[Mustkeepjob32]

Hello all!

I haven't been here for a while, but over the last couple years I've been here on and off. Here's the deal:

I'm an RN and know that I'm a good RN. I general minimize my abilities in another areas but do know I'm a good nurse. I have a job in a hospital but am on leave. I need to get up the nerve to go back soon as I'm without money now and need to work.

I've had this problem for a while now. The job gets me very anxious. Some close to me have said I should do something other than nursing if I don't want to do nursing anymore. They don't realize that I do not want or can't do anything else other than nursing.

Anxiety affects pretty much everything in my life. I've got anxiety, depression, and BPD. The list of the pros of going to work is huge. Many good things would happen to me, namely being able to pay my bills, and other things. The cons are few. The pros of me not going to work is just that I won't be anxious about work, but the cons is a long list. Further self-esteem problems, living in poverty, etc...

I have an appointment with my pdoc tomorrow after not seeing her for a few weeks, so hopefully she can help me out.

Anyone have any advice on how to force myself to go to work and not stay home? Once I'm there I am in my groove. ALTHOUGH, sometimes at work, I stop for a minute and wonder what I'm doing there. But really where else would I be? The job is really stressful but it is good money. But stress is not what is killing it is anxiety before I get to work. Anxiety that something will happen that I won't be able to handle.

Missing work make me feel better for a little bit because I feel like I dodged a bullet, but then I start worrying again for a different reason. I then worry about losing my job for absences, giving in to my anxiety etc...

Anyone with job problems like mine that have some advice? When I work I make good money so I wish I could deal with this anxiety in a healthy way. BTW, anyone know of any good books for dealing with anxiety that cripples people and prevents them from doing a necessary thing like going to work?

Thanks all!

Z

[Sashie]

Healthcare can be a very demanding place. I'm studying nursing myself and I know that I can never be an ER or med surg nurse. There's tons of options as a nurse don't give up!

I even interviewed at a well known high volume physicians office, tied to a hospital. Just for part time hours while I finish my rn degree. It seemed really relaxing and nice. I even found out that the office mangers average 70,000 ! (East coast). That's nothing to sneeze at! Just keep thinking health care.

Stay on the path God bless!

[Pierro]

Maybe working for a doctor in practice may be an option. I am sorry I dont have any other advice to give you, but I know how hard nurses work. Its a catch 22! Best wishes.

[Mustkeepjob32]

Thanks Pierro. There are not many jobs right now in the US for nurses and the jobs that are available are for hospital nurses. I like what I do, but it is stressful. It's the anxiety that gets me most of the time though.

[live2ski66]

Hello Must Keep Job, I know exactly what you go through. I will lay in bed worried about what people will say about me, how many more chances I have, people thinking I'm not reliable, because I'm not reliable, I'm not invited to join cool projects. I leave a voice mail because I'm to afraid to talk to the boss in person. I worry she will think I'm just making it up and being lazy when in reality just leaving the voice mail is difficult.
I wish I knew how to crawl out of bed. Like you, once I'm at work I have a great time. It's the time between waking up and realizing I have to join the world of the living.
If you find an answer, please share.
Good luck!

[Melodic]

I don't have anything particularly helpful to add except I understand how you feel - the anxiety before going into work, the temporary relief of missing it, and then further anxiety due to potential repercussions of missing it; I feel exactly the same though I am merely studying in health care, and working just a casual job. I cannot offer any other advice other than to try and remind yourself that once you are there, everything runs smoothly. Maybe your doctor can help you find ways of combating the anxiety.

[MissyD]

This same issue has lead to me seeing a therapist for the first time. Mine has led to me quitting a grand total of 5 jobs in the last 2 years. Anxiety builds up for one reason or another (I don't see my kids enough, a co-worker is difficult to deal with, co worker doesn't do their job and I have to pick up the slack... yadda yadda)

The most I can recommend is take it one step at a time. Tell yourself you're just going to get up and get dressed. Then when you're dressed, tell yourself you'll just drive to work. Once there, give yourself a moment (this is where I usually fail and end up bailing or calling in) then step out of your car and slowly walk to the door. Once you're past the door you don't have a choice and the issue of not going is no longer an issue. I always feel like such a child for thinking this, but I wish I just had someone to force me to go to work. I wouldn't have to make the decision myself and inevitably make the wrong one.

I hope it helps! I know the boat you're in all too well.

[Verity81]

I can relate to how you feel. I hate it when anxiety stops you doing things you need or want to do!

I would suggest you look into mindfulness, that is being in the moment. Its a good way to relax and stop your brain from whizzing and thinking up worst case scenarios!

