[maryjain lockhart]

I'm waiting2start meds&therapy cuz my PCP referred me2a Pdoc I was DX'd@17 but never got help cuz I thought id be all right. For yrs I have been buying xanax&ativan from ppl2self medicate4my anxiety. I have panic attacks a lot&have learned that if I take a xanax bar&break it into 4pieces&take 1piece every 6hrs I don't feel panicky, I'm not out of it&I can function. I'm scared that if I tell the Pdoc they won't help my anxiety. I've been seeking help4it4so long but nobody has been very willing2treat it. My fiance is afraid I will end up all "pilled" out if I get xanax or ativan prescribed2me&he's afraid that I will take em2b messed up. He doesn't understand that the REASON I buy em off the street is cuz it helps my anxiety. He hates my BP&wants that2b helped but he doesn't understand that I'm constantly anxious, too. He has seen how it affects me but he's scared ill be messed up&gone. I even told him he could keep my meds locked up&give em2me when I'm supposed2take em but he's being annoying. We've been2gether for4yrs&most of the reason I haven't gotten help since we have been2gether is b/c of his fear that I won't be ok.
He was also afraid when I started methadone maintenance therapy(MMT)b/c he thought I was just gonna try2get as much as I could2get "high", which of course, I didn't. I have been hiding from him the fact that there are times when he thinks I'm normal, but its always when I take anxiety meds..but they don't help the instability with emotions&the ups&downs of BP. I'm wondering, is this going to mess with my life? When I start taking meds will it take a while before I feel better? Will they cause me to be more depressed? And will my pdoc treat my anxiety? Should I tell them about my use of xanax&ativan? I've been prescribed ativan b4 but it only helps if I take2or4mg....I'm so freaking out! I just don't know what2expect....anybody have any insight?

[sugahorse1]

Hi Maryjain - not sure old you are and I must just be honest that your post is a little bit hard to read.

All I can say to you is that right now I commend you for taking the first step and going to see a pdoc. I think you realise you are doing this for yourself, but you are the only only one that can love YOU the way you deserve. You deserve to get help and be happy and healthy.

You will need to be 100% honest going forwards. With yourself, your doc and your boyfriend and remember you come first.
Your pdoc needs to know how much of the tabs you were taken and how often. Keep your bf informed of any meds that may be prescribed and then be honest to yourself and make sure you take them.
It may initially take around 6 weeks for the meds to fully kick in. Monitor the changes in your mood and feed back to your pdoc so he can make changes as necessary. This process of tweaking meds may take a while - be patient and work through it.
You need to your health first - your bf will have to understand why yoou are seeing the pdoc and that you may need to be on meds. If he really loves you, he will support you. You cannot put the relationship infront of your health in this case.

If he accepts it, speak to him about your medicine management - your pdoc needs to be made aware if there is any chance you could abuse your meds - maybe ask your bf to help you by taking responsibility and locking them away. And ensure you are prescribed meds that you cannot get too addicted too, or where overdosing is not a huge risk

[maryjain lockhart]

Thanks soooo much. Im29, used2writing in online talk...the BHS called a few mins ago&they're moving my apptmt up to tues@10. My pcp wrote in my chart that he was worried cuz I went from manically talkative to bawling my eyes out within a10minute time so they want2c me&they said I may go inpatient. I'm so scared. I can't afford2miss any work. I'm good@pretending I'm fine on the outside so ppl@work think I'm just super happy&bubbly&talkative. They don't see me crying in the freezer or sitting outside crying. I mostly don't know what my boss will do if I have2b outta work4a while.

[Anneinside]

I have to admit that I haven't always been reading your posts because they are so hard to read because of the omission of spaces and the use of shorthand like c and b4 etc. Since time is not an issue like it is in text would you try to write out what you are saying. Of course it is up to you what you want to do.

Reconsider your use of medications that don't come from you doctor. He/she can't help you get to stability if all meds are not known. As for disclosing at work, you might want to tell your supervisor but not other co-workers. I had a bad experience when I did this.

[Anneinside]

Sorry, that comment I made about work was not supposed to you to use. I had just read another post and thought yours also addressed work issues.

