Time for me to "come clean"

btw,the only reason I mentioned cold filtering is since it does help save livers...I guess

they tip the glass over the sink into another glass for clarity

I have never done it personaly, but it works they say.....I guess if you do it anyway , you might as well be safe as possible

Though I understand your motive is to to stop completly and I wish the best of luck to you with this...but I have heard that opiate addiction is one of the hardests habits to kick...

just checking in to see how things are going...glad to hear the doc and family are helping you out...sometimes help is a good thing!

slips happen...be it trying to stop drinking, drugs, dieting or even starting an exercise program (not trying to minimize things tho) but you pick yourself up and start again...a little wiser. trust me been there more times than i'd like to admit out loud.

proud of you tho...doing good. saw a problem. identified it. fixed it. oops. got help. and are working on a new way of fixing it. nothing wrong with that.

ya need help...ya ask.
stumpy

well everyone, its been very up and down. I havent felt like posting because im still abusing every few days.. god help me but the withdrawls and terribly cramping stomach pain just gets me and i end up taking enough to kill the withdrawls, which at this point is still too much.

I AM making SOME progress.. it seems to be the withdrawls(physical) that end up in me relapsing.. I cant even begin to describe.. well i guess I can..its like having the worst case of gastroenteritis(yukky i know) that you have ever had, the cramping and, ill be frank, running to the washroom every five min that gets me. Add to that the anxiety, restlessness and restless legs at night, lack of motivation and energy and of course, the rebound pain.. its just so much to deal with. I've been avoiding this forum because for some reason i feel if im not managing i dont deserve to post.. and that I am embarassed to say I havent managed to quit yet.. or at LEAST get back to the level my doc says to take if i need it. See thats the thing, I can accept that I may always have to occasionally use codeine for the fibro - but with me it seems an inch is a mile if you know what I mean. Its a big problem right now because my tolerance is so high that the regular amount does nothing for pain.. i have to take enormous amounts. So i really need to get back to square one, and the only way I am going to do that is if i get off completely for a couple of weeks. I need to do this, but its so damned hard. I have always had a hard time with the physical side of things. Like with my anxiety, i have a hard time with the physical manifestations of panic attacks - the mental i can usually handle. Its the feeling like a heart attack in my chest that gets me out of control. So with the withdrawls thats whats holding me back now.

I also realized that some part of me has this indignant little voice who doesnt WANT to stop. Thats the voice that wants to be able to use codeine for energy and motivation and that little bit of euphoria. That voice says things like "Quit? Why? I dont want to. You Cant Make Me.nah Nah Nah boo boo." And it sounds like a childish eight year old who wont put away the toys..lol if that makes sense.

So here I am, just me, not totally better but trying at the very least. I have an appointment with a therapist in a couple of weeks and Im hoping he can help me.

((RB))
you are tough and I admire your honesty...

jmo, but you may need medical intervention to get off the stuff. it can ease most of the withdrawal symptoms. along with your determination to stay clean, it makes it easier to take it ten minutes at a time.

my own detox was nearly what you described...
it's one of the things in my "arsenal" of things that helps me stay clean and sober.

You are in my thoughts,
Cap

Makes all the sense in the world to an addict. That's me....

My disease had only one goal,,,to kill me and fool with me along the way.

He whispered such things to me all the time, still does, but today I treat him like the siren he is, with respectfull distaste. I know of his power and take my medicine. Nearly 20 years sober and I seldom miss a meeting.

I only wish you well Rainbow...you are me and I am you....in many ways.

With Care,

Lenny

(((Rainbowzz))))

I'm really sorry that you're having such a hard time. I've heard that coming off opiates is really tough. Maybe you should talk to your Dr. about medical help to ease the symptoms. I know I needed medical help & drugs when I detoxed.

I totally get the voice in the head, saying there's nothing wrong with using. I was a functioning alcoholic for years, I knew I had a problem, but figured I didn't need to do anything about it because I was functioning. That same voice still occasionally tells me, that there's nothing wrong with me drinking. That's why I go to lots of meetings and read recovery literature. If there are any in your area, I really encourage you to check out N/A. It's a lot easier to get and stay clean with support.

---splitimage

Guys. I am happy to report I have TWO DAYS completely sober!

Things are getting easier physically. The withdrawls are getting easier to deal with.

Ugly little nagging thought has reared its head, because its the weekend, and who doesn't party on the weekend? Right? WRONG. Not falliing for it this time! Sorry but this two days has been hell and I am NOT going to go through that again if i dont have to.

So TWO DAYS. That seems enormous to me because its been a LONG two days, probably small to others but its huge to me.

