[BamaSurvivor]

Ok, so I'm still using. I was so confident in myself, thinking I was going to be able to stop cold turkey and get my life back on track and live a clean and serene life and do all these great things with my life. Boy, was I ever wrong! I've let myself down once again and it really sucks.

I've let myself go so much since I've started using again. I didn't realize how much damage I've done until today, and I'm so sick and disgusted with myself for it. I've dropped the only two real friends I had for a bunch of drug addict friends who I party with on the weekends, I haven't seen my goddaughter in over 2 weeks (I never go more than a day without seeing her), I've quit putting makeup on when I leave the house, I've quit dressing up nice, I've quit being close to my mother and letting her in on my life, I've lost touch with my Higher Power, and my health is in miserable shape right now.

Everytime I use Ice, I start bleeding "down there". It kills my kidneys with pain and I bleed the whole time I'm using and if I go a day without using, the bleeding stops and the pain subsides. I used almost half an 8 (if you know how much that is) by myself yesterday evening and lastnight. There went the bleeding and kidney pain again. I wake up today and go to stand up and I pass out. Wake up on my bedroom floor with my mom smacking me lightly on the face. I've fainted two more times since then, that was around 2pm and it's 9pm now. I can't walk more than a few steps without getting dizzy and losing my breath and almost passing out. I know it is tied to my using dope somehow, just haven't figured out how it's tied to it yet. I only had about 3 good puffs of dope left in my pipe this evening and felt fine for a little while after I finished it off. Then when it started wearing off, my body got bad again. Mom says my lips look purple and I know my body feels like complete hell.

Why? Why do I keep doing this to myself? Why can I be so confident in not using, yet when it actually comes time to say no, I can't? Why am I slowly killing myself at 19 years old and a part of me doesn't really give a damn? I'm frickin' 19 years old and feel like I have the body of a 80 year old. I constantly stay sick now, I eat maybe once every couple of days, my body is constantly aching, not to mention everytime I use dope I bleed like a stuck hog. I don't want to die this way, I really don't. I don't want to end up like my sister, with HIV from using dope with other users. I don't want to end up like my brother, dieing in a loved ones arms from an overdose. I want to be different from them. I want my family to be proud of me. I want to be proud of me.

I'm sooo sick and tired of being sick and tired! I'm tired of waking up each morning fiending for my next hit. I'm tired of waking up, feeling like I have to have the dope in order to function each day. I'm tired of looking in the mirror and seeing a ghost, someone I don't even know anymore. I'm so sick and disgusted with myself for the ***** I'm putting my body and mind through and I'm tired of the ***** I'm doing to get my body and mind in this shape.

Have I not hit my rock bottom yet? How much further down can I possibly go? I've been raped, I've overdosed, I've sold myself for dope, now I'm killing myself for dope. When is enough really enough? No one understands that I REALLY do want to get clean. No one understands that I REALLY am trying. No one understands that somewhere along the way of this last relapse, I've completely lost myself and I'm not so sure I can find her this time. Will I die a junkie? I hope not. When I die, will God understand and grant me eternity with Him in heaven? At this point, I'm afraid He wouldn't and that hurts so much.

... Why?

[LMo]

Bama, I am so sorry. My thoughts are with you. I hope you can get yourself into rehab, no matter what it costs. Somethings feel insurmountable and that's when external boundaries help the most.

Thinking of you,
Love,
LMo

[SleepsWithButterFlies]

I feel really sad for you and sorry but have no words of wisdom. I DO know God loves you in spite of what you do...I am thinking you will HAVE to as they say HIT BOTTOM to get back to the top but Bama I don't know what your bottom is I keep you in my prayers and hope and pray you get some professional help...I KNOW its not easy at all and I CARE

[BamaSurvivor]

((((( LMo and Sleeps ))))) Thank you both for caring.

I called a place called The Bridge today, it's a rehab facility that keeps you a max of 28 days and then you can either be released into the real world or go into a "safe home" for a little while. They said they had no open beds available and had a two page waiting list. So I said screw it and didn't search for any other facilities. The Bridge is the cheapest rehab center in our area. The others want at least $500 up front and then payments. I don't have $500 up front, nor does my family. We're all struggling right now. So here I sit wondering what's the point.

