[Dane]

(Disclaimer: this post might suck the life out of you)

I'm not sure what to say, but I know I must say something. I'm feeling like I'm dying inside; nothing is beautiful anymore, the sun hurts my eyes and it's too hot (when I normally love heat). Normally when I get down, I've always turned to online games and I would just play it out every chance I could to satisfy myself - however that unhealthy coping mechanism is broken. I can't play games anymore, so I have nothing to occupy my mind, I have no energy to start any new projects, and the thought of jumping into old ones makes me cringe as of this moment.
I realized the other night, that I have very little social skills - to the point that I can hardly speak to my own wife and son. I feel like they don't look at me the same way either... I think they see me as a failure too grumpy all the time; My son is too young to talk, so I pick up on subtle changes in his behaviour around me. He's not listening to me anymore when I say no, when he's getting into bad things; this tears at me because all my life a large majority of people have underminded me and it's a true sore spot (among many). I know he's just a child and is experimenting, but that doesn't mean it doesn't still break my heart that he doesn't seem to even want to sit on my lap anymore.
He just started daycare so me and his mom can work at the same time (to pay off looming debts of great amounts - ANOTHER stress), so I'm not taking that well at all.. He's become very whiney now trying to always get his way like the other kids do at the daycare, so the time we actually do spend with him, isn't the most pleasant time anymore for me, with constantly getting frusterated at his new behaviours.
Job hunting isn't going well either, because I've been looking and getting nowhere fast. It's especially hard to try and convince another person that I'm worthy enough to employ, when the crushing weight of this crap is flattening me out.
The reason I'm venting is because the last couple days have been very bad, I'm doing everything that I shouldn't be doing, staying up late, getting up with the baby at 7 am, randomly dozing off on my wife when I actually get to see her when she's not working, I'm eating terribly, once a day and a few snacks here and there, i'm smoking marijuana after the baby is asleep (outside, second hand smoke is bad), and worst of all, for the first time I've had sinking feelings of hopelessness, despair, and the like. Much much worse than I thought I had these feelings before. It leaves me thinking throughout the day and night how I can just... escape everything. I know that someone who is BP is especially prone to following through with suicide, which is why I'm paying attention to the feelings, and thoughts created by them. So far, no bad stuff like that, but when I think of things like "Oh, I just want to disappear, escape, and not suffer anymore", it makes me think that might be bordering on suicidal thought patterns.
The last thing I need is to goto the hospital and have them commit me again, my wife did not handle that last episode of mania well at all, and has mentioned that we can't afford another hospitalization financially, or emotionally.

Thanks for listening, I need somewhere to vent, sorry for the pollution.

one.....you need to quit the marijuana. you smoke outside, to protect your baby from second hand smoke..what if something really big happened and your reflexes were slow and you couldn't do what you needed to do, to protect him? i've smoked pot, so i know about reflexes.

two.....pot is a depressant. why are you using it? you're hurting yourself and your wife. you have no job and you're buying pot?

three...you're bipolar. are you on meds? you really need to see a pdoc and get on meds, if you aren't on on them.

four...keep trying to get a job, it will do wonders for your feelings about yourself.

five..you said your child doesn't pay attention when you say no, do you play with him? playing is a better interaction, than saying no. take him for walks, carry him on your shoulders (not stoned).....do things for him and your wife......feel useful. it really helps us........

six...i know i'm blunt, but sounds like you're in a hole and i am just trying to help you dig out........xoxo pat

[Dane]

You make it sound like I'm some deadbeat pothead of a dad.

1. I use it because it inhibits my normal thought process and I can actually function as a normal human being, which is nice to have a break from my own brain.

2. I don't buy it, my wife gets it for herself for free from a friend

3. Peer pressure. I've told my wife hundreds of times that I want to quit (and have quit after my BP diagnosis up until recently when I got hit with alot of stress), and she still says "You coming outside for one?". It's the only time we have fun. Yes I know it's unhealthy, but I've tried to change it and we end up fighting. She does what she wants to and if I interfere, she takes it as loosing control and will get mad.

4. I'm on lithium - it's good for keeping my from going into a manic state, but I heard it wasn't as effective for controlling depressions, and I've been expecting a depression since the last onset was mania. Here I am.

5. The day I wrote the post I was scheduled to see a psychiatrist, and I got rescheduled for october due to some 'unforseen matter'.

6. I'm a very good dad thanks, I play with him all the time, and have been taking care of him the last 5 or so months. I always make sure he has a walk every day, I take him to the park 3 or 4 days a week, and I've gotten pretty damn good at doing things with one hand while I'm holding him because he wants to be held. And by the way, I'm never stoned around my son. I'm a very good and responsable father, even if I'm down in the dumps.

