How do I deal with husband w/ADD

I have been married to my husband for only fifteen months and I can't deal with him anymore. He started our marriage by lying to me about his finances. He was in a financial mess and in trouble with the IRS. He had a good career with an attractive salary but had nothing saved and was in debt to his eyeballs. I have straightened all of that out and got us back on our feet, but after several arguments, mostly about his lack of financial understanding, he admits that he thinks he has ADD. He took some tests on the web and aced them for ADD and his internist prescribed Strattera at our request. He has been on 80 mg a day, for three months, but the meds only seem to calm his inner panic when it comes to getting his work done. He still can't remember to drop the trash off at the end of our drive, or turn out a light. He never gives me my messages or remembers to tell me anything important. He started a new business five months after our wedding. I help him with the accounting, buying supplies, etc. with no paycheck and I get anger and resentment when I put my two cents in about spending too much money in the company. I want to quit and have threatened it, but he would fail without me and can't afford to pay anyone just yet. He insisted I handle the money at home before we were married and now I know why. I managed the finances and paid off all of his credit card debt and IRS and got his taxes in order, canceled many of his accounts and got him to clean up his credit file. Anyway, after one year of marriage, he insists on having his own checking account so he can buy me gifts without me knowing what he is up to. He asks me if he can take 350 out of our savings, and I say okay, then he takes 750 instead. As usual he waits 2 days before Christmas to shop for me, I have already shopped for his daughter to keep him from waiting until the last minute like last year and spending 2 grand on Christmas Eve. He didn't do anything for me for our first anniversary, not even a card. I got a Walmart cake and ice cream for my birthday. No card. He overdrew his checking account on Valentines Day to buy me a poetry book at the drug store. No card. Then when the overdraft charges come in the mail I hit the roof. I asked him to take care of it at the bank and he blames me for calling him at work and telling him about it. Then, two days ago, he gets another overdraft notice in the mail saying he bounced a check for $25 right after Valentines Day. When I show this to him, he gets defensive and claims it can't be correct. He showed me his checkbook and the check was missing and he never wrote it down, carbon was missing. I remembered what he wrote it for and he then recalled it. He never even balanced his checkbook after the first overdraft charge. I get angry and very frustrated but not saying anything to him directly. He then becomes hostile with me because I am angry. We started our marriage struggling with money because of him and his ADD. All he has to do is earn money, take the trash to the curb and balance his checkbook. I do everything else. I clean, cook, buy groceries, cut grass, care for our animals, keep his guilt tripping mother happy, even clean his bathroom at his office. He says very hurtful things to me when he is angry, and he used to apologize and blame himself when he cooled down, but now our arguments just blow over and things slowly get back to normal. I know ADD plays a large role in his actions. I am no shrinking violet. I say what is on my mind and I think a lot of times he is hurt by my everyday comments to him. I am somewhat of a perfectionist and like things in order and timely. I know that is not always a good thing. I just feel I have to walk on eggshells around him. He can remember the things he wants to, like bringing his laptop home everyday cause it is his livelyhood. I resent that I am a last minute thought on special events. He never gets confrontational with anyone but me. I feel he is insecure and my personality makes him evern less confident. He has even stated before that I am always on the ball and he would like for me to screw up sometime so he can point it out to me. I can't win. If I help him and take care of everything then I am called a "control freak and I am not happy unless I am in control and I watch his every move and treat him like a child." If I don't take care of stuff it doesn't get done and then it costs us time and money, and frustration. I am at the end of my rope. I want my marriage to work. My husband has many good qualities, and I know that no one is perfect. Is there a natural remedy that works? Strattera is not working and it costs too much.

Hello,

Sounds like maybe he needs upped or there might be something else going on with him. The tests are good they have on here and make for a good guideline but I am not sure they are 100 percent conclusive. Will he go to a therapist and get an evaluation? The other thing with strattera you can not miss a dose and have it work, it has to be constant..not sure this will help you.. you sound very frustrated adn I can relate on some level..

good luck
Peg

Thanks for your input Marguerite. What do you mean by upped. Meds? He does miss his evening dose of Srtattera a lot. I am going to look into couseling for both of us. "Life is too short to be miserable" has always been my motto.

Endofrope, he needs to take those meds at the SAME time EVERY day. I have ADHD and I have worked my butt off trying to better myself. It seems like your husband is not trying at all. He wants you to take care of him while he spends and does what he wants when he wants. I think he may be using ADD as an excuse for his actions. A friend of mine is the same way, it seems common sense is thrown out the door and he blames it on someone or something else, needless to say his relationships, and work never goes anywhere. He needs to concentrate more, write things down, everything from the checkbook to the messages he gets on the phone. Some people who are diagnoses give up others try harder. It is good that you have helped him, but you can only do so much. He needs to help himself and it sounds like he isn’t even trying. If you can get into counseling then go for it, if he doesn’t want to go then you need to ask yourself if you want to live this way for the rest of your life. I am sorry for being harsh, but you live life only once. He lied to you before, that is a big no no in my book, and he may never stop lying if that is the case. Believe me, I know.