I think you probably have a lot of self confidence issues, I know I do. Practise self compassion and look how you are speaking to yourself.

You could try the book 'Feel the Fear and do it Anyway', I am gonna give it a go ...started reading it a while ago but didn't get into it but I think it might just have something to offer me now.

[Maskon]

I totally get what u r saying. I struggle with the same thing. Only now I HAVE to go to work as my sick times out if control... ( mind u recently I have been getting doc notes to cover my butt). Have u done any cbt workbooks? Author of feeling good...David burns I think, has this other workbook (& it's cheesy in some ways but I did find it helpful once I did daily thought records etc.... The books title is cheesy too it's like Ten steps yo better self esteem or ten days to better self esteem... Just a suggestion. (Feeling like I over used the word cheesy.)

[Mustkeepjob32]

Wow,

I just checked and have seen all your great responses to my post and I'm so grateful! Hearing that you guys feel the same away and battle the same issue is very comforting.
My parents have offered that I go home with them for a while and while that may be the best option, I know that soon I'll feel like getting a job and then everyone will be waiting for me to fail again.
I know a little bit about Mindfulness but not much; I will further look into it. I know I need to take baby steps on days I need to go to work. Sometimes I just worry I'm so lazy that I don't go to work. I almost believe that except then why does this whole thing cause me such misery?
I see these young people at my work and while I don't know their personal situations, I am amazed that they are able to go to work all the time (I envy them).
Thanks again all for your thoughtful replies!

["Tilly may"]

I also work in a hospital but am a technologist. I get anxiety at work and have it all day. I think if I quit work I would feel better but then I would have no money. I just tell myself " you can do it" especially before doing tasks that are challenging. I just keep chanting for myslef being my own cheerleader. My p doc once told me to never quit working because work keeps you feeling normal, and it s hard to get back into it once youve stopped. Imagine me cheering for you. Im there for you
Tilly

[StrongerMan]

I can relate so well to your situation. I worked in a job for 8 years that I largely hated. It was mentally stressful and physically demanding as well. But the worst was bad management creating a very difficult work environment. I wanted to quit so badly but I just suffered through it, unable to make a change. Then I hurt my back, and after a few months of recuperating but still not being anywhere near 100%, the company terminated me. I felt a lot of relief initially but now, as "Tilly may" mentioned, it has been terribly hard to get back to work. My avoidance behavior has only increased. Making it harder is that I had some savings and ended up getting a workers comp settlement so I have a nest egg to fall back on. It is a great chance for me to finally go back to school and start a new career, and I certainly don't want to deplete my savings, but I remain stuck with fear and indecision. And I've become more and more isolated. So I definitely can attest to the fact that your anxiety will only increase the longer you are away. Not sure how to overcome it. I've tried therapy and recently anti depressants to little benefit. I've been going to a new T and she uses rational emotive behavior therapy REBT. She described her overall approach as eclectic. I hope something will get me on track because I haven't been living for many months now (well, really all my life due to ACoA issues). I've just been existing with varying levels of fear and self sabotage.

Any way, I can answer your question as to why this brings you so much misery. You are putting yourself in what is called a double bind, that is, a situation of being presented 2 choices where neither alternative is tolerable. Abusers often use this tactic, intentionally or not, to keep control over their victim. Why? Because it is so effective at keeping the victim from escaping the abuse. They feel paralyzed. But in this case, you are the person inflicting this no win situation on yourself. And you too feel paralyzed because going to work brings immediate anxiety but avoiding it brings anxiety for multiple reasons. Each sucks and is intolerable. Of course, my trouble over getting back in the job market is a great example. I think some people, particularly those who grew up with abuse of some sort, find it extremely difficult to overcome these dilemmas. The abuse might not be obvious. For instance, it might stem from parents being overbearing or pitting siblings against one another creating a competitive environment where the only way to find love or attention was to win at all costs. But they could never be good enough. In my case, my angry, alcoholic father would tell me to shut up one day and then scold me for not speaking up the next. It is no wonder I have anxiety when dealing with authority figures (boss's) or situations where I am judged (a hiring process). So I know the answer to my avoidance behavior lies in my childhood. The defense mechanisms we have (avoidance, addiction, pd's etc...) are always just the symptoms of a larger issue at the core. And some level of anxiety is always present.