You were trying to help, but I took offense to it. Assuming your BP as well, you should know that in manic or depressive states of mind, we tend to take offense more easily and frequently. Yes I know pot is bad, but you know, I got a lot of crap on my plate and have very poor coping skills.

i did not mean to upset or hurt you. i gave you my take on it. i care about what happens with you, your son and your wife. i would not have gone to that much trouble to answer you, had i not cared. i'm sorry if you didn't want to hear it. i'm also sorry that your wife provides you with the temptation of smoking. i'm glad that you take your child for walks and play with him. i couldn't pick that up from your message. i'm not putting you down, far from it. i was very touched by your post and tried to answer it, as honestly as i thought you wanted it. perhaps you didn't want to hear it and i'm sorry....pat

[Junerain]

Dear Dane,

I think you should pat yourself on the back...you show incredible insight into your state of mind, your feelings, your thoughts. You wrote to reach out, and I hear you. I have the same feelings, for me, it is to crawl away in a hole somewhere, and yes, that is considered suicidal to doctors, albeit in a different sense of the word, suicidal with a different tone to it. You are so lucky to have a son, I have no kids and dream and dream about one day having one. I also envy you have a spouse, another thing I dream about. Have you ever attended a depression bipolar support alliance meeting? Find out one in your area at dbsalliance.org
Perhaps there you can explore your lack of social skills, I believe you have good social skills just in the way you shared with us. We care about you, write and let us know how you are.

[BlueFaith]

Dane,
I just wanted to let you know that you aren't alone when it comes to the way you are feeling right now. I am in the exact same position you are in. So, I understand how frustrating it can be. I also have bipolar (type 2). I have feelings of despair and hopelessness also. And my meds have been changed so many times that it's not even funny. I have just been switched to Geodon and Cogentin, and both of these medicines make me feel awful. I was SO manic the other night that I thought I was gonna have to go to the hospital. It was the first night that I took the Geodon. My mind kept thinking that I would die if I went to sleep. And then I decided to cut myself just so I'd stay awake. I was running all over the house just to be moving. I felt like I had to move constantly. Anyway, no one in my family really understands much about what I am going through. And some of them are so sick of me that they don't even care. So, I feel like I am going through all these things alone... and that makes things extremely hard. I feel like I am alone with no one to talk to and no one to understand me. I hope you feel better soon.

[Hope4me2]

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Dane}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
I too suffer from Bipolar II and I know some of how your feeling.....but you do have considerable insight and talent to write you feelings out like you did.....I was in the hospital about 3 weeks ago for 2 weeks for suicidaul thoughts...the hopelessness I know that all to well.....please keep talking and venting to get your feelings out.
I am praying for you and hoping you feel better soon.
take care

[CompGeek]

I understand that your are under alot of stress with job hunting and the new behaviors your child is picking up at daycare, but please don't smoke becasue you are trying to "escape" many more problems can occur becasue of using. It is good though that you go outside so that it does not affect your wife and child. I am sure that your child does not look at you as a failure, you are the most important male in your childs life. Also im sure that your wife understands. Job hunting can be very stressful. Try to remind yourself that you are an able worker and those that don't hire you are missing out on a great worker and sooner or later an employer will see this triat and hire you
Hope Everything works out,
-Jason

[missy3mn]

Dear Dane,
Sounds like were in the same boat. I just keep waiting for mine to sink. I have only been diagnosed with depression, fibromyalgia. I think I have bipolar, due to the major mood swings I have. I'm making my life hell, as for my kids, they stay away from me when I get like that. I have been job searching for quite some time, no one wants to hire me. So that makes me feel all the lowest. Besides the job hunting, my hubby is having major back surgery in October. So everything will land on me again. Nothing new there huh?? I would love to crawl in a hole somewhere. Sounds to me like you're a fantastic dad. As for your childs behavior issues, you never said the age of your son?? Could be just a stage. When parents are upset the kids know it. As for smoking pot, its not right but I won't condemn you since I have been clean for 6 years as of last April. I quit for the sake of my kids. I seen what I was doing to them. Sounds to me like you need to get healthy first, then go job hunting later. One step at a time.
Take care, Missy

[Dane]

Well guys, I'm back and feeling better now. I sometimes slip back into that same old thought pattens, however I can somehow find a way to lift my spirits, so that's how I know that I'm better. My wife ended up reading this site and everything that was posted - at first she was a little put off, but when I got home she was more understanding and actually read up on bp and how it affects me. She apologized for not being there and things have been much better now. Neither of us are smoking marjuana anymore, and now all I need to work on is getting a full time job. My son isn't in daycare anymore - so his behaviours are back
to 'normal'.

Junerain: thanks for the tip, i will go see the site and find out what it offers me. Perhaps you are right that I have *some* social skills, but the disinhibition of the internet allows me to freely communicate, because I can simply log off and cannot be embarrassed or hurt or what not. I'm very shy in person although I'd rather not be.

I'm still stressed out about finding work, but overall I'm doing good. Thanks everyone for the support, it brightened up my day to see all these replies and the content in them.

P.S. No more 'suicidal thoughts'

[Hope4me2]

That is so great to hear....so happy your wife is being so supportive...so happy that your not smoking pot anymore and that your son is back home....man that is a BIG change...pat yourselves on the back for that....hang in there about the Job....it too will come...be patient and keeping going in the direction you are now....man I am so happy for you and wishing you the best....keep us posted on how things are going...I will be praying for you and the job situation..
take care...~~~Hope~~

[BlueFaith]

That's GREAT, Dane!!! I am thrilled to pieces that things are getting better for you! It's GOT to feel sooooo good that your wife understands a little better now. Some progress is better than none, right? I'm just very happy for you.