need to have a baby ruining relationship

Yeah and I think telling someone NOT to have a baby will just make them want it more because the way it sounds is like they're being told they aren't good enough to be a parent, and they want to prove that they are.

Back in the 1950s and before most women were married with at least 1 child by age 20. Just because some people don't have the same wishes they did back then for things like marriage and staying home, doesn't mean that the desire for a baby goes away too. There is no perfect life-kids from all kinds of families and situations have ended up with issues.

And I had a VERY bad childhood and at times wish I had never been born, however when I really think about it, I would actually just rather my mother loved me enough to protect me. That is a CHOICE on her part, regardless of how poor you are or what your situation is. As a matter of fact, had I grown up in the women's shelter rather than the apartment we lived in, I would have been better off. Even though someone in an apartment seems more stable than in a shelter, it wasn't about the money or nice things I didn't own, it was the people she allowed around me.

I want to be clear that I never said Broken shouldn't ever have a baby, but rather, that she shouldn't have a baby now, when she clearly isn't ready financially, or relationship wise. She needs to realize that being in a relationship means taking both parties wishes and needs into consideration when deciding on something as huge as having a baby. Pushing the S/O into having a baby when the they clearly want to wait to have one just because impatience is rather selfish, IMHO. Especially when they are already clearing undertaking the stressful job of planning a wedding. It's just simply too much to ask of a partner.

She honestly also needs to talk about this with a therapist to get to the bottom of why she is desperately wanting a child right now so much she is downright obsessing over the idea and creating this huge fissure in her relationship.

Remember, it takes two to make a baby, not one.

I don't think anyone here said she shouldn't ever have children. However, she does need to be in a better place emotionally and financially, particularly to a place where having a child isn't considered a "fix" for what is wrong in her life. She also needs to get to a place in her relationship where they are both on the same page about having children.

I understand what you're saying-and in this case she did ask for opinions-I just feel like, to me, this is a personal decision and only she will know when it's right....I did tell her that she would have to choose between the 2 because it is her fiance's choice as well. I personally don't consider either's position "right" or "wrong", they just want different things at the moment.

Unless both her and her fiancée agree that they both want a baby .. Now . But if she were to wind up pregnant that will cause all kinds of hell and many questions about the how and why the current birth control didn't work . Yes I know none are 100% . But the relationship will have problems.

OP you just started a new job, put your energy into you job and performing well so down the road you will be eligible to take that time off ....You need to be employed for 12 months full time to qualify for FMLA. ( that is if you live in the US . So getting pregnant now is just not a good idea.

Have you considered being a foster for furry kids? Far to many are left in shelters when a foster home would be much better. All foster programs that I know of pay for food and vetting etc. This will give you something to help quiet the " I want a baby right now"

Loving and caring for a foster animal can be a mater of life or death for many animals. That would help you channel some love towards a furry friend. Trust me my dog often wakes me up in the middle of the night, lol

I do really do think that Therapy would help you. It often takes time to find the right Therapist.

Good luck

I completely agree with Christina

I would really consider adopting or fostering an animal. Some people think that their cat or dog is their baby and just pamper the thing....which is exactly what the animal needs. These shelter animals are in such great need and so many do not have a home. Give that a try.

I can handle the 9 month wait because I would a baby growing inside me.It's the wait of getting pregnant that sucks. The urge is only getting worse and I am trying to do the right thing and not lie to get pregnant but I am almost at the point of doing the dishonest thing to get what I want. I tell my fiance all the time I will do it but I never do because I don't want to do it that way.

You're not ready to be even THINKING about having a kid. I feel sorry for your poor fiancé and any life you bring into this world....

We have a cat and I love our cat but the baby feelings never go away. I just wish I could find purpose and meaning in my life so these feelings of uselessness would go away. My sister is 19 almost 20 and pregnant with my 2nd niece/nephew and I love my sister very much but at the same time I hate her because she is having her second baby in a little over a year and it makes me so jealous of her. I am happy to be an aunt again but being a mom would be even better.

I strongly advise seeking therapy. Conceiving a child against the wishes of your fiancé is nothing short of deceptive and cruel towards him. Maybe discuss this insidious desire to be deceptive to get what you "want" and the fact that you can't trust any guy with your new found therapist?

I understand being bored with life. I also understand the urge to have a baby because I still have that once in a while despite the fact that I've settled on not having a child. However, as people have pointed out, motherhood isn't something that's done out of boredom. A baby is a human being, not a time-filler and a way to make you feel better. Chances are, you'd probably get bored and tired of motherhood eventually as well and you'd want to move on to something bigger and better, and that point, it's too late.

Try finding something you're really passionate about besides having a baby. Volunteer opportunities, your job, a hobby...anything. Something that makes you feel as though you have meaning because that seems to be what you're seeking from what I'm getting from your post.

