important to understand that for most people, masturbation is a prominent source of stress-relief. Orgasms with a loving partner and orgasms you give yourself pressure-free are different kinds of glorious, but both glorious none the less.

Which brings me to my second thought:

If you do masturbate, it's important to understand that men simply do not have the vast and awesome imaginative resources that we women do when it comes to masturbating. We can conjure up vivid fantasies in our minds, it's like having porn that nobody can ever find, and that will always be exactly how we want it to be down to every last detail, lucky us! Men however suck at concentrating while trying to masturbate, they sort of go into this zombie-like mode with it, so most of them need a video or picture to do the work for them, rather than imagining. Which of course means that they can wind up getting busted and embarrassed (not to mention they can wind up clicking on something thinking it's going to be great, and then see something horrific and lose their boner). But, in the end it's the same basic concept of getting off to some sexually stimulating material, whether in the imagination or on the computer screen.

[Pastel Kitten]

Originally Posted by CopperStar

I had two thoughts while reading your post, and I mean them both very gently, because I know you are hurting.

The first is that it sounds like you may not have a normal libido, yourself. The vast majority of people masturbate. Do you not masturbate, ever? If so, then you might be missing out on something wonderful, having not explored your own sexuality to the fullest. If no matter what, you just have no interest in masturbation and are cool with that, that is okay, but it is important to understand that for most people, masturbation is a prominent source of stress-relief. Orgasms with a loving partner and orgasms you give yourself pressure-free are different kinds of glorious, but both glorious none the less.

Which brings me to my second thought:

If you do masturbate, it's important to understand that men simply do not have the vast and awesome imaginative resources that we women do when it comes to masturbating. We can conjure up vivid fantasies in our minds, it's like having porn that nobody can ever find, and that will always be exactly how we want it to be down to every last detail, lucky us! Men however suck at concentrating while trying to masturbate, they sort of go into this zombie-like mode with it, so most of them need a video or picture to do the work for them, rather than imagining. Which of course means that they can wind up getting busted and embarrassed (not to mention they can wind up clicking on something thinking it's going to be great, and then see something horrific and lose their boner). But, in the end it's the same basic concept of getting off to some sexually stimulating material, whether in the imagination or on the computer screen.

Wow um..reading this made me feel a bit odd because I'm a girl but I can't seem to concentrate on those specific fantasies at all! Maybe it's different for some girls, but I definitely need a visual/audio to help me when I'm alone. I often find my thoughts floating to completely random, unrelated things.

[doyoutrustme]

i used to be "OK" with it because i thought, if he's gonna do it, he'll do it without lying. it made me bitter and we went to couples counseling over it. turns out the professionals find porn to be very unhealthy in a relationship as well!

as a result of the counseling he installed a firewall and promised to stop for good. took a while to trust him, but I'm basically there.

having a baby is hard. no one should feel pressured to have sex just 4 weeks later.

it's normal to have a dry spell after a new born. if he's horny he can rub one out. you don't require porn for that.

[lizardlady]

I have a different POV than most of the others who responded. IMHO, he is wrong. He is putting what he wants ahead of you. He wanted s e x when you were still not physically recovered from giving birth and you tired to give it to him. It still hurts, yet you continue to try. You even offered to "take care" of him by hand. He asks you to assume positions that make you uncomfortable while he masturbates. I'm going to be graphic. Seems like he is substituting a warm body for images on the computer. From what you posted it sounds like it's all about what he wants, you're wants/needs are ignored.

My own experiences might be affecting my POV, but I don't think so. My husband was abusive. He stopped touching me and resorted to online porn. I tried to make myself available to him. He ignored me and focused on the porn. What really hurt was that the women he looked at on line looked like me. Hell, yes it felt like cheating to me!

Would he be willing to go for couples counseling to find a solution that works for both of you?

[harmlessgirl]

I'm so sorry you're hurting. I don't know if I could imagine what it must feel like to be in your position.

Personally I despise porn and the porn industry. I don't see how any good can come from it. It's just not healthy. I can't wrap my head around how others allow their husbands and SO's to view it, but I digress...

I agree with lizardlady - it seems as though he is focused on his needs and yours are ignored. I think that asking for sex right after you have had a baby and are clearly in a lot of pain is quite selfish as well. Having you pose in positions you don't feel uncomfortable in is not okay.

Open discussion, as much as it might hurt and bring up painful feelings, would probably help a lot. If you think that just the two of you would have a hard time discussing, I see no problem with looking for a therapist to help facilitate! This sounds like a major problem in your relationship and you have a right to feel the way you're feeling.

Again, I'm so very sorry you're going through this.

Sending you hugs

[Moreta]

I'm sorry you're hurting, but I don't see it as a big deal. I know my husband watches porn, hell, I watch it too. I found out my husband reads robot porn recently, which I think is hilarious. Much like the flash novels I used to read about certain bands. I don't see it as a problem, but to each their own. I'm on a bunch of meds that decrease my libido, so I don't mind my husband taking care of himself, especially in the morning when I'm half asleep. Me and my husband are happy and in a loving, committed relationship. I know he won't cheat on me and I won't cheat on him. No harm in watching porn, sometimes we even watch it together. Maybe you can watch it with him.

[tufan]

Originally Posted by CopperStar

. Which of course means that they can wind up getting busted and embarrassed (not to mention they can wind up clicking on something thinking it's going to be great, and then see something horrific and lose their boner). But, in the end it's the same basic concept of getting off to some sexually stimulating material, whether in the imagination or on the computer screen.

