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#1
Jun 28, 2017, 08:30 PM
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i've tried reading about how to cope...
they say distractions... meditation... rest... ect... but its not working yall... i just find myself locked in these obsessive thought patterns... its too strong, i dont know what to do besides get high to make it stop but i dont have the funds... i cant just up and go get an 8ball or bag of weed to make it go away... so its killing me... really really bad... i cant take it... getting high will make it go away for a while... a day... or so... then it gradually comes back with vengeances... i've been having physical symptoms... as well as the usual mental symptoms... and its driving me crazy... i dont know whats happened to me... i started messing around with methadone and after that it like all my addictions and symptoms magnified... dont use methadone... that **** is ****ed up and will mess your tolerance up and mess up everything... i will never take another drop of methadone... i dunno if thats what caused my symptoms to get like this or not... or if its just because my mental illness symptoms have been getting worse too... or combination of factors... im trying to fight it... but then i feel like im not trying to fight it at all, im losing the battle so bad... my skin crawls... tunnel vision on it... all i can see... is just lemme get high... please, i need to get high; i just want to make these things go away so i can go back to feeling normal... i dunno what the **** to say... its an all day thing every day because im not able to work right now due to my mental illness... i just try to get through the day... but its so damn hard i dont know how much longer i can go on like this... im afraid im going to get suicidal again if it continues.... im not a stupid guy... if i could just get things together and my symptoms under control i could get a good job... but i cant ****ing do **** like this and its really so ****ed up i cant ****ing take it anymore! i dont want to live like this! now just lemme get high please damnit... 
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 Moogieotter, RainyDay107
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#2
Jun 28, 2017, 08:54 PM
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Quote:
reason i ask is because your post talks about skin crawling and other withdrawal symptoms. if you mean methodone you would not be having these symptoms because methodone is specifically for stopping those withdrawal symptoms... if you mean meth as is methamphetamine talk with your doctors, they can prescribe meds like methadone that will stop your withdraw problems like skin crawling. they can also set you up for hospital detox again where they can get you off meth with less side effects |
 RubyRae
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#3
Jun 28, 2017, 09:19 PM
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What type of drug has a tight grrip on you?
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#4
Jun 28, 2017, 09:26 PM
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i want some crack....
at the moment...
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#5
Jun 28, 2017, 09:27 PM
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but it changes up... ya know...
in some months i'll probably be bored with it and want something else....
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#6
Jun 28, 2017, 09:33 PM
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I'm sorry to say but isn't the first couple of hits are the best and are a short lived 5 second high?
Than afterwards, the more you hit it it's nothing but nasty paranoia? What kind of high is that where one is full of anxiety and paranoia? Who can honestly say they enjoy that? I know I surely didn't and it's why I was never a fan to it. |
| elevatedsoul, RubyRae
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| RubyRae
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#7
Jun 28, 2017, 11:04 PM
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it calms me down for a while, takes cravings away ...
i dont get paranoid or anxious from it... i know what you mean though it changes some peoples personalities and they get paranoid... it sort of relaxes me though, i guess because it takes the anxiety of wanting to get high away... but i dont really get paranoid from any drug... when i take a hit i just feel a calming sensation go through me, like a big sigh of relief things do pop out more though and my ptsd can act up if people start acting weird around me thats why i dont like smoking around weird people though...
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#8
Jun 28, 2017, 11:05 PM
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it makes me happy for some reason
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#9
Jul 01, 2017, 11:30 AM
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elevated soul... are you having psychosis problems or researching again... reason I ask is because your posts are becoming confusing again...
first you say you dont do drugs and alcohol then I find posts saying you are high and buzzed while posting. then I find posts that say methadone is causing you to have withdraw symptoms when thats a medication used to stop withdraw problems not cause them. then you say you do meth then in the thread discussing methodone you said you just want crack which is not meth or methadone its cocaine... my point is in your posts with in a matter or a week you seem to have progressed from not doing any drugs and alcohol, to doing weed to to saying a medication that is used to stop withdraw problems is causing you withdraw problem to doing major hard time street drugs... my point is in a matter of a week you must have hit the lottery because these street drugs cost major money, to progress that fast, and I mean like thousands of dollars, you cant just walk into a doctor and get prescribed these things. you have to pay drug dealers for them and for someone who lives with their parents and has no money and is trying to get SSI, how are you getting these street drugs you are talking about. see my confusion. so now I am wondering if you are researching again, you know like what happened on other boards where you start obsessively researching then all that researching causes you and your treatment providers problems. I sincerely hope this is whats happening to you because the human body can not handle the fast progression of no drugs and alcohol to major hard time street drugs in a matter of a week. if you look up those drugs you are doing you will see exactly what happened to the internal organs with these drugs. I dont want to trigger anyone so I wont post them here. but short version you just dont survive something like this. if you are indeed progressing from no drugs and alcohol to major street drugs at the fast pace you are posting about, you dont need my help you need the help of those off the computer like your own treatment providers so Im going to take a break from your posts and threads now. |
| RubyRae
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| RubyRae
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#10
Jul 04, 2017, 12:37 PM
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im just a mess and dont like talking about my substance use...
but my time perception is skewed and i forget how much time passes so it feels like much time sometimes but i guess maybe not much time passes... or maybe a lot of time passes... but nothing changes... i dont like thinking about the substances i guess because its sensitive subject for me... dont like talking about it much because i guess parts of me in denial about stuff... i dont really know... im not researching.. im just stressed... but there is nothing anyone can do i just gotta learn to live with it ill be fine...
