How I Feel Today. . . Open to all.

went to sleep oh, about 2 am..woke up before 6. If the hubs follows the usual pattern, he will come and get his semi, come inside and tell me "just concentrate on what you need to do, and quit worrying" etc., but keep that physical distance, then leave and be gone for weeks or even months. Plus, he doesn't know how to say he's sorry. But I don't know..he's never been home and stayed away for basically the whole time (2 days) and been so rude to me, so maybe he's through trying to be "understanding". Until I can prove that the Lamictal has changed everything, he will stay distant. And this time, maybe for good. But I have that phone appt with the attorney's office today...maybe I'll have good news later.

Denise: Sending healing vibes to you and your dad..this is a tough situation. Went through the same thing with my dad..lots of hugs for you today

I feel like a ball of mixed emotions today. I'm anxious, depressed, irritable, lonely, chatty, bored, and restless. It is driving me crazy. My sister come over bubbling with excitement for her son getting to go on a limo ride and out to eat for great improvement in his FCAT scores and I took it as her bragging. I know she didn't me it that way, but it irritated me all the same. I know I shouldn't feel this way and I should be happy for my nephew (which I am), but it just ran straight through me. I think it is because she asked first if my son got to go. My son my good grades on the FCAT, but he didn't score a 5 which is the highest they can get so he was unable to go. I just wish I didn't feel like it was her way of bragging. I don't know, maybe I'm just being a b**** about the whole thing. I just gave her a fake smile and when I told her no my son didn't to go she said sorry. I just acted like it was nothing even though it was burning through. Why can such stupid little thing set me off? I just can't quit thinking about it. Why do I have to obsess on something so stupid? Ugh, it is driving me nuts. I guess I'm done ranting and I'm sorry I sound so petty. I just needed to get it out of my system. Thanks for listening.

VJ, right now you are probably feeling pretty raw and jittered, so go easy on your self. If my kid was feeling bad about not doing well enough to get to go to the special dinner (and I don't know that your s was, but I'mm guessing) I would be feeling pretty bad for his sake and I'm sure I wouldn't be so understanding of my sister either. Rant away.
I'm doing OK, just feeling very incompetent at work. Sigh. this always comes back. Huggs all!

Thanks Lonegael. He doesn't know anything about it, but it just urked me that it was brought up. I know alot of it is because I feel irritable today. I know this for sure now because I'm about to ring my son's neck. He hates doing writing and that is his homework tonight because he didn't finish it at school. He is just sitting there saying I don't know what to write. I'm just not in the mood to deal with this today. I just wish today would get over already. Hoping I feel better tomorrow.

Feeling somewhat paranoid today and my head hurts. Just trying to calm down.

Hey vj...siblings are the worst for making us feel inadequate. I have two brothers, two sisters, but one of the brothers and one of the sisters wreak havoc whenever they're around. So we just don't invite them Not always possible, but...anyway, hope things are better for you tomorrow!

So, kinda got both ends of the spectrum going..the hubs is still an FDB, but left to go out on the road. We'll see when he gets back in a few weeks, I guess. Bummed out over that...

The good news is I had that phone meeting with the lawyers office, seemed to go well, the guy said I'd hear from them in a day or two whether they would take the case. I heard back from them in two hours! Going to meet with the lawyer next Tuesday and she said bring all my documentation!! Even the hubs can't take away how good I feel about this And there's more! She gets $250 an hour and is only going to charge me $50 for the first hour because I am (obviously) unemployed! Doing the happy dance

Today I feel unreal... Like everything is a dream and I need to wake up badly... And not a good dream either, like I cant tell whats real or remember things that happened properly... For example I am thinking about calling my x-tdocs new office just to make sure she was real and all that really happened... Who knows maybe if she was real she'll talk to me...

Good morning, Denise..nothing wrong with calling - maybe it will help you feel more grounded. Sending you extra concentrated good-dream vibes!

