[AniManiac]

Originally Posted by RapidFlyer

(((((((((((((AniManiac)))))))))))))

I hear you. Sometimes the med stuff we do makes no sense against the self medicating stuff we know works too.

For ME I have to remember that one is legal and the other isn't. That my goal is to stay sober and clean of illegal drugs and really give the meds a chance to work.

Hang in there. Sometimes it makes no sense in the beginning of being sober and clean. Ask Questions. Do research on the internet. I am really into educating myself.

I was an undiagnosed Bipolar for years into my AA recovery. When I finally started to get treated it was a nightmare. I hated giving up the highs. The lows I could live without. The hypo mania anger/anxiety i could live without. It took a long time to finally accept that I would survive in a world that had hills instead of mountains.

I do and it's wonderful today. Sober and Clean. Since 1984. (when my meds are on track)

Hang in there.

Thanks, RapidFlyer - really appreciate this.

The legal/illegal distinction is less meaningful to me, but I won't get into the sociopolitical reasons for that. But I know that being sober should help my meds work better, so that's why I'm hanging on.

[AniManiac]

Still sober; I'm not counting the days, because staying sober is all that really matters, right?

Feeling much better today. I gave in and increased my antidepressants. Yesterday's hike in mood stabilizers also seems to be having the predictable result today - feeling more optimistic, a tiny bit "speeded up," and slightly more distracted.

At moments like this, I realize the meds are making such a big difference that I'd be an idiot to screw with that by using. I'm hopeful that when I get to the right levels on the meds, things will even out a bit more and I'll be able to get back to learning how to enjoy life without being self-destructive in the process.

I'm feeling better than yesterday, but not much. My birth family... I wish they would grow up, wake up, I don't know. I've never had any children, but it seems like I have about a dozen. I am soooo tired. I'm clean today. I am grateful for that. Believe it or not, things can still get worse, much worse I'm sure. I'm seeing my psychologist today. It will help me to put things that are bothering me in the right perspective so that I can be healthy and productive.

[madisgram]

i just thought of saying we use...whoever got up the earliest today is the one most sober.
...a day at a time-yup.

[RapidFlyer]

Here's me. Sober and Abstinent today. Good day till doc told me my meds were off. Then I go PO'd. I did do the responsible thing and follow directions and am upping the meds and doing what I am supposed to do.

The day was beautiful here and because I am sober I can appreciate it and enjoy it.

I wanna be high on life today

A new day dawns...a sober fellow yawns.

....no change from yesterday,

don't know about the rest of Australia?

but it's all sober in my home

It is snowing today. I am glad about that. I slept a little more than usual last night. That feels good today. Yesterday, I was very tired. I am clean again today and I haven't thought about using so far. I am grateful about that. I know I'll never be the addict who "knows" he or she will never use again. I do believe there is a time and a place for, most likely, everything under the sun on earth. Now is not the time for using for me, not even close. I have to concentrate about all the time to keep myself and my life manageable as it is now. If I started using, things would become unmanageable very soon. I don't want that today. I am happy about my life today and am hopeful about my future.

[RapidFlyer]

Sober today and grateful to be alive. grateful to be able to be angry at my doctor and know it's okay and it too will pass. Grateful to be abstinent.

[AniManiac]

Sober and delighted to see the numbers going down on my scale. No empty calories from alcohol, no binge eating from pot, and appetite "realignment" from meds is working a miracle. This is a side effect I don't mind at all!

[gma45]

Just found this, Thanks madisgram great tread. I am feeling better need to get back to a meeting though. total sobriety is very difficult for me. I am just not in the right place yet. I don't want to drink like I used to sometimes I just do. and I know it could kill me that doesn't seem to faze me. How do you get rid of the slow death wish?

[RapidFlyer]

Gratefully sober and abstinent in spite of my meds today!!!! I have not picked up a cigarette either. I am making it one day at a time through this insane business of having my meds changed up all around me.

I am grateful I want sobriety and abstinence more than anything else today.

[Hearty]

A call from my mother had me feeling pretty hopeless. She has a way of angering me while simultaneously leaving me defenseless with guilt. She insists on hurting me by dragging up horrible things from the past, and having me re-live it with her. I start crying out of frustration because she can't and won't listen to how I feel...and she says she's too old and tired to feel bad and hangs up. All in the name of love...a broken, misguided, jisatsu love. All I wanted to do was reach for anything to numb myself with for the rest of the day.

I woke up after a few hours of sleep and realized that I need to get help or I'm going to carry it around with me again...So I made a call to AA, even though I fought through the triggers and didn't give in. God, I'm a mess. I'm embarrassed that I sounded like a scared little girl, but a kind man on the other end gently guided me through the conversation, and told me that all I had to do was go and say my name.

The "stand" of the tide is a good analogy for my sobriety. That brief period when the tide is neither ebbing nor flooding. I don't feel any of the richness of life at the moment, though the promise is as close at hand as low-hanging grapes. More often than not, it feels as distant as the moon. One's 40s are supposed to be a rich time in the grand scheme of life but I have seldom feel thus, now nearly two years into that grand decade. One knows intuitively where bliss is to be found-in love, in literature, in music and travel-and the means are there but where is the volition? Sobriety, even my hard-earned sobriety-feels like a small, shallow victory at present-L. Cohen's "cold and very broken halleluliah."