I mean increase his dosage..Since he is often missing his night does, that alone could be the reason its not working for him.. Might want to consider switching to concerta or a drug that is not highly affected by a missed does..Strattera although a time release only releases for a certain amount of time (till the next dose) "per my understanding" I can tell when my son has not taken his right.. grrrrrrrrrrr

good luck
Peg

We have asked our doc to increase it since it doesn't seem to work, but due to my husbands high blood pressure, he won't change the meds to a stimulant and he would not increase his Strattera. My husband has an appointment to see a neurologist next week and after this evaluation he agreed to marriage counseling. It seems that his anger can't all be blamed on ADD and I won't let him use it as a crutch. thanks for all the input to everyone.

Good Luck Endofrope

ADD may be a reason a person acts out but ultimately it is the person who makes the choice to behave wrongly. granted it may be harder for someone with an affliction such as add to grab control but it is entirely possible..

You can 'ace' those web tests if you answer the questions untruthfully. All of those types of tests (and, yes, I know I have one of my own site) are just a starting point. A big problem in our society is that we self-diagnose, and than our Doctors prescribe the medications we ask for as long as they think it won't hurt us. This is a big problem.

Anyway, you have a bigger problem, I think. The two of you are not getting solid advice from a professional. You really need to see someone that is a specialist in Attention Deficit Disorder, and who understands the medicinal as well as emotional issues. Also, I see that you are enabling his behavior (I know about this.. just ask my wife). I think you could benefit from some couples counseling to deal with those issues.

I'm glad to hear you are not a shrinking violet... Because I really think you can get through all of this, but it will be difficult. I strongly suggest that you need to focus on the two of you as a couple (with counseling if required), need to get a real diagnosis and realistic treatment.

There are several good websites that deal with intimate relationships and ADD. You can find some of these by looking at another post I made about ADD websites. Also, there are several good books available on marriage and ADD... Visit Amazon.com.

But, before you get too carried away, please do get your husband to a experienced professional that can verify that he even has ADD.

Wishing you all the best!

Thanks for all the support everyone. My husband has been tested by a psycologist and got his results last week. He does have ADD and problems with mood. He has an average IQ but is slow to process information. He goes back to the prescribing doctor this week to start on meds. Cross your fingers that it works. We have had some serious problems since my first post, but we are trying to work through it. We have not ruled out marriage counseling just yet. We will see what the meds do for him.

Again thanks for the input folks.

Trust me, I anderstand! I am that same husband. I have drove my wife CRAZY! Trust me, it is not our fault! Hang in there for him. He needs you! Getting the medication is only HALF the solution. It is a way of life change he will need to go through, and MOST important, he must want to change. It was more than 50% of my cure just to know that I had it and I am not crazy or lazy. Another 30% is the medication, and the last 20% is the ability to understand what you have and want to change! This is my theroy only. My life is so much different now only after 3 months of treatment and realization. Best of luck!