[maryjain lockhart]

I am worried about work because I am actually the 2nd person in command. Its my boss, then me, in charge. I actually lost my job before this one because of my bipolar-ness, which is my word for the craziness that is my life. But I think this time will be different because this job is more understanding. And I learned I get 2 weeks of paid vacation so I can use that time to get better!
I am learning to write things out. Out of everybody I know I was the last to start shorthanding things because I like to write so much. I apologize for any misuderstandings in my posts!

maryjain lockhart, I hope you put your own well-being ahead of your job. You deserve to get out from this ordeal you are going through.

Thinking of you. Be well.

[musikcrazy]

I agree, you need to tell your pdoc the complete truth. When I first started going to my pdoc I was addicted to Ativan. He did make me go off of it and he precribed Xanax XR, which has less of a risk of addiction. It has helped tremendously. It was hard to kick the Ativan as I loved that it was a quick relief, but overall the Xanax XR has kept the anxiety in check. As far as work goes, it is important that you get this under control. It sounds like this job is important to you and getting well will help you keep it. Just explain your situation to your pdoc and they should be able to work with you. Take care and keep posting!

Originally Posted by maryjain lockhart

I am learning to write things out. Out of everybody I know I was the last to start shorthanding things because I like to write so much. I apologize for any misuderstandings in my posts!

Hehe, I'm glad Anneinside mentioned it first, but I too have a hard time reading a lot of shorthand (and not just yours obviously). Guess it's one thing if you're used to it... but guess also that I'm a bit of an old fogey in this regard... (not many others, but in that one, yeah). Think it's just the processing.. just too much for my brain at times, when even straight English is a challenge to read. Know what you mean about writing so much though, maryjaine... same way here. As far as your situation, you can't help if he feels you won't be ok. That's out of your hands. It'd definitely be a good idea to tell your p-doc about the xanax/ativan. It's better to have the whole picture about what's going on and proceed from there. Otherwise there's this whole unknown factor messing with things. With the meds, it's likely that it will take awhile for them to feel like they're helping. That's ok. More depressed? Probably not, but everyone reacts differently to different things. It's better to get help, no doubt about it. One could worry about how getting help would mess with things, but I can tell you from first hand experience that *not* getting help will mess with things BIG TIME.
Wishing you luck and keep us posted, ok?

[sugahorse1]

I hope your appointment goes well. You definitely need to notify your doctor of each and every medication that you take. Some can react badly if taken together. Ativan I believe can be dangerous in the hands of someone prone to OD.
So please make a note of what exactly you take and how often.

I need to speak to my pdoc to change my meds, as I just seem to exist in a blur

[Trippin2.0]

Was feeling sO much like you not too long ago, I empathize, but keeping my appt. was the BEST personal decision I've made in LONG while...Scary? YES, worth it? DEFINITELY!!!
Was anxious and somewhat depressed about the possibility of being medicated for life, but if that means the well-being and happiness of myself AND my daughter, then it's really a No-brainer! Still freaking out b/c for some reason my meds are a WEEK LATE...ugh, don't know if I'll have anything to report in my next appt. if this keeps carrying on!!!

On a BRIGHTER NOTE...

I"M IN SUCH A FRICKEN BRILLIANT MOOD, I'M ACTUALLY LOOKING FORWARD TO MEDS, I'M THINKING IT WOULD LEAD TO A MORE BALANCED "ME"...something I've been yearning for, for the longest time...

sending WELL WISHES, HUGS, UNDERSTANDING AND COMFORT YOUR WAY!!!

SPREADING MY POSITIVE MOOD TO ALL MY PC FRIENDS MAY YOU ALL HAVE A TOTALLY FRICKEN AWESOME DAY and GOD BLESS!!!

[sugahorse1]

Hi Trippin - you really seem to be bouncing off the walls, lol!
Glad you are feeling better!
Please try follow up about getting your meds from a Cape Town chemist, even if means a minor co-payment and you having to fetch them rather than a courier sending them. Once you have started your meds, you really cannot afford to be without for an entire week. The withdrawals will be awful and it is not fair on you to keep you waiting so long. Let this be a learning experience, once that you can luckily experience BFEORE starting the meds.
The chemist is EXTREMELY short-sighted to not understand the gravisty of a script being delivered timeously!