[LMo]

What about outside of your area? Seems to me that a change of environment would really help you.

Don't give up -- this is one of the most important things you can do for yourself and for your future. Keep at it. Let me know if I can help you research or anything like that.

[SleepsWithButterFlies]

The point is YOU ...YOU matter.....let me think on this ...maybe you will have to do out pt or go to er or I need to think but aa/na maybe has some free ideas?

[BamaSurvivor]

Going out of my area just means more expenses. If I check myself into rehab, my parents would be the ones having to pay for it. Me being a junkie isn't my parents fault, so they shouldn't have to pay for it. They've already payed TWICE for me to go to treatment. I failed them both times. Don't know if I can bear failing them again.

wierd situation for a friend of mine but it worked for her. She went to the local ER and told them she was thinking about killing herself. She elaborated on a plan to do so (no she had no intention of doing it but because she was actively suicidal they admitted her. during the two psych interviews she also stated she hadn't used in so many hours and will be hitting withdrawal soon so during her stay on the unit she went through withdraw. and then when it came time to release her from the unit the therapist and doctor would not release her until they got her into a rehab program. basically they bypassed the waiting lists because they thouyght she was an immediate danger to herself. Good luck.

[LMo]

Honestly, Bama, if I were your parents, I would rather pay more money to see you in rehab than watch you suffer like this. Also inquire if there are loans you can get for rehab... stuff like that might be available.

[LMo]

Bama - I will make a few calls tomorrow to see if there is some financial assistance you can apply for, ok? I tried a national grant finder this evening but they were closed for the day.

Hang in there,
LMo

[SleepsWithButterFlies]

I agree with lmo your folks love you and bama they have seen it they must know you are using......also myself had a good idea......maybe just go talk to mom and see what they say...it is a disease ...you are worth working on a cure

[BamaSurvivor]

My dad knows, he's always knew... Hell, I stayed clean for 10 months and the mother f*cker still accused me everyday of using. To him, I've always been a junkie and I'll always be a junkie. I've come to terms with that, so it's ok. As far as my mom is concerned, I think she knows but I think she's in denial of it so she won't admit to herself that her baby girl has relapsed and is using again. She's got enough on her right now, my sister having HIV due to sharing rigs (needles) with her druggie friends is really messing with my moms head. It's brought back a lot of memories for her dealing with my brothers death and she's trying to prepare for Stephanies death even though it could be a long time before she goes. I do not want to add to that stress. My moms a good woman, she doesn't deserve to be put through this time and time again. Don't know what to do at this point. URG! So frustrated.

[Allan]

There are 3 things a using addict can look forward to. They are jail, institutions, and death. That is unless they make the choice to turn their lives around. Not much of a choice if you ask me anyway.

Allan

[wi_fighter]

Bama, you sound a lot like my daughter. Any time other people make a suggestion that would help with some of her problems, she starts in with excuses why it won't work, often before the whole sentence is finished by the other person.

There has to be a way to get you in to rehab that won't tax your parents financially. You have to get out of that living situation if you're ever going to get better. Honestly, rehab will be a lot less expensive in the long run than another funeral and the pain your mother will have to go through from losing all of her kids.

You know I'm not saying any of this to hurt you. I know deep down you're a great girl who deserves a clean, healthy life. You can break this cycle. It's going to be hard, anything worth doing is, but you don't have to keep living this way.

There's got to be a way around the system. If people can be forced into rehab against their will, why can't people who are begging for it get in?

[BlueFaith]

There *HAS* to be some way to get you into a rehab facility inexpensively. It's time to stop making excuses about why you can't or what might happen. You have to kick into gear and take some sort of control here , Bama. I'm sorry you haven't had much luck finding a rehab to get into thus far. But keep looking and searching.... call anyone and everyone you know that might be able to help you. Your life is at stake here... it's worth all the calling and searching you can muster. I'm thinking of you, and you're definitely in my prayers..

[Kismet]

Bama,
There are ALWAYS options. Yes, rehab would be nice but it is not necessary in order to clean-up. Millions manage to get clean and sober without rehab. I think you know that. You can call friends in NA; you can check yourself into a hospital for detox and follow up by going to a SoberHouse. You can go hang at meetings all day. You can decide that you cant fight it and give it to God. I know as long as I tried to fight it it didnt work. I'm not saying it is easy but i am saying its possible. If you want it as bad as you say you do you will find a way. I did. So did others on this board. You can too.
My thoughts and prayers are with you....