I am in the same boat you are. I have been married to my husband for 14 years. I was the one who knew something was wrong and read and researched. Once I came across the symptoms of ADD, it's like someone had been living with us and observing him. I went to the family doctor who thought I was terrible and just wanted him to behave the way "I wanted". After extensive testing, it was confirmed that he had ADD. He was labelled a "slow-learner" as a child and went to a special school. I started to notice other symptoms that I didn't think were ADD related and thought it might have something to do with his childhood. Then I read about Asperger's Syndrome and I am certain he is also dealing with that. He has great difficulty managing money (like your husband) and couldn't sit still if he had to. He is constantly cracking toes and moving. He never, ever looks relaxed. He is horrible to sit beside in church or a theatre production. He looks at people around and behind us in church which is unnerving to people who are trying to concentrate on singing, and wonder why he is looking at them. Then he stops singing and has to refocus himself to find out where we are at. We went to go see Phantom of the Opera and it was pure torture. I couldn't concentrate on the play because of his incessant fidgitting. I can accept the fact that he is unable to control some of this, but when I mention to him that he is doing this (or something else negative) he becomes argumentative. Then I get into a battle of trying to show him and prove to him that this is what he is doing. He will not admit or accept the fact that he has ADD. His mother (when she was still alive) refused to accept the diagnosis, so he thinks there is nothing wrong and went off his meds and stopped seeing his doctor. He lacks social skills in a "big way" and is extremely unsympathetic. He mimics and waits for you to do something before he will do it. When my father passed away, he never cried unless I cried. Then he only did so for a moment and stopped. He can't read my emotions or other peoples, so he misses the subtle clues that people give when they're upset, annoyed, angry, etc. If you are drinking tea with him, he only picks up the cup when you do. Never initiated on his own. It is really unnerving. He hides things from me (financial problems, etc.), is horrific at communicating. We have seen 4 different counsellors over the years and the one we spent the most time with told me to leave him. He will not take medication, yet he sleeps all the time. He will go to bed early and get up at 8:00 am and then fall asleep in the chair at 9:00 am. I try to tell him to stay in bed and sleep if he's tired. When I tell him to go to bed because he's sleeping, he starts arguing with me that he wasn't sleeping. Usually people that have their eyes closed, head tilted, and are snoring, are sleeping. It got to the point where my children refused to drive with him in the car for safety reasons. I tried to tell him he was falling asleep at the wheel and then he starts to argue and say he's not. His cars fall apart from neglect. We did not replace his last car and I must say I am finally relieved that he's not on the road anymore because I was so afraid he would kill himself and take someone else with him.
I am a very handy person (thanks to my father who taught me how to fix things when I was young) and he gets angry when I fix, build, or do something that is considered a "man's" responsibility. I lived alone with 3 children for 5 years before we met and there were times I needed to be able to do these things. He ends up breaking whatever he is trying to fix and doesn't tell you about it. When you approach him about it, he denies it even though it is obvious that is what happened.
He will break things and not tell me about it and not clean it up properly. You have no idea how many times I have ended up with shards of glass in the bottom of my foot from something he broke. He always denies it, but there is no one else who could have broken it, and then I realize we are down another glass in our cupboards.
Anyhow, I'm sure you can hear the frustration in my words, and I am getting sick of the his answers without listening to the question, the lying, and arguing for no reason.
I guess I could go on for hours, but I have given up trying to help. His symptoms are getting worse, and yet if he is not willing to get help and take the meds and admit he needs them, then there is nothing I can do. I feel more like the mom than the wife. I already have a high stress job and take care of the house, children, finances, just about everything. Don't get me wrong, I have my flaws too. The difference is that I am honest with myself and others about them, and I work at trying to make them better. I sometimes feel like I am the only one trying in this realtionship and didn't know I would have to carry the load for everyone. I need someone I can rely on from time to time. It is hard not being able to trust the information he gives you because if he doesn't know or remember something, he makes it up.
So please hang in there. I know there is help out there for him (and for me), but the medical community needs to realize that this is a problem that affects the whole family, and sometimes I think it is just as bad for the spouse when you have someone that won't admit or can't see the issues.
Keep blogging and maybe together we can commessurate and support each other until we're both at a place of acceptance, peace, and the ultimate, joy!

Good points there.
I hate online "tests"--they are not diagnostic and there is no way to tell if a person has ADHD or anything else by these tests. They are entertainment. I even doubt they have internal validity enough to be useful as a screening tool, let alone a diagnostic tool. I'm surprised they have them on here (maybe they have a disclaimer--I hope).

Any doctor that takes the results of an online test for some mental disorder and prescribes a psychotropic based on that and spousal report alone needs to have their license taken away.

I understand the frustration, but I would really doubt the Strattera is helpful for whatever it is he has at all.

I'm sorry that you are going through such a frustrating time. I think there are some things to look at deeper here and some ways avoid future conflict that you haven't considered yet. There is hope on the horizon!

First of all, I would really consider seeing a therapist (a psychologist) for yourself so that you can take care of your mental health state while dealing with so many frustrations, dissapointments, and anger. You must take steps in taking care of yourself first, or you will be entirely ineffective in dealing with someone else's problems (your husband's or someone else's) Have you considered seeing a psychologist for yourself?

Secondly---I have never heard of a doctor doing what you described above in determining if a patient has ADHD. For all you really know, he could quite possibly have something entirely different, such as Bipolar Disorder; maybe even something co-morbid even (which is more the rule than the exception in previously undiagnosed adults with ADHD).

I have also never heard of a General Practitioner (be they Internal Medicine or Family Practice) diagnose ADHD. ADHD is very complicated and it's symptoms can mimic a myriad of other similar disorders. There could also be something else going on entirely, or co-morbidly as I pointed out before. Stratterra usually isn't as effective in treating ADHD symptoms as a stimulant class drug would be. Stimulants come in short, medium, and long-acting formulas, and there are many different types of stimulants. They are usually the most effective in dealing with ADHD. Stratterra also does not work right away the way that stimulants do.

You also need to make sure that your husband sees a psychologist (not a psychiatrist or other counselor or doctor) who has experience in diagnosing and treating the adult ADHD population. They are far more skilled in the diagnostic neuropsychological tests that are used to aid in diagnosis of ADHD, and they won't just be looking at prescribing drugs as the sole treatment or sole goal of the diagnostic process. They will rule out other disorders in the process, and they spend more time in diagnosing than any psychiatrist or other M.D. would.

