[Lauru]

I am so depressed it is scaring me. I can't work and my insurance is running out on April 1. I will have to pay out of pocket for therapy because I have Medicare. I will only be getting $800 per month to live on and I have a car payment and car insurance. I am having bad thoughts. I just can't keep doing this, living this life. It sucks and my life is terrible. My doctor said I was unable to work with any productivity whatsoever. He said my condition is chronic with recurring episodes of illness that last up to 12 weeks. Then he said that I get these episodes every 6-18 months. This is how I will be and have been for 20 years. I don't know if I can handle that at all. I am not sure if it is worth it. I don't know what to do. I'm rambling, so I'll stop.

[englishteacher]

I'm so sorry that you are suffering. Don't give up. I wish I could be more helpful, but I'm at a loss for words. Just don't give up. Hugs...if they make you feel better.

[WendyAussie]

Lauru, I am sorry to hear about the state of things. As a Bipolar patient I truly understand how it is. I have lost almost everything due to my illness (I also have panic and anxiety disorders and I am also an 11 years sober alcoholic). This illness just takes and takes and when you think it's taken enough it just takes more. Even if we are really diligent with meds, therapists, and for me AA as well. I work at a rate of 100% on all of them, but I still fall inot holes all the time.

This may not be appropriate for your situation, so if not, please disregard. Would it be possible for you to sell you car and get around by public transport? I just know that one of the things I have had to do over time is let go of big financial committments (one for me was my house) to have some relief from financial pressure. As I say, your living arrangements and local public transport may not make that ideal.

[yutzman]

Have you checked with your Psych about maybe a pay plan or reduced rate? My Psych charges me $40 less than patients on insurance because I pay cash. I'm sorry to hear of your painful plight. I also have lost nearly everything to this disease.....monetary and socially....I have a good Psych and am coming back slowly. I'm lucky most of my meds I can get from Walmart for $4........the others I get assistance from the drug companies cause I can't afford the pharmacy price. So these are a few avenues to consider.....Good Luck...Y

[Anneinside]

I am on Medicare and my counseling with my psychologist is %50 covered. The other 50% is covered by my supplemental plan. Don't give up. Check with Medicare.

[BashfullOne]

Lauru - you received some very good information here. I believe that you will also qaulify for foodstamps and such. Discuss these issues with your counselor and see if they have some answers for you. Please don't give up - there are many here who care about you and what you are going through. Please keep posting and let us know how you're doing. Please. I'm sorry that I don't have any answers for you - I'm so sorry for what you're going through.

[mamaJenof5]

Please stop and think! I have felt this way so many times but giving in them thoughts is not the way to go. There has to be options for help in your area.I just went through a spout of depression myself and switched meds this are turning around slowly.I know if you just apply for ssi you can get state medical. look into that it might help.

[thinker22]

Everyone else has said it, but don't give up. There are options you still have. It doesn't look that way right now. I was in total despair last night, and still have an uphill battle, but I know if I devote enough of my time to the problems I'm facing, I'll at least stand a chance. The future is uncertain, but at least it can go either way. It doesn't have to go as badly as we imagine.

Something will come in and rescue you at the last minute if you do everything you possibly can in the mean time. That's been my experience anyway, and I wish you all the luck in the world as you explore what's out there to help you.

[Lauru]

Thank you all for the support. It's nice to know people care. I am trying to come to terms with the fact that I will always be on disability, and I will never be able to attain my work and education goals. I can work maybe 10-15 hours a week at a no pressure job, like at a bookstore or a craft store. I have a college degree and I cannot use it. I was an early childhood education teacher. Now I am nothing. I have no worth, no redeeming qualities. I guess right now, I just hate myself.

[NuckingFutz]

You are not your bank account, nor your employment status. You have worth just being you. Just because your doctor says you can't work and people come off disability all the time. It is not a death sentence. Science is coming up with new meds and therapies all the time. I use to feel like you do. I did give up my car for the bus. I have a good support network so I am safe. This gave me time to learn more about me, my illness, hobbies. It has kind of been like an early retirement for me. Sometimes I do surveys online for extra money. But one needs to look toward the positive. Hang in there. And there is this place to come to. It literally has been a life saver. Hang in there and keep posting.