[veronicamarie]

I know how that feels its hard three months ago everytime I would go to work I work have anexity attacks and I told them I had to take a break and then I would just stay at my house everyday all day and eventually my anexity got so bad that its not just going to work its leaving my house I get horrible anexity and I developed agoraphobia I feel like if I would have stuck it out at work because it kept me out of my house pretty much everyday that I wouldn't be in this position anymore btw my work always got me anxious aswell but just stick it out and even if you can't bare with it don't stay home make sure you leave your house everyday for hours idk if you would develop what I have but you don't want to chance it , its the worse I feel trapped in my house and I regret a lot I wish I never stopped working or atleast I regret staying home its tortue to leave my house I don't like that feeling that comes over me so always do something everyday if youu couldn't work

Sent from my myTouch_4G_Slide using Tapatalk 2

[Mustkeepjob32]

Thanks for your guys' responses.

StrongerMan, I liked your illustration about me putting myself in a double mind. Damned if I do, damned if I don't. You're exactly right. If I don't work, I'll continue to live in this substandard poverty lifestyle that I've had as of late and won't improve myself or make myself stronger in anyway. If I force myself to go to work, I probably will suffer through some intense crippling anxiety, but hopefully I won't give in the anxiety but since I've been giving in for years, it's going to be very difficult.
I am sick of having and living with anxiety all the time. It needs to stop.

[Pleasefreeme]

Originally Posted by Mustkeepjob32

Wow,

I just checked and have seen all your great responses to my post and I'm so grateful! Hearing that you guys feel the same away and battle the same issue is very comforting.
My parents have offered that I go home with them for a while and while that may be the best option, I know that soon I'll feel like getting a job and then everyone will be waiting for me to fail again.
I know a little bit about Mindfulness but not much; I will further look into it. I know I need to take baby steps on days I need to go to work. Sometimes I just worry I'm so lazy that I don't go to work. I almost believe that except then why does this whole thing cause me such misery?
I see these young people at my work and while I don't know their personal situations, I am amazed that they are able to go to work all the time (I envy them).
Thanks again all for your thoughtful replies!

Bless you, I had the same problem for all the years I was working until I was medically retired at age 43 (I'm now 56).
My advice is to do as much work on 'self awareness' as possible. When we are afraid we project that into our future, much better to visualise yourself as coping with whatever situations that arise. See yourself full of confidence instead of anxiety, see your own face with a smile on it instead of a frown, moving through the days with ease. Get into the feeling and remember what it felt like on a particularly good day you had in the past, carry that with you. What you believe becomes your reality...truly!!!
Since you are already open to mindfulness I recommend 'The Secret' by Elaine N Aron. There's a short film on YouTube that covers the basics, or you can buy the full version. Always remember that the 'secret' is to be grateful for what you DO have. Start with the small things and work up to feeling how lucky you are to have a job, family and friends who support you, etc etc. I hope this helps and I am willing to support you from afar if you need it. I check in on here frequently.

[Mustkeepjob32]

Pleasefreeme,
Thank you for your thoughtful post that is very kind. The idea of imagining myself coping and even thriving in my day to day life (at work for example) is wonderful! I'm going to try it. I will also look into 'The Secret'. You are also very right about projecting into the future. I am always thinking about "what if" events in the future. I'm just starting to get into Mindfulness and hopefully will learn to live more in the moment.
Thanks again and hope you are doing well.

[StrongerMan]

We are what we..... think.

[winter4me]

As an RN myself, and a good one, I have struggled with this issue many years; some are better than others, and I have changed jobs fairly often, let go of opportunities to reduce my anxiety----taking a break right now, after 35+yrs, fearing ability to return, but I will, first through an agency I have worked for off and on for years (they are a good in-between escape; I go in, do the work, go home without getting involved in the "politics" "drama" etc---remain clinical and attentive...) and am on the edge financially pending the (hopeful) sale of my house. Do pursue the mindfulness, exercise, eat well, do whatever soothes you. One thing I do at work, is I go into the bathroom and wash my hands while breathing deeply, or, even in a room, just wash my hands and breathe. No one can fault a nurse for hand washing, and it gives a few moments to focus on a small, necessary activity while counting one-two-three-four in, one-two-three-four out.
I don't take my own advice as often as I should.
It is becoming clear to me that anxiety (& depression) is a major problem for many people in the work force----and yet we are not addressing this at all in the work place---
hmmm....
I wonder. I know there is research....I wonder if there is a place for one to create a role/service to work places in just this: managing stress, practicing relaxation before/after work/shift...[years ago when I worked in staff ed. "stress management" was the number one request for an in service when I surveyed the staff]

[Mustkeepjob32]

Thanks guys.

Winter, I love your focusing going to the bathroom and focusing on hand-washing and mindful breathing. I can actually picture myself doing that. It sounds like your positive about returning to work through an agency. Thank you and take care.

[winter4me]

ps: I don't think I have ever called in for an actual "physical" illness----always is anxiety related.