need to have a baby ruining relationship

I am 26 and my biological time clock is getting faster and faster each year. I want a baby so bad right now. My fiance doesn't think we are ready though. I just started a new job 4 days ago but it pays real well. I can't even enjoy sex anymore because all I can think about is having a baby. I am sick of my boring life. I know being a parent is a lot of work and honestly I want all the work that comes with being a parent. I want the extra the time it takes getting ready to leave the house, I want the getting woke up 3 or 4 times a night may be more to take care of a baby. I sit at home doing nothing as it so I am ready for motherhood. I don't party on the weekends because bars and drinking aren't fun to me. I have lived my life and I am ready for my life to be about someone other than me. My fiance tells me to enjoy the easy days but I am sick of the easy days.

My question would be why you aren't putting getting married to your fiance as a first priority. Yes, people raise children alone, but you are in a relationship with the apparent intent to get married since you refer to him as your fiance, so why aren't you on the same page about this? You really need to be.

Please make sure you and your finance both agree to have a baby together. Getting married should be your number one priority and making sure your home is established. A baby needs full commitment of both parents in order to grow up in a happy, healthy home. If one parent doesn't want the baby then the baby will suffer in the long run. Children need both their mother and their father to want them and to love them unconditionally.

We have a wedding date set. I just can't wait til next year. We have a home which we purchased last year. We both have good jobs. I just haven't been at my job long enough is his issue. He thinks if I get pregnant before I have been there 90 days that they will fire me if they find out I am pregnant.

He's right. No job is going to hire someone who needs THEIR maternity benefits right out of the gate. Why bother hiring someone if they're not going to show up to work to go play mommy?

I have seen companies hire girls who were very pregnant when they got hired on so that isn't true because it is illegal to not hire someone based solely on them being pregnant.

Your fiance is right.


It's just not a smart move...


You just started working there, you can't be sure they'll be fair to you.

Also, you're not being fair to them, you just start working then you want half the year off????


You can wait till after the wedding, which makes the most sense, you just don't want to, and that's what's putting strain on your relationship.

Slow down; put your relationship first. If your relationship isn't healthy and your priority, you won't be bringing a child into a healthy environment anyway. You have time to get that in line first, and you owe that to your spouse and to any child you bring into that relationship. If you aren't willing to do that, you aren't ready to have a child. You CAN wait a year while you get your house in order so to speak. Get established in your job, plan your wedding, have your wedding, have a honeymoon if you want. Then, down the road you'll be in a better, more stable relationship position, reading to bring a third person into that relationship because that is what having a child does. You BOTH need to be on the same page about this or having a baby will be a strain on the relationship.

It's not that I don't want to wait it's that I can't. I feel right now that my life has no purpose or meaning. I have one friend and that's it and she is married and barely has time for me because we live an hour and a half apart. I hate going out because I hate seeing parents with their kids because I get jealous because they have what I want. I can't stop the feelings.

Do not have a baby as a means to fix what is wrong in your life. That is completely unfair to the child, and it won't work.

I don't know any other way to fix my issues. I have tried therapy quite a few times and I never find a therapist that I feel completely comfortable with. My meds also don't help the issues. I cared for my grandpa for 6 1/2 so my whole life revolved around him, work,and school. Once him and my grandma moved away I didn't know what to do. I am the type of person who needs to be needed. If something were to happen to me my fiance would just fine without me. A baby would need me 24/7. I lost myself completely in 6 1/2 years. My fiance almost died right in my front of me three years ago. Ever since that day I have felt the same guilt I felt with my grandpa if I leave my fiance alone at home. I feel that if I leave and something bad or fatal happens that it's my fault and I could of stopped it from happening if I wouldn't of left.

Idk know any other way to say this, but... your poor future baby.


I'm not insinuating that you'll be a terrible mother, no. Not at all.


But as mentioned above, needing to be needed, having a child to fix yourself.... That is very poor reasoning to bring a whole new life into this world.


And even if you're excellent at taking care of them, this underlying reason will pop up in your childs life, whether you want it to or not...Your child will ultimately pay for your choices.


I can already see you never letting them out of your sight (even as a teen) because of the fear you relayed regarding your fiance.


At this rate you are unknowingly planning to smother a child you don't even have yet.


Please try a different T or different type of therapy, because you are on a very misguided path right now.

