Yesterday: another long walk in an unseasonably warm morning. Cleaned house a bit, tidied up and headed over to the folks. Spent the afternoon baking bread with my mother and helping father correct his students' papers. We had potato-leek soup, just incredible. As I have not been sleeping well of late, I was in bed by 8. I woke up sober and went to bed sober. That was my day. Naturally I am up early (again) on New Year's Day. The simple fact that I can see my day so clearly in front of me -what I need/want to do and the means to follow through with that-represents a major victory; after all, this time a week ago, I was looking for a bottle to start my day.

*I highly recommend a change in geography to people who are trying to get out of a rut; even a small change seems to make a difference in many cases.

Originally Posted by gulas

Yesterday: another long walk in an unseasonably warm morning. Cleaned house a bit, tidied up and headed over to the folks. Spent the afternoon baking bread with my mother and helping father correct his students' papers. We had potato-leek soup, just incredible. As I have not been sleeping well of late, I was in bed by 8. I woke up sober and went to bed sober. That was my day. Naturally I am up early (again) on New Year's Day. The simple fact that I can see my day so clearly in front of me -what I need/want to do and the means to follow through with that-represents a major victory; after all, this time a week ago, I was looking for a bottle to start my day.

*I highly recommend a change in geography to people who are trying to get out of a rut; even a small change seems to make a difference in many cases.

this is encouraging gulas.

....sober

[Betty_Banana]

Yesterday(new year's eve) I started celebrating early in the day. Started getting high around 2:30 pm, then started drinking shortly after that. I had a really good buzz going, but then started questioning what I was doing and thinking is this really how I want to start the new year?

I took a short nap, sobered up and rang in the new year without a buzz. Maybe this year will be different afterall.

Originally Posted by Lost_In_Thought

Yesterday(new year's eve) I started celebrating early in the day. Started getting high around 2:30 pm, then started drinking shortly after that. I had a really good buzz going, but then started questioning what I was doing and thinking is this really how I want to start the new year?

I took a short nap, sobered up and rang in the new year without a buzz. Maybe this year will be different afterall.

thats heaps good Lost In Thought...
what a revelation to have in the middle of a buzz!
sounds like it's just not what works for you anymore maybe?

(.....me sober again)

[AniManiac]

Still sober. Still not loving it.

I always forget about this, but when I am completely sober, the dreams come back. Sometimes they are OK but usually they are distressing, playing out all the pressures and anxieties of waking life so that I never get a moment's escape. I wake up feeling stressed and anxious, which is not a great way to start the day.

Oh well. I guess this is just how it is for me.

dili hubog; nugter; matino; tenang...I'm sober, in any language. Today, thankfully, that's enough for me.

Originally Posted by gulas

dili hubog; nugter; matino; tenang...I'm sober, in any language. Today, thankfully, that's enough for me.

hehe...thats classic gulas!

being sober sometimes plays weird games with my mind...
like I establish this pattern of not drinking, slip into it effortlessly albeit after an initial shaky start!

so there I am gettin' around sober, not drinking...not thinking. Then this dopy little voice in my head goes..."sober??...huh?, well how bout' that buddy?...what is it exactly, that you are sober from huh?.....that wouldn't be alcohol would it?...nice cool beer!!...that kind of thing..huh??"

what? (I suddenly think),was that!!?

...and again
(dopy little voice sounding dumber even)
"that wouldn't be that drinkin' thing you done before that you be gettin' all sober about now would it be would it huh??...well huh??"

so suddenly...inexplicabababably I have drinking 'front and centre' in my head...my nose may as well be a bar stool and I'm sitting on it looking through my eyes directly at my frontal lobe...imagining the pleasant re-adjustments that have been achieved there before!

This is what happens to me...it's my description of complacency, inevitably brought about by how aggressively I aquire sobriety following a relapse. I dump my alcoholism in some dark dank backyard in my mind....then I bury it.

so maybe the dopy little voice that just gets dumber the more it says...maybe it's helped me today?


made me think....and I didn't drink

[madisgram]

can't express how much joy i feel for all of your posts. it helps me "keep it green"-recalling my early years of sobriety. getting sober can be harder than staying sober. and yet you forge onward with a desire to change your life for the better. to regain a life that was lost.. i was where many of you are now and you all keep your vision of sobriety even if you're struggling.
thought i'd repeat the promises of AA. the promises do come true tho right now they may seem unattainable. of one thing i am certain. by staying sober one day at a time they will come true for you.

