[pinkisfloyd]

I'm sorry, but I am new to this kind of thing and I am not sure if I am supposed to post this stuff here or not. Please excuse me for I have not slept in 5 days now. My mind is not 100%. My problems are endless and my concerns are over ever having a somewhat 'normal' life. I have a long history. I know I should be talking with a doctor in person so I can explain all these things but I am currently watching my life sort of fall apart around me. No job, no money, no medical. Though, I am not even concerned about that stuff. A quick background. Depressed from a very young age but I was able to hide it. Major drug and alcohol abuse starting at age 12. I ran and hide and bull crapped my way through life. But nothing has ever lasted or maintained stability for more than a few months. Finally at age 27 (in 2000) I had a full blown psychotic break. I moved back home with mom and dad and was able to get a slight grip on it again, but it was not long before everything exploded. From that point, I was hospitalized 5 times over the next 2 & 1/2 yrs. 2 for being unable to sleep which lead to a psychotic break each time. 1 for a major attempt on my life. 2 for worried doctors, which in all honesty, they were on the money. I was in danger but I was not sharing it. Quick step back, in 1996 I was diagnosed with ADHD by a university doctor. That was, at that time, the most eye opening experience of my life. I finally had some answers. Back to 2000, my first hospital stay diagnosed me bipolar with psychotic episodes. I am 100% sure of the ADHD, I have even opened my mom's eyes to the fact she has it too as well as her brother and father. The bipolar thing, 99%. I guess that is because there is no known family history of it, not to say it is not there, just don't know. No one has every showed or acted it, but neither did I. I used to tell my mom that I am the greatest BS that every lived. She used to hate that but she did not understand me. I am a great BS'er because I have been fooling everyone around me my entire life to believe that everything was fine. Of course, on dad's side, my grandparents where both alcoholics. Not hard alcohol drinker but never without a beer and a cigarette. And, when my grandfather died (on dad's side), I watched my grandmother basically smoke and drink herself to death within 2 yrs. I was about 7-8. Sounds like a link to me. 3 & 1/2 yrs ago, I was feed up with New Jersey and my job. One Monday morning I decided I was done with it. I quit my job, packed my things, THREW OUT ALL my meds and quickly bailed out of my parents house while they were at work. I could not even say goodbye to them. I did not tell anyone I was leave, I just left. I drove 3300 miles and arrived at my new home. A friend from home had been living there for a few months so it was not 100% blind faith to the wind.

In the 3 1/2 yrs I have been out here, I have experienced the roughest times of my life. I got evicted, was homeless and starving all at the same time and all for the first time in my life. Now, here is were it has me confused and still questioning bipolar diagnosis. I have not been depressed the entire time. Even right this minute, I am probably days away from being back on the streets. (At least this time I have food stamps.) And yet, I am not experiencing depression. It really blows my mind. It has me very confused and even concerned. I have self medicated my whole life with weed and boozes which I now is bad but it is something I enjoy and I have never really been able to get away from it. Although, the abuse factor has calmed (with age I think). I do feel trapped in life right now because I am basically stuck in a one horse town that has zero work with no means to leave. Besides the fact that I am not obssessed with suicide, I know I am not depressed because... I normally do not sleep more than 6 hrs a night usually more like 4. When I am dpressed, I can't get out of bed. I sleep for 20 hrs a day.
I certainly don't want to end up back in the hospital, especially in CA with my family in NJ. I feel a little hopeless and I am definitely concerned about the rest of my life. 36 yrs old longest relationship 3 yrs, longest job - 1 1/2 yrs. At this point, it is quite clear to any prospective employer that I have a problem. No one wants to hire someone who is not going to stick around. Not sticking around anywhere is a gaint red flag - mentally unstable. Then add no wife or kids, yea, I would not hire me.

I guess I was just wondering if anyone can relate or help me understand this any of this.
Oh, by the way, I have not had any weed or beer for a week and I have not slept in 5 days.
Thank you for your time.
Sincerely,
Ken

[Yoda]

Hello Ken,

Welcome to PC. I can relate to some of what you have described. I am not a doctor but it does sound like bipolar. There should be a way that you can see a physician for free or for little cost and likely get meds free or little cost too. I am not familiar with that state so I don't know where to send you. Five days with no sleep is serious. I went that long without sleep several years ago and I was seeing bugs on the walls and on my skin. It amazes me that you can write so well with no sleep. If you feel that you are in crisis you can go to an emergency department and they will evaluate you and if necessary hospitalize you. Not fun but sometimes necessary.