If they psychologist thinks a trial of a stimulant or other medication is needed, he can refer your husband to a M.D./psychiatrist whose clinical judgment he respects (or even a M.D. or psychiatrist of your choice) in order to see if they concur with his assesment for a trial of a stimulant drug. I am also a big believer of psychotherapy in conjunction with medication for treatment of ADHD, and research has shown that this approach is usually the most beneficial (as long as the therapist has skill and background with the adult ADHD population). He can work on his behavioral problems with the therapist.

He really should have his own checking account anyway, but you should keep yours separate. In that way, he can learn to be more responsible with his money, and it won't affect your account at all. If you wanted, you could have one checking account you share (with a smaller balance in it), and each have your own separate checking accounts. I would never let him dip into savings to buy anything at all unless it was urgently necessary for the both of you to begin with (but then you shouldn't either, IMO), as then you won't be able to save very much. Needs vs. wants are something that many people have to struggle with in our consumer oriented society.

You should go over his checkbook with him and make a time certain every day and/or week to review the bills and teach him how to make a habit of balancing his checkbook properly with every check written. The other option is to commit all bills due to online automatic drafts from his and your checking account. Then, the only checks he would write would be to non-bill items. If you do that route, you would still need to go over the checkbook with him at least weekly and reinforce good banking skills in him. He might never have learned the proper way.

I find it not too uncommon that males in general often overlook anniversaries, and that is not specific to ADHD. Even some females. I'm sure that he probably felt bad for overlooking it, didn't he? The question of getting a card or not alongside your birthday present of cake and ice cream seems to be a non-issue when you think about it. After all, he didn't forget your birthday, and just because he forgot a card isn't reason enough to be angry at him, don't you think? Maybe that is something of the perfectionism that you spoke of probably having too much of--getting in the way of enjoying the good things that he does do? Not accusing, just speculating.

What kind of hostility? Verbal? Physical? Either verbal or physical hostility is not to be tolerated in any relationship. If it is ever physical hostility, you need to call the police and get yourself safe right away. If it isn't violence toward you, but it is rather a heated argument, you must ask yourself if you are demanding too much too fast of him--if you begin an argument by accusing your partner of not doing what he is supposed to be doing, it will likely be perceived as an attack, and he will go on the defensive. You must learn to bring things to his attention in a way that isn't perceived as hostile. He will be much more receptive to whatever it is you have to say, and it won't blow up into something huge.

No one can remember things if they want to though---it isn't that easy. People don't choose to remember some things and forget other things. If he has ADHD, the thing to keep in mind is that one of the regions of the brain affected is the one that deals with the "working memory" and prioritization.

I certainly don't think doing things for him is a good idea. Teamwork is a good approach, but you really could undermine his confidence if you do it all for him. Is there a way you can do it with him and watch where he goes wrong at and show him the correct way?
I'm not sure what confrontational means in the context you've written it, but if you mean he argues with only you, it is likely because you live together, and he doesn't live with other people who are right there to point out his every flaw (even legitimate total screw-ups). He's probably quite bright if he can run his own business and make money at it. Your own description says he was quite successful in some business he had or was employed in before you married him. He just sounds like he needs some guidance.
I really hope that you encourage him to see a psychologist to get reassessed, and whether he goes or not, I suggest that you go to a separate one yourself to deal with the problems brought on by this dynamic. Patience goes a long way...take care of yourself.

That sounds really rough.
I want to say though that "slow learning" isn't a sign of ADHD. I only say that for the benefit of those who don't know that much about ADHD so that they don't lump them together or confuse the two.
How long has your husband been this way?
I'm pretty worried about his excessive sleeping, as that is not an ADHD symptom. Is it possible he has Narcolepsy or some other disorder that might account for his sleep attacks (which I gather were also while behind the wheel)?
The mimicking I am utterly confused about too... definitely not an ADHD symptom either. Did he ever tell you what he was in the special school for specifically (I don't just mean for being a slow learner)?

being a parent of a adhd son and an add daughter
nobody has said the following some of the things you mention are related to adhd and add like simcha says it could be something else

i experience add/adhd symptoms i also notice some of the things that the children one is 17 and other is 24 did as they were growing is smiler to how i was and when i am depressed

dyslexic also runs in this family and those show up when i am depressed

but the thing i am concerned about is that nobody has mentioned how did you not pick up on his symptoms before you married

one of the main symptoms is poor memory skills , organization,

i have a brother in law who i swear is add/adhd never been diagnosed but going by what i know of adhd/add his behavior is very smiler but he has no need to be diagnosed as he managed in school and life only now 24 he has a job and a g/f they are expecting a child

but what i am saying add/adhd symptoms would of been there through out his life

Good points there.