[Mara Mountain]

Sorry Madi.. I fell off the wagon again..you sent a really inspiring message last time and I did good for a few days after that and then I don't know exactly which thought triggered my need but I felt the need to drink again. A little worse but I'm hoping I can get the energy to find an AA to visit tomorrow...

[beauflow]

i want to give up and give in.
I am getting tired of things again.

I am lost with out a way to go,
I have nothing to help me grow.

I thought i was strong, but i am weak.
I hate that aspect of me, weak, weak, weak.


Ok i am not a poet... and that made me chuckle a bit.

I am a little low right now.

I see no change happening.. and I had hoped for a change at some point.
I am lost at what to do for a change some times for me..... what do art? do walks? I know these little things do well for some small time... but at the same time, i need a bigger change some times i think.


I stood up, got knocked down.
Am not heard by anyone around.

I have been debating with self inside about smoking weed again, but I have not... I keep reminding myself it will not do any good. where will it get me? an escape from reality.

reality will just be waiting for me when I get "back".

Not only that, but the last time i smoked- I was rather paranoid with everything then i just thought -- sure some good thoughts came but at the same time... where will it get me.

I feel like a failure in life, just in general.

I know, stay strong...

keep that chin up, right?

thanks.

[-Astral-]

Hi how is everyone doing ?
Am not doing so well at the moment ...i keep thinking about drinking ...its on the tv ads for drinks and its making me feel like i want it so bad
i have cravings , i miss going out with friends drinking but i know i cant do that one because i have social anxiety and the other because i know i will be very ill if i drink

Am 1 year and 14 weeks since the last time i drank am 6 months since the last time i took drugs
My husband is being supportive and he says i don't need the drink because am better off with out it

I hope everyone is doing well and staying strong

[roads]

dear ((((((beauflow ))))))any group or place to go? Thing to do for outlet?
addictions suck, but rotating them never helped me any ...

I came out from work to find three kittens in a shoebox tied securely to my car. Feral, fleas free. People try to help us.

I'm sorry you're going thru this. Exercise, helping others stay sober, staying healthy ...
Take care.

Originally Posted by beauflow

i want to give up and give in.
I am getting tired of things again.

I am lost with out a way to go,
I have nothing to help me grow.

I thought i was strong, but i am weak.
I hate that aspect of me, weak, weak, weak.


Ok i am not a poet... and that made me chuckle a bit.

I am a little low right now.

I see no change happening.. and I had hoped for a change at some point.
I am lost at what to do for a change some times for me..... what do art? do walks? I know these little things do well for some small time... but at the same time, i need a bigger change some times i think.


I stood up, got knocked down.
Am not heard by anyone around.

I have been debating with self inside about smoking weed again, but I have not... I keep reminding myself it will not do any good. where will it get me? an escape from reality.

reality will just be waiting for me when I get "back".

Not only that, but the last time i smoked- I was rather paranoid with everything then i just thought -- sure some good thoughts came but at the same time... where will it get me.

I feel like a failure in life, just in general.

I know, stay strong...

keep that chin up, right?

thanks.

[beauflow]

((((Roadie)))))
Kitten surprise for you I bet they lighted up your day

I will try best to remember the little things in life can make such a great impact, bigger than a lot of things. I know that to be true if I just take some time to go through the good old memory bank of mine...

People are hard for me to get, or is it I have trouble getting a long with others? At either rate, I do try best with it......

Talk to my s/o a lot with things.... even this topic here...

On Monday,. My s/o and I went up the little mountain (I think it is more a foot hill than a mountain but it is what it is called)... but we made it further up than the first time.. My S/O mentioned we took less breaks to get up, and we made it further.........
It is part of exercising but it is also part of going further than in the past....

Surprising --- Work with how it is managed is one main thing that triggers negative thinking patterns for me at times, with how people "work" at work or lack of work at work eats at me as well........
But yet, At work- there are so many individuals that I speak with, that have in the past helped me out. Even on the topic of addictions.

Something with the Cosmos maybe??? mention supporting others.... and on Wednesday morning my relief came in for work...

She is new(er), well she is on her 3rd week (almost ending her 3rd week actually) and still hasn't been trained She is an older lady but she is having some trouble, like me with adapting to the environment of work (I have been at the same job for 6 years now though).

I really feel for her on this with not being trained, and I at times "feel" her anxiety as well. It is part of the chaos with management as well around here, which just can throw myself in a loop..... I still try very hard to use what I can as tools, which is usually the practicing of "Stepping back", remembering what my duty is and what I control and not control.

The something Strange in the Cosmos is:
We got to talking about various things, -- I.e. being able to adapt in the enviroment....
she mentioned how she mentally is not doing well with putting herself down a lot... especially after Tuesday and her "nose got slapped a lot" by supervisor for things. I so know what she is talking about.

But she mentioned that On Friday's since she has been working with our team, she leaves and made a jester of a huge "cup" and she glugs it down....... She mentioend if she could drink every day, she would be.

