Are men worth it ???

Ok at the age of 39 I have come to the conclusion that there is
not any men who really want to or are capable of having
the type of relationship with women that women want. I married my
high school sweetheart half way through college and divorced
him at age 32. We broke up a few times before marriage and
so I dated other guys then - and after we split up I only dated
the guy I am still with. But while being with my ex and now current
boyfriend I have had the opportunity to "hang out" with lots
of single guys and married ones too. From all my experiences I
believe that until men are over the age of 70 they are really
incapable of being completely faithful, committed and "in love"
with anyone - with the few exceptions that can do this only for a
limited time. (no more than 4 years) I assume that I am attractive
to men as they have always payed a significant amount of attention
to me everywhere I go . Although this is flattering at times , amusing
and a plus in certain situations - I find it annoying and sad mostly.
I know that most of them are married or committed - although they
would gladly do whatever I asked them to - should I. So this only
affirms my belief that they arent capable of not thinking with their
genitals always not their hearts or brains - or any sense of loyalty to
anything other than their - you know. So I am now thinking should
my latest relationship end I will not be looking for a male to take up
most of my time with - instead I will only see them for entertainment
purposes. So I am wondering if other women feel this way too ?? Are
men worth all the love, time and consideration that many women give them
when they are so consumed by their - you knows and inept emotionally ??
Amy

Well I was married for fifteen years to one of them he was a faithful pig then I left.

Now been with this one for seven years and got to say its great so I cant agree with the four year statement.

I personally feel that special man is worth it in the long run... if the two of you are strong enough to make it through the roller coaster ride of the first ten to twenty years of life, love, doubts, hurts, fears and joys.

well, paying a little attention to a pretty woman is not the same thing as cheating on your wife or girlfriend. If it goes overboard it can be disrespectful, but a little flirting should not be a deal-breaker.

I've been married for a bit over 6 years, together for 11, and I'm quite happy.

While I agree with this statement now, at age 41 & after 22 yrs of marriage, I can honestly say that it was that easy when I was 25 and going through this issue with my very visual and flirty husband.

Oh what maturity comes with age, what beauty lies with in the years of knowledge.

I have been maarried for 12 1/2 yrs to an amazing man. He cooks, cleans, does laundry, is an amazing father and just a great all around person. So I can't agree with you. He truly is my soul mate that I would do absolutely anything for.

Remeber no one is perfect but not everyone is bad.

insecuriy

I would have to say for the most part , no they are not . It seems like it all ends in heartache no matter how hard you try and you feel like why should i try anymore . So much lonliness and the feelings of rejection , humiliation and questioning what is the matter with me . You get to the point where you just feel like turning yourself off emotionally and really everything becomes just enjoying the moment and not getting attached.

id have to say that if youre holding them to unattainable expectations then, no theyre not worth it. but if you realize that were all human, we all make mistakes and we are ALL (women included) attracted to the opposite sex then yes they are. ive been cheated on, lied to etc... all that good stuff we go through for men. but my current boyfriend has never lied to me or cheated on me. and every time i suspect him of doing so just from previous experiences, he has always proven me wrong. Like, ive always been terrified to show up unexpectedly or get off work early because im terrified that if i go over without his knowledge ill catch him doing something or being with someone. But every time I do this he is always doing exactly what he said he was and has the biggest smile on his face to see me. so i didnt think they were worth it until now.

and im assuming the guys you go for are the ones that "give you attention wherever you go". doesnt sound like those are the type of guys who are going to give you the love you need. and my T told me that, for someone like me who likes to get into relationships with people I can "fix", its more of a ladder type of deal. Like if my first boyfriend was absolutely horrible, my next one wont be as bad but still not good. Then every time I date someone who is a little less awful, it shows me that there are good people. And me seeing this makes me go for someone who is even better etc... (if that made any sense).

anyways... my main point is... i wouldnt give up if i were you. the feeling of loneliness for fear of being hurt is not worth it compared to the feeling of being truly loved if you find it.

