Worn Out

Guys, I'm not doing so hot. I've been dealing with this most recent wave of intense anxiety since January and while meds have helped some recently, it's just not enough. Each day is another round of dealing with urgent real life stuff while also mustering the energy to deal with my twisted insides.

Job, family, taxes, foreclosure, bankruptcy, dealing with it all is all I do. Life in perpetual crisis and there's nothing left of me to deal with my screwed up mental health. I'm just an empty shell with a name, a perpetual motion machine dreaming of sleep.

I'm worn out. I know tomorrow morning I'll wake up in a panic and throw up, just like I always do. Then it's kids to school and I'm off to the tax man and then work and as distraction causes my panic to subside it will be this feeling of sinking sorrowful sadness that replaces it.

I want desperately to give up but I can't. I have too many people depending on me and even though financially things are a disaster, it would be far worse if I failed to carry on, make money, pay bills, do the dishes, bathe the kids, help with homework...

What's happening to me? I recognize the pattern of anxiety to depression but I seem to be losing some essential piece of me this time around. Where's the me that daydreams of future film or writing projects? Where's the entertainer, the performer, the people pleaser?

I've become Yorick. "Where be your jibes now, your gambols, your songs, your flashes of merriment that were wont to set the table on a roar?" Madness.

I'm just so friggin' sad and it's too much. I'm trapped in place, clinging to the side of a slippery slope and my arms are so damned tired.

I guess I just needed to write about this; hoping for some magical cathartic relief. You know, just a post to acknowledge the pain of it all. Tomorrow will be the same as today and yesterday and I'll endure because that's what I do, like it or not.

Don't worry about me, I'll be.

Cyran0

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I just read your blogs - wow. It's amazing how much of ourselves we set aside for others. It's like putting on a mask everyday to deal when what we feel inside is so different.

I don't know what I can tell you to help you feel better, but I hope you do. I'm pretty tired myself, but can't sleep.

I am worried about you, and I hope you find the time to take care of you, if only for a moment...

(((((Cyran0)))) I'm so sorry.

Honestly, I find that dealing with high levels of chronic anxiety and panic is pretty much a full-time job even when things in my "outer" life are going relatively smoothly. I can barely imagine the ordeal of having this many external stressors hitting you from all sides when you're already in such a bad place emotionally. It just sucks.

I wish I had something wise to say. I'm so sorry you're going through all this. But I know that's not much help. What do your therapist and pdoc say? Do they have any helpful suggestions at all?

Please know that I'm here to listen whenever you need an ear. I'm hoping so much that there is a way for some of these immediate life crises to be averted. You so deserve a break ((((((((((((Cyran0)))))))))))

Sending you much love and many hugs

Constantly battling mental health on top of dealing with the requirements of daily life is exhausting. I hear you there. And it's so tough to know that there is no real end in sight, just another day of the same, hoping things will change. I am sorry you feel like this...all I can offer is the fact that I understand.

(((Cyran0))) I am so sorry you are feeling this way. I totally understand where you are coming from, with the anxiety plus all of life responsibilities. I wish there was something I could say or do to help, but I'm still learning about how to deal with my own anxiety/panic.

Let us know how you are doing.

:hug hang in there...this has to get better, right?

Thanks, all of you. I was in a really bad place last night but today I feel somewhat better. Sort of shell shocked but at least I'm not curling up in a little ball crying.

This morning I felt embarrassed that I'd posted that last night but with all the kind thoughts and support from you guys, I'm glad I did. It needed to get out and I really needed the encouragement.

I'll write more later but right now it's back to work.

Cyran0

((((((((((((((((((((((Cyran0)))))))))))))))))))))))))))) Really glad to hear that you're feeling a little better today

Cyran0, i don't have a lot to offer, i wish i had the magic words that could *POOF!* take it all away (which of course i would selfishly use on myself first ) but i'm not sure such a things exists.

