[angelicgoldfish05]

Halfway (nearly) through a bottle of vodka in one night... Have class tomorrow in 7 hours...cant sleep... maybe that is why the alcohol... to bring me down so i dont go manic... to drink till i pass out so i at least get some sleep.
idk... i dont want to give it up... i like the way alcohol makes me feel. i want it... it is a great substitute for a lot of things (like how I want to be close to someone but cant and am all alone... so... alcohol... why not have a relationship with alcohol?) i love it and it loves me. ive tried aa and never made it past step 3... actually never really done a solid step 3 cause i cant really allow myself to trust anyone or anything else so well, especially not god that well... turn life and will over to loving god as i understand him... ha! i do not have a concept of god that is completely loving... more of a god that wants to do harm and wants for me to harm myself.... so yes, aa is hard... and i gave it up and am now blissfully numb and headed towards the oblivion.... it feels so good. why would i ever want to give this up??? i'm a functional alcoholic... it has never interfered with my ability to do work or school.... so someone please tell me why... why should i give this up?? especially when it feels so good...

plus, another thing about aa... i am an introvert... i dont like to speak or socialize that much... but there is all this pressure, and an unspoken culture that that is what you have to do.... not to mention how my first go around with aa went steps 1, 2, 3, then 13... really messed with me that step 13... and then i just lost focus with the whole thing... i think that drinking, it is just the thing i need... just the right medicine for me. my neurons like it A LOT. I like it A LOT... so why would i, should i stop??? plus it helps with my social anxiety.... brings me out of my shell so i am actually able to relax and be more outgoing and at ease, to be more comfortable with me... and hey, i even let loose a little and have some fun....
hmmm. maybe i should get in touch with two-night stand guy again... i mean, now that i'm drinking again... would be a totally different experience with him since he drinks too... plus he really, really likes me... but he smokes pot... so im afraid i would just follow his lead, let him overpower me and consume me, and that then i would end up smoking pot too...\\
what should i do? anyone? sorry so long... had a lot to get out though i guess

[Perna]

There are other ways to learn to live without alcohol besides AA. It sounds as if you are self-medicating and that is never good and can't work. Alcohol abuse is never your friend, too much will always harm. I would not necessarily say you were an alkie as that would give too much attention to the alcohol when it sounds mostly like a very bad coping mechanism and another way to self-harm. Behavior you want, like closeness to others, etc. takes practice; the behavior you are practicing instead will never get you there? Decide what you really want and work toward it instead of trying to play keep away from your fears and pain.

[divine1966]

I lived with alcoholic. It never gets better. It never makes anything better. I watched a person going downhill. Don't choose that path

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Sabrina]

I have watched my mother nearly die a few times because of her addiction to alcohol. And that didn't stop me getting addicted myself. After about 15 years I decided it was my time and I gave up drinking a little more than a month ago. It has been the best thing I have ever done with my life.

That false sense of security that being drunk gives you.......... it's false.

I wish you strength. Half a bottle of vodka in one night is harsh. I know, I've done it too.

AA is most definitely not for me. I gave up on my own, without help, just the support of my husband and son (and you good folk here). But this is not as easy for everyone. Please seek help, it doesn't have to be AA.

Oh, and just an afterthought, the term "alkie" is horrible! Don't call yourself that.

[angelicgoldfish05]

Originally Posted by Sabrina

I have watched my mother nearly die a few times because of her addiction to alcohol. And that didn't stop me getting addicted myself. After about 15 years I decided it was my time and I gave up drinking a little more than a month ago. It has been the best thing I have ever done with my life.

That false sense of security that being drunk gives you.......... it's false.

I wish you strength. Half a bottle of vodka in one night is harsh. I know, I've done it too.

AA is most definitely not for me. I gave up on my own, without help, just the support of my husband and son (and you good folk here). But this is not as easy for everyone. Please seek help, it doesn't have to be AA.

Oh, and just an afterthought, the term "alkie" is horrible! Don't call yourself that.

