[weathered]

I dont know where to start, or even if I want to.When I was 18 I was diagnosed with bi0polar disorder. It was a very very bad expirence, obviously. I would give almost anything not to return to that feeling. I stopped my treatment shortly after because I couldn't stand the blood draws and the lithium anymore. So I have carried this for 10 years, the only way I have been able to get by was to avoid or ingnore stress. But now I married with two children. I am a stay at home dad, go to school in the evening, and work part time after school. So needless to say that I can nolonger hide from stress, I feel as if I'm crawling out of my skin. I am horribly absent minded, and extremly irritable. I dont want to admit that i have some problem, I dont want anybody to know that I have a problem. It makes me feel so weak. denial can only carry someone so far though. My wife suggested that I might have ADD, I agree just to apease her, but I think its much more.I have more than one train of thought constanly running through my mind. One is very dispariging, another passive and the last one tells me to stop listening to them. Oh my god, i'm really typing this. I dont know what to do anymore. I've turned into a depressive ball of anger. I just want it to go away. What I'm basiclly looking for is for someone to tell me that getting help is not a sign of waekness and what kind of treatment I should seek. Each day it builds more and more. I find myself not caring about things that atleast my wife feels that I should see as important or thing that happen to her, that i tend to cause. Then when see gets mad about it I simply do not care. I feel a little bad but more times than not I dont care. I just want her to go away. I am so confused I dont want to have a problem. I feel so battered like a little boat in a hurricane.

[TgrsPurr]

Hello weathered and welcome to bp forum. I believe this is your first time here, so I just want to say, I'm glad you posted.

Okay, now down to business. First, the fact that you know you have a problem and that it is bp, you're already half way there. Good for you.
Second, getting help is absolutely no sign of weakness whatsoever. It shows great strength of character and that you DO care more than you're giving yourself credit for. You speak tenderly of your wife, and the fact that you can express your feelings of "I don't care" is indicative of the very fact that you DO care, otherwise you never would've brought it up. I do, however believe that you are emotionally overwhelmed, as bp's get and that you just go into shut down mode. It's a little thing called "self-preservation". You are trying to look and take on everything all at once, this is a mistake. Just take it one thing at a time. The first being, go to a pdoc and get medical attn. You don't have to be on lithium and all that goes along with it. There are a great many bp drugs out there with a lot less hassle. If you feel pdoc is not listening to you, find another that will.

Getting chemical assitance can be vital to someone with bp. Otherwise, you enter onto paths that are highly self-destructive and ruin every relationship you have. Bp is a progressive illness, so the fact that you've left it unchecked for the past 10 years and are now realizing you need help, reveals the truth of that statement.

The anger, irritability, frustration, racing thoughts and multiple thoughts at once are all symptoms of bp. It's important you find out what type of bp you have. Tracking your moods on a daily basis will reveal that information.
Are you in therapy? This is also an excellent tool for coping with your illness. There are an awful lot of psychological issues that go hand in hand with this chemical imbalance. Many times, meds are not enough to resolve all that need resolving. This is where a lot of confusion comes in for you.

What I really want to tell you is that you MUST deal with the physical aspect of your illness before you can deal with everything else. You need to take care of you right now, your relationship issues cannot be resolved until you get that under control. Can you love yourself enough to get the help you need? And if not, can you love your wife enough to get the help you need? And if not, can you love your children enough to get the help you need?
It's time to prioritize to the best of your ability and with the help of qualified professionals. Getting help for your bp illness is no different than getting help for diabetes or cancer or heart problems. Would you think it a sign of weakness if your wife had one of these problems and sought medical attn for it? This is no different.

I'll be here for you to support you and encourage you. I've been dealing with my bp illness for over 20 years now, diagnosed about 8-9 years ago. I kept searching until I found what works for me. What works for me will not be the same as what works for you. Just Please, don't give up. It's worth the fight to get the help you need.
Thinking of you! TgrsPurr, xo

[weathered]

Thank you very much for reponding, it actually brought o tear to my eye. How do I go about getting help, I dont have any kind of insurance and even less money. Once again thank you

[NLITEN]

Hello & Welcome. I am new to the forum too. In fact I am new too BP. I have had it for a long while, but was very resistant to accepting that I might actually have it. I used to have VERY negative connotation of BP from someone in my past whom I know had it. Plus I viewed people with mental illness as using them as an excuse not to deal with their problems (don't hate me everyone: After all I KNOW better now). So I understand what you mean when you feel like admitting and getting help SEEMS like a weekness. But with the addition of stress, like you said, there is no minimizing the effects and hence the need for help or treatment. It is NOT a weakness to do this!!!Especially if you are, as you say, a father and a husband. That means you have a responsibility to these people to try to be the best father and husband you can be, and you can't necessarily do that if you are hiding from a serious problem you have. I mean the good news is that there are things you can do to help with it, there are some treatments...
I think the fact that you sought out help on this forum is a sign of strength. We are all only human and all have our strengths and weaknesses. I it a strength to know and admit you weaknesses : so no shame, do what you got to do and know you'll get tons of support here to help you along the way.

