[Raynaadi]

I need to share with the other ladies.

The very beginning of my relationship set up expectations. It started off such a whirlwind. Romantic text messages, constantly saying we missed each other and couldn't wait to see each other, hot and heavy with intimacy....I posted before about changes, and the whole sex thing I can deal with.

But I'm feeling soooo insecure about how he really feels about me. He always says he loves me. But lately I've been feeling like it wouldn't matter to him if he didn't see me. I talked about these fears on Friday with my sponsor but I haven't had a chance to talk to him about it.

It comes down to see my old behavior in him. In the past, I was always the one who got to a place in relationships where I could take it or leave it if I saw the guy etc. But now I'm feeling that with my boyfriend. He loves playing video games and listening to his music. It feels like he's always waiting for me to leave so he can do these things.

I haven't talked with him about this yet, so I might be way out in left field.

Yesterday morning, I woke up so agitated.....he had rolled over and fallen asleep the night before just out of the blue. He woke up a couple hours after me and I was all ready to leave; I had to get to a meeting. The way things were left sucked. He wasn't angry at me but I was so agitated when I said goodbye to him.

Long story short, I took my computer to my friend's place yesterday afternoon hoping he could fix it. It took a LONG time. It was coming up on about 8pm and I told my boyfriend it would still be awhile. I was gonna stay at his place last night. I asked him how late would be too late and he said he didn't know. I got the feeling that it was already too late.

My friend and I gave up on my computer at about 10:30 so I sent my boyfriend a text and he had fallen asleep....I didn't get to see him at all. Its the first night I haven't gotten to see him.

I got soooo upset. Pretty much cried myself to sleep. These fears that he doesn't care if he sees me, that he's into his games.....its bringing up fears from the past, that my mom felt about my dad, that he cared more about his music then about her (in that case he did). I don't want my mom's life.

I guess my fear is that I'm right about all this and that I'll have to leave. I refuse to be in a relationship where I take second place to video games or sports or what have you.

For me, it would never be too late. If he was supposed to be at my place and something happened and he couldn't get there till 2am, it wouldn't be too late.

Men and women are SO different!!! My friend fixing my computer said that yeah, they like their little escapes, and yeah, if something happens and we're busy, the men are like, Alright!!!!! I've sacrifised my pool playing and just about everything to spend time with him. But maybe thats the wrong thing to do. See, maybe I set up an expectation in him that I'd drop everything to spend time with him.

Ooooh I don't know ladies. He knows I'm in a lot of fear and he knows we're gonna talk about this. He knew all this yesterday....and then still said it was too late. So I'm still in all the agitation and fear because I haven't been able to talk to him about all this.

I'm hoping today we can talk. I almost feel like he was avoiding the discussion last night.

I just had to get all this out, but I don't have his side yet. This is all just my side of the street, so it could come out that all my fears are totally unwarrented. I guess my question to all of you is....am I the only one who's ever gone through this?

Oh, edited to add that in the beginning on the weekends, he always stayed up till at least 2am. He even said he always stays up late on the weekends. Then he has to go to bed at 11pm last night, so THAT put more fear in me. And he had slept at my place untill 11am yesterday morning....so I just couldn't believe he was already tired enough to sleep. He sent a text at 1am saying he couldn't sleep, got that this morning. He's still not up.

Am I just crazy girls???? Give me the tough love if you need too; I can take it.

[tranquility]

(((((Rayna))))))

Okay, honestly, I think you took a little seed and spun quite a web of a story.

Relax, breathe, and say the serenity prayer! You right, you haven't spoken to him yet so it could be that there is absolutely nothing wrong!

Now having said that, I understand irational thinking and I have done plenty of it

Tranquility

[okiedokie]

Hi Rayna,
First of all, you are not the first or the last woman to go through this stuff! So, if it's any comfort you're not alone.

We women tend to put ourselves through quite a bit of angst while our men are able to go to sleep just fine. Why do we do this to ourselves?!

What if, he is just becoming more comfortable in your relationship and feels like he can "let down" a bit and do some of those things he used to enjoy, i.e. video games, music, whatever. Perhaps it's a compliment to you and your relationship that he feels that he can do the things that he enjoys.