If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through.
(1) We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness.
(2) We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.
(3) We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace.
(4) No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others.
(5) That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear.
(6) We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows.
(7) Self-seeking will slip away.
(8) Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change.
(9) Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us.
(10) We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us.
(11) We will suddenly realize that God/a Higher Power is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.
(12) Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us—sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them.
http://homepage.eircom.net/~recovery/promises.html

I had a normal morning. I was able to do some cleaning around the house, more than usual. The weather is enjoyable and walking was relaxing. I took my wife to her drs appt.. Life seems manageable for now. I haven't thought about using too much today. I walked away from some friends who were smoking cigs. I was friendly, but I wasn't in the mood. I look forward to seeing my psychologist later this week. I need to increase my sleep because I am too tired during the day.

Madisgram, I had reciprocal feelings along those lines but you beat me to the punch: you're the reason I keep posting here, plain and simple. But don't worry, I won't canonize you...yet.

[Hearty]

Well, so far so good.

For the first time in eons, I was completely vice-free on New Year's Eve...No alcohol, drugs, cigarettes, hookups, meds...

Instead of accepting an invitation to go to a bar, I invited an old friend over for cooking, singing and playing music. I struggled with pain and emptiness throughout the evening, as caving into my cravings and just having "one" was never far from my thought. But I reminded myself that "just1" would lead to many, and waking up in shame and destroying all the good I've done for myself in the last 3 weeks. I can't quite put my finger on what's happening to me, but slowly destroying myself is no longer an option for me...maybe it's the sleeping, cutting out meds and toxic substances, or running... Not sure, but I feel more even and hopeful...

I have to get healthy and be strong for my loved ones. I cannot abandon them by ending it the way my father did...checking out seems selfish and cowardly now. I can't put them through the pain...I can't give up.

[gma45]

headache just down today nothing happening just down.

[AniManiac]

One week sober for pot. Three days on alcohol - I'm going to try to give it up at least until meds are sorted.

Still craving cigarettes, which is still really bizarre. I continue to be surprised by it. Today I was thinking about how I could make a stop off at the convenience store by campus after my meeting. I turned in the other direction and just went home.

.....empty but so what?...feelin' way un-creative.
brain is just doing the very basics...

aint so bad

sober

Sober is not a bad way to be. One can still drink with great gusto everything else that life has to offer. That's my plan...to become drunk again with all the other things that life has to offer, with the exception of alcohol. Cheers to all!

I'm feeling a little down today, but I'm clean. I wish I had friends, I guess I'm not interesting enough for anyone. Well, it is what it is... I'll go with my wife to her dr today, maybe that will get my mind on something else. Sometimes I wish I could leave civilization behind and live in a smaller community of folk who supported each other and helped each other survive. Instead I live in a conglomorate of competing people and interests. I feel about as important and as vulnerable as an ant on a busy sidewalk in a busy city in anywhere accross the globe. Yay progress(not).

[Betty_Banana]

Just had a bad memory come up. Now I am shaking and panicky. So wanna get high, but I have to work soon. Working/being wasted don't work so well together, so for now I am clean and sober......

[AniManiac]

Originally Posted by gulas

Sober is not a bad way to be. One can still drink with great gusto everything else that life has to offer. That's my plan...to become drunk again with all the other things that life has to offer, with the exception of alcohol. Cheers to all!

I wish I felt I could achieve this sort of idealized "high on life" but my basis for comparison (hypomania) is so skewed that it seems an absurd idea. I think a lot of my substance use has been about seeking that same high artificially, which at its best still comes nowhere near the hypomanic experience.

Maybe once I've been on meds awhile I'll be able to experience things this way? Still trying to enjoy what I can of this existence in the meantime.

AniManiac, I have always gulped when I should have perhaps sipped. Is this a symptom of being bipolar? Maybe it is. And maybe all these lows have been the direct result of having loved and lived in such an all-consuming way. So be it. But I think I am learning slowly how to rein myself in a bit, to save more of myself for myself, to not give so whole-heartedly that I am left only with the charred remains of my self, as it were. And lest my prose here turns completely purple , let me just wrap it up by saying that in your (new, sober) life you may never experience again anything quite like the manic phases we've all come to know and love. In fact, I'm quite sure of it. But it may prove to be a more sustainable, if somewhat muted bliss. I do know that I must slay the romantic in me in order to really produce serious work (and serious love); of course no one wants to slay the creativity that comes along with that...but my romantic was quite the destructive fellow as well. I slashed and burned my way through life. So really the only responsible thing to do is break the old, un-sustainable molds and build something that will last longer than a summer or a semester. Speaking for myself here of course.

