[missmoonshine]

I have five days off from work now so a break is good. I have been so tired and weary its not funny. All the meds I am on are taking my whole being away its like all thats left is an empty shell I have no life left really. People think I am doing good yep, I,m definitely calm and decreased racing thoughts and no shakes however I feel dead. So I have taken matters into my own hands once again, and stopped most my meds. I have stopped the effexor, epilim and quetiapine today is number 4. And no the withdrawal symptoms are not nice but anyway its my choice. I have brain shocks massive headache and bit wobbly on my feet though this is getting better. I am still taking the newly prescribed anti-depressant mertazipine and risperidone if I feel like it.
It may all backfire and kick me in the butt but for my loss there is nothing to lose its already gone. And no I am not suicidal I am actually feeling a lot more than I,ve felt in ages!! I am interested in the odd thing Its a nice humbling feeling really
I saw my counsellor the other day (she is private nothing to do with psych services thank god!!!)
I was telling her how I hate the meds that they have taking 'me' away and shes like well "they cant force them down your throat now can they" and no they can not. If I get unwell agai n I will take them but I cant do it for ever no way. I cant believe I have been under the care of the psych people for 7 months now-scary AND they are still altering my meds.
If I am doing ok with out the meds I am going to keep my psych appt for Wednesday and will first put it to the psych "what wouldyou say if I stopped my meds" Then I will tell her or not tell her depending on the answer In get. Really if I feel alive again for me that is better than feeling dead. Any advice anyone??

I am actually a bit scared of telling them what I have done, but am sure someone out there must understand what its like feeling like a shell of their former self

[perpetuallysad]

It sucks to feel dependent on meds. I hate it some times. But I have quit cold turkey myself twice in the past 6 years (that's how long I've been seeking help) and both times were terrible. I felt happy about it at first, but then things spiraled out of control in a terrible way both times. I mean like hospitalization bad (though I've never been able to go to the hosp as I don't have insurance and cannot afford it out of pocket). I know it is hard, but really 7 months of med changes isn't abnormal. I'm on my 6th year of meds and I'm still going through changes.

But I do understand. The only thing I would suggest is to go off the meds with the supervision of your pdoc. I guarantee you will feel way better that way and its safer.

[Ascension]

The biggest problem I and many persons with Bipolar Disorder have is we are emotional addicts. As much as they hurt or scare or empower us we get accustomed to the degree of emotional intensity that we experience being Bipolar. The meds numb the emotions enough so we can have more control over them, but that means the emotions we are so used to feeling are minimized and that feels like numbness. We have to learn to live in an "alien" world of muted and washed out emotions. I have come off of my meds numerous times over the last 8 years or so and have learned that I am better off on them then not. Living like Howard Hughes in a room all by myself storing old bottles with urine and feces so I don't have to leave my room and losing 20-30 pounds in a month is not nearly as pleasant a way to live as feeling muted. I wish there were a grey area but if there is one I don't know where it is. I am far from perfect on medicine but I'm better. It's a choice we all have to come to. Ultimately I just hope you are safe.

[beautifuldisaster78]

Just be careful. Make sure that there are some people you can trust that know you are not taking them right now, and can keep an eye on you. Feeling the emotional intensity can be good... but it can also lead to whatever led you to start taking the meds in the first place, only worse!

I'd advise seeing your doc too... just tell him your feelings and that you want off some of the medicine to start tapering it down. He can help you do it slowly and safely.

Working in the psych hospital, I have to say that about 85% of the patients we get in, are there because they quit their meds on their own and became dangerously unstable.

[missmoonshine]

Thanks for the advice I know its early days but I have to do this and on my own there are too many people who dont understand and think I'm better, my husband now thinks I have started back on them but I cant do it, I just cant.
I feel like I am up against too many people who see me as 'bipolar' someone who 'cant be trusted' I know there are too many so called normal people who think they care yet they dont. My ****ing support person the other day broke that trust by asking me if I would ever harm anyone- the only person I would harm would only ever be me, then the cow agreed with me when I said 'I am ****ed in the head' then tried retracting her words stupid cow! Trust never gained yet forever broken

[perpetuallysad]

missmoonshine, I'm really sorry you have such a crappy support base. And the idea of your friend telling you that you are ****ed in the head is just so cruel! Its not like we already don't feel screwed up, why on earth would someone who's supposed to be helping you say such a hurtful thing?

I know right now that you feel alone, I promise I can truly sympathize with that feeling. I feel alone when I'm sitting in the same room with my husband and son, so I really get that. The thing is though, you really deserve medical treatment. Its not a sign of weakness. Sadly, your family is not understanding, but that doesn't mean you should suffer more in an attempt to fit into whatever mold they have cut out for you.

If its not too personal, would you like to talk about what you have done that would make them think you "can't be trusted"? (You can even pm me if you'd rather, instead of saying it out here.) How many people know you are bipolar? Have they any real idea what it means to suffer from this illness? Do you think they would be willing to try to learn about it, to see things more clearly. Most often people are far more judgmental when they are ignorant about a situation and tend to be more empathetic once they have learned more about it.