Just out of curiousity, though, and i know these kinds of things aren't for everybody, but have you ever looked into 'abraham hicks' ? *esther and jerry hicks, the teachings of abraham* ? Louise Hay? Dr. Wayne Dyer? I particularly like abe-hicks. It's something my step mom introduced me to last summer, something they've been following for years, and at first i thought it was kind of 'hokey' and stupid, but my step mom, being one of the most rational people i know, i thought, 'okay, she's either lost herr mind completely, thinking this is WONDERFUL, OR there's actually something to it.' You can find some clips on you-tube, they have books/cds, etc. And just for fun, here's a song that makes me feel good listening to it when i'm down, i hope it does the same for you:



Again, And don't be embarrased.

Hi Cyran0,

You feel better today because you let something out. You wrote Cyran0.

This time you wrote something different though. But look at what you got back.

I see your list and you put Job first and then Family. And in that initial list you did not really say me.

You also say that you are a creative soul that has given of his soul all his life. You did have dreams of new films and more writing. But you feel so overwhelmed by taxes and forclosure and that whole process that you are filled with stress.

You ask, where is that creative soul that entertained and gave and wrote. He is still there Cyran0. You just let him out a little yesterday.

Maybe he needs to write about the pain that he feels in a creative fashion. Life is not all comedy and entertaining people by the positive creativeness within the soul.

Did you know how Gospel got to be? It was the only thing that black slaves got to do. It can be the most beautiful music to listen to. The slaves took all their pain and emotion and expressed it within the Gospels they sang.

What makes a good entertainer? One who can not only take the good but also use the pain from the depths of their souls to sing, write, express and even create or act.

You have not lost yourself Cyran0. You are going deeper within emotion.
Use all that you feel to be creative. This letter you wrote is only the beginning Cyran0. That is why you feel a little stronger today.

WRITE Cyran0. What has moved you to tears, how are you finding strength, WRITE, and go and dream of something different yet still creative.

You still have your family, and a job. If all the materialistic things are lost, they are just things, you still have the most important things. Family and even you. WRITE

Here is your new briefcase to keep your thoughts, WRITE

Open Eyes

Thank you for reading my blog but more importantly thank you for caring. I don't mean to worry anyone but your concern moves me greatly.

Well, pdoc of course says the meds will help more and more. My therapist is still trying to figure me out. We're focused on finding ways to calm me during intense anxiety which is a lot of mindfulness stuff like meditation, breathing, etc. And I'd say we both deserve a break.

Thank you for your understanding, it means a lot to me. I only returned to PC a couple weeks ago and that understanding has made a difference. There's a certain safety and comfort in it and while it may not prevent total freak outs or intense periods of despair, it certainly helps me get through them.

Your sympathy and understanding are enough, thank you.

Let's hope so. Thank you.

No, first I've heard of them. I'll look 'em up, thank you. And thanks for the support onmyway. Here's hoping we can both find that magic wand that poofs these problems away.

I responded to you in PM but I wanted to say again, thank you.

I know I didn't have to respond to each of you but I was in such a dark place last night and your support has made a huge difference for me today. It's an amazing thing, we don't really know each other, we're like strangers on a train and yet, all of this compassion and sympathy in spite of the immense pain I know each of you are enduring on your own. To use a word I generally shy away from, it's miraculous and it gives me hope.

Today has been a roller coaster of anxiety, depression, and eerie periods of calm. I wish it were better news but that's how it turned out today. But I'm still hanging in and so far I'm coping better than yesterday.

Thanks, all of you.

Cyran0

Hi Cyran0. I don't have any words of wisdom and I am only new on here but If u ever need someone to talk to u are always welcome. I do hope things get better for u. They say "Life gets better.... Day by day" I hope that happens for everyone on here.

Thank you. Yeah, one day at a time right?

And I may just take you up on that offer to talk so thanks for that too.