This site is quite big so often people feel ignored because they get few responses to their posts. I felt that way at first before I realized that most days there are over a thousand new posts. Keep posting and ask for help.

Stay strong.

[VickiesPath]

Ken,
I agree with Yoda. It sounds like bipolar. I wouldn't be thinking ADHD. Bipolar plus the alcoholism in the family history, very much like my history.

I'm in Arizona. Here we have free mental health services......I am thinking that there might be the same available in CA? The organization here is called Magellan. I know they are in CA but they might not have the same programs. Anyway, like Yoda said, if you go to an ER, you should be able to get help and meds and you definitely need to be stabilized so you can make some badly needed decisions about your life. And you can't do those without sleep. They'll help you with that, too.

Try real hard to stay away from the booze, weed and other street stuff. There is no good end to it.

Believe me, I've been around us kinda folks for over 20 years and we don't get better unless we get help, as in meds. Please give it a try.

My thoughts and prayers are with you.

[pinkisfloyd]

Thanks Yoda, nice to hear from you. That is funny what you said about the bugs, I had the same thing. Fortunately, I was able to get to sleep about 5 this morning. I got about 6 hrs and I definitely feel better.

Are you bipolar? Do you take meds? I have problems with meds, although I know that they saved my life and they help millions. But, I don't like the way I feel on them and I don't like the idea of changing myself to fit into society. And, I do have that nagging voice in my head saying why do you need this stuff. I guess one thing that makes this disorder so difficult is the fact that we have stages or phases when we do fine. And then, all of the sudden, right back in the deep dark abyss. Then, we blame ourselves for it all.

Although, I am feeling that I might give meds a try again.

Can I also ask you, do you have any substance abuse issues. You see, because I constantly wonder if I am the cause. There is the side of me that knows I had problems from as far back as I can remember and I always felt different. You certainly don't think about self medicating when you are a teen. You drink and party to be social, meet new people and have fun. It's confusing but I'd say with 100% certainty that I did and still do, self medicate with weed.
Thanks,
Ken

[(JD)]

Here ya go. Click on this and you can read some of what this site has to say about Bipolar Disorder. http://psychcentral.com/lib/2007/an-introduction-to-bipolar-disorder/

and you can click on this one to take the screening quiz DocJohn has on the site. http://psychcentral.com/quizzes/bipolarquiz.htm

Hope that helps you move about a bit.

[pinkisfloyd]

Thanks Vickie. I am curious why you say you wouldn't be thinking ADHD. In my mind after yrs of research on it, I am positive I have it. I have been dxed with both.

Secondly, I do not consider a plant that grows wild all over the world to be a street drug. It is just a flower with no manufacturing by man. I have to say that weed has given me great relief many times throughout my life. And, it definitely has a major calming effect on me. I actually haven't smoked in 6 days. And I felt that if I could just get some, I would be able to get some sleep. Secondly, I control the amount and it wears off in 2 hrs. I have an expired prescription for it and I took a class to get it. There were many people with many stories, all in favor of it. Including, the doctor.

I am not saying that it is good or bad, honestly I don't know what the real answer is. I just know what it does for me and what others have told me. I find it hard to believe that man made drugs are safe. Everyday you see (on TV) some lawyers group asking you if you took this med because it messed up so many people that the company is being sued. Also, just for the fact the not 1 single human being has ever died from an overdose. Then, there is the strength factor. I have taken meds that just knocked me out, some that made my head spin crazily, others that made me feel like I was losing my mind. These are extremely powerful substances made by man. And the kicker, they have no clue how the stuff works or even why. Mary Jane is so much safer and easier to regulate in your body. Heck, you can just eat and you will start push it out of your system.

One more time, I am certainly not suggesting that ANYONE should smoke it. Nor am I saying that it is an alternative to meds. I am just expressing my take from my life experiences.

I would love to hear more on the subject. From anyone.
Thanks,
Ken

[Yoda]

Here is what my sleuthing found:

The Center for Mental Health
Internet: www.pai-ca.org (I can't get the site to load tonight though)
Oakland Office: Phone: 510-839-0811
Toll-free: 800-776-5746

They should be able to help you find resources in CA.

