Weight loss

Blood tests came back normal. So I guess it's just my meds decreasing my appetite. I was 102.8 this morning. But it never stays that high. I will probably be down a pound or two tomorrow morning. I'm having problems in my intestines that will add weight only temporarily, if you know what I mean.

Thanks to everyone for your support.

There are so many things that could make me gain more weight, but either I haven't purchased them or I'm too full to eat or drink them regularly. I'm afraid of fat too. I read the sides of boxes and eat the thing with the least amount of fat. So part of this problem is psychological. I wonder if I should tell my T about this. When I used to drink I ate whatever I wanted and didn't read labels. Something about alcohol (which already adds tons of calories) made me not care what I was putting into my body. It's possible that part of this, along with the meds, is cutting out the alcohol calories and what they did to my appetite starting last October.

What do you think?

Definitely tell your T about it; When I was in my late 20's, early 30's, I did the same thing, got it in my head that I couldn't have more than 18 grams of fat a day. Definitely an indicator of a possible eating disorder. And not being hungry could be caused by your meds, your mindset towards fat in your diet, or both. Hope that helps And I'll try to mentally send a few of my extra pounds your way

I try not to go over 30 grams of fat a day. But I think I have to be going over that because I eat desserts that have no labels and are chocolate or pie with ice cream, albeit in small amounts. I'm going to be honest with myself and everyone. I think I'm at the start of an eating disorder and it's scaring me that I want to be thinner and thinner. Like as if with each pound lost I feel more powerful and each one gained I feel like I have no control and I'm a pig. But I think it started because I lost weight from the meds taking away my appetite and making me feel full so soon after I start a meal. I became obsessed with numbers and now both aspects are working toward driving me thinner.

Definitely talk to your T about it - an eating disorder can kill you, but it's also one that responds well to therapy. Don't wait, okay? I know from experience - my healthy weight is around 130 - back when I was "eating healthy" I stopped weighing myself at 90 lbs. I was also obsessed with exercise. I survived, but my metabolism is really screwed up.

I emailed my T yesterday. He still hasn't replied. I think he's either super busy or doesn't think my weight loss is that significant. I told him what I told you. Both the meds aspect and the psychological aspect. Well, I'm not below 100, so that's good. I know people will freak if I fall below that even if it only is a pound, so I'm trying to keep a stable amount of calories in my body. Don't really want to gain weight though. My partner doesn't even like me skinny. He said he likes my curves. So I'm less attractive to him right now. That should be an incentive to bulk up. Unfortunately it isn't. I'm too paranoid about gaining.

Hugs for ya, Thinker.

You end up maintaining a healthy weight for you, not for anyone else. Sounds like something to work on in T.

Still no word from my T. I weighed 100.2 this morning. I looked in the mirror last night before I took my shower and I looked bony, almost skeletal. I don't like to look the way I do, but I don't want to gain weight either. There's a dissonance going on in my brain.

My T finally got back to me today. He said my email went into his junk mail folder and he almost never checks it. He agrees that we shouldn't change my meds at all since they've solved my depression so well, but wants to talk about the weight issue when I see him next week.

I made cookies today. I ate one and instantly felt fat. I exercised twice as hard as usual to work it off, but I think there are too many calories to have been successful. I weighed 101.6 this morning and I blame it on a milkshake my partner made for me that had protein powder in it that's meant to help athletes build mass for sports. I only drank half of it and had the other half this morning. I'm trying to comply with people's concern by eating butter and cheese and cream (I'm vegetarian), but the more I eat, the worse I feel about myself.

I think this thread probably belongs in the eating disorders forum. I'm kind of scared to post on another forum. It sucks. My bipolar depression is cured and then I realize I have an eating disorder. Will I ever have long term peace? Mad at my freaking brain.

I think there are enough of us here that either have an eating disorder or have had one in the past that it's okay to talk about it here...besides, we're the ones that know you best, right?

Being completely straight with you: you need your T to affirm it, but there's not doubt in my mind that you have an eating disorder. You don't have to eat non-vegetarian foods to get calories. Carbs will help - potatoes, bread, rice, corn.

Cognitive therapy has had good results on eating disorders (I'm pudgy living proof) but it takes time. In the meantime, you have to keep taking in calories. Sometimes that means tricking your own mind...if it's possible, ask your partner to make things for you (like that shake) without telling you what's in it; instead, telling you that it only has ___ calories or ___fat (in other words, lie to you about it). And give up exercising for now - especially if you increase it because of a misperception of how many calories you've actually had.

