Over 10 months and I have failed.

I feel like the worst person in the world right now and need some support. September 12th was 10 months clean for me. I know soooo much about recovery, read recovery lit. almost everyday, go to at least 3 meetings a week, and try helping a fellow addict everytime I have the chance. Yet, lastnight none that seemed to apply to me. I didn't fall COMPLETELY off the wagon, so to speak, but I did f**k up. As some of you know my only remaining sister is an addict. I hadn't seen her in months until recently and she's moved back home with us. Lastnight we went out on what was intended to be an innocent night. Instead we ended up at a dope dealers house she's friends with and I took only two hits off the meth pipe. For some that may not mean much, two little hits, but for me it's major.

I've went these 10 months taking it one day at a time, praying and asking the God of my understanding to guide me through the day and not let me do anything displeasing to Him. What do I do? I go off and attempt to get high. No, I didn't get high off those two hits. Partly because I have a high tolerance and mostly because I felt so much shame and guilt over it that's all that was on my mind. I don't want to go back where I once was. I don't want to be a junkie anymore. I don't want everyone to look at me and say, "That's Stacy, the junkie we knew couldn't make it clean.", I don't want that!

How do I get away from the dope and stay away? Since my sister has moved back home, it's hard to turn the dope away especially when she has it on her and gives it freely. I've been so depressed every since I got home from Florida last Sunday. I thought by taking a couple hits off the pipe, it'd make me feel better like it used to do. I was wrong. It just made me feel worse and like a complete failure.

What do I do? I have no one to turn to. My friends have disappeared and all I have is my sister but she's not a great influence on me right now. Please, help me, or give me some advice. I'm lost. *sigh*

(((((ozzie)))))

I'm just so mad at myself. 10 months down the frickin drain. I'm SO deep in my recovery and am constantly trying to learn more so it's hard for me to understand WHY I chose to do meth instead of finding another coping skill for my depression.

Just goes to show anyone can relapse if they are not careful. You gotta change your people, places, and things. You gotta find something positive to take place of the negative or you're going to relapse. Although I'm upset with myself right now, I know I'll learn something from it and may be able to help another addict from it.

(((((bama))))) I honestly can't imagine what you must be going through right now. I know what a big deal 2 hits, 2 beers, 2 of anything means to us. It means you come back as a newcomer and start over. It does not mean that you have to go back to using. I see that you did everything right, aside from going to that place with your sister. First, you didn't get high. You didn't let it get to that point where you might say screw it and not come back. And you came here and ratted yourself out! You put on a brave face and asked us for help. You didn't sit and hide and pretend you were still clean and sober. You changed your sobriety date. You were honest with us, yourself, and your higher power. As far as your sister goes, is she supportive of you getting clean? Can she not do anything around you, not have it around you? This topic came up in a meeting last night. This girl found her dad's coke stash. Everyone was telling her to move, get out of the situation. Your sobriety is more important then your sister. Especially more important then her using. If it means you can't see her until she quits, so be it. And if she never quits, she'll never see you. My advice above all would be to go to a meeting, preferably your homegroup, and tell on yourself. Get their support and wisdom. Be prepared for some harsh remarks. But go get your 24 hour chip. And think about what might have led to this. Where might you have been a little lax? What might have caused this? Because this is now all a part of your story. This will be something you will tell a newcomer, or someone who is thinking about relapsing. So analyze the situation and find your part in the night. Learn from the mistake, move on, start putting some 24 hours together again, and start forgiving yourself!!! You never have to use again, not even 2 hits, ever, if you don't want to. Keep remembering that, and keep coming back!

~Rayna

I recommend going here:

www.12steps.org

There's a chat room there and there's always someone there. I go there whenever I need to talk and they're always wiling to listen and give advice.

Dottie

Rayna, thanks for the link and the advice above. Because there is no local meetings in my area, I have to drive 35 minutes to the nearest meeting. So I go on Tuesdays and Thursdays, make two meetings on Thursdays. Plus I go to my IOP meetings on Tuesdays as well. I will be going Tuesday and I will tell everyone in the group what happened. I feel so much shame about it because I've relapsed once before and I had to tell the group and disappointing them is the last thing I'd want to do. Those people have been my backbone many times. But I know I gotta do it in order to fully learn from it and grow.

As far as my sister is concerned, she loves me but she's too far gone right now to care about who she hurts or takes down with her in her addiction. I have no place to go besides here and she lives here too so I can't get away from her. Don't have the money nor resources to do so. It's a complicated situation.

I'm lost... Don't know what to do as far as she's concerned. I wanted sooo bad to help my sister get clean. I've talked to her and talked to her trying to get her to go to meetings with me or just read up on recovery and the difference it's made for people, and then I go and try getting high with her. That makes me feel terrible.

