How I Feel Today. . . Open to all.

, Lauru. Please take care, I know it is so hard, but please do, ok? Thinking of you.

Vjdragonfly, Birthday Greetings to you! (I know how jangly traditional greetings can sound when we're feeling not right. Holidays too.) Just so you know, I had a similar time a few years ago... In the midst of a massive and very long lasting depression, my ex had to go out of state for work. Way out, not at all driveable. Was supposed to be 3 months, turned into 9. At the time, I'd only recently been misdiagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder, and given ADs, which was a disaster, at the same time as effectively being thrown into single parenthood. Not fun. I sooooo feel for you in this, and just wanted to let you know that you are not alone.

Today (and last night too), I've been in kind of a weird space. Kind of down and I'm trying not to let it worry me overmuch. Have decided to go downtown and do something completely different as a diversion and hopefully to switch the energy. (Btw, I didn't get that job and am trying to tell myself that I'm ok with it and that it's not playing into this feeling, but I don't entirely believe it. My current "mantra" --if you will-- is that these rejections are protecting me from something I can't handle about the job that I just can't see from here and keeping the way open for the right one. It seems the only way to ride it out at this point.

Happy birthday. Mine is this month too and I got a spell of depression on it as well. It was not fun when everyone is trying to do nice things for you and you have to force yourself to smile when it feels like you're dying inside.

The day will be over sooner than you think. Hold on. I play a Tom Waits song where he sings "Hold on, hold on, babe you got to hold on..." when things seem really bad. It helps me to cope.

I hope your day gets better.

Trippin2.0 thanks

Innerzone thanks. How did you make it through your husband being away so long? I'm looking at least three months and he has only been gone two weeks. I really feel like I won't make it through it. I don't know how long I can fake it for the kids.
Sorry you didn't get your job. I'm glad you are trying to look at it in a positive way. I also hope you get to feeling better soon. Thanks again for your support.

thinker22 thanks and happy belated birthday to you. Your right about it being hard to put on a smile when I feel so torn up inside. Thanks for your support. The day won't be over soon enough.

I think my son has picked up on my depression and it makes feel guilty that he is worrying about me. He shouldn't have to worry about his mom. I just wish this feeling would go away and I could go back to being semi normal. I'm sorry that I keep going on about how bad I feel. It's just PC is all I have right now. Thanks to everyone for being so great.

Well, vjdragonfly, I'm not really sure. Mostly it was probably just taking it moment by moment, and not looking ahead, you know? I didn't really have enough energy to think how I was going to make it through. <Shrug> I didn't even know what coping mechanisms were, let alone about PC at that point, but wow, looking back, I sure wish I did! Although misdiagnosed and mismedicated, I *did* have a therapist at the time, and that seriously was a real lifeline, even though I don't think it accomplished much else (she focused *way* too much on old family stuff and not nearly enough on *what to do right now*). Even having one hour a week to talk to someone was more than I was used to, and it really did help.

You know, speaking of your son... I too worried about this. Strange thing. One day, sitting somewhere and flipping through a magazine, there was that ad (for Abilify maybe??) where there's the pictures of all these different modes. He said, "That's you." I said, "What? Nah." I knew it was, actually, but didn't want to admit to it. "DX'd" by a kid. Who knew? In fact, remember at one point much earlier on saying, "It's like a roller coaster with him!" Little did I know how that one sentence would resonate after my dx. Was it him, or was it me, or was it both? I only know one part of that equation so far. But the thing is, you do what you can and don't worry about it. It is what it is. Sometimes people think that is a dumb saying, but it really isn't. We do what we can. Kids are amazingly accepting over time. (They *do* have their moments of ripping our hearts out to be sure, but in the larger picture...) Trying to eliminate as many "shoulds" as you can can help from beating yourself up over things you have little control over (oh, ok, apparently I did learn something else in therapy! )

to you... You can do it. Really.

Depressed, feeling really bad and wanting to drink again and other stuff. But I'm safe, my honey is home for four days straight. She keeps me safe.

Today, I want to choke everyone! Is that necessarily a bad thing? For me I'd have to say yes, its a very bad thing.

Ok this may sound pettyish and plain out stupid but it has been going on for so long it has gotten me rather pissed off to the point, well I'm going to choke someone, not just anyone, but a few particular someones.

You see my mother lives with me and she receives food stamps. My brother works and earns 2x the amount that I earn, and she goes and buys food for HIM. Like there is hardly anything in my house to eat and well Im frankly pissed off, because the way I see it. She is frauding.