[pinkisfloyd]

Thanks All, I appreciate it. I took the test and scored 36. I guess I am bipolar. Like I mentioned, I have been dxed with it. I guess I found it hard to believe that this is what has caused my life to be this crazy. I have a habit of blaming myself and therefore always felt it was because I was a screw up.

Hi Sky, the first link you sent me did not work.

[Sammy Jo]

Hey Ken,

I can relate with you on some things. I'm not a doctor and have no idea what is wrong with me either, so I really can't give advice I guess but it does sound like Bipolar. I was on meds as a teen, it made me suicidal and like a zombie. So now my life is spinning out of control but I don't have the courage to try another medication. My mom also ha severe problems with meds the whole time I was growing up, she has Bipolar also. She stop her meds when I was 14 and then it was like she was a different person. A doctor has told me I was Bipolar but I guess now I am at the depressed phased and it seems to be lasting longer than usual. But sometimes I think nothing is wrong with me and maybe I have a right to be a little screwed up. I also don't sleep and have seen the "bugs" along with several other things. From the time I was 15 until about 20 I drank alot but then again I think all my friends did too. I don't know. I have used drugs but not weed. I don't like being mellow, I like jumping off the walls. For awhile that was the only way I could get myself moving. If someone was to offer me something right now I think I would take it in a instant. I know that's probably bad but it seems that is the only time I feel like I can be myself or actually happy. Well, sorry for rambling. Best of luck to you. I would say go to the ER but I have yet to do it myself because I am afraid I will be hospitalized and now just isn't a good time for it. So, sorry I really couldn't give you any advice but I do hope everything works out for you.

sam

[pinkisfloyd]

Hi Sammy, good to hear from you. So, you like things that speed you up? I am the exact opposite. I have tried pretty much everything out there and I never cared for things that speed me up. From weed to booze to pills, I have always loved things that slow me down. The only exception is Adderal and Ritalin. They are termed psycho stimulants. I enjoyed the focus it gave me for the small boring crap that I normally never take care of. ADHD is a ***** too.

I am planning on trying to see a doctor tomorrow but I don't look forward to it. I hate every time re-explaining my life story. I mean it's freakin 10,000 page novel for crying out loud. How can I possible explain this in under an hour? Then there is the problem of which meds to use. I have tried many but don't know what works best. The bottom line, I need meds to sleep at a bare minimum. Seroquil and/or Trazadone work fine for me. Plus I enjoy the slowing down to the point that I will take the meds at 10, enjoy the buzz for a few hours and then crash out.

I would have to say, the most annoying thing for me is not getting tired. Everyone always telling me just go to bed and close your eyes, you will fall asleep. One of my best friends said that to me the other day when I was on day 5 of no sleep. I totally snapped on him. I felt bad but it is frustrating for me when someone has absolutely NO idea of what I go through, yet they think they have the answer. Sure Dude! I know it is becaue they care and really want to help. Unfortunately, not many do. When I get into bed, I think I then have no distractions - TV, computer, etc.. and my mind just goes into a hyper mode. Thoughts just flush through me. Therefore, I do NOT like to go to sleep unless I am really tired. Well, that almost never happens. Except, when I am depressed.
Ken

[Sammy Jo]

Yes, Adderal I like. I totally get the focus thing. I like pills mostly. Ones that get me cleaning the house or something. My husband told me the exact thing yesterday, just lay down and you'll fall asleep. I don't like sleeping. I feel like it's a waste of time most of the time. When I'm depressed I just lay in bed but usually don't fall asleep. I just sit there and think, why am i so F***ed up? I went to a psychiatrist a week ago, thinking I was going to be able to actually get all my feeling out, tell my life story. I was in there for ten minutes! He told me to go back the next day but I didn't. How is somebody try different drugs on me and they don't even know anything about me? I have a son and I'm afraid that I'm going to have a zombie effect on them and won't be able to take care of him. So, i basically try to deal with it my own ways, which by the way, isn't working.

[pinkisfloyd]

Wow, the more I hear about you, the more I realize how alike we are. My whole life I have said that sleep is a waste of time and I still feel that way except for when it is needed. Folks like us are on a differnt clock than the rest of the world. I think a day should be more like 45 or so hours. For me, 3 nights without sleep and I start to get worried. The funny thing is after 1 night without sleep, my energy levels are high and it actually becomes harder and harder to sleep. As I wrote that, I am thinking "Well, isn't that mania?". What a crazy disorder.