A couple of statistics - one chocolate chip cookie has approx. 80 calories. You can burn 80 calories in 5 minutes on a treadmill (no incline).

I hope that helps - I know how hard it is to work thru this...lots and lots of hugs..

I was 101.4 this morning, so obviously that cookie and the extra cookie I had with a scoop of vanilla after dinner, did not affect my weight. It was all I could do to get out of bed this morning. I'm not sure why I was so anxious. I got up, ate breakfast (Kashi GoLean with half and half), then went back to bed until this afternoon. Read a little of Hawking's new book and ate lunch, protein shake and a small salad, and finally was able to turn on my computer. Not sure why it's so intimidating today. I'll probably squander the rest of my day playing video games just to keep my mind preoccupied. I told my partner last night that I believe I have an eating disorder. It was totally terrifying to do it because now he'll know why I eat how I do and check up on me to make sure I'm eating enough. Maybe that's why I was so anxious this morning. I've told the 2 key people in my life, so now I can't get away with it any more. He said he was starting to suspect I had one, but couldn't say it without me probably getting defensive. I'm glad it was I that told him. He's known other people with eating disorders. In fact, 2 of his kids from former marriages. So he knew what he was watching as I got more and more controlling of what I would put into my mouth. At least I don't throw up. I never throw up. I only restrict, but I know it's bad. Have to change my mindset on food and my body. Glad I told people before I got into only double digits. Thanks for your support PT52 I'm not sure I can give up exercising. Not yet anyway.

You're welcome, and I hope you feel better. If it helps any, I was at 95 lbs when I quit weighing myself and had been losing 5 lbs a week regularly. That was almost 20 years ago and I'm still here to irritate all those who know and love me. Don't give up hope.

Thanks again. I felt better this afternoon. My partner bought me chocolate and regular croissants, which he knows I can't resist. Now I have to decide between a choc/choc chip muffin, a choc crois, and the choc chip cookies I made yesterday for dessert with my ice cream. It's a tough life.

The twisted thing about my disorder is I want to get below 100 pounds just to see if I can do it. Then, I rationalize, I will start eating bigger meals and more snacks and exercise less. But from what I've read, it won't be that easy. I may obsess even more about staying under 100. I should just quit the game while I'm behind and not get more behind! I know this, but I can't help it. My brain has unleashed all it's focus on keeping me thin and now I have to rewire it. As I try to, I feel bad about myself. You know the drill. Sigh.

Definitely quit the game...it's like going to Vegas - the house always wins.

I am 138 usually weigh 8n at 132 so i guess 8 am on theother end.

Eh, your height and muscle build has a lot to do with it, so I wouldn't worry about being 132 or more. I was 138 in high school, very chubby. Never watched what I ate or drank. Was a total perfectionist at school and sports. Now I've turned my perfectionism onto my weight. It's all about control, I realize. Trying to control something because I feel out of control in another area of my life...perhaps school that's coming up and also the fact that I may have to take meds the rest of my life just to feel subnormal, instead of suicidally depressed. Anxiety is hitting me hard the past couple of days and Cymbalta used to be helping with that. I'm worried that its anti-depressant effects will wear off too. I was 101.8 this morning. It never lasts though. I'm not too worried about the number today. I'm starting to worry about school starting up in a week. Have to watch that I don't restrict and exercise even further to try to cope with the coming pressures. I have to be at class at 9 each morning, Mon-Thurs. I haven't had to get up that early regularly in years. I can't remember when in fact. I start work at 10:30 usually. Trying to stay calm. Thanks for your support.

I saw my new psych doc this morning and one of the first things she asks me, after looking at my BMI that the nurse calculated (below 19) is "Do you have or have you ever had an eating disorder?" Funny thing you should mention that, I said. I told her that I seemed to be at the start of one. She said she worked in a clinic for eating disorders and that I'm right on the borderline between being underweight and anorexic. If I go under 100 pounds, chances are my new goal will be 95, then 90. I think she's right. I'm scared I will lose control by trying to be in control of my diet and exercise.

She's a very nice person and I'm glad she's my new pdoc. I came right home and drank a protein shake high in calories. But then I was too full to eat lunch, which I'll eat anyway shortly. I'm forcing myself to eat and trying not to feel bad about gaining a pound or two. I told her my ideal weight would be 115. But really that seems fat to me now. Don't know how I'll ever get back up there with my current mindset and meds induced lack of appetite.

I have therapy at 3 and we will discuss the probable roots of why I've kicked into this thinness cycle.