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#11
Jul 07, 2017, 12:36 PM
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thought I would come back to this thread and give you some information....at the rate that you have posted your progression from no drugs and alcohol to street drugs you would need to be buying your street drugs by the kilo not one dose at a time (one dose at a time at your posted rate of usage, means you would not have time to be here on psych central posting because every moment of your day would be scoring another snort, scoring another injection, (there is so much more than talking with drug dealers to buying street drugs. its not like you see in the movies and tv shows these days, they even have their own language/ lingo/ style of behaviors and so on that comes from drug usage at the rate you have posted...) anyway if you are buying street drugs rather than in a psychosis or researching mode this is what you would be paying drug dealers for your drugs....
Cocaine Prices in the U.S.A. anyone who has this kind of money doesnt need SSI which may be a reason why you are having problems getting SSI. if you put the money you are paying for your street drugs to say a house you would have your own home tomorrow rather than living with your parents... so its no wonder SSI says no. SSI is an income based program for those who do not have the kind of money you are giving to drug dealers. my suggestion go back to the hospital like your treatment providers want you to do, then put your money to buying your own home or renting an apartment of your own, buy your self the food and clothing that you want and need rather than spending thousands of dollars on drugs and alcohol. |
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#12
Jul 12, 2017, 08:52 PM
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im not spending money, atleast thousands of dollars, i've spent 20$ in the past 2 months of my own money that i've acquired
im not psychotic im just hanging out and im not using that much drugs... i dunno why some people insist on making me look like that...
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#13
Jul 13, 2017, 11:58 AM
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Quote:
my point is no one here on psych central is making you appear to be using a lot of drugs, it is you and your own posts that are making you look like that... my suggestion is if you dont want to look like a serious street drug user, using lots of drugs then you might want to "preview" your posts before you post that you are using lots of drugs and documenting in your posts that you are high, wanting crack, using weed, buzzed and other things to the same that is in your own posts posted by you. |
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#14
Jul 14, 2017, 07:40 AM
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elevatedsoul...hi
 In my opinion...It really doesn't matter if your posts are confusing. Because people with "mental illness" and "substance abuse issues"...like myself...can be very "all over the place". I only went back to a couple of posts of yours to get to know you a bit before i replied...and what I see...is you were diagnosed with Borderline? So Borderline is hard to treat....they say that...but...every mental illness in my opinion is HARD to treat. And what makes it harder for the Drs to help us...is us playing around with other substances...I see conversation in the post...talking about cocaine, weed...etc...and cravings for them...which is natural for addiction. But, what I don't see..and am wondering about...is what prescribed medications are you on? I recently started a prescribed medication that REALLY helps my thought process, cravings for any substance, helps my self-esteem, my sleep...many things.... Are you on any prescribed medication antidepressants? Anxiety med? Sleep med? I find that drugs prescribed by a mental health professional after you find one or two that work for you can be lifesavers and mind changers...stopping or at least alleviating the confusion.
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"I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell" (My girlfriend had this ringtone for my phone calls...lol) Bipolar 1 Anxiety Current Medications: Lorazepam Zoloft Abilify Gabapentin 
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| amandalouise
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#15
Jul 16, 2017, 11:36 AM
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i just dont want to be labeled like that because im not spending money...
i dont make money or have income so i get stuff from friends we do together people like me i guess so they hook me up... not all the time though obviously im currently taking gabapentin, effexor, topamax.... im hoping to get back on the abilify next week because i dont want to try any new antipsychotics... just want to get back on the abilify... i've just been told so many bad things about my drug use that i get defensive about it... because most of the time people dont understand and they just assume they know me and what im doing, i guess my mind is racing though and i can't stop the obsessive thoughts
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#16
Jul 16, 2017, 02:46 PM
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You are posting in the addiction forum where the focus is breaking free of the addiction. Of course you are going to hear that doing drugs is bad and you should quit. I don't know you, but I know me. Drug and alcohol use was interfering with my treatment. My current list was a lot shorter than yours, so I assume your drug use is probably interfering with your treatment. In my younger days, I had a list that long or longer and I handled it okay to a large degree. I would also have been pretty defensive in an anonymous forum, especially knowing a lot of the people chastising me were jonesing for the very same drugs. But I wasn't being treated for bipolar disorder at the time. You are asking your pdoc to hit a moving target; how can the doc know whether the results since the last visit are from what was prescribed or from what you self administered? Who bought it is irrelevant.