Yeah, IM pissed off to the point Im nearly in tears. Now that I have ordered food so I can have something to eat, she thinks she gets some of it. Likely not going to happen. IM sick of it. Why should I feed her when she cant contribute here. UGH

Sorry I know its stupid, but im pissed extremely over this.

Vj, thanks for the sympathy and understanding. I know how your feeling, alone with no one to lean on. Told my tdoc something like that in one of our last sessions and it is proving to be true. IDK how helpful it is for you to know your not the only one experiencing that but know that you are.

I just NEED to talk to her so bad, just that understanding, intelligent sympathetic response I know I'd get..... Knowing she is gone from me forever but not dead deals such a huge blow to my self esteem I cant even begin to talk to others (irl) about anything I feel or think... Feels so alienating... I am a Purple Pikmen in a world of other colored ones....

Zooie, so glad to hear you are feeling better, just dont forget that just like the bad moods eventually pass so too do the good ones... It is a roller coaster and try not to let yourself get down on yourself if it doesnt last.

Ty for your support as well, I do go to a State facility and how I got diagnosed. There are supposed to be resources to help with getting the meds free/cheap but when I spoke to the lady she told me it'd still be $6 a rx and with about 4 of them plus the Ativan which ISNT covered I still cant afford them. I have applied for SSDI and am awaiting my first decision. How hard was it for you to get on? My Advocate says I have a strong case but everyone else keeps telling me its hard and could take 2 denials and many years. Well I dont have many years to wait, I need support now. (My living situation is getting harder and harder to deal with as well)

If I could just get approved I could get Medicade and be able to get my rx's and possibly housing as well.... I would be a godsend and go a long way towards helping me to not commit suicide (as is my ultimate intention..)

Anyways, whatever, I suppose what will be will be....

Innerzone thank you so very much. I do look at the long picture instead of trying to cope with each day. It is hard when your children know that something is wrong with you. Thank you so much for your kind words.

Lauru I'm glad your honey is home. Try to fight the urge to drink. I hope things get better for you soon.

lilred3382 I can understand your frustration and I don't blame you for being pissed off at all. Is it not something you can discuss with your mom? Wishing things will get better for you.

Denise26 It sounds like things are really bad for you right now. I wish you still had your T to talk to. I'll keep my fingers crossed and hope things work out for you so you can get your meds.

I feel okay again today. That makes 6 straight days of a pretty even to up mood. Thanks to Cymbalta.

Denise26, I got SSDI on my first appeal. I think they don't really look at your case, they just kind of deny everyone on the first try to see if they'll give up. But my case was so compelling (my doctor's letters especially), that 2 months after I appealed, I got it. Now I can pay my share of rent and groceries...which I hadn't been able to do since I can only handle about 1 day of work per week. So from the time I applied to the time I was accepted was August '09 to May '10...9 months. Don't give up hope. The most important part is what your doctors have to say about your ability to function in life due to your illness(es). I have bipolar and PTSD and anxiety issues. If you ever have any questions about the process, just let me know. Pulling for you

Laura: I am having the same urge but as I have no $$ and no alcohol its easy to not.. I have lain on the couch and watched tv and eaten all day (sux because Im AN too and so this binging is making me have some very much lower self esteem...)

Vj: Yeah things are bad, but they are always bad (at least for the last 10yrs or so and I'm not old...) I wish I still had my T too, thanks for keeping your fingers crossed and hope alive for me as since she is gone I have no one to do that and I am not strong enough to.

Thinker22: Thanks for the info and the hope. I know that before my T left (her last day there) she filled out some more important paper work and the disability lady told me she actually spoke to her as well. I know that my t was supposedly pulling for me hard and I know she said she told them everything about what we had talked about and that I it wasnt that I wasnt able to work but that I was incapable of sustaining work sufficient to support me and never would be for the duration of my life... I also know that my disability advocate was confident that I had a strong case the first time I talked to her. (The only time I have talked to her.)

Still feeling suicidal, but home with my honey and am completely safe. So no worries. No drinking or misusing meds either.

I'm glad to hear you are doing so well. I hope the mood stays with you.

Do you have a T to talk to? Or any other support? Sounds like you need to talk to your pdoc and maybe get a med change. I'm in your corner and hope you get to feeling better soon.

I'm feeling a little better today, still not up to par, but I am able to cope. I really need to get things done around the house, but not feeling up to it. Looking forward to better days.

Lauru: can completely relate though sorry to hear your feeling that way. Glad to hear your safe and not drinking/ misusing meds.

