(very) recently diagnosed and terrified

hi,

I'm new here and this is my first post. For context: I'm a 22-year-old female from New England who just graduated from college and is moving to France for a year at the end of September ...

About four weeks ago I decided to be perfectly candid with my internist and describe what I'd been going through for the past two years, after I had a particularly bad emotional breakdown in my parents' bathroom. The antidepressants she had described simply weren't working, and after trying to fit me in after two weeks and upping my meds over the phone, I finally got an appointment and was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I'd been partially expecting this ... I knew that something was wrong, but hearing her words were a shock. She said she didn't feel qualified to treat me long-term and referred me to a psychiatrist near my home in CT (although I'm spending the summer in Boston). She put me on a mood stabilizer as well as reducing the antidepressants -- and this morning I had my first appointment with my psychiatrist. After an hour, trying to tell her my "story" as candidly as I could (including many things I would much rather forget) she confirmed it - I am bipolar -- just like my mother is (which my parents told me *after* I was diagnosed two weeks ago).

She said that she is going to help me and we were going to get through this together. My dad (who's my rock) said that he still adores me and that no matter where I am in the world (I'm an avid traveler) he will come and get me if anything goes wrong so that I won't wind up in the "krankenhouse" (psychiatric word), as we call it.

Yet, despite this, ever since my internist said that I *was* bipolar, I've been simply terrified. I know it's ridiculous, I have a supportive family who will get me the best psychiatric treatment wherever I travel and/or live in the future ... and yet, I'm so scared that I am going to go crazy again and be hospitalized. My little brother wound up there in April for a day (he's 21 and has a variety of disorders although he is not bipolar), and I can't sleep, fearing that I am going to be next -- that there's a big sign over my head screaming "bipolar" - "freak" and that men in white coats will come and take me away ...

thank you.

Hi and welcome to pc. I'm sorry you are having such a tough time with this. Many people feel the way you do. I felt overwhelmed and slightly relieved when I was diagnosed. Up to the point I was diagnosed I only thought I was suffering from depression that no antidepressant could help. I have a few points that may help you come to grips with your diagnosis.

First you are not to be blamed for this disease. There is a physical reason for it and it doesn't change who you are. You now only have a name for the trouble you have with your moods.

Second you have nothing to be ashamed of. You seem to be feeding into the crappy stigma that some people, regrettably a lot of people have, that if you have bipolar you are crazy or a freak or unable to contribute to society or that you are damaged goods. They are wrong and you will come to realize that this disease isn't easy to deal with, but doesn't have to define you. Besides you are in good company here is a list of people who you may have heard of that also have bipolar: Buzz Aldrin, Hans Christian Andersen, Ludwig Van Beethoven, Tim Burton, Lord Byron, Agatha Christie, Winston Churchill, Rosemary Clooney, Charles Dickens, Emily Dickinson, Ralph Waldo Emerson, Robert Frost, Cary Grant, John Keats, Abraham Lincoln, Isaac Newton, Florence Nightingale, Plato, Edgar Allan Poe, Robert Louis Stevenson, Alfred Lord Tennyson, Mark Twain, Walt Whitman, and Virginia Woolf.

Third you don't go "crazy" you are having an episode and you need to become aware of your triggers for having one, find the right meds to help balance your moods, and have a good psychiatrist to help you when things get tough.

Fourth not everyone who has bipolar ends up in a hospistal. I'm bipolar and have never experienced hospitalization so there is no reason to belive that you will end up in the hospital. It does happen and it is good that it is an option when it is needed, but it isn't a given that you will have to go.

Fifth please keep posting we are here to help and support each other and as we some friends we can take with you no matter where you travel.

Good luck. I hope this helps and we hear from you again soon.

Hi japanese lily

Welcome to PC.