Maybe he thinks that your relationship is finally to a place where it doesn't require constant vigilance or attention. Perhaps he is so confident in your relationship that he feels comfortable going to sleep knowing that you'll resolve whatever it is when he sees you next?

I guess the "tough love" advice of my message is to try to keep your own baggage your own. Try not to let your past negative experiences seep into your current relationship. I know that is easier said than done.

I think you're right to discuss your concerns with him. I do recommend that you run them past a T or some other trusted friend before talking to your bf. Guys feel uncomfortable when their gals get all insecure about everything. They start to feel like they are under a microscope and they don't like it.

Try to relax hon, it certainly would be better for you and it might be better overall for your relationship.
Take good care,
Okie

[bebop]

I agree with okie on this. and remember how hot and heavy this started out. maybe he just needs to chill out a little bit. try not to read too much into it til you at least talk to him about it.

like okie said maybe he is just getting really comfy in the relationship. remember take your time.

[allthegirls6]

Raynaadi,

I suppose I want to say that you will be the only person who will truly know whats going on. You will be able to sense the body language, feelings etc. However, on reading your post my gut reaction is that maybe you are have a touch of the collywobbles (getting nervous) because things have been going so well for you. Perhaps everything really is OK and there is no need to worry. I suspect this might be the case.

I hope with all my heart everything is OK. We feel you deserve only the best in life

Its the first night I haven't gotten to see him.

You are right. Men and women are so different. We look for signals all the time, guys are like "what's the big deal?"

You've been dating for a few months now. That's a long time to not have a "night off." Maybe he just needed to be alone for a night. Not because "of you" but people like alone time. I like mine and I know hubby likes his. We still love each other dearly.

I think it's a good thing. Abscence makes the heart grow stronger and all that jazz.

Him missing you is not always a bad thing either.

[seeker1950]

It has been my unfortunate experience that the more anxious and insecure I became, the more the fella drew away from me. The more questions (valid ones) I asked, the more they clammed up! I tried relaxing and just going with the flow, but if anxiety appeared and I voiced it, it just drove him away. I have no answers.
Patty

[meander]

(((((Rayna))))))

Maybe you are being slighty irrational but that is normal for girls I think. Certainly a lot of what you said sounded familar! I think that probably, he hasn't even noticed something's different, and maybe he was just really tired yesterday, and was sure that the two of you could work it out next time you met up. I don't think you've got anything to worry about, good luck anyway :-)

[Raynaadi]

Thank you all SO SO SO much. This is all stuff I knew but couldn't grab onto and thats why I posted. Share our woe and it gets cut in half right?

He texted me first thing when he woke up and said he was going to shower and come over if that was ok. We had THE TALK. I expressed everything....and he explained everything.....and we're fine.

Its just a lot of getting used to stuff that I have to do, and so does he. The difference in this instance is that I'm willing to do so. He's such a wonderful man.....a litle adjustment on my part is very well worth it.

He actually thanked me for bringing it all up, and said he loves me more.....when I asked why he said because the talking made us closer.

Ah....relief. Emotionally exhausted....so I'm gonna go to bed.

Again, thank you all soooo much!!!!!!! Every one of you were absolutely right!

[tranquility]

Rayna - so glad everything worked out well! This will be another lesson that you will put in your hip pocket and subconsciously remember down the road

Tranquility

[Raynaadi]

Yes. I am just learning so much in this relationship. Wow.....its all really great stuff.

[LunarStrain]

I just read this post because I have a ton of fears and insecurities with my relationship. I know and agree with you that yes being anxious and insecure drives men away and makes them uncomfortable but I am so tired of pretending like everything is fine and trying acting calm,cool, and relaxed meanwhile Im going nuts. I am insecure with the relationship, I have things that I want to know but aren't really rational questions, it wouldn't matter who it was!!! The damage has already been done and Im almost positive that I cant fix it alone.

I dont want to drive him away, If I must keep everything Im feeling to myself then Id rather be alone. He doesn't ask about anything, I have a hard time bringing anything up....