Ok, so there's no getting out of the current situation. And no way to get to a meeting till Tuesday. So...you've accepted the things you cannot change - your sister, the 2 hits, your living situation, the meeting situation, now you need the courage to change the things you can - your attitude on the situation, stop the pour me's and make some phone calls since you can't get to a meeting. You can change the lost feeling by reaching out members of your group even though you can't get to a meeting yet. You already have the wisdom to know the difference. You've been through this before. Look back at what you did following the first relapse. Start taking the action to begin recovering again. It's ok to feel bad about it - for a brief time! If you don't start forgiving yourself and taking some action, you won't begin recovering. Make some calls, try to help another addict, read your books, check out recovery sites, dive into your program, write about the situation, and do a 4th step on yourself! And have you called your sponser? You are a strong woman bama, get strong and get through this!

You're right on everything... Do need to do a 4th step on myself right now. Do need to call people and get at least some sort of insight and encouragement. Do need to change my attitude and look at this from a possibly positive point.

I no longer have a sponser. Mine moved away and the temp. sponser is no longer in our area. I'm still looking for a new sponser.

(((((((((((((((((bama)))))))))))))))))))

you start another day clean. my concern is being in the same house with sister. honey, is there any way that you can move? human services, housing plans, churches, anything?

i'm worried about you living in the same house with someone who uses.

sending peaceful healing wishes full of strength to you dear one.

you're loved,

kd

I know for myself anyway. it took me MANY tries before I was able to stay clean and sober for any amount of time. The thing you need to remember is no one can take that clean time away from you. Something was just not working right and now you might have to take a different approach at it to make it work. NEVER given up because you have made a mistake, NEVER. We are alcoholics/addics and that is what we know best to do. This is changing our whole lifestyle and that takes time and work and we may not get it all at once. Remember what you have learned through this time and use it to build yourself up this time and have a new begining. You are not the first to have failed the first, second, or third time. I think it took me about 6 times before it really started sinking in. Shows how much of a hard headed person and hard willed person I am. But you can d9o it I know. Trust in yourself and believe you can do it, just for today.

Allan

you haven't failed. you slipped..briefly. we love you, pat

Have you been able to reach anyone by phone yet? What are you doing? Do you have chocolate? Are you drinking plenty of water and eating? Is there anyone at central office answering the phones? Wish I could give you a hug and a 24 hour chip. How bout a virtual one?

(((((((((bama)))))))

(TO THINE OWN SELF BE TRUE. 24 HOURS. UNITY SERVICE RECOVERY. GOD GRANT ME THE SERENITY TO ACCEPT THE THINGS I CANNOT CHANGE, COURAGE TO CHANGE THE THINGS I CAN, AND THE WISDOM TO KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.)

K, couldn't make a circe so I used parenthesis. I know the NA chips have a diamond on them but I don't know what they say, so I just put what's on my 24 hour chip. =)

Ok, found an NA chip hehe

(SELF GOD SOCIETY SERVICE FREEDOM GOODWILL. THAT NO ADDICT SEEKING RECOVERY NEED EVER DIE. MY GRATITUDE SPEAKS WHEN I CARE. NA. AND WHEN I SHARE WITH OTHERS THE NA WAY.)

Thank you sooo much Rayna. You're very special and dear to me.

I love y'all too, fayerody. Y'all have helped me so much, I hope I can somehow repay each of you one day by helping anyway I can. Thanks so much.

I actually went out tonight, by myself. Drove around for a good hour or so thinking on what I could do so I went to the mall. The NA meeting was already over for the night so I didn't go there, next best thing was the mall I guess. lol Went into a store called Spencers looking at keychains (I have an obsession with keychains) and someone tapped me on the shoulder. Turned around and it was my old sponser! She was in town for the weekend visiting family. We went to the food court and had some coffee and talked for awhile. Told her about everything going on and she told me, "Don't look at this as a mess up. Look at this as a blessing."... I asked her why and she said, "Because many addicts relapse, sometimes several times before they stay clean and sober. Some are chronic relapsers and because of you knowing how relapse feels, you can help another relapser when the time comes. Every situation we get put in or put ourselves in are situations we can learn from."... The self hatred and self pity is now gone. I'm forgiving myself because I know my God has forgiven me.

I do want to say something, though... To anyone who's used and/or drank and had a problem (addiction) with it. When you first started getting clean and sober, you either feel this enormous weight lifted from you and are excited about the journey you are fixing to embark on or you're feeling miserable because you no longer have any (clean) friends and your life was centered solely around drugs so you don't know any fun places to go, etc, etc, etc... Either way, do not, I repeat, DO NOT lose your hope and faith and figure you can beat this or that it's already beaten you and you can't get back up because it's neither. God gives us wisdom to know the difference between what's right and what's wrong. The moment you start thinking you've had enough help and can go back into the world you once lived in is the moment you're asking for relapse. Or the moment you say to yourself, "I'm never going to amount to anything so why try?", is also the moment you're going to end up relapsing. You can't be strong in this fight addiction. Strength doesn't get you *****... What does get you somewhere in recovery is being SMART. Change your surroundings; the people you hang with, the places you hang out at, get rid of the things that remind you of using dope or drinking. Everytime you feel the urge to use or drink, hit your knees to the floor and start praying to whoever your Higher Power is. The serenity prayer has helped me a great deal.

