How I Feel Today. . . Open to all.

Okay...started out the day content; things have been going well lately. Then I got fired, and I honestly didn't deserve it. I kept my cool til I was in the car, then I was angry...really angry. I've only been on Lamictil for 5 weeks and it's working really well. I believe that my boss has had it in for me from before the medication, and I admit there was some basis. But I was open and honest with her, haven't missed a day of work, did a great job and even accepted it when I was refused reasonable accommodations. I was given a "Performance Improvement Plan" a week after starting the new medication and since then, I have really been the good employee. The reasons they gave me for termination weren't even valid. So now I'm depressed. On the phone with my brother who is also bipolar and a lawyer...he's not helping much giving me all the "reality checks" about how the system just sucks. Well, anyway, I've quit crying so that's good. I filed for unemployment, called a few lawyers and now I'm going to do homework in a self-improvement class that I signed up for as part of my commitment to doing a better job. Anybody seeing the irony in this? Think I'll go play with my dogs for awhile instead...

You might want to check out your rights from your local NAMI - National Alliance of the Mentally Ill. They are a great advocacy group. You might have a case against your former employers I wish you all the best

Denise - I am on SSI and SSA, but I only get $800 per month, not enough to live off of. So I am looking for some part time work. It's just I have this great education that I cannot use due to the bipolar. I want to not have bipolar, or OCD. This is the crux of the matter, truly. Thank you for your kind words.


Innerzone - Thanks for your kind words. I just wish with every molecule of my being that I did not have any mental illnesses. After 20 years I am still grieving the loss of "what could have been, what should have been." I just feel so awful and infinitely sad.



VJ - Thanks for the kind words. Hugs back to you all.

I think by now everyone knows how I am feeling. So maybe I should just say "ditto".

This is what my day starts out? I step in and take a hot shower then. I feel refreshed and comfortable. I'm still depressed and feeling rejected? I feel like no one wants or needs me in their life anymore?! It's like the best person has vanished from off the face of the. Earth and he's deserted me and. I'm standing in a vacant area of some scary place? It's like he doesn't care enough to come check on me either. I'm at a lost cause and. I can't do anything right for him anymore?!?! I'm spinning on my head and these other's are me too?!?

Lauru: I have applied and they said I would get $700/mo, I tell ya I will find a way to make that enough to live off of because as of the last 4-5mos I have been living off of nothing at all besides the $200/mo food stamps I get and being Ani I dont use much of that. The fact that your focusing on what coulda/ shoulda been is whats keeping you depressed. You can't change the past, all you can do is accept it for what it was, let it be and focus on what you CAN do in the present. Its easy to say I know but hard to do... I hope things take an upwards turn for you soon.

Ericmacia: I know those feeling all too well, they are scary. I often feel as though I am standing on a desolate plane yelling and crying at the top of my lungs and no one bothers to care enough to even ASK whats wrong... Quit trying to do whats right for him and start doing what feels right for you as you cant make someone else be happy or be concerned if they just are not...

Me: Today I feel depressed, anxious, lonely, broken, kinda paranoid, and as though my existence is irrelevant and a sham... I dont know how better to explain it than that. I feel worthless, like I have no place in this world and am wasting space and air and existence that could better be used on someone else... I hate being alive and wish more than anything it was me with stage 4 lung cacner instead of my dad because I would gladly die from it in his stead as opposed to going through all the treatments and trying to live.

Thats one thing that gets me, there are so many people dying in this world who want to live and then here's me all I want to do is die and can't. I would gladly give mine up for anyone else but alas the powers that be have decided that I am to suffer here in this horrible place until the end of eternity... I dont fear dying as I am starting to believe I never will, and not for lack of trying... IDK kinda messed up in the head more so today I guess....

Today I am anxious. On the way to see the surgeon so we can talk about my surgery.

I finally hit the wall last night around 8 and woke up at 6 this morning. Yay for more than 3 hours of sleep at a time.

Queen: Hope all goes well at the Dr today! Glad you got some sleep =)

Thanks, Lauru - I need all the help I can get.