[TgrsPurr]

Hmmm, how to get help. Okay, their are community health centers that work on a sliding fee scale. Some places you can get tx for free. Doctors always have sample medicine packs that they can pass along to you, my doctors have always done that for me when money was tight. You may have to do a little hunting around for a place like this, but I assure you, they are out there. Can you tell me what area you're in? I'll do my best to look into too for you. One thing I've found is that they are always willing to give more of their low fee or free services to those with children. I don't have children and still get all the help I need.
Try calling the local hospital and ask them if they can point you in the right direction. Use the phonebook and just keep calling all the Psych doctors listed, even if they don't offer that kind of help, they usually know who can. What about Medicaid? Is that a possibility for you? Even GP's can diagnose and medicate and have samples of the kinds of meds you need.

Hope this helps. Let me know what I can do weathered. We really are here for you to support and encourage you. Let me know what you find out okay!
TgrsPurr, xo.

I'm editing this post to tell you that I know you must feeling quite vulnerable right about now. You've shared a lot of very personal things with us, this is very good. We, in no way, would take advantage of that. You deserve a big congratulations for putting yourself out there like this. I commend you and appreciate you.

Dear Weathered: I'm Pat and I was diagnosed, after years and years of frustration, BP in February of this year. You don't have to do lithium now. There are tons of good drugs available and a good psych doc will tweak them til she gets it right for you. I take depakote and lamictal. All my drugs are free. I went to the local mental health facility and it worked beautifully. My income is so low that I qualified for the drugs that the big companies give to the mental health clinics....
Going to this clinic was a huge leap of faith for me and an incredible show of strength.....it embarrassed me and I felt very vulnerable when I took that step. I couldn't do anything better for myself than I did that day. To admit that I was suicidal and then to seek the help was really, really hard. BUT I did it!!! You can do it and especially if you love your family! You have to look out for your wife and your children. Drop that stuff about the weakness and put your mind around how hard this has all been for them..and they are still with you! How very strong they've had to be to live with the ups and downs and various moods that only BP sufferers know about. Please keep us posted..xoxo Pat

[weathered]

Thank you everyone, I live in southeast Nebraska. I have realized today how automatic my supression has become. I was rading over your posts, when my wife came home from work. Before she arrvied I felt very jittery about this whole situation, especially after admitting to myself that there is a problem. But as soon as she walked in the door, I snaped right into my everything is fine act. It was istantanous. I've been hiding this for so long that I dont know if I will be belived, I guess that I should trust her, but as you all know its hard. Does anyone have a suggestion or stories about how they told there significant other. I dont really know whrer to start. I have spent so many years driving these feeling down deeper and deeper until I dont know if I can release them.

print this entire thread off and tell her that you're having trouble with talking about it, but here's what you found out today...that you've come to this site and found support and people who are going through what you're experiencing.....how does that sound? OU rules!!!!!!!!!

[darkeyes]

Hi there,
Welcome to the forum. You are under stress, which is a trigger, some stress is good for all of us, under too much can derail us bipolars, seeking professional help is NOT a sign of weakness, taking our medications is NOT a sign of weakness. By doing these things is a sign we accept and take responsibilities. I was on Lithobid, blood tests aren't that bad, I got to going every 3 months, etc.
My oldest brother was DXed with bipolar-I back in the early 60's, he's been on Lithium for over 30 years, takes daily maintainence (sp?) 3 times a day, is at a point his doc has his bloodwork done only once a year, so that is a sign to me that once a balance has been made, over time the blood tests are done further apart.
I urge you to see a pdoc and start some treatment plan, I know by denying ourselves of help, we just foul things up for ourselves and loved ones, and today that can be avoided.
Life is too short to subject yourself to needless suffering.
I like my brother, take meds., have accepted the fact it will be for life (hey, diabetics need insulin) and if that is what we need to do to have stability, it is worth it.
Your wife thinks you may have ADD? I have been Dxed with Bipolar-II (mild) and ADD (mild), people can have more than one disorder, and so many are very treatable, providing the patient works with their pdoc and remains compliant.
I don't know if I am making any sense here.
Just want you to know, that I am not "green" to bipolar, in fact it's in my genes, had ancestors with it before anyone knew about this stuff. It is nothing one should ever be ashamed of. The only shame there is that people are afraid to get treatment, therapy and/or meds. that really can help them, and then unecessarily suffer from it.
I urge anyone, don't give up on treatment, stay committed to a program, follow it, be honest to yourself and pdoc, last, never deny yourself from help.
Often when this disorder is untreated and one is approaching mania or in an episode, we can feel terrific, even feeling we can stop meds, don't need them, but we know this is not true down the road.
Please anyone reading this, don't play pdoc with yourself, follow treatment, and always feel free to question your pdoc when you feel uncertain about things.
I wish you lots of luck, strength, determination, hope, with this. Feel free to come to the forum(s) anytime