I've been in recovery long enough to know this fight against addiction isn't a fight at all. Why fight something you know you can not win against? This is when you turn your will and your life over to the care of God as you understand Him. We, at anytime, do NOT take back our care and our will from God, when that happens, you're asking for relapse to walk back into your life. We must keep and stay surrendered to our Higher Power.

I got to where I was starting to think, "I think God has given me enough time away from the dope to make me realize I'm not addicted to it and can use it ever so often.", boy how wrong was I?! That wasn't ME thinking that, it was the dope I was so desperately wanting talking. They called crystal meth the devils drug for a reason... It takes you down roads you'd never imagine going. Those two hits from that pipe lastnight made me realize all this. Made me realize I had taken back what I had given to God... My will and care. The moment I took it back, He sat back with his arms crossed and allowed me to make my mistake. Now I've given it back to Him and I know He can work many things through me and help me.

Hope this all makes sense. It's 1:47am and I'm kinda restless tonight.

Wow! What an amazing gift to have your old sponser just pop up out of the blue! Thank God for keychain obsessions eh? What an amazing post too.....you truly have been given a blessing, in that you didn't succomb to the drug. All the program pounded in your head really messed up your using, as I've heard in meetings! Thank you for sharing this whole experience! You've kept it green for me. I get those thoughts a lot....."You're not an alcoholic! Everyone else's story is way worse then yours! You could have a few! Just get those 32 ouncers by the cash register!" Those thoughts scare me, because I know it's those thoughts that change sobriety dates. I just tell them "Thanks for sharing!" and so far they haven't gotten the best of me. But it's stories like yours that keep it green for me, that keep me in the center of the roof. Thank you so much for your experience strenth and hope. I'm so proud of you!!!! I hope you get some sleep!

~Rayna

Bama, what you old sponsor told you is so true. Many of us have had to go through relapses in order to get where we are today. Remember what you have learned from them. They are a gift to you. Each of us are giving a gift and it is up to us to share that gift with others as we walk along our journey. Doesnt it seem kind of odd your old sponsor being there out of the blue right when you were there. hmmmmmmmm. Things strangle do happen and they happen for a reason. She was to tell you what you needed to hear at that time and for her it was to continue to spread the word of hope we all have for being clean, 12 step work. I am happy for you that you have been giving the chance to have your eyes opes so you may see and the ears opened so you may hear. May you be watched over and remember to pass on what you have learned. Like the say, you have to pass it on in order to keep it. Makes so much sense to me know. Sharing what we know with others.

Allan

Rayna, I think we all get those thoughts every once in awhile, "One drink won't hurt", but then we realize, that one drink will turn into 10 drinks and those 10 drinks will turn into drinking until we can't see straight.

Allan, you're so right. It's all about learning and sharing to help another fellow addict. I'm so grateful that God has given me the emotions of guilt and shame. When I was in active addiction, I had neither really. Did whatever I could to get and keep my high with no guilt or shame of what I was doing. Now God has given me those two emotions so that when I DO think about using or actually use, I'll feel too guilty to continue doing it.

Stacy…
I was off the meter this weekend, found your posts this morning.
Rayna, said just about everything that needs to be said, except for the wise things you told yourself you need to do.

It happens honey, don’t kick yourself any more than you would kick someone else you love. This is a wonderful opportunity to learn, to grow. We learn very little when things are going soft and easy. We really grow through adversity. That is where change occurs.

All you have lost is a date. The things you have learned, you still know then all. One may even say that the tools for keeping clean and sober are clearer in your mind now than they have ever been.

Stacy, I was very proud of you last week, I am even more proud of you today. You are showing great maturity and strength in your outline for what you are going to do now.

Richard

Thank you so much, Richard. ((((((((((Richard))))))))))

I'm slowly forgiving myself. I know if my HP can forgive me, I can forgive myself. I know so much about recovery and staying clean/sober, but I just didn't apply it to myself that night. I can't let myself stay consumed with guilt and shame because it's a trigger for relapse. So I gotta forgive myself and put the shame and guilt away if I want to stay clean. Your words always help me when I'm feeling down. Thank you.

Well, I just got home from IOP group. I told everyone there what I had done and they were all very supportive. Received hugs and well wishes and a few told me their experiences with relapse and helped me understand more about it and how to avoid it next time. Now for my NA meetings.