I can't tell you not to stop, but I can say from my own experience that you are heading down a dangerous road. You may feel fine today and tomorrow, but eventually (and probably not to long from now) your husband's going to notice a change in your behavior and he's going to know you aren't taking your meds and I think that you will notice a change in your behavior for the worse as well. I know you have to care for your family, but if you don't first take care of yourself, you aren't going to be any good to them anyway. Really consider talking to your doctor, this isn't something you should go alone.

[missmoonshine]

Perpetuallysad, I must have confused you a little, I do have some wonderful friends who are very understanding so thats great. Maybe 6 of my friends? who of course think I am somehow 100% better as outwardly I am (Just dead inside thats all)
It was my support worker who agreed with my own statement saying I was ****ed in the head. I dont think any of my friends would dare agree with me on that one, my support worker said "yes you are ****ed in the head" Shes my support worker not my friend, theres a line that can never ever be crossed.
Ok I admit I probably shouldnt be trusted. If people 100% trust me I will comply, but when people start doubting me I think why the hell should I 'behave' Yes I had lithium overdoses and never told anyone till about two weeks after but as far as I am concerned thats my choice. Guess thats why they dont trust me.
Another example of this is when I was an inpatient they stand over me like a ****ing idiot when I am taking my pills, its like dareing me not to comply, so I did swallow my pills like the perfect patient then straight to the loo to spew them up LOL. (they never did find out)
My husband loves me but he just cant understand how I hate feeling so dead I mean he is happy I am calmer and not shaking I am sleeping from his point of view I appear better and thats great for everyone. BUT WHAT ABOUT ME... I am gone and noone gets it noone.

[perpetuallysad]

Alright, I see what you are saying. Sorry I misunderstood.

Can you describe the "you" that's hidden because of the medicine? What does it take away from you? (I'm not being flippant, I was thinking if you could "talk it out" or sort of make a list of the things you don't like it might help you gain some perspective.)

[missmoonshine]

Perpetuallysad I didnt mean to offend. The me I am talking about is the person who stands up for what she believes is right. Will advocate for others at her own sacrifice. Enjoys the simple things in life eg walking the dog, sunshine, the mountains. Is spontaneous and can make others laugh and laughs herself (genuinely). Enjoys catching up with friends (now cant be bothered). Loves her job with all the enthusiasm that goes with that. The list goes on and I guess I admit that was before my bipolar got out of control, but was probably 3 years ago that my head was clear and that was how I was!!

[Ascension]

Being bipolar is a difficult process with the medicines. Some medications can cause us to become manic and some can make us depressed, over swinging the pendulum in one way or the other. Maybe you need a slight tweak on your anti-depressants? It sounds like some of what you describe may be depression. Maybe talk to your pdoc about modifying that? I hope you find balance soon.

[missmoonshine]

A balance would be good I just need to feel again, yet I cant be bothered! I almost dont care yet the last few days without the meds I see a glimmer of hope, yet again there is a bit of irritibility setting in again, Damn!
Its funny guess I have to do this to prove I am going to be ok and if I'm not I will have to deal with that also, there is no real answer.
Ascension, I am on day 5 now so I am doing not to bad, though I have done heaps today mania may be setting in, tomorrow will tell.

You make the choices. You deal with the consequences. Life is about learning and growth. You appear ready for both.

Good luck.

[missmoonshine]

Yes, it is about choices and I guess I'm not hurting anyone by doing this thats the main thing. To actually be able to feel something, anything is so damn good whether it be anger or joy sadness or anything really. Being emotionless is worse than being dead.

[perpetuallysad]

You didn't offend me at all. I just misunderstood your comment.

Anyhow, TheByz is right, you seem prepared to deal with the consequences, and I hope you have a good experience with this. I know I would love to quit taking meds, so I guess maybe I envy you.

Good luck.

[missmoonshine]

Well, something today has changed the way I think, this whole stopping my meds has come at the worst possible time as almost a year ago (6/3/09) my beloved Dad died suddenly, so this month is not going to be easy, and if I full apart I would rather do it on the meds rather than off them.
The other reason is I think the psychiatrist wants to feel numb wants me to suffer, and then yesterday here I was thinking they are watching me (as if I was that important LOL) It dawned on me that the problem is me not THEM, I am the one with the irrational thoughts and why on earth would anyone be watching me?? I am still not 100% convinced, however I know now this is my own brain playing tricks on me its scary really scary. The fact I stopped my meds wasnt even rational it was based on irrational stuff and denial, I have bipolar FULLSTOP bipolar...

[perpetuallysad]

((((missmoonshine))))

[missmoonshine]

Well back on the meds dunno whether I made a good choice or not, really! I feel dead again how can anybody in their right mind stand this I kind of wish I had never bothered asking for help in the first place as seems all like a waste of time. I cancelled my psych appointment and now my support worker hasnt even bothered to make contact Good serves me right. Hope I can be discharged from the system and just plod along like I have always done not bothering anyone. I'm fed up thinking, talking, breathing bipolar

[perpetuallysad]

(((missmoonshine)))

I'm sorry, I know its hard. No one wants to have a chronic illness, especially one as hard to manage as bipolar is. Maybe you can go to the psychiatrist and get your meds adjusted. If they are making you feel that "dead" then I know there must be a better med combo for you.

Good luck.