[Dane]

Hello everyone.
Back in march I was in a manic state, and eventually hospitalized, and was diagnosed with bipolar a month or so ago, and since then i've gone through some stages. The first, obviously is denial - and it was strong. I refused to believe it was an illness and when my wife was talking to someone I heard her say I am sick but now I have meds and therapy. It almost ripped my heart out.

My second appointment with the psychiatrist was pointless. I asked for psychotherapy and he said he was too busy and referred me to the mental health clinic which is a 6 to 12 month wait. I have little money so I can't afford therapy and expensive meds. All I have is lithium, and it doesn't even seem like it works (but i'll keep taking it).

After I gave up on trying for therapy, I turned to support from my grandmother and mother. I've always blamed them for my essentric behavior throughout my life because of the emotional neglect. It's no different now, at age 23. I'm no longer talking to my grandmother because she started yelling at me and hung up, and my mother seems apathetic towards me.

I moved on to my wife, and she says she's there for me, but when I want to talk, I get half her attention, and the things I say get thrown back in my face later on. Of course if she read this, I would get the biggest guilt trip ever. She occasionally says "I think your in a mania, you need to check yourself" when we're in an argument. Therefore, I am alone with this. I decided tonight that I needed to find other people to talk to with the same condition before I deteriorate further.

My father killed himself when he was around my age, so I suspect he had bipolar as well. My mother mentioned how he would run around the house with a knife yelling at ghosts. He was a drug addict and died driving his car into a lake, probably fighting his delusions. This is where I need support the most - I have a son myself and I need to be around for him; and I also need to be strong for him too as I didn't have a father figure at all. This doesn't stop my thoughts of hopelessness, despair, and sadness.
I'm tired of always feeling so alone, and I'm afraid of what's in the future, whether it's another manic episode, or a depression; and if it is half as bad as people who suffer from it sounds, I don't even want to think about it.

I've been reading up lots of bipolar, and I know quite a bit about it now than I did. I've finally accepted the fact that it is an illness. But now what? I can't even go outside because of my social anxiety and trying to remain positive seems an impossible goal. I'd like to ramble on, but I could probably fill a book. This is as good as any place to stop.

Please consider this post as reaching out for attention/support. Thank you.

[(JD)]

((((hugs)))))) Dane. Welcome to psychcentral. I have major depression.

Wow so much to deal with! I want to encourage you to continue with the med... it might take a long time to get you stablized...and you might have to add another med or two also...but at least in the long run you'll be around to complain?!
sorry... but really. The psychiatrist of today doesn't usually do any psychotherapy... only meds and checks. I hope you can get into therapy before the holidays... that will help make them easier. So get on the list bud!

You have my full attention.

You aren't alone. There are many here who can talk with you more informatively, I'm sure.

After many years in therapy I am just now realizing how much my voice raised when just trying to cover my points... whew! I can see how it might happen as you become more and more frustrated that no one is listening to you, but only to your disorder! We are not our disorders!

Come back and post often, it's good for the soul.

Take Care (TC)

[jennie]

((((Huggs)))) Keeping a regular sleep, eat, and daily routine are most important to managing bipolar disorder. Sometimes it feels like a person with bipolar disorder is not allowed to feel happy or sad without being accused of being ill. However, try not to get defensive with other people or family when they say things that you feel are inaccurate (especially, "You are acting manic.") Eventually, you will adjust to how to keep you well. Take care!

[Dolfin]

Dane,

I am Bi-Polar 1 with mania, and I am on Lithium as well. I was diagnosed 6 years ago, but after going thru a myriad of different meds, Lithium is the one that works for me. Have you had your levels checked recently? It could be your not getting enough Lithium, and need a dosage increase. This may explain why it doesn't seem like it's working.

I am also in the same financial situation as you are - I can't afford my meds or therapy. Many of the drug companies now have patient assistance programs where they will provide you with the meds at no cost, based on your income.

I am sorry your wife uses this demon against you. She clearly doesn't fully understand bi-polar. Have you tried to include her in your research, so that she can better understand what you face each day? It's not easy having a significant other that doesn't understand you. My ex-BF left me because of my disorder. Four months later, we are slowly putting the pieces back together, and he is taking an active role in learning more about bi-polar.

Know that you are not alone in your fight to gain some sort of balance in your life.

My best advice right now is to have your Lithium levels checked (having blood drawn). This may help easy your anxieties a bit if the dose is too low. Also, tell you psychiatrist of your social anxieties, you may have other underlying conditions that have yet to be addressed.

You are in my thoughts, because I was the exact same age you are when I was first diagnosed. I know first-hand how you are feeling, and trust me, given time, it will get better. The best weapon against bi-polar is accepting it, then building up a "can-do" attitude - knowing you are going to have good and bad days, but bi-polar doesn't have to control you; you have to try to learn to control it.

I hope you get some comfort from my words. Feel free to PM me anytime if you have ANY questions.

Take Care,
Dolfin

[Hope4me2]

I too have Bipolar......mine is Bipolar II though........I suffer from BAD depression...You are NOT alone in your struggles......your getting some good advice here....I do not know what to add......
Just wanted you to know your not alone and you can VENT all you want here.......I will listen too
take care

[Dane]

Thanks everyone... I think I need advice.

I'm not sure if I'm beginning the first stages of hypomania now or not; I certainly don't feel energized like I did last time, but then again, I only remember the last week or so when I was surging with energy.
I'm no longer sure of myself - that is, I don't know if I'm about to have a huge depression now, or another mania. I don't want either, and I feel helpless to stop the onset of one or the other of these conditions.
My wife says she's worried about me because I'm doing alot of reading and writing, and also we get into silly fights all the time over the simplest of things (another trademark of the mania I had). I see it as her being the one who is moody pushy, and controlling. She sees none of that, just me getting upset.
I was thinking about trying to schedule another appointment with my psychiatrist, but he's extremely busy and my next appointment isn't until the middle of july. I probably won't do a thing until I practically snap.

[Minnehaha]

Are you getting talk therapy, medication, or both? My experience is that both are important, especially when you're feeling unstable, or if your family or friends are indicating, by word or action, that they're concerned.

[Dane]

unfortunatly, no I cannot afford therapy, and a free psychologist paid by the government has a 6 to 12 month waiting time. I have been doing quite a bit of introspection and I think I'm on to something - basically I'm doing my own self help in my spare time (against the advice of some I'm sure).

[Dolfin]

Dane,

Something my therapist told me: YOU are your own best advocate.

Only you know how you feel, what your mood is, can begin to 'feel' the changes in mood coming on etc.

It's hard when you can't afford professional help and need to resort to other means. I think you are on the right path (it's the same one I took ).

Keep it up and if you ever need help, feel free to ask any one of us. My PM's are always open.

Hugz,
Dolfin

[Dane]

I feel like (or have been made to feel like) what I'm doing is crazy. I thought that by trying to figure out where my anxiety is coming from and why I am the way I am (and how to fix it), that I've gone off the rocker and now I'm just talking jibber jabber. The thing is, when I first did this introspection, at the same time my first severe manic state hit me - therefore it was all I was talking about and writing.
After I was in the hospital, I thought it was from the life changing thinking I was doing, because I realized many new things about my life, and my anxiety vanished, along with all fears; It was actually the antidepressant paxil, that I took the month before which caused the mania.

Now that I'm back to 'normal', my anxiety is back, along with low self esteem and all that other good stuff that comes from it. The problem is, I'm afraid of trying to do my own self help for fear that maybe my introspection might cause another manic episode. Is this even possible? I think I read somewhere that stressful events can trigger the cycles of bipolar.