[billieJ]

Depressive thoughts can be scary - all by themselves, and doubly so when you are facing financial problems. I'm in a similar boat and used to be a social worker before they carted me off to the psych ward and now I can do nothing. You got some excellent advice above. You should qualify for food stamps, help with rent [HUD], and possibly Medicaid as well as Medicare. Throw everything you got at the problem, and it'll work~! Caring About You, Friend ~ billieJ

[WendyAussie]

Lauru, I feel so much compassion for you, mainly because I live the same experience. I had come from an horrific upbringing but, as we say in Australia, I "pulled my self up by ther bootstraps" and got three tertiary qualifcations all while working full time and had an amazing 14 year career in Public Relations/Communications, had my own property with a mortgage for 14 years - and all of this was was across the period in which I was a blackout drinking alcoholic (sober now 11 years) and as yet undiagnosed and untreated mental illness. When I was three years sober I admitted that I had mental illness as well and that started my treatment by psychiatrists. Unfortuately that was to begin a period of horror, degradation and losss that made the horror and loss of 18 years of blackout drinking look like a pale imitation. The psychistrists I saw across those 6/7 years grossly mis-prescribed me - I am 100% compliant with my meds and always have been, but I just got sicker and sickjer and sicker and didn;t know what was happening to me - I just thought I was terminally sick with no prospect of rehabilitation. As a result I lost everything - career, house, family and friends, the opportunity to have children due to the years chewed up, of course my sanity and then two years ago nearly my life. I went from being a high income earner in a high status career to being on the Disability Support Pension which is under the poverty line.

I work at a rate of 100% in psychiatry, psychology and in AA, and in all opportunities to getting a step forward in life all the time but my illnesses themselves, as well as the damage caused by those psychiatrists, means that I am a shadow of my former self, have had really excellent potential taken from me.

I think it is really important to acknowledge that some people's live really are like this. There are some people, including me who do not have a support network - my family and friends have largely bailed because of the stigma, bigotry and fear associated with mental illness - certainly not something I have brought on myself. And ironically, there are also many with substance abuse problems and mental illness - but they are not seeking treatment for them like I am so I cannot have those people in my life - and I am a pariah to them because I seek treatment for both - too confronting for them, even though I don't push it into their face. It is great for people with mental illness that do have a strong social support network - I envy you.

So Lauru, thank you for sharing what is going on for you - it helps me to know there are fellow travellers out there.

[acw56]

If I cannot find it in myself to think of myself as a worthy human being, and I am so overwhelmed with my circumstances, I try to imagine that I have a friend in the same situation. I am almost always kinder to my friends then I am to myself, and have a clearer head than they do when it comes to their problems. So, if it helps, think what you'd say to a friend in your situation, and say the same thing back to yourself, even if you don't believe it. That sometimes helps me, anyway.

Hi Lauru! Have been thinking about your post for days now, and not really knowing what to say, yet feeling compelled to say I am thinking of you. Read some of you blog... we have so many of the same fears and questions, you are definitely not alone in those.

I've written so many different things and erased them all. It all came down to this...I think you're pretty awesome, even if you can't see it yourself right now.

NuckingFutz said it exactly..."You are not your bank account, nor your employment status. You have worth just being you."

Btw, I TOTALLY LOVE your polar bear sig!

[musikcrazy]

I am so sorry that you are going through this. I know people that have come off of disability after years of being on it. People have given you great suggestions to help you. I know you probably feel overwhelmed and just looking into the various programs may seem like a daunting task, but try breaking everything into smaller tasks. I had to leave my teaching career for four years and I am now teaching in a 'lower stress' situation until I am more stable. It is hard, but two years ago I couldn't even get out of bed. Please keep posting and know that people are here to care for you.

[FlamingJune]

I guess others have suggested it, I haven't read all the posts. But there are psych therapists who will work on a sliding scale and give you a discounted rate. You may have to search around online for your area's therapists and email them, telling them your situation and that you need a cheaper therapy session rate. I'm sure a few of them will allow this. All you have to do is ask. Good luck.
I'm sorry you're feeling so bad. But trust me when I say, no matter how bad things look now, they do get better. Just take it day by day. Trying to take in the next 20 years in one sitting is enough to scare anyone. Try to worry only about the here and now and things may not seem so overwhelming. You can do this.

[leah0306]

it hurts to read your post, i too deal with the pain your going with, we all do. do you have a support system-family,friends- that can help bolster you up during this? i too feel the worthlessness you described, it is soo hard, but your as special as anyone else, please hang in there, hope your family can be support to you thru this, hope to read soon that your doing better and things are looking up, take care

[BNLsMOM]

Lauru, How are you today?

[Lauru]

Well, still the same. The depression lingers on. Still have feelings of hurting myself and drinking. I am working really hard not to do either of those things. I am trying to keep busy. I am going to my Intensive Outpatient Program, seeing my therapist weekly, and seeing the pdoc. I am doing what I am supposed to be doing, but everything still sucks. I still have those thoughts and urges. So yeah....that's how it goes.

Thanks all for the support. It has helped.