[veggy]

i'm just trying to get some input on this because i've been so upset over it lately..

this is going to be kind of a long story but i don't know where to turn anymore... i don't know if he's bipolar, but people seem to think he is, and i don't know what to do because he won't get help. anyway... here we go...

so, i fell in love with this guy (online, then we met) and he's in the marines. when he's his normal self he's extremely sweet and funny. every two months he snaps. there is never really anything that causes it.. sometimes he starts making all these crazy plans.. like he started asking me to marry him and telling me to look at rings and was insisting we were going to get married in a few weeks because he had requested leave to come visit me for my birthday. when they denied his leave he started getting quiet, then one day he snapped. he said he was done with me. then he got to the point where he was telling me to kill myself and send him pictures, and that he thought i was a joke and he would never speak to me ever again. i knew he didn't mean any of it, so i just kept telling him i loved him. then he heard a song that made him calm down and he agreed to call, and after we talked for a little bit he calmed down and apologized. then he was back to his normal self..


then i went to visit him and we had an amazing time.. we went to the ball together, and he took me home to his family. i know he loved me. he did little things like.. i caught him taking pictures of me playing in the ocean, and then when i walked up to him to get my shoes, he surprised me with a bunch of seashells he had been collecting for me. after i got back home i asked him what he wanted and he said he wanted me to move in with him, and i asked if he was sure and he said he was.. so we began planning and saving. i had a lot of bad things going on here that i didn't tell him about because he had enough stress with his job, so i just asked him if i found a job there if i could move sooner. he said "of course girl" and i said if that was too soon i was completely okay with him saying no, and he just said he wanted me there. he would even text me baby names even though that was going to be a long way off. i remember distinctly him saying he "loved me more than he ever thought he could love another person" but then he got in trouble at work because he got drunk and threatened someone. so he couldn't leave base, wear his own clothes, drive or drink alcohol and he had to work extra duty and check in every 2 hours. he was missing thanksgiving too which he missed last year due to being in iraq. so i just texted him on thanksgiving and asked him if his friends brought him dinner. next thing i knew he said he was done with me. a couple days later he calmed down and told me he was just so stressed and that he loved me. the next day he had to leave for 2 weeks of training and found out he was getting deployed. when he got home he refused to speak to me. he ended our relationship and when i asked why he said "because" and then cut me out of his life. i didn't handle that and the other stress here well and i overdosed, i just wanted to be numb for a while but i ended up in the hospital. i had asked my mother to tell him i was okay. i found out when i got out of the hospital that she had told him it was all his fault and if he didn't block me from his life i'd die. so he did block me. he also smashed his phone the night i was in the hospital although he claims it was unrelated. i tried to explain to him when i got out of the hospital what really happened, but he totally ignored me.. this was around christmas. i have sent him messages on the forum we met on from time to time just asking him to call me so we can talk about things so i can at least have some closure, but he just deletes them and pretends i don't exist. i tried calling him for the first time this month yesterday, but he didn't answer, and i was upset so i just cried and left him voicemail. i wasn't even certain he had gotten himself a new phone yet. then he added me on facebook, told me he was going to change his number and then said "**** you" and deleted me. and he is just angry and hates me now and i can't get him to calm down. i have not fought with him or anything, i've just asked him to talk because it made no sense to go from asking someone to live with you and saying you want to marry them to cutting them out of your life without cause. he had started to calm down like he has every time he snaps... this being the third time he snapped at me, when he was telling me he was just stressed and he loves me. then he got more stressed and snapped again after he found out about deployment.


i don't really know what to do or how i can possibly calm him down. i don't know if he's bipolar, but i had to talk about him to doctors when i was in the hospital and they seemed to think he might be. he refuses to get help though. he told me the marines think he's psychotic and were going to kick him out, but he could have been lying. i just have this awful feeling in my gut that i'd be abandoning him when he needs me the most. his grandma told me he will ignore her for a week or two every once in a while (my guess would be every two months...) and then he'd start talking to her again, and she is the person he loves the most.. and he said i was "ma level" as in he loves me as much as he loves her, but in a different way, obviously. maybe he snapped at me because i pushed him to talk when he started getting quiet. he said i was the only person he talked to every day.. so then now i end up the person he takes it out on because nobody can notice because i'm not there.