Sabrina, that is awesome you have given it up and are on the sober mend!! I have been there. I have tried it. Every thing was going well the first time around (1 1/2 years sober) until I lost my job and then my ex-t... I could not take it anymore. And then I got sober again.. Lasted oh, 3 1/2 months maybe, then my ex-t's supervisor tells me about this cease and desist **** with not ever having contact again with him (ex-t) and I lost this wonderful relationship that meant so much to me... Then on top of that, my human bio teacher talked about everytime in class how one a drink a night is actually good for you... So I thought, hey, I could do that! And then it was school break and I went on a TOTAL binge! Then I told myself I would absolutely stop when school started. Well. School started monday and I missed 2 of my classes tuesday due to my drinking a half bottle of vodka the night prior... I have those same 2 classes tomorrow, and I HAVE TO make it there. Even though I am quickly working my way through that 2nd half of vodka. I don't know... Just feel so good. Not eating. Drinking. Everything seems within reach... Anything seems possible... Guess it is like I am flying in a way. Why would i ever want to give this up?
If I make it to classes tomorrow, I'm solid. I can keep this up. Be functional. Get through the pain of ex-t really, solidly rejecting me outright. Thing is, that's just the reaction I needed from him. Reject me. Do not want me. Kick me to the ****ing curb. I needed to push him till it got to that point. He reassured me that it would not get there. But it did. And he lied. And despite his 15 years+ experience with working with mental health patients and people etc, he could not enforce even the simplest of boundaries. And I almost lost my life, and now the whole relationship is screwed and I am beyond devastated but it is what I deserved, and deep down, what I truly wanted and needed cause I'm a ****ing masochist and need that ****ing pain and rejection. So thanks to ex-t... He gave me just the pain I ****ing needed!!!

[Sabrina]

I'm so sorry - you're obviously dealing with a lot of pain and pent up emotion. I don't know what to say. But I'm here, and I'll listen. And I understand.

[waggiedog]

Hello everyone, especially Angelicgoldfish. I do so identify with a great deal of what you've said, more to the point, I understand. My 'affair' with alcohol and anything else I've used as 'self medication' over the past 30 plus years, is much as yours. My main diagnosed disorders/illnesses are BPD, atypical anorexia, bulimia and binge/starve/compulsive eating and depression are absolutely spot on. I know that the BPD came first with all of it's awful symptoms, everything else followed in my efforts to ''cure'' myself of the other ****. I always maintained that if there's something/anything that will help get me through the days full of depression etc, has got to be worth a go, in some cases this was/is alcohol. However, I do know that some of my past behaviour under the influence has been degusting and I never wish to repeat that. So now I'm back to putting a lot of effort into cutting right down on the drink, I've done it before and I'll do it again. I hope that whatever you choose to do brings comfort and into the bargain stops others worrying over you, would be great. Thanks for reading. HUGS and LOVE, as ever. XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

[angelicgoldfish05]

Originally Posted by Perna

There are other ways to learn to live without alcohol besides AA. It sounds as if you are self-medicating and that is never good and can't work. Alcohol abuse is never your friend, too much will always harm. I would not necessarily say you were an alkie as that would give too much attention to the alcohol when it sounds mostly like a very bad coping mechanism and another way to self-harm. Behavior you want, like closeness to others, etc. takes practice; the behavior you are practicing instead will never get you there? Decide what you really want and work toward it instead of trying to play keep away from your fears and pain.

You are spot on that it is another way to self harm. There is a normal way to drink alcohol. Such as one glass of wine a night for to help your heart (or so they say). Or for celebrating, like a toast of champagne for a wedding... But then there is also the underlying stuff under drinking when it is used as a coping mechanism (a bad one cause it is harmful) to deal with depression, emptiness, anxiety, shame and fear.

Anyways... I'm ready to put the self harm behind me finally. I just realized today that I was putting so much energy into trying to harm myself. It is not worth it. I want to take all that energy and direct it elsewhere. To something or someone else in a positive way. Like for helping out others. And volunteering. Besides, the negative energy and trying to harm myself is draining. Positive energy breeds more positive energy and helps out all around (self and others). So that is the plan Stan and I'm sticking to it! I can do it one day at a time. I'm ready to stop hurting and to stop harming myself and to stop suffering. This in turn will also stop hurting others. I want to get better.

They say fake it till you make it, so today on my questionnaire for therapy (they have a computer program where you go through and answer a series of questions and then it analyzes it and the therapist prints it off for the session and can see a little how you are doing)... Today I totally out and out lied on the thing to make it sound better than I was actually feeling. I wanted to do this because I though it was going to be my last session and I wanted the therapist to feel closure in that I had gotten better, etc. (It's not going to be the last session we are just going to do check in sessions less frequent). Anyways, the point is, the amazing part, is that by lying about it saying I felt better - well I actually began to really feel better. So I feel bad about lying but it is in the context of fake it till you make it and it actually helped.

Thanks you guys for all your replies! I really appreciate you all and your support!!

[angelicgoldfish05]

Originally Posted by Sabrina

I'm so sorry - you're obviously dealing with a lot of pain and pent up emotion. I don't know what to say. But I'm here, and I'll listen. And I understand.