I am glad you are so positive about starting the meds - they really can only allow you you to be a more balanced and happy person - that's what you deserve!

[Trippin2.0]

AAAaawww Mahn, u're sO sweet suga!

You're right, seeing as though there's no co-payment required for my AD, as originally anticipated, I will be able to afford the 1 on the pharmacy... will look into it immediately

Didn't think about what a week without meds might be like once I'm on them, THANKS for bringing that up

Hi Trippin - you really seem to be bouncing off the walls, lol!

I AM I AM I AM!!!

I LOVE IT I LOVE IT I LOVE IT ( don't know if this makes any sense, but it feels like my good moods are getting bigger and better LOL is that NORMAL? actually I don't care, just wanted to share.... it's GREAT!!!!)

WHOOOHOOO!!!!

LOVE AND HUGS TO YOU!!!!

[sugahorse1]

I think (un)fortunately the mood stabiliser will keep the manic moods under control a bit more. While you may miss the absolute feelings of euphoria, please promise to NEVER stop your meds.
Being stable is worth a lot more than those hypomanic phases - REALLY

[Trippin2.0]

Are you in the habit of bursting bubbles? raining on parades?

Really now: Wish what you said

I think (un)fortunately the mood stabiliser will keep the manic moods under control a bit more

was ABSOLUTE BS...but I know better....and maybe I won't like the new improved manic me, but it's a small price to pay for some balance right...

Guess I better enjoy it while it lasts

I LOVE YOU GUYS!!!

[sugahorse1]

Um... yeah. I tend to be the hand-break amongst my friends, the one that always comes back to reality

[Trippin2.0]

I need those kind the most these days...Nice to know I have ! in RW and in PC!!!
MWAH!!!

[maryjain lockhart]

I feel like bouncing off the walls somedays but it seems that this past week my happiness is turning into that old feeling of worthlessness. Hopelessness, sadness, dispair, depression. I keep crying about things that really don't need to be cried over&I can't sleep even tho that's ALL I want to do. I feel like crap today&I don't know why. I want2lock myself inside all day&cry. Even my cat won't come sit with me. And the dog gets scared when I'm sad so I get to hold my stuffed frog&cry about nothing. But the strange things is, I feel sad inside but outside I look fine. I cannot wait till tomorrow so I can FINALLY start feeling better. I have been researching meds&I think I want to try Abilify or Wellbutrin with a mood stabilizer&something for this horrible anxiety. Had an awful panic attack@work last nite. Thought I was having a heart attack. Then I cried.
Trippin2.0thanks for your happiness&excitedness, u helped brighten my otherwise awful day!

[sugahorse1]

Maryjain - you need to keep your mind occupied so it cannot wander back into the seemingly endless pit.
That is until you can speak to a pdoc about you meds. Are you currently seeing a pdoc? can you speak to someone about your meds research and your thoughts?

[Trippin2.0]

HUGZZ TO MARYJAIN!!!!!!
xoxo

[kadesgirl09]

(((MARYJANE))) SORRY YOUR HAVING SUCH AN AWFUL WEEK!! I, too, self medicate but that doesnt make it right or okay. My new pdoc took me off all the anxiety meds I was on when I first started going to him. So now when my anxiety goes up I just pop a xanax or oxazepam and I know he wanted me off of them for a reason but I cant do the constantly anxious feelings in my stomach and my chest. I also tend to self medicate with alcohol but Im trying to quit that because alcohol and meds dont mix. Anyways, I'm sorry your in such a bad place. I hope you start feeling better soon!!

[maryjain lockhart]

I am feelin better all ready. Saw a BHS who sent me to be evaluated@a crisis center. Then after the eval I saw a psychiatrist who did another eval&then he said I am bipolar1 and prescribed me lamictal for mood stabilizer&clonazepam for anxiety, but 1pill a day for now unless I need more. They also think I may have PTSD from childhood trauma/abuse/adult trauma/sexual abuse so I will be goin back to talk more bout it.
Everybody, thanks for all your support&well wishes. I sincerely appreciate each and every one of your comments.