Today I'm relieved that I got more than 4 hours of sleep for the first time in about a week. That tells me that I'm getting better!

I'm also relieved that my school granted me the short leave of absence I requested, but I'm nervous that they'll use it as another excuse to make my life difficult. I guess we'll have to wait and see. All I can do is everything they ask, but unfortunately, that isn't always enough.

I'm still unmotivated to pack or wash dishes or even put my laundry away for that matter, so I'm living in a dump. Doesn't help the mood much, you know? I need a personal assistant.

Denise: Sorry you are going through such a bad depression right now. All I can say is don't give up. There is a right meds combo out there for you. I waited 2 years for mine and it was horrible. Felt the same way as you're describing. But it was worth the wait. I can remember those thoughts of "I'm wasting space and resources on this planet that could go to someone else who actually wants to live," but they are a lie. The illness is lying to you. You have just as much right as anyone else to be here and you won't feel that way forever. Hard to believe, but in my experience it's true.

Me: I feel kind of anxious about what to do with my day. I wasted 4 hours yesterday afternoon playing Spore (a computer game). I really need to read or do something productive, but the temptation to play the game is high. Maybe I'll read a chapter in my therapy book and reward myself for finishing it with some game time.

to everyone

stinkymojo Sorry your husband is upset with you, but your right he will get over it.

Kadesgirl09 your not lazy it is just part of the illness. I've been that way what feels like forever now. Lack of motivation and energy

Medicated I'm glad you got some rest. I also glad you got your leave of absence. I hope everything works out all right for you.

Lauru still wishing you better. I hate you are going through this depression for so long.

PT52 sorry to hear about you losing your job. I hope you find a loop hole and are able to show that they fired you unjustly.

ericmaciasexhausted sorry you are feeling so alone and betrayed right now. I hope you get to feeling better.

Denise26 I'm sorry you are so depressed. Are you still off your meds? If you are you might want to reconsider starting them again. Just when things seem to be getting better for you they get worse. Wishing you well.

Queen Accountant I hope they finally get your surgery date finalized and all goes well. Glad to hear you got some sleep last night.

thinker22 I'm sorry you are anxious and felt like you wasted part of your day yesterday. I think it is good you spent some time doing something you enjoyed. I think rewarding yourself is a great idea.


Today I feel ok. Started out not wanting to get out of bed, but finally rolled out do to the fact I couldn't go back to sleep. My dad called and wanted me and my sisters to come over. So I spent a few hours with my family playing yahtzee. It wasn't that bad to make myself get out and visit despite my not wanting to. I did enjoy myself once I got there. Now I just got to make it through the rest of the day. Still got to cook dinner and take my daughter over to her friends house. Neither of which I want to do. Ah, the things we will do for our children.

Lauru. May a break in this beastie come for you soon.

Thanks, vj... It was kind of funny, though stress inducing. All ready to go, right? Phone rings. Can you work today? ( -- glad the call came that there was a new plan before driving 40 miles in opposite direction!!!) New spot, never been to. Can you get there ASAP? GoogleMapped and ran out the door. Didn't get lost! Yea!Went long, 7 hours (vs 4 anticipated). Due to miscalculation, no breaks. (and all this on a slice of banana bread and about 1 1/2 cups of water...)Wow, was I exhausted!!! Didn't even read the forum. Went to bed right after getting a little something to eat. Sleep is gooood!

Today: Refreshed. Hoping to get a few things done. Probably will. Honestly can't remember if I took my meds this morning though. Texted BF. Maybe he will remember.

I'm glad you found your way ok even though that is a long trip. Good luck on getting things done. Yea for you not getting lost.

Accckkkk!!!!! Holy cow, am I worked up now! STRESSED AND FREAKING OUT!!!!!!!!!! I won't say why (for now), because if it can get resolved I should calm down a lot. I can't even tell my BF (at work) because then he'll be freaking out too! I'm supposed to wait for the mailman (not related) to make one trip of it and the waiting is just argh! I seriously don't know if I can even wait! Actually, don't think I can, because you know how it is... when you're waiting for the mailman, he'll be by at the end of the day! In fact, if he's not here in the next 15 minutes, it'll be 2 trips and that's just that! Otherwise I'll be like this all day, and that's no good! Ok. Think I've used the full allotment of exclamation points, so...
(Don't worry, it'll probably be fine, but until it is... and furthemore, which is what I'll be doing if it doesn't!)