Sammy, I am the same way. I'll smoke constantly when manic. When I am depressed, I sleep about 20hrs a day and rarely leave my bed.

[Sammy Jo]

it is five in the morning where I am and I am wide awake and feel more energized than I have all day. If I was to try to get a few hours, I would wake up feeling like crap and be sluggish all day. When I start seeing things, that's when I say, okay..maybe now it's time for sleep. And right now I'm sitting here typing thinking, I wonder if I'm manic right now. The last few months I have been severely depressed about EVERYTHING in my life right now. My father's dying, my son's is Autistic and that been very hard, I'm in a relationship where I feel stuck, I'm in the middle of nowhere and I hate it here. Then the last few days, I feel more energized. Usually when I'm manic, I can read a book in a night, my self esteem goes through the roof and I don't need sleep. I really like it though. I'm afraid that if I am put on meds I won't feel like that and I don't want that part of it to go away.

[Yoda]

Originally Posted by pinkisfloyd

Thanks Yoda, nice to hear from you. That is funny what you said about the bugs, I had the same thing. Fortunately, I was able to get to sleep about 5 this morning. I got about 6 hrs and I definitely feel better.

Are you bipolar? Do you take meds? I have problems with meds, although I know that they saved my life and they help millions. But, I don't like the way I feel on them and I don't like the idea of changing myself to fit into society. And, I do have that nagging voice in my head saying why do you need this stuff. I guess one thing that makes this disorder so difficult is the fact that we have stages or phases when we do fine. And then, all of the sudden, right back in the deep dark abyss. Then, we blame ourselves for it all.

Although, I am feeling that I might give meds a try again.

Can I also ask you, do you have any substance abuse issues. You see, because I constantly wonder if I am the cause. There is the side of me that knows I had problems from as far back as I can remember and I always felt different. You certainly don't think about self medicating when you are a teen. You drink and party to be social, meet new people and have fun. It's confusing but I'd say with 100% certainty that I did and still do, self medicate with weed.
Thanks,
Ken

Hi Ken,

Yes I am bipolar. I think I have been since college but I coped with it well until my BF started using meth and went loco. Long story.

I have been on psych meds for about a decade. I take quite a few and wonder if I am overmedicated. I posted about that yesterday. I haven't had mood swings for a very long time and feel stable so I am going to discuss DCing some of them with my doc today. I am always dizzy and hope to get rid of the offending med(s).

Yes I have had some substance abuse. I was a binge drinker when I was with other people drinking but I have only had alcohol once in the last fifteen years. I finally decided the distress to my stomach wasn't worth it. And I smoked weed. For a few years after my BF died I would sleep 12-14 hours/day and was stoned all the time I was awake to numb the pain. That was in 2000 and I have really cut back in the past few years. I started just smoking in the evenings and then cut back to a few times a week and this year I went four months without smoking. Personally I am not totally anti-weed as nobody has ever died from overdose on weed and it is not physically addictive but it does change your brain and the effects of psych meds so I wanted to see if I improved without it. Of course it does change depth perception so I never smoke and drive. I am taking selegeline which is being studied for its use in helping people stop smoking weed so perhaps that is helping. My psychiatrist is not totally anti-weed either but he suggested I limit it to once a week. When I was in the hospital this month a therapist asked me if I abused drugs and I told him I had gone four months without but then smoked a joint after a distressing call to the IRS. I was surprised when he said that was not abusing drugs. I know that lots of folks will disagree with what I have posted and that is okay. I am not giving advice; I am just telling you about myself and how I feel. I have never read anything about weed causing bipolar but there are studies that suggest it can cause/worsen schizophrenia. Personally I feel that alcohol is an evil drug and there really is no appropriate use for it ever. Pretty much the same for all other recreational drugs; I don't do them because they are not safe. I was the RN caring for a 22 year old boy who had done cocaine and it caused his coronary arteries to clamp down and he did not respond to meds and he had a massive heart attack and died. One time can kill you.

I hope you find a good doctor to prescribe some meds for your bipolar. The right drug can really help you handle it. I don't think of it as changing to fit into society (I am and always will be a rebel) but I hope they improve my functioning.

Let us know how you are doing and if you can find a doc.