In some ways I think some people are being way too harsh with you. The urge to procreate is, after all, a basic one. Let's face it...most of us wouldn't be here if everything about our conception was 'perfect.' C'mon.

As for 'tricking' the boyfriend...well, frankly, he probably knows that sex can result in pregnancy If someone really, truly does NOT want to conceive a child, someone shouldn't have sexual intercourse. It's the old 'Don't like the heat, stay out of the kitchen.'

You have a loudly ticking biological clock. You are on your way to getting married and having a baby (God granting). You just need more patience. Your fiancé makes good sense in the reasons why to wait, and you really do not want to rush someone or trap someone into becoming a parent, not going to be good.

Being a parent takes lots of patience, so you may as well start improving on that now.

I've had three kids. Loved every moment of it.

I would just like to clarify my stance.

I'm not against urges to procreate, I'm pretty sure I shouldn't have more children (have 1) but I find myself wanting a baby at times, pretty badly if I may add.

My objection is based on 1: Why rush and ruin a new job, when waiting wont change a thing?

And 2: The OP has previously expressed her belief that a baby will fix whatever is wrong in her relationship.

I know the bf might seem harsh in his expectations for more domestication, but lets face facts here, a baby is the personification of domestication. You have to clean and care for it, 24/7.

Me personally? I love my daughter to death, but I was over it in 3 months, literally ripping my hair out because I was at her beck and call 24/7, because this little person dictated my whole life, my very existence.

Getting back to work helped immensely, helped me regain my sanity and some self esteem too.

Who knows, now that I have a much firmer handle on my BP, I'd probably be much better at it, but back then?

Ha! It's a miracle I did as good a job as I have.

Anyway. This isn't about me, I'm just providing a perspective that may shed light on why I have reservations and hopefully provides the OP with some insight from another angle.

So, with the logic you put forth, I shouldn't ever have the pleasure and closeness that sexual intercourse brings in a relationship because I'm dead set on NOT having kids? With all due respect, and IMHO, that's very simplistic, 1950's black and white thinking. This, in and of itself is also, I feel, rather judgmental and harsh.

Now getting back to the OP, she wants to manipulate the situation and deceive her fiancé into having a child against his wishes. She thinks having a child will "fix" her trust and anxiety issues, when she should instead be looking for counsling/therapy on the matter. When I suggested she seek therapy in another thread, she was defensive and presented several excuses as to why she is the way she is. I should know, I am the veritable Queen of Excuse-land. Anyways, I suggest an anxiety and phobia workbook she can use while she waits for her health benefits to kick in and she can then be able to afford a therapist.

True. It is simple: Sex makes babies. That's all I'm saying. When two people have intercourse there is ALWAYS a chance of pregnancy (unless there's a fertility issue). If a couple is having sex, they need to be in touch with reality. That's been true since human beings existed & it's still true today, not just in the 1950's The facts are the facts.

So by your logic, I shouldn't have any romance in my life, because what's romance without ever having sex? I find that logic highly offensive. I deserve to have a romantic relationship, and therefor, have sex as often as I want even if I am dead set against having kids. There are options for those who don't want to conceive. Contraceptives, tubal ligation, or even chemical sterilization, and in the event of an unwanted fertilization that occurs, there's always abortion.

However, I don't want to make this about human rights/reproductive rights, so I would thank everyone to not start preaching their beliefs and making this thread a huge argument over pro choice and pro life. It would be very unfair to the OP to derail her thread like that.

Why is this conversation even still going?

Artchic, Romance is fine, as long as both (or all) involved adults have their feet in reality.

Tsukiko, This thread is still going because the topic is a 'hot' one. Lots of controversy, therefore, lots of interest. And I agree: In my opinion, this thread has run its course

I understand. You stated your point, which was aimed at the OP, yet someone decided to take your statement and make it personal, and the conversation derailed. At that point, maybe the thread should have been closed.

And thank you! I love the little kitty on my sig. His name is Twizzler. Feel free to stop by and see him anytime. He loves visitors.
And the lines in my signature are from the song "Midnight City" by M83. Have you heard of him? Really, listen to the song. It's probably my all-time favorite.

I have heard of M83, but I will listen to "Midnight City." Thanks!

So, because of Laurie's medieval views on sex, I'm the one who is seen as the antagonist who derailed the thread here?

I can't win...

If I'm remembering correctly, the comment Laurie initially made concerning sex creating babies was not aimed at you, yet you decided to respond as if it were aimed at you personally. I've been here for two years and I have noticed this pattern of behavior on several threads you've participated in. It just gets tiresome to read and deal with.

Artchic, My initial comment was not directed at you. There's no need for you to take my comment personally. Really. There isn't.