Sounds like a bittersweet reaction. I remember that umpteen years ago...happy it had a "name", mad and sad because it had a "name". Medications and therapy are extremely helpful, and can help you remain happy and stable. We can still have a bad day here and there (doesn't everybody). Pdocs are generally wonderful with listening to worsening of symptoms, and mine even calls me back if it happens during visits. Constant communication is so important between you, the medical professionals, and your family. How wonderful you have such a supportive family, makes all the difference in the world.

Wishing you peace, and keep us updated.

Take care,
Dee

Thank you both so much. Although I didn't post that night, I did read your posts and they helped me get through it along with my dad. I've made a "list" for my psychiatrist tomorrow so hopefully all goes well. :~|

I got a new diagnosis on Tuesday. The logical side of me said. Well, now I know what all the stuff happening to me was all about. The emotional side of me is still working on grasping and getting my head around it all.

Good idea making a list. It helped me yesterday with my psychiatrist. Depression affects my memory and the list was a way to keep track before and during the appointment. Bring a pen and paper with you. There are NO stupid questions. questions help us understand. <font color="purple"> </font>

good idea about the pen and the paper. I don't know why but I would never have thought of it.

best of luck!

Hi, there!
I want to wish you all the best and to offer you my support---I feel empathy for you---I have the bipolar disorder, too. The way I see it, I the disorder, the disorder doesn't have me!! Hope this helps you!
Take care, write me anytime if you want or need to. Hope you find something to enjoy in this day!

Good morning! to Japanese Lily!
I hope you are doing well today!
I hope your appointments went well and you can get on track! I know how scary it is in the
beginning, but you are off to a good start. After you have been going to the drs and taking
meds, you will learn through practice how to handle your episodes, at least learn how to help
yourself get through them. I have it posted on here, but in case you missed it I will repeat it
here for you:
I always say, I have a disorder, my disorder doesn't have me!!!

Hope this helps you on your life journey!!

*hug*

Welcome to PC, Lily!

The moment you *finally* get your diagnosis changes your life only a little. The good part is you get a stabilizing agent that helps you to get the best of either anti depressants or anti psychotics. I remember before I was diagnosed and got several different treatments I felt there was "something wrong" with me, but what? Now I know and found out that thanks to this my hospitalizations so far were limited to exactly one (some years *before* diagnosis). I am 52 and experienced (hypo)mania, depression and mixed episodes. Learned to live with them and the duration is going down to a (couple of) day(s) and becoming more mild as well. All the best to you and your loved ones.

"Is it getting better or do you feel the same?" - U2

-Update-

Thank you for your kind words, everyone! Strongindividual63, I've started saying that I have bpd (my nickname for it, I shorten every word that can possibly be shortened) and that I am not bpd. I'm trying to look positively at the entire thing.

Everything has kind of changed since I first posted even though it's been, what, two weeks? I've started getting these vivid hallucinations that just take control of me and I start panicking. As they've continued I've been able to remain relatively calm so that if I'm around people, they just think that I'm in a bad mood and that I might have a weird physical injury.

Two days ago, even though I rationally knew it couldn't be happening as I was sitting in the car with my parents and brother (who all know now), I felt like class was being pushed out of my skin from my bone in my wrist and upper arm, just below the shoulder. I started crying silently in pain because it felt (and looked!) so real, and had difficulty keeping it together. When we finally got to our destination, I had my mother put a hoodie over my dress so that I couldn't see my torn skin or the pieces of glass or the blood that was seeping all over the car and my silk party dress. After two hours, and comforting from my parents' in private, it finally started going away, and now there's only a dull ache and these horrible scars on my arm, that my parents assure me aren't really there.

To top it off, my dad and I went to my pdoc and both decided she was the WRONG person for me. Long complicated story, but now I have a new therapist who's going to hook me up with a pdoc, but I don't have an appointment with him until a week from today (fortunately I'm going home on Thursday, so hopefully I can remain relatively calm until then).

My doctors have also decided that I can't go to Paris next year as I have planned and advised me to stay in the state to avoid hospitalization ... but part of me is wary of this, even though I agreed, because I'm worried I'll be put in one any way ...

Sorry about all of that. Cheers, JL