Wanting a baby so very badly, and knowing that you can't have a baby(right now, in your case) is a very painful thing indeed. I think it's a good thing that you are posting about it and reaching out for help instead of giving into a want that you know would not be good for all involved.

It's difficult. Baby lust can be very painful, especially if you've had to terminate a pregnancy in the past and are desperate to replace that missing baby. This was my case, I'm not suggesting it's your situation.

I'm 46 and my odds of getting pregnant now are slim, but I still get a strong urge to have children. There are many reasons why having children was not right for us, but it doesn't stop it from being a painful choice, even if it was the right one.

I think you know it's not right to have a baby at this time, and I understand how much it hurts to have to wait.

I think it would help to start a thread about the pain of having to wait to have children or choosing not to have them at all. Just to connect with others who feel like you do can help you through this painful time. I for one would appreciate such a thread.

I'm sure it is tough to want something so badly, but- I hope this doesn't come across as rude because it's not intended to sound that way at all, it's just hard to find a way to explain it- if you are mainly wanting a baby to fix problems then it is probably not a good idea. Babies don't solve past or current problems, or fix relationships, or make guilt go away. What if for some reason you did have to leave your baby with someone due to an emergency, would you have that same guilt? It may just create another person to feel guilty about. A baby should be born because you want to create a person, not to fill voids and solve problems. That baby will have to carry the responsibility of being around to make you feel better about yourself.

I'm sure you are aware that it may not be the best idea right now or you wouldn't be here sharing your situation. I would definitely continue to talk about it with someone.

I am very aware of it but I don't know anyway to fix my issues. I hate talking to people face to face so therapy never works for me because I am too afraid to open up to people in person. I don't really trust many people and with my social anxiety talking online is the only option I have. I always fear being judged by people so I tend to keep to myself. I don't know what to do. I don't want to bring a child into this world and then mess it up by using it as a way to fix my issues.

Then you do what good parents do. You do absolutely everything you MUST in order to take the best care of your children that you can. That includes pushing yourself beyond what you think is imaginable. That means doing absolutely what makes you feel uncomfortable if that is what it takes to be the strongest, healthiest person you can be, because that is what you owe to your children. They deserve no less.

If having children is your goal, then you push yourself into therapy, you push yourself through that hard, uncomfortable work because that is how you get there. There are no shortcuts that will lead you to feeling better, to being a good parent. It's hard work. It requires sacrifice. It requires much of the time placing the well-being of another human being as so important that you will do whatever it takes to give that child a healthy parent and a healthy family.

People should not have children to make them feel better. People should have a child with every intent of giving that child a healthy, loving, nurturing home and providing THE CHILD a fulfilled family life and future. In your case, that has to start with you becoming a healthier individual. It won't work the other way around.

Very well said!

Personally, I would not marry someone who didn't want the same things I do.

Also I don't think you necessarily need to be married to have a child. Marriage is supposed to be forever and if you're only marrying for that reason it will be harder on the child if you end up divorcing when he/she is older, vs. co or single parenting and that's all they've known. Either way you have to make a choice, find someone who is willing to become a father (again, you don't necessarily need to marry this person before you have the baby) or give it up for him.

I'm different than most other people-I would only have 1 question for anyone wanting a child:

Are you going to love them forever, care for them, sacrifice your needs for their's and never abandon them?

You don't need to be perfect to do the above. I'd think the majority humans would be capable of doing the above. Sadly that isn't always the case.

My fiance wants kids but right now money is tight and he thinks me getting pregnant right now would get me fired from my new job that I just started last week so he wants to wait at least 3 months which isn't long but it's still a hard wait.

You're very young, so you have plenty of time. Your fiance is right, you need to be patient and wait until you can afford a baby.

You don't want to get pregnant to help with your own mental issue, IMHO. You need to take care of that and also agree with your fiance. That would be the best for baby.

Try 9 more months after that!

OP, I think you could better funnel your energy in helping someone into something like volunteering at your senior center or homeless shelter. You have a wonderful capacity for wanting to serve another, but I don't think a baby is right for you, at least now. Lessen the burden of another for a few months and then ask yourself again if you still want a baby. Good luck.

I have wanted kids since I was 23 and I just turned 26 so I know my desire for kids isn't going away.

I think it's perfectly normal for you to want to have a baby. I mean, that's how most of us got here...somebody wanted us to be born, right?