Cyran0

Hi Cyran0, i don't want to be pushy, so please do tell me if you're not interested or it's not your thing, but as far as abraham hicks goes, my step mom sent me some CDs, and basically they are like little exercises to do to move yourself up the vibrational scale. There's 22 (i think) of them in total, where the lower the number the game, the more appropriate it would be to use when you're really down, and #1-5 are more appropriate for when you're already feeling good and would like to keep it that way. If you are interested, i could PM you some of the ideas from these CDs.. er, once i find them, that is. Let me know, but please be honest if it is not 'for you' because like i said, not everyone is into this kind of thing.

onmyway, I don't know enough about it to say if I'd be into it. I mean right now I'm reading a book about meditation which years ago I never thought I'd do so I guess at this point, yeah, I'll try anything once.

Thanks for offering!

Cyran0

uhh.. excuse my stupidity, was that a yes or a no?

Cyran0,
I'm sorry to hear things have been so hard lately. The severe nausea/morning sickness reminds me of the depression Andrew Solomon writes about in Noonday Demon. Please allow yourself the smallest glimmer of hope. I do know that the most proven treatments for depression are medication and psychotherapy. Sometimes the combination needs to be altered and calibrated over and over... Is it possible to tweak medication or go more often to a therapist? A friend of mine who has suffered from severe lifetime depression has found additional relief from the new TMS treatment. Could it be a possibility? With a mix of these treatments and therapies she has been able to overcome the illness, or essentially manage it very well - which often gives me hope. Please continue to reach out for help.
Sending many supportive thoughts your way.

Sorry, yes. Thank you!

I'll be here understanding for as long as it takes....wish I could offer more, just know that you are heard!

I've not heard of that book but now I want to check it out. And thank you for your kind words and encouragement. I'm seeing my therapist weekly right now and I see my pdoc again on Monday. I expect my dosages will increase again and I'm fine with that. Whatever it takes, ya know?

Thanks again Elana05, your support means a lot!

Cyran0

So crap. I was doing ok there for awhile but my anxiety swelled, I didn't take anything for it, and now it seems to have worn me down into that familiar tired sadness.

It's so unfair the way this just goes on day after day and month after month. It takes so much energy to be strong all day, ya know?

I don't want to feel the anxiety anymore. I don't want to feel so sad when it wears me down. I want an easier life. I want to finally be ok.

Thanks for listening. Hopefully tomorrow will be better.

Cyran0

(((((((((Cyran0)))))))) I only just saw this. I thought (and hoped) that today had been a better one for you. It sucks that it ended with you feeling really sad again. You're right, it's not fair that you have to keep going through this, day after day.

I hope you took something to help you sleep tonight. And I'm sending out good vibes and many hugs to you. Also keeping the hope alive for better times ahead

Oh Cyran0. I'm sorry to hear that ur day wasn't to good. It absolutely sucks the anxiety. I hate that feeling, continuously fighting yourself all day long and that there alone exhausted ya.
I sit there all the time saying the same thing all the time. I just want ME back. I just want to be normal and fearless. I now look at other people and think I wish I could do that or I wounder if there struggling. I just want to be able to sit at home or at my girlfriends house for 1 night and be able to have a few drinks. I can't even do that anymore as it will set me off having a panic attack. I can't go for a drive with out feeling anxious. Now I sit and wonder am I going to be able to work again soon.... But then I sit there and say to myself after all those negative thoughts and find a tiny positive one and think If I have beaten this before then I sure as **** am gana do it again! I hope u have a better day tommorrow

sundog, I was ok (more or less) for much of the day. It wasn't until evening that the anxiety just grew and grew and by bedtime it just morphed into sadness.

Ambrosa, "I just want ME back". Yeah, that pretty much covers it, huh? I'm sorry you're struggling so much too but thanks for sharing your experience, hearing other people relate helps.

I'm anxious as hell today but I have to be in court at 1pm for part of my bankruptcy so I knew I'd be anxious today. I also have a huge work load at work today so I'll probably be working late. Just one of those days.

Cyran0

The Byzantine has a really good list to address these feelings. I have asked him to post it here. You may want to ask him if he can give it to you. I really liked it when I saw it, has a great method.