I wonder what they can see that would horrify them so far as pron. Men seem to like everything from teenagers to women with **** prolapse. So, I try to keep that in mind when dealing with them.

[SvanThor]

Pornography is unpleasant... but isn't it better than him actually going out and cheating on you? Just a thought.

[doyoutrustme]

Originally Posted by SvanThor

Pornography is unpleasant... but isn't it better than him actually going out and cheating on you? Just a thought.

that's a really bad reason to be okay with porn.

"hey honey, sorry to have breached the foundation of our marriage, but at least im not cheating with actual people"

[harmlessgirl]

I have to say, I'm really upset with some of these responses. I feel like some people aren't validating OP's feelings which can be very hurtful. She has every reason to feel betrayed and upset. Downplaying this could really cause a lot of hurt.

[x_BabyG_x]

I'm sorry you are hurting, I can understand you have a valid reason to feel betrayed - particularly in the sense that 1. He has lied to you, 2. he continues to do so without taking in to consideration your strong objections and 3. He seems so 'unfussed' about how you are hurt by his actions.

In fact, I used to feel strongly about porn myself when i was younger (alot of jealously and bitterness and low self esteem chucked in the mix too. Alot of arguments and betrayal and hurt from an ex of mine there (but thats a whole series of stories that i dont have time to occupy my thoughts with any more!)

As time passed, I became more sexually open myself (and even working in the adult industry!) I became at ease with the act and i am not alot more open and 'whatever' about my partner/s watching it. Even now, I have resorted in porn being a major part of my alone time, and if I was to have a partner who disallowed me to watch it, it would either make me resent that person or just make me resort to watching it in secret!

It sounds to me like you both need to re-evaluate the situation as you are both going in different directions reguarding the subject matter, and try and meet in the middle somehow (see each others point of view, even though you really probably dont want to even consider that right now!)

Men (and women) have needs, and by the way you have described your sex life at present it looks like his needs are not being fufilled (which happens in relationships), therefore he is resorting to porn, and even trying to 'reinact' more porn-style sex and bringing that in to his relationship with you. You on the other hand, to him, are the only person that he can turn to to satiate these needs. And I'm afraid to say that they probably wont go away. Relationships are hard work, and maybe the only way to make this situation work is to both open up completely with each other, break that barrier of disagreement (i dont want him to do this, i want to do this) and pull it in to a neutral circle by respecting each other's wants - no matter how hurtful they are to you.

That does not necessarily give him an excuse for his hurtful behaviour and attitute towards you, he is in the wrong for making you feel that way and you have the right to feel the way you are feeling. However, have you maybe considered that he might be being a little on the 'nasty' and disrespectful side as a front? maybe he's embarrassed about being caught watching it and he's just finding his own (however wrong) way to deal with it?

If you feel you cannot do this together, then maybe getting a third party involved such as a couples councellor might be the step forward. Either way, it seems like it's quite a biggie to you both and it's only going to pull you both apart if you both continue to stubbornly tug hard on opposite ends of the rope (meaning that in the nicest way possible!)

I hope you solve the issue, and im really sorry for the way you are struggling xxxxx

[EarthyMama]

Check out the book Women, Sex and Addiction. It talks about sexual addiction and also sexual codependency. I didn't think it would apply to me but I've been reading it and its given me a lot of insight. Good luck

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk

Damn him. And people like him, male or female. It's the whole, "I promise not to do that." Then they do it,anyway (whatever it is, porn or other). Where is the integrity? If you know you can't/won't stop doing something that really upsets your partner, then you have no right to promise to do so. A common refrain is "Well, I had to lie because I didn't want to upset you or lose you . . ." Not only lacking integrity, but a display of immaturity by reframing the issue of how they were thinking of your feelings (when they were just being selfish and thinking of themselves.) Ugh.

So, yeah, there is the issue of porn viewing - is it right/wrong, good/bad. To me, that argument is just a distraction from the core issue.

Perhaps the reason why people who hated porn in the past now like it is because it resolves the cognitive dissonance they feel when trying to reconcile their dislike/personal beliefs with the risk of losing a mate or future mates . . .

Sorry, Reallyhurting. The untruthfulness would cause me a great deal of pain, as well.

[brokenandalone1234]

Just because he watches porn and gets his from it doesn't mean you don't meet his sexual needs and never will. My fiancé and I sometimes will watch a porn together to get in the mood to have sex. Other times I will be horny and my fiancé not be here and rather than cheat I watch a porn and get mine till he gets home. Porn is natural stop beating yourself up over him watching it. Try watching one with him it may help your sex life get back to normal.

[Know One]

You aren't bowing to the great god, Priapus. It's your fault, of course. It's always the woman's fault.

I hate hearing about this kind of thing because it is proof of how degenerate our society is. Pornography is poison and the people who make it are the lowest forms of life on the planet.

You have given him a child and the best he can do is to encourage you to cry? What a heel! If I were you I'd put my boot up his ***.

This is a person who is thinking only of himself. I'd show him the door.

[doyoutrustme]

Originally Posted by brokenandalone1234

Just because he watches porn and gets his from it doesn't mean you don't meet his sexual needs and never will. My fiancé and I sometimes will watch a porn together to get in the mood to have sex. Other times I will be horny and my fiancé not be here and rather than cheat I watch a porn and get mine till he gets home. Porn is natural stop beating yourself up over him watching it. Try watching one with him it may help your sex life get back to normal.

what works for you doesn't work for everyone. "better than cheating" does not make this healthy for the relationship, and neither is lying about it for that matter.

[Artchic528]

Okay, the OP hasn't responded back. I don't think they've been on in a while either. Right now I think we should just leave well enough alone.