Take a deep breath Innerzone. Whatever you are waiting for will get there. Sorry it is stressing you out so much. Just remember to breathe.

Ok. It's all good now. What happened was I was checking my bank stuff online and discovered a major (for me) deposit missing! I went down there and there was someone ahead of me in the line at the service counter.... who was taking forever. (No, really!) I was shaking, but trying to focus and ground. Wasn't helping much, lol. By the time I got up there, I had finally figured out that it had gotten deposited into someone else's account(!) I had checked the slip at the time, but only for amounts. Ooops. I thought the name there was the teller's name! It was a new teller, and he seemed a bit flustered, should've paid more attention. Will from now on! REALLY glad I hold on to receipts!
Sooo, long and short is that they got it straightened out. YEA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Till it was all taken care of though...
Can relax now.

Hi Innerzone! I know how stressful that can be, but I have to say that your writing in that first post (which is very creative, by the way) had me sort of laughing, sort of crying because that is exactly how I feel inside a lot, and it is darkly amusing Glad you tracked down your money - it doesn't matter if it's a lot or a little - we all need it.

Ditto - to what I said before

Hang in there Lauru. Thinking of you.
Doing very well. we have a new used car and I am going to be meeting friends I havent't seen in years, so i am psyched. Huggs all!

Innerzone glad everything worked out for you. I would have been freaking too. That is enough to make anyone panic. You done good in keeping it together so you could resolve the issue. WTG

Lauru sorry to hear things are not getting better for you. Wishing you well.

lonegael glad you are feeling well, it is nice to hear. Congrats on your new used car, I hope it stays very reliable for you. Enjoy your time with your friends.

I'm starting out feeling ok this morning. Was up earlier then I wanted to be, but that is nothing new. I never want to get up, the later I can sleep in the less hours of the day I have to deal with. I need something to do with my days, I'm just not motivated enough to get up and try. I used to do all sorts of crafts and enjoyed it. Now I can't seem to get back into it. I also know there are things around the house I could be doing but ugh. I feel so lazy for not being more motivated. I get anxious just thinking about it all. I'm hoping that eventually with the right meds I'll quit feeling this way. It has been so long that I'm really starting to wonder if I'm fixable.

Today I feel like sh it... Woke up with my back and kidnes hurting like hell. Took my Seroquel last night so I didnt get up until after 12pm (just a few mins ago) Luckily there was still coffee left (not that I need it with my kidneys hurting but we do what we must to function i suppose). So I suppose we'll see how it goes once the coffee kicks in but for now I just feel like I am still dreaming....

vjd: I too sleep in as long as possible because I'm afraid of there being so many hours in the day. I get so anxious about how to spend it even though there are tons of things I could be doing.

Today I want to read a chapter in my therapy book and maybe write something too. But all I can think about is so much time ahead of me. I need to clean my chinchilla's casa, but that only takes half an hour. I'll manage. I always do. Still sucks to stay in bed for an hour after you wake up because you're so intimidated about all the minutes and hours of the day assaulting you. My depression is low, but my sense of purpose in this life is non-existent. I'm just killing time and that feels wrong. I should feel guilty, but I'm barely beyond surviving the past 2 years of my life. Trying to take it easy as I'm starting to recover.

Today I feel tired and depressed. The tiredness comes from an increase in my seroquel...from 500mg to 600mg. I'm depressed simply because that's how I am right now. It's very difficult to do things, so I've been in bed today, either sleeping or listening to music. Hoping I am feeling better soon.

Denise 26 I hope your day goes well and your kidneys stop hurting.

Thinker22 It is nice to know that I'm not the only one who dreads the time in a day. I can so relate to what you are talking about. Glad you are able to get some things done.

Melissa.recovering sorry you are feeling depressed, it is an awful feeling. It is good you are excepting it for what it is. I'm also hoping you will feel better soon.