Honestly I think real question needs to be is LOVE worth it?

worth being hurt, getting cheated on, being lied to, endure fear from the one you love, being left to raise the children on your own, never trusting again.
etc (you add the rest)

Sad that Love-Sex-Life has come down to this.... so sad

I'm glad I've realized that at the age of 22 lol.
The thing about men is that they can fall in love, like head-over-heels in love - but they won't show it and they will rarely proclaim it. And they don't know that women pay attention to details, so if they say something or do something that makes them look as if they don't love you - we will assume that they don't, and they won't even pick up on that.

We speak different languages, we work differently and we think differently - but ultimately we both want the same thing. I think it takes longer for men to come to terms with the idea of settling down and such; women are ready for that as soon as we hit puberty lol, but men can act like 15 year olds until they're 40.

We cannot expect men to know or understand what we want/need, it's SO frustrating at times - and it doesn't matter how many times you tell your man; he still won't understand it.

My current relationship is really... vague. I don't know where we stand, he says he loves me - I love him, but when I ask him where he wants this to go he just avoids the question. It wasn't until I said that I couldn't deal with this anymore, I couldn't deal with his behavior, I couldn't deal with the not knowing - and that I had decided to give up and walk out the door - that he actually got it. And since then, he's improved a lot. Sometimes men need that kick in the butt to understand how serious it is to you.

I'm 40 and been in some really crummy relationships. I'm also single at the moment but I gotta say I think men are completely worth it and I'm not giving up!!

Hi amy.

I was at the senior center last night in a meditaion group. I'm hopeful.


I think men keep thier emotions tightly guarded. I believe they will let go once they truly trust ad feel safe.

I do not think any man has yet felt that safeness with me. Is it my fault? I do not think thats hepful for me to take on that resposibility.

have I had some difficult reationships . yes. Did I choose to be in them? Yes.

Did I give up 11 years ago. after my then boyfriend just up and started dating a younger prettier woman he met at school after we had been so close for two years daily? Sort of, Did he try to come back . Yes he did but I was strong. One year turned into many. I can survive alone. But want to try again.

Thats all for now.

Patricia

Hi Amy,
I'm a new member to this website. I have registered to post a thread and get some advise as i'm in a physically abusive relationship. I read your post, and I totally agree with you, as the person whom I loved the most in this world started abusing me physically. But, I have also read the replies to your posts by some women who have wonderful men in their lives. Well, it's the matter of luck or fate. I also believe that men are very very childish until atleast the age of 45 - 50!!! My husband is 34 but he behaves very irrational and he can not control his anger. He calms down only after taking out all of his frustrations by beating me. I'm married to this person for 11 months and i'm not too excited to celebrate our 1st aniversary. I feel like I have sufferred and lived with this guy for like 100 years and I lost myself down the line!

abusedwomen,

nobody should take abuse, or have frustrations taken out on her. it's no joke that your husband might not change until he's 50, if even then. you can change your fate in marrying this guy. can you leave? is there any way we can help you?

esort

Wow, I am so sorry that you view men in this way. My husband has his faults to be sure, but never once in 23 years of marriage have I ever been concerned about him being unfaithful. Not a for a single second. He's an attractive man, I'm sure that there have been offers; but he made a commitment to me and it means something to him.

My own parents were married nearly 40 years when my father died and he was faithful to her the entire time too. Uncles, cousins, the list goes on. It sounds to me like you are attracted to the wrong kind of men, as mates and friends.

One female cousin is constantly surprised that her choice in partners cheats on her, but she goes for the same type of man over and over again. When one of those true and faithful men showed her attention he was "too nice" and "there was no chemistry".

I've known cheaters of course, both men and women. But there's usually a very well known pattern. You cannot stand in the middle of a corn field and be surprised to find corn. Very few times in life does this behavior come out of left field without warning.

It is my firm belief that if you enjoy spending time with your partner, you have similiar beliefs, mutual respect, communication skills and a good foundation; your relationship can last forever. YOU set the standard for your relationship. YOU let him know what you will and will not put up with. If you expect garbage and tolerate garbage, you're going to get garbage.

Lots of men cheat, lots of women cheat. Lots of men are garbage, lots of women are garbage.