[kileybaby]

Originally Posted by pinkisfloyd

I'm sorry, but I am new to this kind of thing and I am not sure if I am supposed to post this stuff here or not. Please excuse me for I have not slept in 5 days now. My mind is not 100%. My problems are endless and my concerns are over ever having a somewhat 'normal' life. I have a long history. I know I should be talking with a doctor in person so I can explain all these things but I am currently watching my life sort of fall apart around me. No job, no money, no medical. Though, I am not even concerned about that stuff. A quick background. Depressed from a very young age but I was able to hide it. Major drug and alcohol abuse starting at age 12. I ran and hide and bull crapped my way through life. But nothing has ever lasted or maintained stability for more than a few months. Finally at age 27 (in 2000) I had a full blown psychotic break. I moved back home with mom and dad and was able to get a slight grip on it again, but it was not long before everything exploded. From that point, I was hospitalized 5 times over the next 2 & 1/2 yrs. 2 for being unable to sleep which lead to a psychotic break each time. 1 for a major attempt on my life. 2 for worried doctors, which in all honesty, they were on the money. I was in danger but I was not sharing it. Quick step back, in 1996 I was diagnosed with ADHD by a university doctor. That was, at that time, the most eye opening experience of my life. I finally had some answers. Back to 2000, my first hospital stay diagnosed me bipolar with psychotic episodes. I am 100% sure of the ADHD, I have even opened my mom's eyes to the fact she has it too as well as her brother and father. The bipolar thing, 99%. I guess that is because there is no known family history of it, not to say it is not there, just don't know. No one has every showed or acted it, but neither did I. I used to tell my mom that I am the greatest BS that every lived. She used to hate that but she did not understand me. I am a great BS'er because I have been fooling everyone around me my entire life to believe that everything was fine. Of course, on dad's side, my grandparents where both alcoholics. Not hard alcohol drinker but never without a beer and a cigarette. And, when my grandfather died (on dad's side), I watched my grandmother basically smoke and drink herself to death within 2 yrs. I was about 7-8. Sounds like a link to me. 3 & 1/2 yrs ago, I was feed up with New Jersey and my job. One Monday morning I decided I was done with it. I quit my job, packed my things, THREW OUT ALL my meds and quickly bailed out of my parents house while they were at work. I could not even say goodbye to them. I did not tell anyone I was leave, I just left. I drove 3300 miles and arrived at my new home. A friend from home had been living there for a few months so it was not 100% blind faith to the wind.

In the 3 1/2 yrs I have been out here, I have experienced the roughest times of my life. I got evicted, was homeless and starving all at the same time and all for the first time in my life. Now, here is were it has me confused and still questioning bipolar diagnosis. I have not been depressed the entire time. Even right this minute, I am probably days away from being back on the streets. (At least this time I have food stamps.) And yet, I am not experiencing depression. It really blows my mind. It has me very confused and even concerned. I have self medicated my whole life with weed and boozes which I now is bad but it is something I enjoy and I have never really been able to get away from it. Although, the abuse factor has calmed (with age I think). I do feel trapped in life right now because I am basically stuck in a one horse town that has zero work with no means to leave. Besides the fact that I am not obssessed with suicide, I know I am not depressed because... I normally do not sleep more than 6 hrs a night usually more like 4. When I am dpressed, I can't get out of bed. I sleep for 20 hrs a day.
I certainly don't want to end up back in the hospital, especially in CA with my family in NJ. I feel a little hopeless and I am definitely concerned about the rest of my life. 36 yrs old longest relationship 3 yrs, longest job - 1 1/2 yrs. At this point, it is quite clear to any prospective employer that I have a problem. No one wants to hire someone who is not going to stick around. Not sticking around anywhere is a gaint red flag - mentally unstable. Then add no wife or kids, yea, I would not hire me.

I guess I was just wondering if anyone can relate or help me understand this any of this.
Oh, by the way, I have not had any weed or beer for a week and I have not slept in 5 days.
Thank you for your time.
Sincerely,
Ken

Good for you, the beggining is the worst and im sorry but weed is mentally addictive after a bit. I am recovering too 2 years clean well with perks and blow! I dont like drinking, but I am trying to not smoke pot also. Oh and from what u said, it does sound like bi polar. I read about all neuro issues it just interests me. The reason you dont feel down, is cuz you can stay up or in mania or even normal for months. Im not a dr at all, the symptoms just match. You will be fine, just get on the right meds and keep busy, that helps me even tho there are days i wont get up to eat, i take atvantage of the better ones. hope you feel better asap

[VickiesPath]

I know about weed. I was rolling and smoking before you were born, Pink. I also drank to excess for many years. This was when I was undiagnosed. My first diagnosis was major depression. I was put on antidepressants. They helped. Man, I felt better. But then, I felt really, really better. Then suddently, I took a nose dive and the antidepressants didn't work anymore. They changed to another antidepressant. This cycle repeated for twenty years. Somehow I managed to work as a government investigator for all that time as long as I had alcohol to bring me down from those highs when necessary.