Strange with how I have been feeling lately and wanting to escape this came up... but I was explaining to her on a very small level, of when I first started at work, that my "coping skill" for it was drinking or doing other stuff every day (hard drugs)... And that It really did not help anything, and was not healthy mentally or physically..... and it just made things worse...... i had mentioned to her about self confidence , and I hoped this year, I had enough to leave the job that we are at.... Connections there that I see but I am not sure many others do....

Most days, when ever I speak to myself or on PC here, of those days, i use the term "negative coping skills"..... Here lately I haven't been until Wednesday morning when talking with new lady at work.....

No here lately I have had more thoughts of how using it as an escape methods along with I used to go out and do things with friends when i was a stoner, and even at times when doing other party drugs.... how I used to go have "fun" and these days I don't do anything but stay at home, and work.... I even would go to a few raves too!
Back then I used to go to movie theaters which today---- I don't desire to go out to the movies due to I get to anxious with the crowd.... imagine me now at a rave and it would be like- I gotta go, too many people.

But wednesday morning, when talking with the new lady----- It was like a big reminder....
Negative Coping Skill....... I don't want to slide back.. I still have smoking and emotional eating that I do which are negative coping skills, i don't need to add another that I have already dropped at one point.

I hope this weekend, I will be able to go back to the little mountain again... Not feel so guilty about past things-- i.e. if I would had started earlier with working out, I would be able to do this easier......

I remember reading an article once about Guilt and Shame of Recovery Addicts...... Usually those guilt and shame are real pushers for relapse.... As I have been reminded here on PC by many good friends---- Look Forward instead of backwards....
I myself, though have trouble with forward, and seeing obstacles and not sure how to over come them-- However, as I know from the past of my own---- IF at one point I do over come those obstacles, I do while not slipping back..... I know, i will feel better with in myself, that I will look back and say--- Hey see, i did it.... have that accomplishment and some empowerment felt with in.



Asphyxia 's to you..... I am not sure if anything in my ramble helps you or others, but I do hope you well....

I am not sure about you, but with counter thinking, especially on alcohol for me.... If I go get ********* even just once--- That could really effect me negatively for days to come....
Or worse yet with all the stress that has been going on, for me, while drinking i can be a roller coaster.... which never "helps"

While at times I do remember the "good" which are not really "good" but I perceive them that way at times, but also see the "negative side of things".... *I do need to spit it out I feel, maybe for myself, but what I perceive as "good" from using, is just an illusion.*

That is one thing when I speak to my s/o about when I want to go do coke, or just go back to the life style... he will ask me to think about how it really was... I get reminded how much chaos actually went with me with that life style.....

I don't know about you but for me--- Life can be chaotic as is, I don't need to add to it 's

Be well

[gma45]

I am here today. I have been doing ok, but I am finding myself not wanting to go to meetings which I know can't be good. I don't want to drink or drug, but I do feel a bit depressed. Just stuck in that rut again! I guess I just need to start digging out again before it's to late. Some days when I don't do anything I feel guilty. I need to give my self permission to just do nothing, I think. Oh well at least I am checking in here.

[notz]

Some days I just want to throw my head back and laugh!!!!!!!

[roads]

notz' deep, warm laugh reminds me she's my friend,
Hi, notz!

[avlady]

I am about 15 years clean of alcohol, never even want it, and I only tried pot once. I did try cocaine for a week,that messed me up too much. When i read stories like all of your's i sit back and wonder Why would anyone want to reput themselves through all of that again? I know I sound stupid for thinking that because you are addicted to it, but isn't the addiction the thing you're trying to get away from?Just think of that bad feeling you'll get after it wears off and tell yourself no more. A terrible migraine headache won't help you stop? I guess some addicted people don't get such bad reactions, I'm just happy i finally nipped it in the bud. I hope for all of you good wishes and wish i could help you all more somehow!

[thickntired]

Howdy Everyone,

I have strep, boo! So, I'm missing AA meetings, but I'm doing my reading and making calls. If all goes as planned this Friday 19th I will have 90 days clean and sober off alcohol & drugs.

I was a habitual pot smoker, meaning I started at 9 am and stopped when I went to sleep. I blacked out at all social events, because I drank to take the edge off of social anxiety. Today, I do not take one fourth the valium I used to because I'm not anxious. My medication works so much better. I don't wake up with a laundry list of people I need to apoloqize to for my behaviour. I still have some insane thoughts, BUT I do not have the insane actions that used to follow up the thoughts.

If I can do it, so can you. I was a heavy user for almost 30 years.

Peace & Hugs,

TnT

[roads]

Strep aside, I'm so happy for you!! words fail ...