does he seem bipolar? i wish i could just get him to calm down. when he would call before when he got like this, even his voice changed. and he'll try to say awful things to make me hate him, but i can always tell when he's lying and i just prove that he's lying and he stops talking again every time.


i've tried to just let go and move on, but i honestly can't. my gut is just screaming at me that it is the wrong thing to do.

[BNLsMOM]

We can't diagnose on this forum, but it sure sounds like he needs some therapy. You might want to seek some help too to get through this.

Now, this is just my opinion, but personally, I would not want to be with this person. It sounds like an abusive relationship. He may not mean it, he may have an illness, but he has put you through a lot.

Your best bet would be to seek a therapist who can help you sort through things so that you can make a decision that will work in your best interest.

Good luck.

[VickiesPath]

Hi Veggy,

Yes, it's true that we cannot diagnose on this website. But let me ask you a question. Try and put your emotions aside and look at your bf's behavior. Does any of it look stable, sensible, trustworthy, consistent or safe? Would you advise a gf of yours to stay with a guy like this?

I would say there is definitely something going on wth him if not several somethings. And like BNLsMOM said, you could probably use some advice (counseling) on how best to deal with this guy. I would suggest you see someone and don't tell him about it. I get this gut feeling that he might also have a possible explosive component to his personality.

It might be possible, with your counselor's help, to slow the relationship down long enough for him to get himself into a situation where he is forced into a medical evaluation and they find out what is going on with him. Then you will know for sure what exactly is happening.

I can also tell you from experience that there is always, in any relationship, the possibility, that the man can become aggressive and that's not a good situation to be in. So be aware of that. Of course, it might be a part of a mental illness.

I hope some of this has helped. Best of luck.

[Nudyinae]

It would be very hard for me to continue in the relationship you are in too.

Like BNLsMOM said, you may want to talk to a therapist so you can sort things out for you... and then make what would be the best decision for your life.

[veggy]

thank you guys. i was talking to someone and, although i know we can't diagnose.. they told me he seems to have borderline personality disorder. he has basically all of the symptoms, the main one being sudden swings from love to hate in relationships.

i have been seeing someone, and basically they just want me on sleeping meds and anxiety meds. he and i are broke up now, but i am trying to be with him again if i can get him to calm down. i've weighed the pros and cons of it all, and i truly believe if he can get help, things would be fantastic. his good side is amazing, and i really do want to marry the guy.

i've been talking to his family about maybe doing some sort of intervention because he will not get himself help. the ones he is closest to seem to just think he's hopeless and not worth the effort, but i've found some of his cousins that are going to see if there is anything that can be done.

i thought maybe if they got a doctor over to the house and a bunch of his family together, they could get him to talk or at least talk to the doctor with him there so he could see that there is something wrong. i'm hoping i get to be there, but i don't know if that would set him off even more.

[MyDogMiles]

Veggy, I'm sorry for the stress, pain and emotional chaos you're experiencing. Though only a doctor who sees him in person can diagnose him, based on my personal experience he either has a mood disorder or an addiction problem or both (could be self-medicating with alcohol or drugs.) Either way he sounds like a danger to himself and to anyone who is close to him. It sounds as though you need counseling to cope with ending this relationship and moving on to a healthier relationship. Unfortunately you can't help him if he is unwilling to get help himself. You can suggest, as a friend, that he seek help but based on my experience, men are resistant to psychiatric help unless they are forced to through a job or in a crisis.
As someone who has been involved with men with mood disorders and substance abuse issues, please get help for yourself and move on. You'll be saving yourself years of abuse, pain and an emotional roller coaster.

[veggy]

i really don't want to be with anybody else. when he's his normal self, we are so happy together and i truly do want to stay with him.