Yes, I have been unusually talkative the past few days (or maybe not ) Today I am very, very content. Hubs turned around last night from heading down the road and for the first time in weeks, I slept like a baby with him wrapped around me like an octopus. Slept at least 8 hours. Whew! Crisis averted for now, anyway.

Going to do my first volunteer shift this morning; am really looking forward to being productive and not having to worry if I'm getting payback..it feels really good.

And can't wait to see the lawyer next Tuesday..of course, I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop - life is never this good for me without a big crash when I least expect it. Oh well, I'm going to enjoy it while it lasts. Sharing my good mood with everyone who needs it - I've got lots to spare!

Queen Accountant I hope things come together for you and you have a better rest of the day.

Denise26 are you going back to a pdoc any time soon. I'm worried about you coming off your meds. It looks like things are crashing around you. I hate to see things get any worse for you. Take care of yourself Denise, if you don't no-one else will. Wishing the best for you.

PT52 glad things are working out for you, I hope things keep going good for you.

I'm not really sure how I feel today. I guess pretty much the same ol' same ol'. At least the aggitation has tapered off today. That is a good thing. I'm trying to get force myself into doing a couple of things long past overdo. Don't know if I will accomplish it though. Man I hate feeling this way. I really need something to pull me out of this depressive state. I can't stand it anymore.

An uncomplicated, good, productive day today. About time!

I'm feeling lame. I got news today that I'm definitely hypothyroid and it's no longer related to the lithium I'd taken last winter. So I'll have to be on meds for life, but at least there is a solution. Why I feel lame: I read my self-help book, then as a reward I play a video game. That's what's been taking up most of my days lately. I'm just not imaginative enough to do much of anything else. My anti-depressant is working, so I don't feel bad about wasting my days on whatever. But I want to care and I want to be more productive at creative writing. My focus is so limited though. Should I feel guilty?

That is great lonegael. It is nice to hear someone is having a good day.

Sorry about the dx on hypothyroid, at least you will be able to take care of and it should help improve your moods. Maybe you will find yourself more productive. We all go through down days, so I wouldn't feel guilty for just taking some you time.

i know this threads old but thats okay isnt it?
last week or two, ive been detached and emotionless, empty, not caring and as a result have failed all of my trial exams for final yr of school. the part that worries me though, is not that i didnt get my usual A's but that my results don't bother me in the slightest. i feel like i should be concerned.

i've been so floaty and insubstantial, i've been distracted from everything by my thoughts. my senses are numbed. my memory is shot. i couldn't tell you what i did yesterday. i don't know what day of the week it is. im being followed by two people, i can sense them, i know they're there but for the most part, they remain quiet and hidden. (this is only recent, as in the past two months)

i feel like im about to crash back into a depression. im on the verge, im feeling the hopelessness, and despair starting to set in... but ive only met my pdoc once, and she suspects i have bipolar, so i probably wont be able to get meds for quite a while (i had antidepressants last year), although they didnt trigger a manic episode so maybe i dont actually have bipolar.
i would love to know what is causing me to feel (or not feel) this way. it's wreaking havoc on my productivity and success in school, friends, relationships, family. i want to kill myself, but i can't particuarly be bothered at the moment.

Stardust: This thread may be old but there are quite a few of us who still use it everyday, feel free to post on this thread as often as you wish. I know the feelings you are having as I have them quite often (all except for the people following me).

You said "trial exams" does that mean your real exams are coming up? I only ask as these things your experiencing could be a reaction to stress brought on by the exams.. Just a thought...

Me: Right now I am just enjoying the morning. I'm still feeling like I was last post but for this moment I'm just focusing on the atmosphere of the morning, and the coffee =) I had forgotten how much I like sitting outside in the early morning with just my coffe, cig, and laptop... And a little wake n bake never hurts =)

Cool thread. I feel like I wanna vomit. Both of my dogs just had their teeth cleaned. One is fine. One seems really bad. I'm waiting to call the vet. I hope she will be ok.