Better to look at the individual than an entire gender.

abusedwomen,
you do not deserve to be treated this way...
if we can help in any way, please speak up. there should be agencies/shelters/etc. that can help you.

there is more to life that being beaten
Much More
You deserve to be shown respect and loved just the way you are

Peace and Power to You,
Cap

OP, I have "given up" but it's because I have other things on my plate that a relationship would probably hinder. I also think that women generally do better outside of a relationship than men, so it's easier for us to come to that conclusion.

I love men, and I think their differences from women make the "world go around". It's just getting to understand them for who they are.

Ok I have been terrified of men my whole life. I used to think they were all smelly perverts who spit on the sidewalk. Yucky and gross. However my T has been telling me that not all men smell like chilie and beer and they dont all spit in front of women. She said some smell like soap like her husband and care about stuf that you care about. So I have been more open to looking. So I am not an expert but the other day i saw a man sitting by the river his camera eqiupment a few stairs above him and he was sitting there looking at the water. I wanted to go down and ask him what are you thinking about? What do you see as you look at the river? Do you see its beauty in its imperfectio (its swollen and messy from the recent 17 inches of snow and then rain). I wanted to talk to him about stuff. So maybe these men are just the men you pick. If you pick a man who finds you so pretty he wants you for that then maybe he will find somone else later after you start to want more. Maybe you could find a man sitting by a river quietly thinking. A man who has deeper thoughts then how pretty you are. I am not an expert but I have a lot of knowledge about human beings. Maybe you could look for a man at something like a plant club or a college classs for extended learning. I knwo they have classes for walking though woods or meadows or something like that. Then slowly approach him and smell him if he smells like beer or chili run away.

love stephanie

Stephanie, I LOVED your post. Very cool.

I have a lot of marriage AND dating after divorce experience under my belt, but for the past 4 years, since joining PC, I've abstained from dating or trying to meet men in any circumstance. My experiences were SO bad, taking inordinately long times from which to recover. The past 4 years have been peaceful for me, and during that time I worked on and completed my M.A. in Art at a local university...something I had foregone in order to find "Mr. Right." LOL. When I was in "dating mode," I approached each relationship with optimism, and if it seemed to blossom romantically, I put it at the forefront of priorities. Sadly, the significant other did not! I'm not talking minor glitches here, but stalkers, con artists, and perverts who eventually revealed their true colors. This has left me feeling I have a very bad judgment of character, and best to leave the dating to others.
I found a great deal of satisfaction and self-esteem in improving myself thru education. During this time, also, I learned, for the first time to be content alone. I still like men, but no longer think of the possibilities out there.
Sorry if I sound cynical. I'm not really. It's all a process of growth for me.
Love
Patty

I think some men are worth it, and some men are not. You have the honest ones who really want to love you for you and want to be in a relationship for all the right reasons. And then you have the ones that are just not. Same rule applies to women, though. There are both men and women out there that aren't worth it. But, you can't let those bad apples ruin it for the good ones. There are good people out there.

LOL!!!!! slowly approach and open nasal cavities..... Think they can see our nose quiver..

I have been just introducing myself with a hand shake and make very brief conversation then scoot.

I like your post as well Stepahnie . I belive you will catch a king fish one of these days.. .

Patricia

Hi Patty,

I don't think its so much bad judgement on our part as it is they see a victium. Maybe not able to see the red flags but more importantly stay in this denile and confusion as to if we are seeing what we are seeing. Most people do not want to believe these things are possible. I don't and I certainly don't want to belive I'm with someone like that or attracted to them.

Im inspired by what you have done Patty , Don't give up . you have so much to offer . Start a little God box asking to have someone safe and loving to enter your life . You got plenty of time to wait because your not looking. Maybe a surprise will happen. You have an alblum of art work? One of the things I have thought about doing is teaching art. Just don't know if I'm good enough. to pursue that. And Im getting alot older.

Patricia

Hi, Patricia...I'm betting you would be a GREAT Art teacher. A great artist does not necessarily a great teacher make, ya know. It's the ability to SEE students' work from their child perspective that is the better quality, and you seem to have that!
I thank you for your feedback on the relationship with men thing. I seem to have reached a place where I no longer even want that in my life. Can't imagine even wanting to accommodate another's presence. Add to that, that I've already been there/done that quite a bit, and the solo lifestyle is quite pleasant.
Love
Patty