Do I sound high? I hope not. Still very sober here, wishing everyone else the same. Nor am I manic. Actually I'm just sitting here very quietly, gently typing away as I wait for a little peace so as to resume my fascinating book.

[AniManiac]

Originally Posted by gulas

AniManiac, I have always gulped when I should have perhaps sipped. Is this a symptom of being bipolar? Maybe it is. And maybe all these lows have been the direct result of having loved and lived in such an all-consuming way. So be it.

That drew a grin - I have always operated on the principle of "all or nothing." I don't know that being intense and passionate is all that bad, but we seem to take it to a new extreme. I can't say that I regret it, but moderation sure doesn't come naturally.

Originally Posted by gulas

let me just wrap it up by saying that in your (new, sober) life you may never experience again anything quite like the manic phases we've all come to know and love. In fact, I'm quite sure of it. But it may prove to be a more sustainable, if somewhat muted bliss... So really the only responsible thing to do is break the old, un-sustainable molds and build something that will last longer than a summer or a semester. Speaking for myself here of course.

I'm trying to come to terms with this. It's so hard to say goodbye to being in love with the world when the replacement seems to be "meh." I can't handle the enormous variability in cognitive function and I'm in treatment precisely because I know it's not sustainable.

Intellectually, I know what I'm trading and that it's worthwhile. There's quite a bit of relief in the return of mental capacity that's otherwise vaporized by depression, but it's achingly painful to think that I'll never experience that euphoria and heightened mental clarity again.

Originally Posted by gulas

Do I sound high? I hope not. Still very sober here, wishing everyone else the same. Nor am I manic. Actually I'm just sitting here very quietly, gently typing away as I wait for a little peace so as to resume my fascinating book.

Not to me - you write lovely, thoughtful prose.

[AniManiac]

Still sober, but under immense stress with lousy coping skills. I increased my antidepressants today (pre-approved by doc) because it's the only thing I can do to try to mitigate the depressive fallout of anxiety while staying sober. Ironically, anxiety is a side effect of this med.

It just doesn't seem like a healthy response to take my non-addictive anxiety meds since it's tantamount to checking out for the next 12 hours and throwing away tomorrow morning as well, which I can ill afford. Somehow that's considered more acceptable than using pot, which leaves me much more functional with fewer side effects. I doubt I'll ever understand that logic.

I don't know how long I can hold out if things don't improve.

[RapidFlyer]

(((((((((((((AniManiac)))))))))))))

I hear you. Sometimes the med stuff we do makes no sense against the self medicating stuff we know works too.

For ME I have to remember that one is legal and the other isn't. That my goal is to stay sober and clean of illegal drugs and really give the meds a chance to work.

Hang in there. Sometimes it makes no sense in the beginning of being sober and clean. Ask Questions. Do research on the internet. I am really into educating myself.

I was an undiagnosed Bipolar for years into my AA recovery. When I finally started to get treated it was a nightmare. I hated giving up the highs. The lows I could live without. The hypo mania anger/anxiety i could live without. It took a long time to finally accept that I would survive in a world that had hills instead of mountains.

I do and it's wonderful today. Sober and Clean. Since 1984. (when my meds are on track)

Hang in there.

[RapidFlyer]

Hi. I am sober and clean 27 years, free of nicotene 1 year and 2 months, Free of sugar and carbohydrates 49 days, and happy to be alive.

I am grateful that I found this area to post in. I got a lot out of the shares and what everyone said from when this thread started. thanks for being there and being honest.

Sometimes I want to smoke a cig or eat the things I choose not to eat today and it gets overwhelming.

Sometimes I forget how bad drinking and using is and I play with the idea in my head. Then my memory gets green again. No I won't go there.

I am staying abstinent One Day at a time. This here's my check in.

.....sober another day

Brose, besor, robes, orbes, sobre, breso...it's a jumble but still SOBER.

Is cross talk allowed here ? :-)...Congrats Rapid Flyer. 27 yrs is astounding. Still working on numero uno here.