I dont know what to do.......What do you think?

[Raynaadi]

Its HARD to talk about all that stuff.....but I can tell you from experience that it helps a ton. Guys usually have no idea. My bf was shocked when I told him about some of my insecurities. He had no clue! I said I knew they were irrational, but I had to get it out there. He actually thanked me for telling him so he had the opportunity to reassure me.

You said that if you must keep everything to yourself, you'd rather be alone. Well, there's your answer. If you talk to him and he's understanding, then great! Its all out in the open and he knows whats going on and has the opportunity to reassure you. If you tell him and he freaks out and gets made or whatever......well, would you want to be with someone like that?

Seems to me, that by sharing things with him, you'll at least get it out. You're doing what you can do and then the rest is unknown. That's what's so hard about it. The fear of the unknown. For me, fear stands for false expecations appearing real. Things rarely turn out the way I fear they will.

Maybe you can write everything out, so that you know what you want to cover, and then before you talk to him, go over it again. That's what I did.

It's a HUGE relief to get honest with ourselves and others. At least thats been the truth for me.

[LunarStrain]

Thats awesome, thanks a bunch. Now I just need to try and get the job done. I dont know, I guess tears or no tears I just better get it out there.

I truely am my own worst enemy

[Raynaadi]

Aren't we all....I have a good friend who always tells me "if you're not the problem, there is no solution." Meaning the only thing I can change is myself. Easier said than done!!!

Good luck in your conversation....just be open and honest and try not to go into it with expectations.

[LunarStrain]

On our vacation one night we got into a fight about something stupid (that apparently happens alot). This started at about 12am when we got back to my sister's at 2am we were still arguing but went to bed. While his side of the bed is snoring, mine is on fire!!! I cant sleep when Im mad...even with my seroquel (so I doubled up) but I was fuming angry with him. So I woke his white ***** up and everything came spilling out but I didn't go into too much detail. It was simple and direct but alot to take in....when I was finished, he said nothing. He got up and left the room, I couldn't believe it, and then I heard him leave the house, so I went out to see where he went and he told me to go back to bed (he was mad). It was like 3:30 and my pills were kicking in and I had gotten it out of my system and although I couldn't believe he left without saying anything and was mad, I passed out hard core.

He came back at like 4:10 and had to wake me up and started talking to me about his problems. He said he thought there was something wrong with him. I ended up trying to reassure him but I was so freakin tired and could hardly stay awake that by after like 20mins of reassuring him that it was my problem not his fault and that I thought he was really great and him telling me about his ex-girlfriend, I finally said "let's go to sleep", and we both passed out.........well at least I did and I assume he did the same.

We haven't spoke of it since.

He had apologized for leaving the room and not saying anything, he realized that was stupid he said. And for the rest of our vacation he seemed just as genuine as always.

But was anything really dealt with....

[LunarStrain]

Now I just kinda feel like an idiot for telling him....

I didn't just want to borrow his ear for a few

I dont even know what he's thinking and Im thinking to much. I dont want someone just to listen. Am I asking to much? He cant be perfect. I dont want to bore him with my sugar.

He started talking about his ex......and his problem or what he thought was his problem.............Im SORRY but shedual your own appointment. GOD it took me so long to say that stuff and then we didn't even talk about it or me, he got mad, left, came back, and talked about himself. I know how selfish that sounds and how mean that makes me sound..

But I just waited for so long and it was so hard for me to tell him and I wanted so badly to talk about it and now i'll probably end up waiting another god knows how many months or a year till I bring it up again, maybe never after what happend last time

[Raynaadi]

Maybe you guys can come up with a time where you can sit down and talk. A time when you're not trying to go to bed. Maybe on a weekend day, you can ask for some time just to talk. Make it a time where you both agree to listen to one another and then discuss. Sometimes when the conversations come up unexpectadly, thats when they're hardest.

I had all my stuff written down when I needed to talk to bf. Before he came over, I looked over it again. We both knew the talk was gonna happen so we were both prepared. Maybe that would work?