[LMo]

Bama - I made some phone calls - am sending you a PM.

Love,
LMo

[BamaSurvivor]

Thanks for the PM, LMo. ((((( LMo )))))

I'm not intentionally trying to make excuses. Believe it or not, I do still have a heart and a conscience (sp?) and part of that is me not wanting my mom to suffer again. But you did make a good point, WI. Would be less expensive in the long run to get into treatment rather than die from my addiction.

Still not sure I'll check myself into an inpatient clinic, but if I don't, I will start going back to NA meetings daily and I'll start getting more into my NA lit again.

Today is Tuesday... I haven't used since Sunday. well, I took three hits yesterday from my pipe but that's pretty much nothing compared to what I usually do. Body is aching like hell.

[LMo]

Bama, you're smart and have your head on straight. I have a lot of faith in you after following your posts for what... a year now? You definitely have some challenges ahead of you but I do believe that if anyone can overcome this, you can.

The other thought about the expense is that the sooner you get into treatment, the sooner you can put your life together and get more education, a really well-paying job, and get yourself out of an environment where you are exposed to so many drug users. The sooner you're on a career track, the sooner you'll meet new, professional, ambitious people to influence you. And the sooner you get into rehab, the sooner you can start your new life.

Stay strong,
LMo

[SilkySpeed7]

i am really sorry to hear about your rough time right now....i think you should go to treatment right away. To heck with the expenses. this is your life you are talking about and it prolly will be far less expensive then the funeral. you prollly need to get into treatment right away so they can help you with withdrawels and what not. I totally agree with checking into the hospital saying you are suicidal. Techincally us drug addicts are so it isn't a lie. THis way they will get you the help you need. otherwise you prolly wont be getting clean. have you thought about moving? you havengt failed yet, you just havent succedded. relapses happen, we are addicts this is what we do sometimes. the good new is that recovery is possible. we jsut hae to find what works for us. I have checked myself in before to a hospital saying i was suicidal when i wasn't and most of the times the county paid for it.........look into that........there are resources available if you look..............best of luck and remember there is hope..........

[BlueFaith]

(((((((((((Bama)))))))))))))
I seriously thought about you all day after I first read this thread. I'm truly worried about you, hun. I could never imagine how hard this is for you, but I will be here to support you whenever you need me! I am praying hard that you find the help you need very, very soon. You are strong, and you are worth it, and you *CAN* get through this.

[BamaSurvivor]

Thanks everyone for the suggestions and encouraging words. It means more to me than you all really know. (((((((((( everyone ))))))))))

I finally went today and seen my godaughter and godson. First time I've seen him since he was born almost 2 months ago. First time I've seen Kenzie in over two weeks. Seeing them, holding them, playing with them, it all made me think really hard. They mean the world to me, they are like my own. I want to be able to watch them grow up and have families of their own. I can't do that being out on the street trying to find my next fix.

Now I truely realize why they say take this recovery business one day at a time. I stayed clean today, although the withdrawals have been hell. Hoping I can stay clean tomorrow as well, but I can't let myself think too far ahead because it scares the hell out of me to think of staying clean the rest of my life. It's too much for me to take in at one time. So one day at a time it shall be.

[LMo]

I'm proud of you, Bama. You have a clean heart. Your body will follow. Good job!

What can we do to support you?

[BamaSurvivor]

I sure hope so. A lot of drug addicts lose their sense of care and love for others when they are in active addiction. I did the first go around, but for some reason I kept my loving heart this time around and for that, I am grateful. I did lose self respect and self love, but I never stopped loving my family or treated them with disrespect like in the past.

What can y'all do to support me? Y'all are doing it. Just being here for me when I need someone to listen (read) and giving me honest advice.

A friend of mine has offered to come get me and let me stay with him in Florida for awhile until I get my head clear and can come back to Alabama and be able to say no to the dope. I've known him for a little over 2 years and have met him a few times in the process. So I may be headed towards Florida for awhile to get my head on right and prepare myself for the temptation that's here in Alabama.

[LMo]

That is a great idea, Bama. A change of environment will probably help immensely. Do you trust this guy?