Stardust: This thread is usually the first place I go every morning..starting out the day knowing how I feel makes it just a little bit easier to get thru it. And it's really not "old", it's just really popular. Good vibes towards you as you figure this out.

Amy22: I hope your dog is okay, too. My two boys (blue heelers) are often all I have, with my kids grown and my husband away for weeks at a time (not to mention suffering from FDB syndrome which flares regularly ) and those two dogs love me no matter what. If you think you're going to throw up, I say go for it.
(BTW, the FDB syndrome is a really bad joke and not a real disease)

Denise: yay for enjoying the simple things! I have my coffee in hand and the sun is shining...maybe I need to head out there right now.

Me today: roller coaster..hubs is still hot and cold (okay, lukewarm and cold), but did officially end the angry standoff yesterday and decided he could stay married to me even if I did lose another job. For a college graduate with a successful business, you'd think he'd be able to understand a little bit, at least. Gonna have to give that man some REAL education.

Stardust welcome to the thread, it is very active. Is there not any way you can call your pdoc and let him/her no that you are crashing. I'm sorry that you are going through this and that it is effecting your schooling.

Denise26 it is wonderful that you can enjoy the little things in life even if it is for a passing moment. Wishing you well.

Amy22 welcome to the thread. Sorry you feel like you are going to vomit. I hope your dog will be ok.

PT52 sorry life is up and down for you right now. Don't let the FDB get you to down. Hoping things will work out in the end for you.

I'm still in the mode of just existing. I'm finding it harder and harder to have my husband away. I know he trying to do the best for the family, but I don't know how much longer I can hang in there. It is getting difficult to deal with the kids and all there crap. I just want to scream on the top of my lungs for them to get over their malfunctions. I can't deal with the quarreling and my son's I can't do this attitude or the constant complaining of him not liking what is for dinner. I feel like a ticking time bomb and I am going to explode at any given second. I really don't know how to handle myself right now. I just wish I could climb into bed and sleep my life away. On the up side I did accomplish vacuuming the floor this morning, it really needed it. Why do I have to struggle just to do the daily things that need to be done? Writing this just makes me feel like crying. I feel so inadequate right now. I am having a difficult time playing mom and my children don't deserve that. I just want to be functional.

vj: huge, huge hugs for you today! You are so supportive to everyone here..wish I could give you some good advice about how to deal with your kids...I always found duct tape and a dark closet are a good start JUST KIDDING!!! Seriously, one of the hardest things I had to learn was to let my kids take responsibility for their own actions and also accept the consequences. If you can, try to just ignore them for the most part, or send them to another room in the house (or another planet), and let them deal with their own actions. As for dinner, I'm a fan of putting it one the table, laying out firm expectations of courteous behavior and if they don't like it, suggest they leave the table. At some point, your son will get hungry enough to eat without complaining. Remember, you're a mother, but you're not a maid. And when they're adults, they are going to have to figure out how to function in society (even if we can't)... and I'm pretty sure that kind of behavior isn't going to get them very far! Hang in there, cry if you need to, find a safe place to scream at the top of your lungs if you need to, but mostly just take care of yourself.

One more thought...my kids hated this and still remind me of it, but one of my favorite sayings to them was "Can't never did anything."

vjd: hugs to you for keeping things together even though you feel like you're at the edge. I hope you can get a meds change soon because it doesn't sound like your combo is helping as much as it should. Let us know if there's anything we can do. It's okay to cry if you need to.

Me: Was feeling fine when I got out of bed and for the next hour. Then I started having thoughts about self-harm that are very specific. I thought about getting the sharp kitchen knife and using it on myself. This is unusual, but not unheard of in my brain. I've never actually followed through with it. I don't understand why thoughts like that enter my mind. I'm not actually scared or anything, just a little concerned. It's not even like I'm upset and there's nothing on my schedule for today except therapy at 2pm. I have most of the day to relax. WTF is wrong with me?