I wonder if anyone else has had this feeling of housing two brains in one head. My logic says to lose more weight would get bad attention and pressure to force me to eat more. My other brain region says, "You could afford to lose a couple pounds. Look at that fat on your tummy." Or, "You shouldn't have eaten that cookie. Now I'm going to make you exercise more." Doc says I should either eat more calories or suspend my exercise...neither of which I want to do. Somebody tell me I'm too skinny. I'll believe it if enough people tell me so. So far it's been my mom, my partner, and 2 doctors. I was 101.8 this morning, 105 in the dr's office with clothes on and after breakfast.

It's amazingly simple to totally change what is into something unreal...positive vibes for you to conquer this!

I do not and never have had an eating disorder (well not diagnosed), but I am big on nutrition and exercise. In the Army maintaining the correct BMI is not only important but mandatory and it is something I struggle with. I have a large body build (wide shoulders, think legs, dense back and chest) so I will never fit into the "correct" weight range. I have done body building and weight loss, dieting, starving myself, all kinds of things....

First off protein shakes are good, there are even what is called "weight gainers" which have more calories than regular protein shakes for the same amount. You may want to look on bsnonline.net for those. Not trying to advertise but from my experience they are the BEST tasting protein shakes ever... Really, cookies and cream tastes almost (really almost) as good as an ice cream shake...

Also I would recommend to immediately (and I mean immediately) stop weighing yourself every day. It puts a much higher emphasis on the numbers which are not important really. Instead I would say weigh yourself once a week, on the same day every week and first thing in the morning after you pee and all of that stuff. That is when it will be the most accurate. Here is the key, instead of concentrating on the numbers, concentrate on what your body actually looks like. You have said yourself that you looked bony, I take that to mean that you are not really happy with the way your body looks, but you obsess over the numbers. I would recommend (and all of this is from a body builder point of view, not necessarily a mental health professional) that you might want to take pictures once a month and see how your body has changed. This can help you actually see the differences you won't notice on a day to day basis, and can also help you build a positive body self image on how healthy you actually are and getting your "curves" back rather than constantly looking at the numbers....

Also you can do weight training instead of cardio (which I assume is what you do the most of). Weight training can help you add muscle, tone and look and feel healthier over all, compared to cardio that mainly only burns calories and doesn't build anything. Adding in or replacing your cardio with weight training will allow you to still feel good because you are working out and exercising, building muscle and a more healthy body, and not burning as many calories. Ofcourse, talk to your T about these ideas (if you choose to use any) and maybe also a nutritionist if you have access.... Hope that helps....

Ok, last thing... my girlfriend weighs right at 90lbs right now (she is small frame and 4'11") which is the limit on when we start getting on her about her weight. We would all rather she stay above 100, but she is happier at 90lbs and does not fight us to try and go below that. With her though we are thankful for her even being up that high since she had cancer and was down to 40-50lbs during that time.... The main thing is to have people in your life who care about you being healthy and will hold you accountable... as we do for her.

EDIT: The products for bsn that I was referring to is Syntha 6 (that is the regular protein powder) and True-Mass (that is the weight gainer...)

Those are all great suggestions mysecret. The protein powder I'm using is Twin Labs' Gainer's Fuel Pro.

I know I need to stop focusing on the numbers and start focusing on my health. I don't want to wind up in a hospital with a feeding tube. I still eat. I like food. I'm just barely hungry. T suggested medicinal marijuana. Ha! I said so long as I don't have to smoke it. I'd like it in capsule form...or a liquid with a dropper.

I'm seeing someone with a lot of experience with eating disorders next week. T referred me to her. I just want to make a plan to get my weight back up and stabilize it there around 115. (This sounds horrible to me in my current mindset, but I know it's what I must do for my health).

Thanks again for all the info.

Personally, and this is strictly personal, I was raised that Marijuana is a drug and would stay away from it in any form myself. Besides that I have to as I am in the Army and it is not approved in any form, medicinal or not. But that is just me... although I guess it would give you the munchies....

I know. I also wonder if it (the MJ) would interfere with my other meds. I don't want a very potent kind that would make me hallucinate or anything. I hate illegal drugs. However, here in OR it is legal for dr. prescribed purposes. It's a little weird and scary to me.

It's quite likely that the MJ will interfere unfortunately. But something must be done about your appetite so that you are healthy as possible. I don't want anything happening to my friend!

Yeah, I'd be cautious with that - one of my sisters regularly partakes, but then she also drinks a lot, from what I hear. And her phases are way at the top and way at the bottom.