[Reality_Perfection]

Hi, my name is Jenna and I'm an addict. I was addicted to Adderall about 7-8 months ago. I was clean from it, but I was still prescribed it. I had someone monitoring my meds so it wasn't a problem to stay away from it. Now, I'm prescribed Vyvanse once per day, and Ritalin twice per day. A few days ago, I started abusing the Ritalin. I started by taking 3 a day and then I ramped up to taking 4 a day. I wish that I hadn't taken that first step because now it will be harder to quit. The meds were in my control, so I guess that's why I started abusing them. I also had finals to study for, so that's also why I kept taking more. I used the excuse that I needed more because I needed to study. Well, I put off the studying more than I should have and then I had to cram in the studying. I think I did well on my exams, but I had to cram so much. Now, I have stopped taking 4 a day. My fiance has my meds again, but I'm still taking 3 a day. I need to go back down to 2 a day. I just don't know what to do. Whenever I get the craving I just sit with it and it almost hurts. It consumes my mind and won't go away no matter what I do. I feel a sense of impending doom when this happens and it is so uncomfortable. I just don't know what to do anymore. I need help with this. I've been attending meetings when I can, but I still want to abuse the meds. I feel lost and I am without hope. I feel like I'll always be this way and I hate that. I just want everything to be back to the way that it was before. I wish that I hadn't picked up another Ritalin. I know that it will be so much harder to deal with now. I was doing so good before too! Now, I have to start completely over and it's painful. I hate having to start over on something like that. Any ideas to help me overcome this sense of impending doom? I feel like it will never stop and I'm scared of that. I don't want to feel like this all the time. Will it get better with time? I get very bored during the day and I know that that's what makes me want to abuse the Ritalin. I need something to do, but for most of the day on week days, I'm stuck in the apartment with no one home and I don't really have anywhere that I want to go. I'm getting a job soon and maybe that will help. I only hope so. This is my cry for help and any ideas are much appreciated. Thanks for letting me ramble. Hopefully not all of you are suffering like this. For those of you who aren't, I'm glad that you aren't and I understand how hard it must have been. I only look forward to the day that I don't want to abuse this stuff anymore.

[roads]

Jenna, I'm an alcoholic. I haven't had a drink in 20 yrs, but I do sometimes have strong urges to drink--because I'm still an alcoholic. The thing about addiction (I believe) is that it's a lifetime thing. Not everyone agrees; they think they can be cured, and go on to use moderately. I think if I have even one drink, chances are I'll be back drinking drunk in no time.
As an alcoholic, I'm also easily addicted to pain killers, which are in the same general category of drugs. I have to find other ways to cope with pain, such as acupuncture.
Rather than go through the agony of trying to "control" your addiction to Ritalin (or make your fiancé responsible) could you talk to your mdoc? I don't know that there are alternative treatments, but it's worth checking.
I hope you can face the reality of being an addict, or it's going to be very hard for you. Letting your doctor know what you're going through would be a good step. It's not going away, and coping with it now will make your life lots easier. Get other viewpoints, but get solid medical advice.
Take good care of you.

[gma45]

Whew! I wondered where this thread went the other day when I came back. Glad it is back on top! I am hanging in there sober and clean Yah Me! Just been feeling a little on edge, but I will work through it. I now know... this too shall pass! Still kinda feel stuck in a rut, but trying to stay positive. One of the guys that was going to the meetings that I go to killed his girlfriend. I saw it on the news. Think I need to find a new meeting to go to where people have a bit more clean time and are really working the program.

[roads]

Glad to hear from you, gma!! Sometimes hanging in feels rut-ish ... but staying sober is work, even after years and decades of sobriety. So give yourself plenty of acknowledgment for that .
Give yourself credit for bringing something to groups you're part of too. Those of us with some sobriety are doing some valuable work when we go to meetings where newbies are. They need to see that the program works--WE are the proof! Not at the risk of our sobriety, of course ... but when you feel up to it.
Roadie

[Tamster]

hi my name is Sami-- I have been working to stay clean and sober for 13 months. I was a benzos, both valium and xanax, vicoden, oxycontin and fentenyl addict til April 3, 2012 then I stopped them all at once, I know now that was dangerous, heck I knew it then to but I wanted it on my own terms. My congrats to everyone here and I know how hard almost everyday is. Today is one of my hard days I would love to get ahold of some valium but i neither have the means or money at this time and know that will be my downfall too. thanks for listening.

[roads]

So, so sorry, Sami--I know what a knockout blow "one of those days" can be like when they hit, out of the blue. I guess it's easier when you've gotten some knowledge about addition under your belt, as well as the gut-level experience to know that there's no going back without horrendous consequences.
Keep posting, in this thread but in your own thread here if it will help. There are plenty of us in this forum who know what you're going through--we've been there, probably time & time again.
Roadie

[gma45]

Went to meeting today, felt good. Staying clean, life is good today but lonely and boring.

[roads]

I don't want a drink, but for TWO DAYS I've been craving a damn cigarette and can't figure out what's brought that one!! Fiddlesticks.

Want it baaaaddd, too ...

[notz]

powerlessness.

any similarities between a cigarette and real life?

[roads]

I'm not aware of feeling powerless at the moment ... in particular, any more than at any other time.
A cigarette and real life? hmm... gosh, let me smoke one, & I'll think about it

[notz]

LOL!!!!!!!!!!!

[roads]

* deep sigh * it's so twisted and perverse that I'd want a cigarette so ...
never ever has that happened before

[notz]

I don't want you to have one.

[roads]

I don't want me to have one