[NuckingFutz]

Veggie, clearly he's showing 2 sides to himself. You like his normal self. In order to stay with him, you will need to be able to deal with both sides. You do not get to pick and choose. He is off balance and out of control. For your sake, I would let this one go. I like what Vicky had to say about this.

[veggy]

i can deal with both sides of him. it has just been so hard to calm him down since he found out about being deployed. when he gets like this for a day or two, it's not so bad because i can stick that out. the first time it was horrible because i didn't understand what was going on, but now i do.

[Ascension]

I think one thing that may not have been mentioned yet, and again no diagnosis from me here, just a suggestion to think about, is PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). He is a Marine and has been in Iraq, if I read correctly. I don't know his whole history and don't know how long he has been this way so it's hard to say he has anything like Bipolar Disorder or Borderline Personality Disorder. In any event, he does not sound like he is not in a place to give you what you need at this time. It's good that he has someone that cares for him so much but please don't trust your inner self or put all you energy into being with this person at this point. Put you energy into trying to get him to see he may need help. I, suffering from a mood disorder myself, know how hard it is to be around someone as unbalanced as I can get and I also know how unreasonable I can be. Please post back if you need to talk or we can offer any advice. Good luck and be safe.

[veggy]

i think you're right that he may have PTSD, and i tried talking to someone at a marines help chat, and she pretty much said get over him and leave him to deal with it alone. his family has been really sweet, they just tell me to hold on and keep positive, and say i am part of the family no matter what happens with him. i'm just trying to get him to call me. he always calms down when we talk on the phone, but the night i overdosed he smashed his phone so i couldn't call him right away. now he has a phone but he refuses to speak to me. if i could get him to go back to normal with me i would have a decent chance of getting him to talk about things and maybe getting help.

[Ascension]

If I were in your place, I would probably let him know that I am am there for him and give him a little space. If you are concerned for him check in with other people that have contact with him and that way you can get updates if they are available. While waiting for him to decide what he wants to do with that I would talk to someone about my anxiety and maybe get some help in processing and dealing with the fact I have someone whom I care deeply for behaving in destructive behavior. If I wanted to make it work I would try to put myself in a better place to be prepared for the pushing and pulling that seems to be happening here. I hope you get some peace in all of this.

[veggy]

i did give him space... i hadn't really talked to him much at all (well, attempted to talk to him) in a few weeks. it seems like the more i try, the more likely he is to respond. i even feel better if he says something mean because at least he's talking to me then and that has always been a step forward. i am making a new appointment this week for new anxiety meds and insomnia meds. i wish they'd just give me ativan and a sleeping pill :-/ and i guess yeah i will see a counselor too. i had an appointment to see one but i got too anxious at the idea because the meds they gave me didn't work so i didn't go to it and i never rescheduled with the doctor or counselor.

[Ascension]

I am glad you taking care of your side of things. I really do hope the best for both of you. I think you are doing the right thing if this is what you want. You know him better then any of us. Just be safe so you can be there for him if it works out that way.

[veggy]

thank you. i really hope i get to be with him and things can get better for him and me.

In my opinion, you two are not good for each other. If I were you, I'd steer clear of him. The turmoil in this relationship is not good for either one of you. You ended up overdosing and in the hospital. That is NOT good for you.

My son was in a similar situation with a girlfriend. He ended up in the hospital several times. He finally saw the light and distanced himself from the girl. He has been much more stable and happy since then.

[lonegael]

Borderline syndrome, esp. in males, and bipolar can be very hard to differentate, and, if he has started doing this later in life, I agree with Acension that PTDS needs to be considered. What concerns me is that you have a relationship with an unstable man with combat experience who will not admt he has a problem. Those i know, relatives and firends, who have been in the marines or in other branches of service and have come home with similar work history, deliberately avoid situations where violence might break out; bars on weekends, rowdy groups of people, teenagers on a wild night out, just because they know how easy it is for training to take over and that they might hurt someone. Right now, he has been sending you this stuff from a distance. what might happen if he has one of his episodes face to face with you? Will you be able to handle that? tThat time he was telling you to hurt your self and send pictures was very worrisome to me.
You are actually a person of great worthm, with or without him. You can't save him unless he's willing to work with you, it doens't sound as if he is. From someone who has had to learn the lesson tha hard way, please, value yourself enough to get out. It's harsh, but the harshness is born from a stranger's real concern. HUGGSSS, and let us know how it goes.

