How I Feel Today. . . Open to all.

Today I woke up feeling awful because I had a bad dream about an ex-boyfriend who betrayed me and did a lot of awful bad things. This past month I'd started feeling "over" him (finally, after years), but the dream made me really upset. I had to take a Klonopin. Then my brother took me to the movies and to get Chinese food and that was fun. I'm back at home now and I hope I can keep busy so I don't obsess too much about my ex-friend/ex-boyfriend.

VJdragonfly: Hope you can reconnect with your inner creativeness and share the beauty
thinker22: you have a sense of purpose, I think maybe it's just tired, too ? I start out the day thinking I have SO much time to get SO many things done, and then when the time is gone, not much is done...
Today I'm kind of wound up...been obsessively researching and writing stuff to prove I got railroaded when I got fired the other day. Then I rode around on the lawnmower for a couple of hours...that calmed me down a little. I'm pretty sure I'll be up all night...

Right now I am well on my way to being pretty drunk, haning out with my dad,and Aunt )moms sister) Trying to get her to stay the night and walk in the woods with me . Maybe I can con her into talking/ listening to my craziness that goes on in my head...

Um.... productive(!) Maybe didn't do some things that I "should" have, but I stayed busy working on stuff (cleaning, laundry, re-arranging a few cabinets that didn't make sense -- like why have the stuff you actually use on the side that the door doesn't work?!) I don't feel hypomanic though. I think the PMHNP was totally right with the med adjustment. Today I actually feel like myself! Hope it keeps up, lol.

Today I feel like CRAAAAAP!!! The adjustments to my meds that I so hope are the right ones haven't kicked in yet. But I vaguely remember being alive & wanting to stay that way so I won't give up yet.

Unico - the same thing happens to me & it makes me SO angry that he can still creep into my dreams when I can't do anything about it. Why can't he leave me alone after so much time? But the longer I let it get to me, the worse I feel. Sweet dreams tonight.

Ditto - same as before. I am sorry to be such a downer to everyone, I'm always depressed lately. Thank you all for your support. Having impulsive urges again.

Unico and dj: maybe if we all band together, track down all the exes and kick their ******s, they'll stay out of the dreams Hope you both are having a better day today..

Had a massive cleaning spree yesterday...one thing I'm liking about the Lamictil is that I seem to be able to finish something before I start 3 other things. One thing I don't like is that doc's not ready to start the anti-depressants back up again and I'm pretty sure I need them.

Slept maybe 3 - 4 hours last night..my husband hasn't been home in a month or so and I haven't told him about getting fired. The other times, I would call him as soon as I was driving away from the humiliation of packing my desk, sobbing "I JUST GOT FIRED!" and I think that kicks him into gotta-fix-it mode when he's not prepared. So yesterday, I got a sharpie and some butcher paper, made a bunch of signs and taped them all over the kitchen..they pretty much answer any question he'll have and maybe if he reads them first he'll understand that it's different this time..that maybe it's not my fault..

Today..... I feel horrible..... I hate me.... I did something last night/ this morning that has changed an important friendship with one of the only friends I have left. That was after begging my aunt to stay the night with me then leaving and not telling her I was gone. Haven't heard from her today either but I know she's not still where I stay. I want to scream and cry and die..... Lauru, we stay depressed and wanting to drink but the drinking doesn't help, it seems like it for a minute then you come to yourself going who is this person controlling me, it's not me! Of course I dont think there really is a me anyways... Wish I could talk to my x tdoc, or somebody who would understand and help me to feel ok..... I will never be ok, will I?

to all that is having a bad day. Wishing it would get better for you soon.

Me, I just wish I could go back to bed and stay there. Fighting with anxiety and boredom. Really don't know how I feel emotionally. I just know I'm tired of this day to day routine. I want to get back to my old self. I lost me somewhere and now I can't find myself. How I wish I could find motivation. I did try crocheting last night, but I really couldn't get into it so I put it away. There are so many things I know I could be doing, but instead I sit around going crazy. I just feel like screaming on the top of my lungs at some points and other points I want to climb in bed and bawl my eyeballs out. I can't stand this anymore. I am so tired of feeling this way. I keep hoping for the right med combo but it is becoming to long of a task. I need relief and some inner peace.

Laura- hang int here, hon. each day passed is one less day you have to feel so bad. Any luck talking to a P-doc?

denise - Hope that you haven't messed things up as you seem to think. forgive yourself, dear, even if you aunt has a hard time with it now. does she understand your dx?

I'm doing good. Getting ready to go back to work. Feels like it's time, too. huggs all!

I second vjd sending to all those in pain. This is a complicated illness and mere survival is quite a feat from day to day, sometimes hour to hour or minute to minute. Congratulate yourself that you're not in the hospital and you got out of bed at all. If you are in the hospital, congratulate yourself that you had the courage to make the right decision to keep yourself alive.

Me: My mood went down yesterday afternoon. I was struggling with life feeling futile despite not really feeling depressed. My mind felt a little blank and fuzzy...like it was not fully me. I'm doing a little better this morning, but still concerned that a downer mood will descend on me again. Trying to read my therapy book and do something productive today, not sure what. I might just play a computer game because it takes up a lot of time and that is time I have to think about what's wrong with my life and the world...so better distracted than not.