Yes, I was in a lot of pain. I got through it though with the only damage being some posts here on psych central that I am not proud of and very ashamed about... And also a facebook message with an old person who I had a crush on and who liked me at one point but we never got together. He lives out of state thank God, so I won't have to see him. It was pretty embarrassing stuff.. He was pretty understanding about it (possibly he has even been there to that point)... And he said he would not tell anyone about it either. So at least there is a sense of things being ok. Anyways. Thanks for your reply Sabrina, and for listening.

[angelicgoldfish05]

Originally Posted by divine1966

I lived with alcoholic. It never gets better. It never makes anything better. I watched a person going downhill. Don't choose that path

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Trying not to choose that path! Don't want to it leads to death for me. I know this. Today is a new day. Thanks for your reply divine I really appreciate your support.

[angelicgoldfish05]

Originally Posted by waggiedog

Hello everyone, especially Angelicgoldfish. I do so identify with a great deal of what you've said, more to the point, I understand. My 'affair' with alcohol and anything else I've used as 'self medication' over the past 30 plus years, is much as yours. My main diagnosed disorders/illnesses are BPD, atypical anorexia, bulimia and binge/starve/compulsive eating and depression are absolutely spot on. I know that the BPD came first with all of it's awful symptoms, everything else followed in my efforts to ''cure'' myself of the other ****. I always maintained that if there's something/anything that will help get me through the days full of depression etc, has got to be worth a go, in some cases this was/is alcohol. However, I do know that some of my past behaviour under the influence has been degusting and I never wish to repeat that. So now I'm back to putting a lot of effort into cutting right down on the drink, I've done it before and I'll do it again. I hope that whatever you choose to do brings comfort and into the bargain stops others worrying over you, would be great. Thanks for reading. HUGS and LOVE, as ever. XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

I agree and relate to so much of what you are saying. The BPD (which I was basically diagnosed as a teen, but not officially, which is why I don't have it as part of my signature)... And it is the self-harming behavior criterion. Alternating between self-harm behaviors is all to achieve the same purpose, to alleviate the pain. Thanks for your reply, and your concern with how my behavior was affecting others. It is the selfish thing, but I really did not think much about how it does hurt others and causes them to worry. I don't want to hurt anyone or have anyone have cause to worry about me. Cutting down the drink is certainly the way to go here. Thank you for your reply and support waggiedog! I hope you are doing good today. Wishing you well

[Slowbrains]

Hi, i wish you find strength to quit! I've been there, except about double doses, but i assume you are girl, right? 2 years ago i drank like a rockstar thinking it's ok and under my control. While 4 week summer holiday i could drink around 20 cans of beer every day during some construction working i did to keep myself busy. Best feeling was to wake up in an easy hangover, pass breakfast, go out, take timbers stuff and beer and continue where i left yesterday. I loved the feeling alcohol filling my body in the morning...

I had drinking problems earlier, but not in this scale. Finally i was falling over the egde but my wife saved me. She was patient enough to drag me to see therapist, who after some meetings forwarded me to psychiatrist. Finally i was diagnosed as BPII. It really knocked me, i realized it had been my condition for about 2 decades! Alcohol was my method to self medicate. It keeps you going up or down all the time, so you don't have to face your own emotional rollercoaster.

I got medication and last year is quite fuzzy. anyway alcohol consumption was reduced 90%. I gained weight, was always tired and hated my life. Now i have been on new medication for 5 months and first time EVER I DON'T NEED ALCOHOL

Now THE PROBLEM kicks in.

I'm an alcoholic. My mind does't need it anymore but my body miss those dizzy mornings with fresh alco flooding in to your veins

That's why i collapse sometimes. I Don't get drunk. I get immediate hangover then i desperately seek cure for it. My brains crave that moment when hangover turns around. Couple of harmless beers turn into days of hangover curing. And i swear i'm not enjoying a single moment of that time.

QUIT NOW. I MEAN NOW. It's only advice i can give to you.

[LifeGetsBetter]

I'm a recovering alcoholic, sober for 13 years. By the time you begin wondering if you have a problem with alcohol and think about "controlling" your drinking......alcohol is already controlling you. Alcohol is powerful and will eventually bring you as low as you can go. It is a disease that tells you that you don't have a disease. Nobody WANTS to go to AA. I often hear people say "AA is not for me" I tried everything for years to try to stop drinking. I would always relapse. Finally I dragged myself into AA as a last resort and it worked.

Here is the easy part. You only have to stop drinking for today. one day at a time.