The other thing is that I need to get my tolerance down, and in order to do that I need a good couple of weeks without codeine in my system. IF i take it again to soon, my tolerance wont recover and I wont receive good pain control when I really DO need the meds.

Talked to doc and the way we are doing it is he will give me 20 pills for a two week period. Thats a pill a day if needed, and an extra pill on the days that its bad. I think this will work, because if i go whole hog on day one I have nothing left and could risk not being able to take care of jeremy on the days that I am in pain. And im not willing to ask my mother to take care of him so i can laze in bed.

Feeling pretty darned optimistic.

(((((((((Rainbowzz))))))))))))

big big hugs you so deserve it.....well done on two days,keep it up you can do this its so good to hear you talk and feel so optimistic...................we are with you every step of the way



two whole days and counting
yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah well done!!!!!!!!!!

Good job on the two days - glad the withdrawl is getting easier. I think it's a good plan that you've worked out with your Dr., to only get a limited number of pills at a time.

I know it's hard, but keep it up.

---splitimage

Every moment that an addict/alcoholic makes a decision that does not feed the compulsion...

Is a miracle.

Keep going Rainbow, don't quit before your free...



Lenny

Kudos!

I'm really happy for you to have this new start...it's truly a gift, isn't it? You sound so protective of it and I hope your desire to protect it continues through any rough times.
It's a good plan you've worked out with your physician.

Peace and Power,
Cap

Well I am still going folks! No codeine as of yet.. that makes five days i think!

((((((((((((((((RAINBOWZZ))))))))))))))))))))


Day 5.......wow give yourself a big pat on the back!!!!!

its so so tough and you are doing s well growing in strength day by day...............keep up the good work.........YOU can do this!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Love Mandyxx

RAINBOWZZ,

Hi, and glad for your great report. I have fibromyalgia and just a lot of chronic pain from a lifetime of abuse and recovery from abuse and just the general kick my *** effects of abuse.

So, the point to my saying this is that the Nortryptyline and Cymbalta have done a significant amount of help for me in actual depression lift and in helping to keep my pain in a manageable place instead of Dante's seventh ring of hell. I do not normally go around advertising for the darned old drug companies - but there is a reason, I have not found ANY anti-depressants that ever worked for me and I tried at least a dozen through the years and its been horrible for a long time. SO again, it is not a total cure for the pain - darnit - but it does take a huge edge off of it and lets me use some lesser measures to give me some release from pain.

i wear fentanyl pain patches and need to get my bone on bone knees replaced becaue this arthritis plus fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue and a few psych dx and dosages...my body wore out a long time ago due to the hideous pain in childhood it was so destructive to me.

so i hope to get one or more new knees this year if i get out of my chair and get my muscles built up. i want to be a normal - ok quasi-normal person.

if any of that helps you go for it. i want for you what i want for me, less pain where life is not like a preview of hell, especially since i love God and hope to enjoy life in heaven after i shuffle off this mortal coil (bad shakespeare quote). i wish you what i wish for me, health and to be "happy, joyous and free" and SANE!!!!!!!!! hugs,

leslie and the pixes

ps one of my favorite slogans "HALT" DO NOT GET TOO HUNGRY, TOO ANGRY, TOO LONELY OR TOO TIRED. if we learn to HALT in time we avoid many a relapse and other problems. ciao

thank you everyone.

multi, im really sorry to hear you suffer so much pain. We have alot in common, I have fibro and I also have severe back issues that limit my mobility and cause hell. I'm now taking nortryptyline, and you know, i think its helping... i tried so many before hand, but this one seems to be doing the trick as I have only had to take the meds one day out of seven(today). More on that further on..

SAS, thank you for all the wonderful pretty pictures! they are inspiring for sure.

Everyone, I had to take the tylenol 3 today. I had to walk downtown to get my check from the post office and get diapers, so I ended up taking two pills, which is my max for the day. I didnt, however, take an exceeding amount, nor did i feel the need to. I think this nortyptyline is helping!! This is only one day out of seven that I have had to take it, and thats a big improvement. I am not considering it a slip because ive aknowledged I will have to take it from time to time, but I am being watchful. Im totally ready to flush everything I have if it gets to the point where I am wanting to exceed. But i don't think I will, because I know i will be screwed if i either take it all or get rid of it for two weeks.

So, still doing good although had to take it today. It was nice to not have that doped up feeling to be honest, and the little bit I did feel off of it wasn't pleasurable really, just kind of mucky. So my outlook on it is changing as well.

I just wanted to add that I am going to keep this thread going, both as a reminder to me when I have hard times and a celebration of the good points. I hope noone minds me blabbering on about stuff in here, but it seems to be good for me!