Lone: I dont know so much that it's messed up, just different. I do not adapt to change well but either way I have as yet to determine whether its a good, bad, or just uncomfortable change either. I also have a problem with not knowing things and wondering about them. I always feel like I have to know everything and if I dont know something it will drive me completely insane with worry and I start having bad anxiety attacks and such....

As to my aunt or even any member of my family or small circle of friends everybody knows something is wrong with me, I have never tried to hide it, everybody knows I get put in Crisis Stabilization quite regular for attempts but my family is just as crazy as I am and does not recognize that its a "dx" or anything like that. They just think well thats Denise or else they do recognize I'm dx'd and don't care enough to learn about it or help me or anything.

Or like my mom thinks I should just be able to "be ok" and do what I'm supposed to do because thats what she does. She has actually told me before to please go ahead and kill myself.

None of my family has ever entered the mental health world other than me and my mom and she only for occasional therapy. My aunt, besides no knowing what she may be dx'd with if ever eval'd, I do know that she is either an ex-crank addict or she just uses a lot less than she used to as well as being an alcoholic. I'm sure she will get over it, it just hurts me when I feel Like I have hurt someone else..

Thinker: Way to know and be willing to use good coping skills! Sorry you felt that way though, thats how I feel after I take my depakote like I'm supposed to for a week or so.. My problem is I know them (the coping skills) but feel they are an irrelevant waste of time as they do nothing to change what causes me to feel this way and so have a hard time making myself feel ok utilizing them.... Like I'm supposed to be doing something more productive than distracting my sui ideations with a video game... Esp since I don't have a job and am living off my dad right now...

PT52 -- Well maybe it was cleaning spree day yesterday then! Me too.

Today? Pooh! Didn't want to get out of bed, didn't want to do anything, no motivation at all. I was hungry and didn't even want to bother to get up and get a bowl of cereal even (eventually did). It's after noon, I'm supposed to go somewhere in half an hour and still in my PJs. So much for it lasting! Still hoping for the overall improvement and trying to remember that there are still downs sometimes and to just ride it out as it might not actually spiral like it did before meds. Hoping anyway!

for everyone going through hard times and may the pendulum swing upwards soon...

(Oh right. And anxious. Goody.)

Innerzone:Looks like you and I are in the same pattern! I did finally get dressed, but I haven't eaten..can't decide if I'm hungry or not, so I stand in front of the fridge staring...then I stand in front of the pantry staring..then I go back to the fridge, maybe check out the freezer..still don't know, but I might actually be hungry now...

So hear you on the stand and stare PT52!
Today went from bad to worse. Did get out. Good. Then ran into the most unbelievable set of frustrating circumstances. Flipped out at the gas station and it just went from there. You know when it's just one more thing and you're just going to throw yourself to the ground, cry and curse the universe? Yeah. VERY glad to be home now for some serious relaxation. BF is home too, so some big hugs. Good not to feel cursed in one realm at least! My one IRL support and how I appreciate it!

Now, where are those funny DVDs?

my day went downhill rapidly, but I've already written the whole sordid story down...suffice it to say the hubby was really tender and huggy in the beginning and now he's hanging out at a bar with a female friend of his trying to "cool down" and I'm sitting here with my dogs wondering if he's even coming home..relax some for me and maybe tomorrow will be better...

so yeah, made it through the weekend. i guess that counts for something.

PT5: Sorry to hear your day went like that, I hope he came home for you and that today is much better.

Queen: Glad to hear you made it through the weekend, yay!! That's an accomplishment I think we should all take pride in =)

Inner: Sucks you had a rough day but I do hope the evening shaped up to be everything you needed and that you have a much better one today!

Me: As yet to be seen, my dad has an appt with his Oncologist this am to discuss radiation options. He is very concerned, sat up most of last night crying and me just being there with him. Im going with for the first time, I'm terrified of dr's and of all this but I'm doing this for my dad so.... I will make sure I take enough ativan before we go =P

Hope everyone is able to make exactly what they want/need from this day!

Anxious and tired. Had an early morning blood draw. Need more sleep. Have to go to work. My right eye is bothering me. Will go anyway, but not sure if I'll make it through the whole day. Need hugs.

Today I am feeling anxious and excited about what today will bring. Anxious wondering if I'll get everything done. And done right.

Not sure..feeling productive cuz I sent an appeal of my termination to the owner of the company (supposedly they do a fair review, but I doubt it), I updated my resume and found a few jobs to apply for and I volunteered to do administrative work for the local Operation Homefront and they're happy I'm going to help and aren't bothered at all that I'm bipolar. I'm hoping this will help build my credibility...and my self-esteem. The hubs is still around but not around me. Don't know if he's bailing on me or feeling bad for being a jerk yesterday..

Yea, PT52! Those things do sound good for your self-esteem! Good for you!

Today I'm ok mood-wise, but anxiety is rather high. Have had quite a bit of that lately, and not pleased about it. Boo! Thank goodness for alprazolam!

Sorry you're anxious today, Innerzone.. Sometimes it helps me just to play the "what's the worst thing that could happen" game...then again, on some days I can imagine some really terrible worst things! I just dragged myself away from the computer (and the dark room) and sat outside in the sun for a while. Didn't solve anything, but it did feel pretty good

Well this morning I'm up way too early as I cant sleep like usual. (Have quit taking all but my ativan for the time being so no seroquel to make me sleep all day...) Going with my dad to his Radiologist appt today to discuss using radiation on the cancer in his hip and possibly his brain... Tired, Anxious, Irritable, Depressed, ready to give up.....