[veggy]

i truly do not believe he would ever hit someone, especially not me. i think the reason he has to pretend i don't exist right now is because when he calls me or sees me, he can't keep up this act. he goes back to normal and starts apologizes when he hears me tell him how much i love him. he started to get a little bit like this when i was there with him, and i just climbed on him and started bugging him and he started laughing and went back to normal. he says awful things, but he has never hit anyone and i don't think he would.

But what he is doing is really very emotionally abusive to you. Don't you see that? He is not good for you.

[veggy]

i do see it. i do. i just also think he can't seem to control it.. and the more i understand that there is something wrong with him, the less it hurts when he does it. the last awful thing he said to me was saying he left me because i was too fat for him. i didn't even believe him for a second and just pointed out how i knew he was lying and i hope he feels better soon. i know i shouldn't have to deal with things like that, but i have decided i want to be with him if we can work things out. i love him too much to just walk away.

[Goldylocks]

I think you should definitely give what Ascension said some thought. PTSD is a very common disorder to those bravely serving our country. I would offer him just friendship at this crossing in your lives. Maybe it will turn into something more but right now it sounds like moving in or getting married is too much for him. The greatest gift you can offer is friendship to someone.

[veggy]

the thing is, moving in was his idea. i just asked him what he wanted because he had been saying he wanted to see me for christmas, and then he said "move here" and i said "are you absolutely sure?" and he said he was, and then he started telling me his financial information for rent and how he was going to start saving. i let him know if that was too much stress we could just forget about it for now because i was more than happy with phone calls whenever he wasn't working until i could see him again. i can't even get him to agree to call me or just tell me what's going on. that's all i'm asking from him right now - a phone call. he won't even reply when i ask him how he has been. he just gets really, really angry. the last thing he said to me before he started randomly hating me was "i love you, i am just so stressed right now, but i love you very much" it's just weird.

but yeah.. all i've been asking of him is to call when he's not busy.. and i've started texting him each morning to say i hope he has a good day and then i say goodnight to him and that i love him.

[Yoda]

Originally Posted by veggy

i just also think he can't seem to control it.. and the more i understand that there is something wrong with him, the less it hurts when he does it

Does it really matter WHY he is mean to you? It could be mental illness, alcohol, meth, abuse he suffered as a child, ...

If you believe he cannot control his behavior now what hope do you have for a future relationship with him? How would you feel if you and he had children and he treated them the same way he treats you now?

I was in love with a Jekyll and Hyde. The good was wonderful. The bad was horrific. You want them to be the good person you know they can be and stop being the angry person that upsets you.

You cannot control his thoughts and behaviors. You cannot change him. You can only change yourself.

I am sure this is not what you want to read. You want to know how to get him to return to the man you fell in love with. I have been there. It did not work out for me.

[veggy]

i feel in my gut that he will go back to normal one day. i don't know if that means we'll be together or not, but i have hope.

i believe one day he'll be willing to get help. i don't know when that will be, but he has had his moments where he has told me he needs help. i know i can't make him get help.. i wish i could, but i can't.

i think knowing why he gets like that makes it hurt less and makes it easier to wait for when he is willing to get help. i know it probably doesn't sound like a good idea to continue to deal with that sort of behavior, but i love him so much i'm willing to do it. i'm trying to get medication for my anxiety so it won't be a problem either.

[Yoda]

For his sake and those around him I hope he does decide to seek help before he explodes.

For your sake I hope you will give him lots of space until/if he does get help. You can't love him well.