[evildouble102]

I haven't been in many serious relationships and being a survivor of rape from an early age: 13 (PTSD too) and now only 24: I have a question for those of you who would like to help me answer this:

For example I've been talking to a man who is about 45 minutes away from me, and met him the other night. I talked to him quite a bit while I was down visiting my twin in N.C. because that didn't go so well and found someone (oddly enough online). My twin and I did not get along well at all really; which is too bad, and I feel bad. I realize; however, it is not my fault or not mine alone. I don't like that she was constantly telling me to shut up and that everything I had to say was "b.s." or how she didn't want to hear it. She felt that because I was in her apt. she had the right to know who I was talking to at all times and about exactly what and was offended and mad if I didn't tell her what and even if I did tell her: half the time she didn't believe me anyway. It was one of those lovely "damned if you do; damned if you don't" sorta situations. Nothing seemed to go right unfortunately. My flight even got delayed to the point where the airlines had to put me in a hotel bc she was an hour away and all. To sum it up I didn't like being ripped down constantly and then asked to talk; because it seemed to me like I couldn't talk and then: what to say?

I've talked quite a bit: off and on for over the past 2 weeks with this man. We got talking and found that we had more in common than we thought (like we both have ptsd; but, his is from being in the army for a while and his bday is the day before mine despite being 6 yrs older)... which I find rather odd that our bdays are almost the same day.

I was actually surprised to hear from him yesterday. He called to see how my ECT treatment went and how I was feeling and all that; which I thought was rather sweet of him; because... I met him (which some may say is fast) but, we both feel very comfortable with eachother.

He works as a manager at a Motel 6 a little ways away and all. What I find odd (or maybe it's just shows that he is caring and compassionate) I honestly don't know or maybe PTSD is an "excuse" for buying a toy and what not (if you know what I mean and maybe being kinky or w/e?)...

He says he wants to buy me a sex toy for when we can't be together and to have more fun together too for insertion and maybe so he can watch. (blushes) Just never would've imagined getting one or using one for that matter. I have a hard time sometimes being comfortable with sex because of the whole being raped at a young age "thing." He also said I'd enjoy it too because I refuse to masturbate for that reason (because I don't feel right about it... not sure exactly why just know it has to do with the ptsd and being raped and those surrounding issues). So he said he wanted to buy me one...

What does everyone think? Is this odd? Am I overanalyzing or overreacting? Is there things I need to educate myself on about these things before even considering if I would like to get one?

Any comments or whatever you wish to leave that might help would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks in Advance, Danielle

[Angel_of_the_Past]

Sorry, I can only wish you well. My wounds are to fresh to give you advice.
Regards and best wishes,
Angel

[SeptemberMorn]

For one thing, I don't believe that you are the "evil" one. Your sister seems to have a problem with communication and more so with caring about you.

This man... I don't know... I've been on the internet for quite a few years and have had some experiences with people from online. I've met quite a few, but I can say that none of the ones I met were that forward and so interested in sex as this man seems to be.

I've also had some bad experiences online. This was while I was still in the "victim mode" and didn't realize I could just log off or go somewhere else if I didn't like what was going on.

How long have you known this man face to face? Does he know you're a rape victim? To me, it doesn't seem very "sweet" of him to want to buy you a sex toy or to suggest you use it when he's not around. He may be pushing you into a place you're not ready to go yet. It sounds to me that you are still suffering from the effects of the rape. Have you received counseling for it? If not, I strongly suggest you do that before you get sexually involved with ANYONE. You need to be comfortable with your own sexuality before you get sexually involved. It doesn't sound to me like you're comfortable with it.

My heart goes out to you. It feels like you and I may have some of the same feelings about ourselves. Please do be careful... be gentle with yourself... don't push yourself beyond what you're comfortable with at the time. It's really difficult to get out of the "victim mode" so work on that, ok?

Safe hugs if okay.

[bebop]

I think I would not accept something like that from someone I don't really know. maybe I am kind of old school but that is just me. I would wait and see how the relationship goes or is headed.

[kimmydawn]

Big red warning signs for me on this one, hon...sorry.

I think it's way too much, way too fast...and way too much the "different" for just starting out. If he's asking things like this, this soon, what would his expectations further out to be??? I don't feel at all comfortable about it, or wouldn't if it were me.

Let us know how it's going, hon, and move cautiously, OK?

KD

[SpottedOwl]

I think you are very wise, and not at all over-reacting. If something does not feel right, listen to your gut.

The idea of getting a sex toy is not a bad idea...IF...it is something that YOU want to do. I would go and buy one for yourself if you want to try it out. It can even be your secret. Empower yourself by making that decision based on what you need. IMHO, the idea of him buying it for you would not be healing.

I see warning signs too. The guy may have very good intentions, but he may not know what you need. Recovering from rape is a lot different than recovering from a war.

Contact your local rape crises center, and talk to them about counseling. It can be very healing and helpful to talk to other people who really understand what you are going through.

Most importantly -- keep listening to that gut!!!

[Perna]

I would be uncomfortable talking about a guy buying me sex toys after only knowing him for 2 weeks and most of that being on the Internet? If you're uncomfortable about sex because of your issues, I would have liked him to have picked up on that and waited for you to "lead" instead of proposing what he would like.

[evildouble102]

Thanks again to those who gave their advice and opinions.

We have kept in contact. And he does say when he gets a day off that I have a free who would like to come up and see me again. His PTSD is from (well no way of proving this of course: one way or another; but, so he says that he was over in Iraq and saw his bestfriend get shot and his g/f at the time told him it was his fault).

He said he didn't have a problem with me having these mental health issues and seems sincere about this I think; because of this, and when his g/f told him that and he came back he became so depressed to the point where he tried to commit suicide (I will leave out the details; but he told me, and it was not pretty).

I don't feel that I should defend him or I. Just, I think I would like to explore options apparently and I think I have become more open(sexually; I guess I see this as safer than other options for one)..

Whether or not everyone agree's or not, I doubt it; but, I feel comfotable and feel that at this stage I'm as ready as I'm going to be and that's good enough for me, honestly. I don't know how else to know. Talking to others about their experiences with rape does not thrill me in particular. I can talk about it: yes; I prefer not to because it doesn't make it go away: and I can't change that unfortunately. I like helping others; but, don't want to hear the details of some horrific rape verbatim and every single paly-by-play if you understand what I'm trying to say. For example: I do not deal well with violence because I have an extremely vivid imagination. And not wish harm on another creature ever. I'm sure I'll think of more to add later...

[SpottedOwl]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Talking to others about their experiences with rape does not thrill me in particular. I can talk about it: yes; I prefer not to because it doesn't make it go away: and I can't change that unfortunately. I like helping others; but, don't want to hear the details of some horrific rape verbatim and every single paly-by-play if you understand what I'm trying to say.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Nothing will ever make it go away, but talking to people who understand can really help.

I don't think you need to help anyone other than yourself. Getting counseling is all about you, and not about being there to help anyone else.

In my experience, my T has never asked me to give a play-by-play. From what I understand, going back and re-living the play-by-play is not encouraged because it can re-traumatize. So, I understand your concern.

What has helped me most with counseling, is dealing with my PRESENT. Not letting my PAST be such a huge part of what I am today. Yes, it did happen, nothing will change that -- but it does not have to define who I am as a person.

If you are comfortable having sex with this guy, one final piece of advice:
Talk ahead of time, and create a 'Safe Word' -- something you can say if you start to get overwhelmed, so your partner can stop. If the partner does not respect this idea, I would not feel comfortable getting intimate with him.

[HALLIEBETH87]

all ihave to give..... *huge hugs*