Then, four years ago, I was correctly diagnosed as bipolar. The medications I was put on changed my life. After some research and study, I determined that I had probably been bipolar all my life. Everything started to make sense. I mean, EVERYTHING.

Today, taking the meds make my life manageable. I can depend on being able to do things a couple months ahead of time. No more mood swings. The meds require occasional tweaks but are pretty much ok.

The reason I told you to steer clear of the street stuff is so that they can get a clear diagnosis on you and that your blood and urine won't come up dirty.

I wish you luck.

[thinker22]

So many thoughts about these subjects, but not sure I can say it as well as everyone else has. I have a theory about alcohol vs. pot use, but it's not important. I fall into the former category and I don't like the effects on me of the latter. I had about 4 years where I abused alcohol, but now I'm down to about 1/2 a beer or 1/2 a glass of wine per night. I didn't have any last night. One day sober.

Anyway, I think many of us go through stages of saying, "I'm fine, I don't need meds, these substances make me feel better and are less dangerous than the man-made chemicals." In fact, my mom and some of my other friends tell me to dump the meds and go on natural supplements. I already take supplements and they did nothing for my extreme depression or scrape me off the ceiling insomnia energy. If I stopped my meds, my only source of mood control would be alcohol and I did that because I was in a mostly manic period for those 4 years. I just got dx'd a few months ago so I'm starting to re-evaluate my childhood and "episodes" rather than just feeling bad (depressed) most of the time, with a few times of being the creative happy energetic me...who I thought was the real me. Neither are the real me and both are parts of the real me. Not to offend anyone who also has bipolar or has DID, but it's almost as if your personality splits into two halves, one is extroverted, happy, energetic, feels invincible or even aggressive and impulsive, does complicated projects; the other half is introverted, sad, sleeps all the time, feels like a loser, thinks life is pointless, has no motivation or focus to read or accomplish anything. That has been my experience anyway.

I'd recommend, since you've read the bipolar description on this site and have taken the quiz, that you go through your history (I know, I hate looking back too, but it can be enlightening) and see if you might not have had days or weeks of being super energetic, getting in trouble at school for not being able to sit still, not needing sleep, etc., followed by days or weeks of depression and inertia. I think ADHD is a possibility, but it does look an awful lot like the manic part of bipolar and if you have spells of depression, you can dump the other dx since bipolar covers both.

I've been manic for over 3 weeks and I fidget and bounce all day, can't sit still, am jumping back and forth between a half dozen projects, wake up super early, go to bed late, can't get decent sleep without benzos I was prescribed, and even then 6 hours tops, sometimes only 4 and broken. But I'll go to sleep and 30 mins later I'm wide awake feeling ready for the next day. Weird. My mom used to say that too. Just close your eyes and lie still and you'll fall asleep. NOT! Never worked for me. I'd get up and go back to bouncing around the house. As a kid I was either super depressed, listless with a vacant gaze or else hyper, joking and getting into trouble (sent to the corner because I couldn't sit still or concentrate). Today, I realize, they would have labeled me ADD or ADHD. But I had enough depressed calm spells that they never sent me to a doc. I think that AD(H)D can be signs of a person who will one day fully develop into Bipolar I or II. There are stages on the spectrum of these mood or behavior disorders. I've read that ADD or cyclothymics often develop as the disease worsens into Bipolar II or I. So, there's another option. You might have just been ADHD as a kid, but now it's bipolar. Or maybe you were cyclothymic with ADHD and now you're bipolar. Not trying to diagnose you. I'm not a doctor or a therapist. And don't want to be either. Then I'd have to deal with people like me.

Hang in there. I think you're on the right path because you're asking questions. That's how I started. And it's been a long climb. It has been worse some times than before I sought treatment, but overall, I'm gaining more feet in elevation than I've lost since this process started.

Keep searching. We'll be around.