There is the whole issue of short term and long term health risks but you don't seem interested in hearing that right now, probably because you know that speech by heart, so I will spare you that one. That doesn't mean I condone what you do either, though you don't need my approval.
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| |Up and down |And in the end it's only round and round |Pink Floyd - Us and Them | |bipolar II, substance use disorder, ADD |lamictal, straterra | |
| amandalouise
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#17
Jul 16, 2017, 05:51 PM
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its just that i've tried to do it their way, you know?
i've taken so many of their drugs... tried being sober... and the medications didnt work... the symptoms nearly killed me or making me want to kill myself... its like, i know what works... a few things work, they make me feel better, i can function... and i dont know if its because i've been doing it for so long or not.. but it does... and i feel normal, im not really happy any day... i just feel empty as usual... or dissociated... but atleast when im high im not thinking about how ****ed up my life has been, how much pain im in, or how much i dont want to be here any more... i strongly disbelieve that i have bipolar and believe that i am borderline personality... but my NP doesn't really talk to me about borderline she still believes the firsts psychiatrists dx about bipolar just that its not bipolar I but that its bipolar II ... but i fail to see it because if it was bipolar i would believe that the medications would have helped regulate stuff a long time ago... and yes i know drugs and alcohol can interfere with it thats why i tried it their way and went sober for a while which did not change things and things just continued getting worse... only recently since giving up have things been seeming to get better... besides the extreme empty feeling consuming me... im really not here to argue or be defensive, im here because i do want to be happy and healthy, but i dont know how or what to do, i dont know how to see myself that way or where to go, i've been to rehab but i got worse when i got out of rehab... i just dont know and feel like i might be wasting my time and everyone elses time anymore... like maybe i should just give up completely, especially since i have been feeling better... like maybe this is just how i am supposed to live...? i started using alcohol and weed steadily when i was like 12 years old... so its like the only coping skills i know... i've tried to learn new skills but its like they just dont do anything, i guess because im just so used to the instant gratification or somet stupid bull... i dunno, maybe i am really just wasting everyones time
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#18
Jul 16, 2017, 08:37 PM
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If abilify was working, why did you stop it before? My psych NP recently added Latuda, a different antipsychotic, but the med that has made the biggest difference is the lamictal. Everybody is different though.
The way I see it is that when you are stuck down in a deep hole, street drugs may provide comfort but they aren't going to pull you out. It can take several months for them to iron out the best treatment. How longdid you try that sober and how aggressive was your caregiver about following up and making changes?
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| |Up and down |And in the end it's only round and round |Pink Floyd - Us and Them | |bipolar II, substance use disorder, ADD |lamictal, straterra | |
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#19
Jul 17, 2017, 08:23 AM
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when i went sober i went sober for a year 1 time
then it was splotchy a month here or there... but i wasn't doing hard drugs, just weed and alcohol when i got out of rehab she changed my medicine for some reason i dont know why... i think i was hitting another depressive episode... all of the medications i have tried just have not done much for me... i just want to get back on the abilify because i dont want to try any more new meds because i've tried so many and feel like the abilify was atleast doing a little something without giving me weird side effects... im hoping that getting back on the abilify will help get rid of the obsessive thoughts though because i go to sleep ruminating, thinking about drugs, trying to make myself stop thinking about it, and then i wake up in the morning and like the first thing on my mind is drugs i dont know what you mean about being agressive on making changes..? she's just now starting a new cycle i guess you can say... starting over... with the effexor... because i stopped taking the saphris without her consent because its a stupid drug have an appointment with her this week...
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#20
Jul 17, 2017, 10:45 AM
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By aggressive, I meant asking for feedback specific to the changes made as soon as you should be able to tell if they help (unfortunately that can be several weeks with many meds) and moving on the the next thing if they don't following a treatment plan and not just haphazardly throwing drugs at it.
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| |Up and down |And in the end it's only round and round |Pink Floyd - Us and Them | |bipolar II, substance use disorder, ADD |lamictal, straterra | |
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#21
Jul 17, 2017, 11:21 AM
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i think she wants to help but doesnt really know how, like maybe im really bad at describing my symptoms... i have a lot of trouble talking about whats going on with me ..
thats why i sometimes would become obsessed and read and read and study and try to figure stuff out on my own so that i could try to tell them what i thought was happening but they didnt like that i was doing that and it made me feel like i wasn't being heard when all i was trying to do was describe my situation the best way i knew how because i feel like i lack insight and just trying to figure things out... i see her like once every 3 months, just this last time she wanted to see me again in a couple weeks because i was doing really bad and had quit taking the med because i didnt like the way it was making me feel and it wasnt helping at all... so she put me on effexor and said come back in a couple weeks... im just scared of falling back into that pit of pain, i dont want to go through it any more, thats why im doing what im doing trying to maintain you know...? but i feel like i might be going crazy... i just really dont want to hurt any more
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