Vj: Glad to hear your feeling better even if its not up to par its better than feeling worse and being able to cope sometimes is an insurmountable task so WTG you! =)

Me: Today is just SSDD.. I am doing horribly, called my pdoc today to tell him I was out of Ativan and almost out of my samples of Seroquel and was having to come completely off all my meds due to my finances. Just talking to him was an accomplishment in and of itself as I have never really been able to do so in person. Was glad he called me back, he said he would get a case mgr to call me and see if she could help with the meds.

I am starting to feel desperate. I am unwanted where I live or at least I feel that way. My family is so scattered and not talking to each other I feel unwanted there too. My tdoc found something better and left me, again unwanted. This board is the only support I have and its tentative and fragile at best. Certainly not the caliber I need...

I just feel like not only would I but the world would be the better for it if I wasnt in it. I am tired of hurting and being alone in it. I am tired of seeing every sign that this is not the world for me. I am tired of waiting for my disability even though it hasnt even been 3mos and I am under the impression the wait will be considerably longer with the risk of never getting it. What happens then? Tired of worrying about what to do and where to be. Tired of living off my friends and feeling taken advantage of just because I cant contribute financially. Tired of not having anyone to talk to about the things in my head or anything else for that matter. I didnt mean to let my tdoc open me up that much where now I feel the need to talk about stuff (or maybe its a want).

I seriously just want to come up with the courage to finally commit the ultimate act but I cant even decide on a method and my friend has used up my back up plan (bottle of morphine). Now all I have are surgical blades but then I worry about her kids finding me and all the mess that would make. Considering hanging but again where and who would find me? I could go crash my car but I dont want to run the risk of hurting anyone else or of living and not having a car or being paralyzed or something.

Thought about going to the residential treatment center my tdoc gave me the number for when she left but then what do I do with my dog and my car? I cant just abandon them and be alive to deal with that knowledge. I would rather be dead anyways.

Do you ever get the days where you just dont know how you feel? I get them days a lot which make me question everything under the sun.....SIGH

(((Denise))) I hope you start feeling better soon. I am grateful your friend took the morphine so its not there to tempt you. Please just make it through each second/minute/hour and know your not alone.

So, I guess the hypo came and went, the mania came and went, and now am i NORMAL? perhaps, but not sure what that even is. Trying to quit with the "other medication" I use to calm my anxiety or nerves but its hard...
I went from drinking heavy every night to now only drinking once or twice on the weekends and I have noticed a huge difference in my moods. BUT anyways, I think I am fine today. Everyone that is having an off day I am sending you good vibes to cheer you up.

Hello all, dragonfly I agree this was a great idea,I am feeling somewhat anixous today because there are storms on the horizon for tuesday and weds. But gratefully I feel a difference in this anxiety than before I joined pc.I've gotten some good feedback and encouragement from the people here. I'm going to try and sit through whatever is coming instead of running and hiding. I will say my prayers and could use some from the good ppl here. I've never sat thru a storm so this will be my first time if i can go thru with it.

Ty Kade. forgot to mention I am feeling extremely fat and that disagrees greatly with my anorexia, have to start restricting and starving myself again if I am going to not die yet...

Hi! I'm new to the pc community and still trying to figure out how to maneuver around the boards. I've been diagnosed with major depression, but also display symptoms that warrant a bipolar diagnosis. When I crash, I fall hard, and deep, and dark. And when I climb out from that space, within a day or two I'm ready for the world. I'm just looking for some support from other people out there like me.

Welcome Dreamweaver. Just remember that "diagnoses" are just labels they apply so that they know what meds might help and so they have a general idea how to deal with you. Each person is different and so multifaceted no diagnoses can ever be defining. Also as we are human we are subject to change and thus what may be depression one minute can change to manic or fear or joy or anything.

"This too shall pass..." Applies to every thing, depression, happiness, jealousy, you name it... Its just a matter of riding the wave.

This board can provide lots of support and I hope you are able to get all you need from it. At least it helped me to realize there ARE others experiencing things as I do and helps me to feel more human for it (although I have to control the depression THAT causes as well, hate the idea of anyone experiencing these things =P ) Anyways now Im just rambling....

Thank you so much Denise26. And you are right. The illness does not define who I am. I have never really discussed this part of my life with anyone but my therapist and doctor. I didn't other people would understand. I'm glad that I finally decided to drop in here.

Don't know what to do, so I guess I'm feeling confused. Sad and nervous

Well Lauru, not sure what you dont know what to do about, but me neither.... If you figure out the answer care to share?

Yw Dream, glad you decided to stop in also, the more the merrier.. Well, ok, at least the more, the more chances for a differing view/ understanding that may ultimately lead to an overcoming of some of our "issues" so yeah.... =)

(Me rambling again, feelin lonely tonight and posting bs on here to make up for it I suppose =P )