...some weird movements in the brain these last couple of days, strangely authoritative comments about....of all things??

Alcohol..

some dramatic reconstructions of past alcoholic adventures minus the anguish...!!
Oh how convenient...
Mr Alcohol only wants to be remembered for his kind heart and playful nature.
what an interesting development....and am I surprised??
Well nope. I will have many discussions with Mr Alcohol....after all, he is my business partner in my struggling little company.
certainly not a silent partner!

It will be interesting to see what I do regarding Mr Alcohol's suggestions?

....sober today

[madisgram]

that monkey on yr back is bouncing up and down db. make a list of gratitude by not drinking, it may help. each day a new beginning.

I feel blessed today by my higher power. I experienced emotions today. For me, that can be a rarity, though it has been happening more and more lately. I would rather feel crushing sadness, than nothing. I am glad it is the weekend, I can rest a bit till monday. I don't feel the compulsion to use today. Thanks God for that!

[RapidFlyer]

Sober today and grateful to be so. Abstinent also. Still frustrated over the med situation but more accepting today than yesterday. Talked to my sponsor last night and that helped greatly. I got outside today and played with my dogs and enjoyed the pretty day for an hour. Sobriety is truly awesome when I get out of the way and let my HP run the show.

Sending hugs to all who are struggling and working towards finding their own way towards sobriety.

Letting go has been mentioned in the other thread. I like to think-or shudder to think-that my addiction ravaged me to the extent that at the bottom of that horror, I had already let go of most things that were dear to me. And most fears. For surely our fears center around things that matter to us. We fear that our job will end, our romance will fade, our body will decay. None of these things any longer concerned me at the nadir (was there a zenith?). I had successfully drank my self away.

What did drink really do to you, if you had to summarize in a sentence? It took the edge off but didn't end there, did it? No, surely, it got greedy and kept on nibbling away at the rest of you, until there wasn't much left of the original....There are no more edges now...which is not the same as letting go.

There's no alcohol in me today and I really do feel sober. But I'm not sure what's left.

Originally Posted by madisgram

that monkey on yr back is bouncing up and down db. make a list of gratitude by not drinking, it may help. each day a new beginning.

thankyou madisgram....the simplest suggestions work the best for the most complicated of characters.

I like the way you incorporated the bouncing monkey...he is always there....and I tend to let him get away with the jumping.

....no drinking today

[summeryoga]

Originally Posted by dubblemonkey

hehe...thats classic gulas!

being sober sometimes plays weird games with my mind...
like I establish this pattern of not drinking, slip into it effortlessly albeit after an initial shaky start!

so there I am gettin' around sober, not drinking...not thinking. Then this dopy little voice in my head goes..."sober??...huh?, well how bout' that buddy?...what is it exactly, that you are sober from huh?.....that wouldn't be alcohol would it?...nice cool beer!!...that kind of thing..huh??"

what? (I suddenly think),was that!!?

...and again
(dopy little voice sounding dumber even)
"that wouldn't be that drinkin' thing you done before that you be gettin' all sober about now would it be would it huh??...well huh??"

so suddenly...inexplicabababably I have drinking 'front and centre' in my head...my nose may as well be a bar stool and I'm sitting on it looking through my eyes directly at my frontal lobe...imagining the pleasant re-adjustments that have been achieved there before!

This is what happens to me...it's my description of complacency, inevitably brought about by how aggressively I aquire sobriety following a relapse. I dump my alcoholism in some dark dank backyard in my mind....then I bury it.

so maybe the dopy little voice that just gets dumber the more it says...maybe it's helped me today?


made me think....and I didn't drink

Wow, monkey ... wow. xo

[AniManiac]

Still being a good girl. It's not so hard when everything else is going OK. But the moment my moods slip or anxiety kicks in, I just want a little piece of oblivion.

Bonus: not craving cigarettes anymore, and hoping that lasts! Almost gave in.

[RapidFlyer]

Today I am really grateful I am sober, abstinent, and smoke free. I am so Restless Irritable and Discontented today it's nuts. I don't know if it's just me or my Mental Health. Duh, they are both the same thing. Hmmmm. I think I am in trouble.

Well, No matter what I am staying sober, abstinent, and smoke free just for today so there mind.

Life just does not stop because I stop using substances. The 12 steps help me cope with life without the substances. I will go work on step 3.

[Hearty]

Went out for a fantastic 12 mile run on a picturesque trail with my new friend. It was our best run yet. The steady rush of endorphins had us engaged in non-stop conversation while I playfully kept pushing her to pick-up the pace. I was thankful that the wounds were mercifully dormant for the duration of the run. It felt so good that I didn't want it to end.

It's evening now. The blue sky has turned grey-black, and the wounds are returning again. I'm very aware that melancholy and urge are rapidly creeping up on me. It always feels like an unfamiliar place...but I know that I've been here before...many times...

[Caretaker Leo]

I started to see - really see things around me. And I started to feel things. Thank you to whoever is sharing their angel with me.