Sincerely,

DE

PS
I see someone here has told you, you do not have to use just lithium, there are several good alternative, mood stabilizers today. Talk that over too, with your pdoc. he or she will tell you what options you have and start you on a new one. Don't give up, things will work out, just may take a little time.

[dogtanian]

hey weathered - i think the idea to show your wife this page is a good one. before i was diagnosed i was having a horrible time and it got to a point i had to do something but i couldn't tell my parents so i wrote them a letter - they were straight on the case. sometimes it's easier to express things non-verbally, it means you can get things across without panic, interruption, and setting things out clearly.

i think it's true that admitting all is not well is a good step and the most important one - once you admit these things to yourself they become beyond ignoring, and therefore something to deal with, and getting them dealt with is so important. getting help is important, no one could ever be expected to carry all the horrible things in their head alone - doctors and friends are there for that reason.

i hope you get through this, keep talking on here (it's helpful!) and good luck xx

[darkeyes]

Good idea, dog That has helped me a lot when I just can't verbalize, maybe too embarrased, or not ready for what kind of facial cues I'd get. Also letter writing is good for both, the writer gets more mental time to put down their feelings without interruption, the reader gets the time to read, and hopefully digest the whole thing, and they can go back and re-read it, if it hadn't sunk in yet.
Just my 2 cents. Hope things are going alright.

[weathered]

Well I told my mom about what I was feeling. It was difficult at first, I'm a very tight lipped person, but I figured its my mother if I can't tell her than who could I tell? She agreed with me and told me that she has been worried about me for while. I of course told her not to, but you know how they are. I hope I did not offend people when I was talking about it being a weakness, keep in mind that this is coming from someone who tries to hide having a cold from people, let alone bipolar diorder

please print this out and let your wife read it. i think you'll be surprised at her response. pat

[TgrsPurr]

Yes, Yes, Yes, I agree that you should print this out for your wife and anyone else of signifigance. I believe that by doing this you'll open up the communication channels and you can finally take down that barrier you've blockaded yourself behind. The truth sets you free. TgrsPurr, xo.

[weathered]

I am going to tell my wife that I'm going to look into me possibly having adult ADD. Which is the truth, my short term memory and the way I squrim in my seat at school are concerning. At that point the bipolar thing will inevitably be brought up. Then its not me just bring up something that happened 10 or so years ago, it will be more recent and more, for lack of a better term, believable

well, what ever you do.....do it soon. so you can get relief. there's nothing to be afraid of. BP is just that. BP...good luck and let us know how it goes. pat

[NLITEN]

It's been my experience that when people know what it is and that you have it they are relieved. Once I told my mom, she felt relieved that it wasn't something she had done nor was it that I was simply an inconsiderate and mean person. She began to understand how little control I had and it explained SO MANY THINGS. Clarity can only help.
And i can relate to your automatic response, 'nothing is wrong'. I was conditioned as a kid to answer that questons "How are you?" with the programmed answer of "fine", regardless of how I really was. So when I was really in trouble and began asking for help I had a huge communication barrier to overcome. I would go to see someone and tell them that I wasn't Ok and they weren't hearing me. They didn't realize that when I say I am not OK, I am REALLY not Ok. So I understand how hard it can be. But you are defo on the right track, knowing yourself well enough to know you need to get yourself under control and realizing that we can't always do that by ourselves. You should be proud of yourself. And btw, people love to be needed, so don't deny your wife the opportunity to help you when you need it. That's marriage for you : helping pull each other through. Good luck, let us know how it goes, and continue to post, you are mirroring a lot of other peoples experiences and thoughts here, and its therapuetic in itself.
lol
-Val

[weathered]

I called my local county mental health center, and I've decide to go another route. The supposed counciler was very dissmisive, "everyone but Tony Robbins could have a better state of mind". i need someone patient enough for me to take my time and search out the exact words needed to describe myself. This is going to be very touch and go for awhile. I find it very hard to get comfortable enough to discuss the weather with people that I don't know, let alone my feelings. I am going to get my medical report from 1993 today cant wait to read what my doctors at the time thought of me.

[(JD)]

Sorry you are feeling battered about PS I'm not real fond of Tony Robbins, and worry about when he sinks if he'll be able to handle it as well as members here on this site!)

You're doing really well posting here, weathered, keep up the good work!