Good posts today, Rainbowzz,

I think that it would be good to keep the thread going. I would like to participate. I have been given pain pills for the breakthrough pain because even fentanyl patches do not keep me decently able to function. And, I am in a lot of emotional pain because I'm finally NOT stuffing them all down or numbing with dissociation - and in reaction to this I have done some stupid things on occasion with the pills, like yesterday when I had a total meltdown. So far, I have been honest with myself and a few people who will be honest with me. I NEED ACCOUNTABILITY!

Hugs and I am also open to pm's if you can't get ahold of your regular folks and you need a listener. It would help me too. We have a good chance to do really well and you do too. hugs again,

Leslie and her Pixies

So, everyone, I made it up to today without ANY codeine. Today I had a slip. I figured(rationalized - you know how that goes) that it was Friday so a little fun wouldn't hurt.

Well you know what, I felt AWFUL physically. It wasn't "fun" it was anxious and I couldn't wait for it to be out of my system. There was no fun rush, no euphoria, just a whole lot of sketchy feelings.

I think, after this experience, I am off the stuff for good(excepting on bad pain days when I take as reccomended). Because honestly there was nothing fun about how I felt tonight. I spent a good portion of it wondering if I had done too much and wondering if i should go to the hospital( I hadn't taken enough to OD or anything, not even close.. I took less than the max dose for the day so I knew I was safe but that didnt stop the freaking out.)

Its now come down and is pretty much out of my system, and I am SO thankful. I think its alot like when they say when you do drugs repeatedly they lose the "magic" of the high. I could definetly see that tonight. So really there is no reason for me to abuse it anymore. Because honestly, people use drugs to ESCAPE anxiety and stress, not create it! maybe thats not the best way of thinking of it, but tonight scared the pants off me and thats a good thing I think.

Heres to continuing on safely!

It took courage to post about it and the effects it had on you.
Thank you for sharing with us.

One of the AA sayings is, "AA ruined my drinking." It sure did for me! Every time I went back out and drank, I got sick, too.
Boy did I get POd, too. The magic was gone and it was replaced with self hatred, and my body could no longer handle it.
I usually learn things the hard way and this was no different.

I'm truly glad you've come this far, Rainbowzz.

Cap

Congrats for getting this far, hon! I am so very proud of you!

Thats wonderful and me too Im tired of living a secret lying life on top of all my distress depressed anxiety life, that i know i can make better the way it use to be id say in the last 3 yrs i started to use cocaine substance just on tongue to snoting now everyday to everyother day and no one knows, im tired of lying i walked away for weeks months at a time then go back it only gives more more anxiety and I dont even know why i did it ... It seems like the F IT syndrome came on sometimes, i dont get it.

ccavic24

ccavic, hi...

Thank you for sharing with us. It really does take a lot of courage to take that first step...
It was hard for me to do it, also. I hated myself and my life because everything was so out of control.

Are there NA meetings where you live?
You'll get support here with us and with people you would meet there.
Please give it serious thought, ccavic. There is a sweeter way to live than being beaten down by the demon we call addiction.

Another thank you and this is from my heart.
Your honest post helps me stay sober and clean. It reminds me of what I left behind, and what I am grateful for today.
I am fiercely protective of being clean and sober. I came very close to being a statistic added to others who died from making bad choices.
I am so familiar with the FI Syndrome, and the dangers of not seeking a remission from it...

Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing.
If you are comfortable doing it, start your own thread so we can reply directly to you. Having your own thread makes it easier to keep up and to reread the replies.
Helps you and it helps us...

We Care
Cap

First off thank you for posting. I am proud of you. Second off, hugs! I don't know what it is like to be addicted, but I'm learning. I say that because coming off of Paxil feels like its something I'm addicted to. I have withdrawal symptoms, I get sick. And from reading coming off Paxil is like coming of Heroin! Lucky me.

So I just want to say that you are doing the right thing and I might not completely get it, but I do to a mili of what you are going through. I hope that made sense.

Don't beat yourself up - addiction is a disease, not a moral weakness! I have been addicted to pain medication in the past and I could not stop taking them on my own. It is even more challenging when you have legitimate pain issues and face the fear that you have to try something else. I get Migraines and have a lot of body pain, too. You are damaging your body and will also have to experience withdrawal, but try to remember it is only temporary. I would get a doctor's advice before you try going off the codeine by yourself. And then the challenge is to find a way to stay off of them in the future. I attend 12 step meetings - including Pills Anonymous - and the benefit of being able to talk to someone else who has struggled with pills and is recovering is priceless. Take it one day at a time and be gentle with yourself.
Lisa (scooterb)

SEVEN DAYS

I think thats the longest so far! still in withdrawl physically.. but much much better.